Young Writers Society

Hi, Pixie!

Ooooh, lyrics from dear Pixie. 8D This is kind of exciting. Also, I have to babble a little more so this doesn't appear on the front page. Happy Review Day!

This was a cute song! Sad, of course, but cute. It was well done. I don't recall reading lyrics from you, so it's kind of exciting to see your hand at it. I must say that it's looking very good! You have talent. You painted some beautiful pictures with your imagery while still effectively sharing the story. It's awesome.

(Verse two)
Just like the sunset, where we’d always let go
The smell of the ocean, you held me down low

(Verse three)
Because I’ve been always so good,
And I know that you should,
Be my hero,
And light up my days,
But now you just turn skies to grey

(Chorus)
Because I’d never think we’d have to miss
But It’s not right now we keep it like this
The life of us isn’t like our first kiss
You told me you loved me so why did you go-o?

(Bridge)
Like sunshine on the top because you
Just might be getting the news that I don’t
Need you anymore…
Like rainbows will count as a score
And hearts will never be ignored but
Ever since you said I was More and this is,

Spoiler! :

Hi!
Okay I liked your song and the over-all idea, but I agree with gingercinomin. The song seems like its doesn't fit excatly together, like its being forced. I liked your first stanza the most.

"I still remember when we first met
The sound of the rain-drops and songs that we’d get"

~mari

Hi!
Okay I liked your song and the over-all idea, but I agree with gingercinomin. The song seems like its doesn't fit excatly together, like its being forced. I liked your first stanza the most.

"I still remember when we first met
The sound of the rain-drops and songs that we’d get"

~mari

Holas!

So here's my review, don't hate me for my opinions pwease!:

I understand the overall message, but the verses seem broken up and pieced together, like two different puzzles forced together (the pieces fit, but only because they're forced). The song doesn't flow. Some parts do, but it's more a poem than a song.

I like your lyrics, but they're so simple! I'm a fan of big words and when I see people not taking use of them it seems like there was so much more they could've accomplished. Now to specify on what I thought could have been improved. Don't take this the wrong way, I'm just giving my opinions.

Verse one was good, it flows, it's nice.
Verse two was what got me confuzzled. At the end you wrote "The smell of the ocean, you held me down low" Does this mean the two subjects (lol) were dancing? Or was one drowning the other? Sorry.
Verse three was good, just switch been and always.
The first line in the chorus sounded like an unfinished thought, like someone trying to explain a difficult subject but giving up mid-sentence. The rest was great, but.... sticky(?) this is one of the parts where it doesn't flow that easily. Now that could just be because I don't know the tune (obviously)!
Verse four makes me want to put another harmony with the lyrics, because the rhyme scheme/verse scheme was changed.
I think verse five and six were awesome, but should be titled as the bridge of the song, that;s what they sounded like to me! The bridge should be the different lyrics that change the music a little bit, and bring the listener to another chorus verse, another regular verse except with different music, and then you can finish off the song however you like.
After verse five, no offense, but I felt as though you tried to finish it off too quickly and didn't pay attention to the build of your song.
I like the second verse of chorus, you should bring it into the second time you hear the chorus.

All in all, this is a wonderful song. It just needs to have minor adjustments. Or maybe it doesn't, maybe I can't get through it because I don't know the melody(music).

Peace

Hi there

I really enjoyed this, but there were a number of places where I stumbled:


(Verse one)
I still remember when we first met
The sound of the rain-drops and songs that we’d get

{The rhyme felt too forced. I'd be more inclined to with "the patter of rain-drops and the mellow sunset.' I do love the rain-drops thing though.}

(Verse two)
Just like the sunset, where we’d always let go
The smell of the ocean, you held me down low

{I didn't like this because it didn't make sense- what were you letting go of? Also, it sounds a little like he's drowning her in the second line. I did like the beach reference though because it's cut and cliche'. I'd go for something like;
'Ice creams on the, kisses in the sand,
The smell of the ocean, the feel of your hand'.}

(Verse three)
Because I’ve been always so good,
And I know that you should,
Be my hero,
And light up my days,
But now you just turn skies to grey

{I really liked this verse, but it should read "always been". But otherwise, this was great, good job.}

(Chorus)
Because I’d never think we’d have to miss
But It’s not right now we keep it like this
The life of us isn’t like our first kiss
You told me you loved me so why did you go-o?

{This didn't quite make sense and seemed unconnected. I'd link it and rearrange it somehow. Maybe...
'I never thought we'd end up like this
So many oppurtunities missed,
The broken promise of our first kiss.' Your last line was perfect though.}

(Verse four)
I think that your losing your head
When you left me I felt I was dead

{I think the second line is a bit blunt and doesn't feel quite right. Also that should be "you're" not "your". To remedy the second line you could try rhyming "head" with "bed (as in he's left her with a half empty bed) or led (like he led her on).}

(Verse five)
But when you called me, that one shallow day
I thought you would say it again

{This is quite nice, although I don't know why you've broken the rhyme scheme when you've stuck to it so rigidly before. It doesn't really matter but if you did want a rhyme her I'd go with a rhyming "say, like, 'Futile hope rose at what you might say.'}

(Verse six)
Because I’ll be waiting for you
And you’ll be seeing my view
Like a fast train compared to you it’s like,

{I wasn't keen on this verse because none of it made a lot of sense. You've written "like twice in the last line and I don't really understand the second line. I liked the train simile but wasn't really sure what you were comparing the train too. I'd play aroud with different ways of phrasing this part, like
'I know you've moved on to something new,
But never forget I'll be waiting for you
I'll be looking out train windows, searching the view.' That's not actually very good, but you get what I mean. Play around with it a bit more.

(Chorus)
Because I’d never think we’d have to miss
But It’s not right now we keep it like this
The life of us isn’t like our first kiss
You told me you loved me so why did you go-o?

(Bridge)
Like sunshine on the top because you
Just might be getting the news that I don’t
Need you anymore…
Like rainbows will count as a score
And hearts will never be ignored but
Ever since you said I was More and this is,

{This is my favourite bit. I would alter the sunshine simile slightly to 'Like sunshine in the winter' because then it makes more sense because sunshine isn't needed in the winter, just as she doesn't need him anymore. I'd also say 'Each rainbow adds to my score'. }

(Chorus)
Because I’d never think we’d have to miss
But It’s not right now we keep it like this
The life of us isn’t like our first kiss
You told me you loved me so why did you go-o?

I’ll be waiting for you and
It’s not right how we keep it like this,
You told me you loved me so why did you go-o?
Why did you go?
Oh..

{The endings perfect- don't change a thing}

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There are some really great things about this. The imagry you use is amazing, the story is easy to relate to and you've packed with interesting techniques. The rythm makes it so easy to read and you've got a nice rhyme scheme going there.

All my annotations were purely opinion, so you don't have to take them into account. This has the makings of a brilliant song, it could just do with a bit of polishing up! Keep writing...