Published June 17, 2011
It doesn't happen over night
But I gatta get it right
For this dream, I will fight
Cuz it haunts me in the night
I know where I belong
And it is on that stage
I got the music
With a great mix of rage
Alone
Its Ganna happen if I gatta do it
Alone
Say it won’t, your wrong cuz I can do it
Alone
Don't ask me how but my dreams are now
Becoming who I am
Fuck the beauty
and the glam
Love, supports and money would be nice
But none of that comes without a price
So as long as I have these dreams at bay
I’m dying, I will make it happen any day.
Now
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140,778 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Hey there! Yes. First thing I want to encourage your use of voice. Especially clear in "I got the music", the voice calls up the casual conversations between people, and that immediately sets a loose context and tone for this piece. So whatever you do, keep experimenting with that, as voice is essential to engaging pieces.
Other than that, I am wondering a lot of things about this piece. The title, epiphany, makes me think that there should have been a really different set of thoughts before this set, before this confidence. But none of that doubt is present in this strong statement. It doesn't feel like the speaker has grown, but rather that they've always known that. Think about your favorite stories: you like to feel like you've gone on a journey with a character. If they haven't changed by the end of the narrative, it feels empty. I feel like the same thing should be true in some poetry, at least in a poem called Epiphany. I want a sense of what this speaker had to overcome to become so confident.
What I want to know most about is the phrase: "Cuz it haunts me in the night".
This is where I think it gets closest to that feeling of having to overcome something. It gives us an image of the speaker in the past, the sense that this has always haunted them. This might be key to give a little more focus to.
Also, I really want to warn you against following rhyme or rhythm for the sake of following rhyme or rhythm. You have something to say, and I want to hear you say it CLEARLY, not marred by trying to fit it into a rhyme-shoe that's too small for it. Give it to me barefoot and open, and if it happens into rhythm, or if you can slip it into rhythm or rhyme without changing the meaning or without JUST writing words to rhyme, then that works. I feel like some of these lines are nonsense though:
Does this make any sense to you? Another thing you could do would be to take the line breaks out and read it as prose to make sure that it's coherent. That'll also help with your punctuation. Punctuate it like it's prose, then put the line brakes back in.
If you have any questions, send me a PM!
Hannah
Howdy there!
Just one thing I'll say if you are going to use punctuation don't just put comma's in, you need full stops. There is a huge difference in the flow of the poem if you use a comma rather than a full stop.
Just a few nitpicks
As far as I am aware 'gatta' isn't a word, maybe gotta, or even better, got to.
As it is short for the word because the word 'cuz' needs an apostrophe at the moment.
I think you mean I've rather than just 'I'.
Other than than that it is really good, you just have to proof read it.
Well done!
Good poem, expresses feelings most of us are too afraid to. The voice is very good, since almost no one uses slang, making it unique. 5/5