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E - Everyone

rain.

by PlainandSimple


As she walks in the dark, it begins to rain. The rain is light like it's not even there, but she feels it and begins to shiver. Today is the first day in a long time she feels something. She isn't numb anymore. She tries to hold back her tears, but when it starts to pour, she has no choice but to let them fall. Her clothes become soaked, attaching to her like skin. She begins to walk faster, trying to get out of the rain, but her body doesn't let her go any farther. She falls to the ground quickly but gracefully. You can see on her face every emotion she is feeling, changing so rapidly. She lays on the wet grass, out of the way of others walking by. The passing strangers stare. As she watches them pass, she begins to feel on edge, scared. She rises to her feet and heads to her apartment. It's a quick walk from where she is, and as she enters, she can't even make it to her bedroom. She sits on the tile in her kitchen and slowly drifts off. She hopes the day doesn't repeat once again.

She wakes up on her bed. She opens up her phone, angrily, to see the calendar reads the same as the day before. 

"Day 30", she mouths to herself. 

She knows she will end the loop today, and nothing will stop her.


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62 Reviews


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Sun Sep 13, 2020 10:34 pm
RadDog13579 wrote a review...



Hi @PlainandSimple, RadDog here! I'll be reviewing your short story today.
First Impressions: I really like this. It's mysterious enough that it let the reader make assumptions on what was going on. I assume she's stuck in an infinite loop of the same day but that's all the info we really get. I feel like it could be built on more and added on if you want to do that.

As she walks in the dark, it begins to rain. The rain is light like it's not even there, but she feels it and begins to shiver. Today is the first day in a long time she feels something. She isn't numb anymore. She tries to hold back her tears, but when it starts to pour, she has no choice but to let them fall. Her clothes become soaked, attaching to her like skin. She begins to walk faster, trying to get out of the rain, but her body doesn't let her go any farther. She falls to the ground quickly but gracefully. You can see on her face every emotion she is feeling, changing so rapidly. She lays on the wet grass, out of the way of others walking by. The passing strangers stare. As she watches them pass, she begins to feel on edge, scared. She rises to her feet and heads to her apartment. It's a quick walk from where she is, and as she enters, she can't even make it to her bedroom. She sits on the tile in her kitchen and slowly drifts off. She hopes the day doesn't repeat once again.

This is a good first paragraph but its a little bulky and rushed. I would recommend trying to break it down into more paragraphs and adding to each of them. This would help add more to the story and make it flow easier.

She wakes up on her bed. She opens up her phone, angrily, to see the calendar reads the same as the day before.

"Day 30", she mouths to herself.

She knows she will end the loop today, and nothing will stop her.


This is a good ending. I like how in such a short amount of words, you made it so satisfying. I would like a little bit of knowledge on how she knows that the cycle will end that day but obviously you left it open-ended for a reason.

Anyways, that's all from me. I really enjoyed it and hope that you build off of this a little more. Oh and I almost forgot, welcome to YWS! Happy writing!






Thank you so much for the review. It really means a lot :).

I would also like to thank you for the constructive criticism, I will def keep them in mind the next time I write.

<3 @PlainandSimple



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Sun Sep 13, 2020 5:32 pm
StudentAH wrote a review...



Right off the bat, I like the formatting. The title, un-capitalized and with punctuation, is not only aesthetically pleasing but also matches the format of the story -- short and ambiguous. Your username even checks out! Ha ha. That's just a bonus.

I notice that majority of the text is in a block, yet the last few lines are broken up. Even if it was unintentional because of the dialogue, that itself shows a shift in the story and I like that.

I also *must* highlight this part of the story because I really liked it! When you wrote "She tries to hold back her tears, but when it starts to pour, she has no choice but to let them fall. Her clothes become soaked..." I found that part amazing. Though we can assume that, literally speaking, the rain started pouring harder and it soaked her clothes, it almost sounds like she cried so hard that it was her tears that soaked her clothes. That was perfectly hidden between the lines.

One nitpick I had about the writing was "she sits on the tile in her tiny kitchen." I guess the fact that "tile" and "tiny" sound similar and are in such close vicinity in the sentence made my brain unable to read this easily. I think using a different line altogether to describe what happened would be easier, especially because tile could be the floor but also the backsplash (yes, I know, there's no way to sit on backsplash unless you defy gravity!). It also made me feel like she sat on one tiny tile, even if that is not what you were saying, my brain couldn't move past this part without tripping up and mixing the wrong ideas. But please, take my nitpick with a grain of salt. My brain is difficult sometimes XD

Also, that ending was interesting in a few ways, but I also feel it could have been executed better. It left me confused, in a good way, but also in a way where I wish I could have understood more. It kind of left me in an uncomfortable space between vague and clarity, and I think the story should have gone for either one or the other. The twist seemed to promise an explanation for what was going on, but in the end it left me with more questions and without a way to connect the conclusion to the story. To me it seemed like she was feeling powerful emotions about an event in her life, and being stuck in a time loop still didn't explain what emotions were happening. I think a sequel could resolve this -- the explanation didn't feel adequate to keep this story as standalone.

On the opposite hand, if the story hadn't tried to offer any explanation at all, that would have been great too. I felt myself relating to her despite not knowing what pain she actually had. If she simply went home and went to bed, or fell asleep in her kitchen and the story ended there, that would have been impactful as well. When it said she woke up in her bed, I almost assumed that A.) someone else lives with her and kindly put her in her bed, which would have been a comforting and interesting twist! or B.) she dragged herself to her bed in the night.

However, despite my criticism of the ending twist, what I *did* like was the wordplay, similar to how I liked your line about rain. The line "she hopes the day doesn't repeat again" has a dual meaning. When I read that for the first time, I assumed it meant metaphorically -- she doesn't want herself to feel the same misery and emptiness tomorrow. What a surprise to know that it was actually taken literally in the story.






