Published March 28, 2011
Chapter 1
" do you hear that Ben? "
" Hear what?"
Maggie struggled to get up from her seat to show her little brother the squeaking and mumbling inside that cave right beside the baseball feild.
" see now?"
" Yeah but what do you hear?"
" I hear mumbing and sqeaking, we should go check it out."
"What!"
"your such a baby, c'mon I am going."
They walked ito the cave. It had a purple coating. Maggie ran her hand across the rocky path as she walked around. She found a jewel. She knew something valuble that is real would be inside this cave. Something pretty. Something nice.
" Ben! Ben! Where are you. Don't you be playing a trick on me! Ben!BEN!" No answer. She was terrified.
" What am I going to tell mom!" She ran all around the cave. But Then all of a sudden....
Chapter 2
fairies! A pink spot appeared.
" AHHH!" Maggie screamed. The spot faded. Then appeared again on her shoulder.
She wanted to stay calm. Then she got lifted by a force. She was flying out of the cave. then carefully she landed on the grass next to the baseball feild. her brother was playing. Then the pink speck faded again. She will never know if it was her imagination or if it was magic.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,364 Literary Works • 673,125 Reviews
Near is spelled N_E_A_R.
Ok, a lot a grammar problems here. You need to capitalize your sentances, and not capitalize insid a sentance unless it's a name or you're saying "I". And when you use these marks, " " you don't need to put and extra spce betwee them and the word. And it's a little short, could you make it longer? Overall, good job.
awsome story Pixie2!
Hm. This seemed to be like a short story, not two chapters in a book. Anyways, here is the low-down.
What I Liked:
-It was original
-Fun
-Fairies? Haven't seen them in a while.
-Short, good read
-Positive
-good characters
What wasn't so hot:
-many grammatical errors
-perhaps too short
-lack of detail
-lack of solid dialogue
-lack of description
-short chapters
Overall:
It was rocky but good. It had a few unexpected twists and a few parts where I felt disappointed. This could be a kick-arse story easily. There was no detail but a good main idea. Definitely keep going, maybe right more about the fairies themselves. I'm looking forward to the next part. Keep it coming Pixie!
P.S) In the title, it's the cave near the baseball field.
~MilkNCookies
Alright, so, you have a good start. Now you have too add details and description to hook your reader and make your story an ace one. Describe everything. Your characters, your setting, and your scene. This will help paint a good picture for you readers to follow you story. Adding emotion will help your reader bond to your main characters, and you need that bond for you story the be fantastic.
Keep Writing
~WickedWonder
A few quick pointers:
*Watch your grammar and spelling! Spell check is a wonderful invention meant to be used.
*We all learned this is elementary school - "i before e, except after c, when sounding like a, as in neighbor or weigh" - so feild would be field.
*Make your chapters longer than a couple lines! When was the last time you read a book with 11 lines? Expand on everything. As an author, your job is to try to show us, don't tell us.
So for example, take:
"They walked ito the cave. It had a purple coating. Maggie ran her hand across the rocky path as she walked around."
And do something like:
The pair entered the dark cave. As they wandered along the path, Maggie ran her hand over the rocky wall, which had a strange purple coating and felt [enter desired adjectives to describe the uniqueness of this cave].
Keep going!