Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well...this one has quite a bit packed into it here...despite being as small as it is. Aaand well...pretty sad situation there...also some very nice description there..well...anyway let's get down to some more details here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

There was a storm coming. It was going to be a bad one.

Om could feel the humidity on his skin, the condensation teasing the hairs on his upper arm into a standing position. It meant he had to take the cows in early, before they were properly fed, which in turn meant the milk would be bad. His wife would be displeased. Though, there was hardly ever a time when she wasn’t.

He and his wife had a relationship like the sea; turbulent and two-faced. The waters would be calm one moment, almost gentle, lapping at his toes like an obedient dog. Then something would stir them up, riling them, teasing them higher and higher and higher until they crashed on him and wouldn’t release until he begged for breath using waterlogged lungs.

The first few drops of rain fell. He could feel it on his skin, and saw it on the grimy paint of the white picket fence he was leaning on. The sky was darkening.

He sighed, the dense air lingering in his throat. Thunder cracked as he looked back towards the cottage he shared with his wife. He knew she would be in there, pacing about, just waiting to complain as soon as he walked through the door. You said you would buy this. You haven’t paid for this. This is all your fault.

Glancing out at the sky one final time, he thought back to the packed suitcase under his bed. The single, one way bus ticket for tonight. The new apartment waiting for him in the city.

There was a storm coming, but Om wouldn’t be around to see it.

This was incredibly impactful for such a short piece?? I absolutely loved it. Your imagery is so real, and I can almost feel everything Om does. It was also really creative, and the last line closed the story so well. The way you develop the story through Om's thoughts and reflections on the storm is very well done.

I have only one critique: "He knew she would be in there, pacing about, just waiting to complain as soon as he walked through the door. You said you would buy this. You haven’t paid for this. This is all your fault." In this part, the wife's dialogue (even though it's just in his mind) should have quotations around it.

Otherwise, it was incredible!! Great job

This was great! I loved how well written it was! So first, I loved the symbolism of the sea, as well as the less obvious metaphor of the storm.

The storm (it may not be correct but this is how I interpreted it) seems to represent how his and his wife’s relationship will spiral down, getting worse and worse if he stayed.

I loved how well written it was. It only gave a small amount of background information, which is just the amount it needed. The story is short, sweet, and to the point. It tells the story without to much unnecessary length.

I really liked you story, and hope to see more of your work in the future.
Happy writing!
-Lizzy

Hi Plume,

Mailice here with a short review!

This was an absolutely gripping story. It was so very well constructed from beginning to end and while reading it, it occurred to me that the story somehow has something of the parables of Franz Kafka.
It has an elegant beginning with a mysterious undertone that constantly led me to make some kind of interpretation. Now I don't know to what extent this is intentional on your part, so I'll try to keep it short

You have a very great way of starting the story. With the first paragraph you connect the beginning and the end and gracefully move on to a short description of Om, what he is doing. You have a great, poetic way of describing things, especially in the section where you tell more about the relationship between him and his wife. You did a great job with the comparison to the sea.

Then something would stir them up, riling them, teasing them higher and higher and higher until they crashed on him and wouldn't release until he begged for breath using waterlogged lungs.

The first few drops of rain fell.

Excellent! This piece is engaging and evocative. I could feel the setting and it really helped me get inside the protagonist's head

I really liked the cascade of effects: "It meant he had to take the cows in early, before they were properly fed, which in turn meant the milk would be bad. His wife would be displeased." It was slightly amusing and it helped to show the ebb and flow of your character's thoughts.

There are a couple of places where I thought you could clean up your sentence structure. For instance: "Then something would stir them up, riling them, teasing them higher and higher and higher until they crashed on him and wouldn’t release until he begged for breath using waterlogged lungs." I think you could break this sentence up a bit and make sure your phrasing is clear.

Again wonderful piece! And thanks for your comment on my wall:) - YellowSweater