Christmas Wishes

by Plus-One

Published December 22, 2007

In Failed Poetry

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** Another random drabble vaguely linked to the way I feel...I'm not sure if it would fit better as lyric poetry or something, but I've never considered myself as a poet, so I'm going to continue my loyalty and post here.

It's probably not that much worth critique, but think of it as a light read! ;)

Christmas Wishes - By Plus-One

I don't really want a lot this Christmas.

I've already had enough chocolate to last me a life time, and I'm never short of seasonal clothing.

I'm not to keen on pipers, nor partridges for that matter, and rings have never really suited my fingers.

I'm not a fan of perfumes, or soaps, I still have a back-log of out of date gift boxes people sent me.

I don't really revel in family celebrations, or any sort of large gatherings; I'm quite happy spending time alone.

I don't like the taste of meat, and roasted vegetables don't wet my appetite.

I tolerate the odd Christmas card, though never send any, and I'm not one for long awkward phone calls to relatives you never see.

I guess I like the cold...but snow is just a nuisance.

As for Brandy: I don't drink. I am quite happy with my inhibitions the way they are.

I have all I need.

Though a new pen might be nice, or maybe a nice writing pad...But I'll probably buy myself them anyway.

I don't want anything for Christmas...at least nothing material.

I guess I'd be happy with what I've got.

But I'd give everything - even the gift boxes - If he would just notice me, and tell me that he loves me.

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
RandomTalks
Review
RandomTalks wrote a review Review · Apr 18, 2022

Hello!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

I think this piece will work a whole lot better as a free-verse poem than a short story. I mean, it already reads like a free-verse poem; if you change the formatting and the punctuations a bit, I am sure it will transform into quite the poem. As a story, this does not have the same effect. Any reader who is reading this as a story might come up with quite a lot of complaints. For example - the lack of character introduction, setting or plot or dialogue or description.

The theme is quite simple. In the background of Christmas, our MC pines away on her crush and wants desperately to be noticed by him. That is kind of the only plot of this story, and we seemed to have been building towards this singular point from the very beginning. Again, that is why I think this works much better as a poem. If you want it to work as a story though, you need to establish the character. You have to familiarize us with her thoughts and emotions so that we can connect with her on a deeper level. Then you need to establish the theme of Christmas, maybe provide some descriptions as well. And then you have to introduce the narrator's feelings for this boy through some interaction between them or any instance that reflects the desperation with which which she wants to be noticed by him.

Also, you would need to add more content then and format it in a way it reads like a story and not a poem.

I don't like the taste of meat, and roasted vegetables don't wet my appetite.

I think the correct expression here is 'whet my appetite' and not 'wet my appetite'. Technically, appetite cannot be made wet physically, so the term really does not fit the function it is supposed to reflect. If you want, you can avoid the entire expression or just use the correct one.

though never send any,

You are missing a 'I' after 'though'.

But I'd give everything - even the gift boxes - If he would just notice me, and tell me that he loves me.

The way we are suddenly introduced to this 'him' can be a little anti-climatic and confusing to some readers. They might struggle to understand what happened and wonder if they missed anything that suggested this in the story.

Overall, I really liked this piece, but as a poem and not as a story. If you want to make this a story, you need to put in more work for it.

Keep writing and have a great day!

I just came back here because I was discussing writing with my bf and told him I used to write as an outlet as a teen... I've been having a lot of reflections on life, and thought it would be fun to pay a visit to my mind at half my current age.

I was reading this and remembering how I was basically using writing as a scream for help...but I find it wild that someone else found, read and engaged with this 15 years after I vented it out there.

I gave up writing long ago, but I've learnt a lot and my life is much happier. I'm beginning to explore trying to rediscover my literary voice. But I find it so heartwarming that someone found and listened to that thought after it had sat here lonely like the boy in the poem all this time.

User avatar
logosgal
Review
logosgal wrote a review Review · Dec 23, 2007

Pretty good. The formatting's a little weird. It does seem sort of like a free-verse poem for the most part, though some parts seem like they'd do better as prose. You did a good job of showing the feeling of

I was a little bit confused by the last line, because I'm not sure who "he" is, or if this is from your perspective or from a fictional [female?] narrator's perspective.



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