Hey! I would like to thank you, first of all for the review. I stared at my piece for a little bit trying to figure out how the loop could be stated more clearly, however, I'm not exactly sure how. I changed how I said "30 days" to "day 30", I know that isn't a huge change. Who knows maybe it could make it sound better.

Also, I removed "tiny" in that one sentence because once I read over it I noticed, you were right.

Once again, thank you so much :) it really means a lot that you read and reviewed this.

<3 @PlainandSimple



StudentAH says...


No probs sweetie.

And to be honest, I think "30 days" fits better than "Day 30" because "30 days" implies accidental, whereas "Day 30" sounds like she's doing it on purpose. For example, if I worked out for 7 days, I would say "day 7." If it rained for 7 days, I would say "7 days."





okay! thank you



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Sun Sep 13, 2020 3:09 am
Tuckster wrote a review...



Hi there PlainandSimple! Tuck here with a review for you today, brought to you by #RevMo

I really enjoyed the brevity and the theme of rain that you incorporated into this short story, as well as the mystery elements. There was a lot of potential in this short, and I hope that I can give you some pointers to make it even better!

The first thought that comes to mind is that you made a lot of statements about how the main character is feeling. For example:

She feels unsafe, so she gets back up to get back to her apartment

Instead, try something like:
Her eyes shift from side to side, and the hair on the back of her neck raises. She stands and returns to her apartment

This subtle change allows the reader to make the inference, which in turn makes the story more engaging.

In a similar vein, I'm wondering if it could be a positive change for you to switch perspectives. Currently, it's written as if someone is watching this person and describing them, but the level of detail is better described as third-person omnipotent, which makes it seem as if there isn't someone watching and narrating behavior. If I was writing this, I would probably opt for first-person: you have opportunity to show motivation and feelings in a way you cannot in third or second person. Of course, you have creative liberty to pick whichever you feel is most compelling, but I'd strongly recommend either third person limited or first person.

Next, I agree with your other reviewer that your ending could have been stronger. My best guess is that she has been stuck in the loop for 30 days and is keeping track, but even that was unclear. I think introducing the time loop twist could be a compelling ending, but the way it was pulled off fell short of my expectations. I'd suggest moving your final line to your second-to-last line. Not only is your current second-to-last line stronger, but it leaves the reader with an appropriate level of questions.

And as one final comment, I think your story could be seasoned with a little more description. While I appreciate and admire your brevity, a little bit description about the scenery could help. For example, are there any streetlights? Is there a full moon? Is she engulfed in total darkness? These kinds of details will help bring the reader into the story and fully immerse them in the world you've created.

Overall, an interesting premise and idea with some strong bones, but there are some areas that need to be strengthened. Hope that this was helpful to you, and if you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to reach out.

Best,
Tuck






Hey, thank you so much for the review. It really means a lot, and I appreciate the constructive criticism. I fixed the one sentence to sound a little more descriptive, but I didn't copy exactly what you said. I still wanted it to sound like my writing if that makes sense?

And I also switched the second to last sentence to be the end, it does make it sound better.

I was also going for a narrative vibe. Because first-person isn't really my style of writing, and then with strictly 3rd-person it doesn't let me have enough detail to explain what is going on. I feel in this piece of narration was the best choice for at least how I write and how I wanted it to be read.

And next time I write something I will def add more detail.

Once again thank you so much for reviewing. I hope it doesn't seem like I'm not trying to take your advice, because I am. Just ever writer has a different style of writing.

<3 @PlainandSimple



Tuckster says...


I completely understand, and I'm glad it was still helpful!



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Sat Sep 12, 2020 11:51 pm
Stellarjay wrote a review...



Hello PlainandSimple
This short peice was a joy to read. In a little more than a 100 words you were able to give us a glimpse into her raw emotions. The reader gets a sense of who she was in the past, who she is in the present and who she will be in the future.

She isn't numb anymore.

In 4 words we understand that in the past she didn't feel anything. She was in a sense immune to emotion. But it also tells us that she isn't anymore.

You can see on her face every emotion she is feeling, changing so rapidly.

She feels an onslaught of pain, grief, anger and frustration all at the same time. Her time of numbness is over. I felt both happy and sad for her. I felt sad because I didn't want her to go through that kind of pain.

She knows she will end the loop today, and nothing will stop her.

We are given a sense of who she wants to be in the future.

She wakes up on her bed.

It ends up all being a dream in the end. Which I feel like was a nice touch to the story line.

"30 days", she mouths to herself.

Here is where I got confused. Throughout the whole piece I had a feeling that there was a deeper meaning. But I really don't know what this means. 30 days till what? Her untimely death or the deadline on a homework project?

I found it neat how I ended up wanting her to be okay. How I became so connected to her in such a short amount of time. I think this was a beautifully written piece. There were no grammar mistakes and everything flowed beautifully. Anyways if you have any questions feel free to ask. Keep on writing and have a great rest of your day!
Stellarjay






Hi, I would first off like to thank you so much for your review. It really means a lot that you even read it, let alone enjoyed it.

I usually write to leave it up to the reader to assume what I, as the writer, meant with a story. However, with this one, I tried my best to make the reader's mind to understand what I was trying to say.

Maybe I didn't make it as clear as I wanted, but it's supposed to be a loop. She is stuck reliving the same day over and over again. I enjoy that you had a different meaning to it, it makes me happy readers can understand it in different ways.

Once again, thank you so much for reviewing. I really appreciate it.

<3 @PlainandSimple




I wouldn't think "impossible" was even in your vocabulary.
— Sharpay Evans, High School Musical