If you could see this world. The trees and the braches. The bugs and animals. All of the beautiful life here in Africa. The land is filled with water. A lake by our dome. The fish swim across the water like flying birds, going across the sky. My Grandma picked up her bottle, made out of dried dirt and mud, and scooped up some fresh water from our well. Water dropped from the bottle, as she closed then twisted it slowly. The sky was getting dark. It started to get colder. Everyone went inside. It was a thunderstorm. The trees started to blow in a sway. My grandma looked up at the sky and stood there very silent, she did not say a word. She turned her head down and looked at me. She grabbed my hand and walked slowly into our small dome.
What was s e planning to do while the thunderstorm was happening? Make jewelry out of small bay coconuts I suppose. She went into the cabinet and took out 3 lanterns and 2 candles. She took out 5 pieces of cloth and 2 plastic cups. She put the lanterns on the wood oak table. She put one cloth over each lantern. She put the candles in front of her, lit them and put the one plastic cup over each candle, then put a piece of cloth on each candle. Little light spreaded across the room. Then Grandma started making jewelry. I sat there stunned. My grandma always starts a conversation when we are bored out of our minds. But this time she did not say a thing. Today was the first thunderstorm ever in the history of Africa. So this is the time to celebrate. She looked up as a tear went down her cheek.
I looked at her, she looked at me. “what’s the matter grandma?” I asked. She put her hand on mine. It was as cold as Antarctica. I wanted to pull away. “ Today is the first storm ever seen or recorded in Africa Khaki. When I was a Young child my mother and me would take a walk on the sand looking up at the sky and see that there was no clouds. It was different back then. People heard about the storms and were terrified, including me. When we would walk outside and see a big puffy cloud in the sky, we got worried. Now it came true Khaki. I just want it to be the same.” She said sadly. “ Well, Grandma, it will be the same. You just got to wait for it to end. “ I also entered.
“ You do not understand Khaki. Once the storms enter Africa we, Africa will never be the same again. We will be in danger.” She said scared. “How grandma?” I asked.
“ Floods, Many sea creatures from the lake will die, all the animals won’t be able to eat the lake creatures and we eat those animals and then… They will die.” She said.
“But”- grandma cut me off. “ There’s no “But” anymore Khaki. You have to deal with the point that we may have another storm and that the animals may die here- you have make the best of it. Or we can move away. Or we can just wait and see what happens now.” She said again. “ I know Grandma. But I do not want to leave here; I’ll miss my friends and my teacher. Please lets not move away. Lets just see what happens.” I begged.
“Fine Khaki. Just tell me if you change your mind.” She said.
“I will.” I agreed.
Last night was a freighting night. I had never seen my grandma cry in such a way. I am now so careful. I got on my Pet donkey, Tumbler, and rode him to the drinking well. I filled up my bucket and rode home ready to put it in grandmas carton.
“Hello, Grandma. Are you feeling ok?” I asked.
“Yes my dear Khaki.” She replied. “ Well, if you need any help at your job just holler if so. “ I said. “ Actually Khaki I won’t to apologize to you for what I said last night.” She said. “NO! You are right I am never going to question you again. Everyone is talking about it.” I answered. “ I know.” She said back. “Why can’t we just live in peace and forget whatever happens, and just live like we were before?” I asked. “Because we just can’t.” She replied.
I walked out of the Dome and ran to my friend Maggie’s house. She was sewing with her mom. “Hello Mrs. Nequin. “ I said. “Hello, Khaki.” She answered back. “May I please speak with your daughter, Maggie?” I asked again. “Yes, you may, but do not be too long.” She said. “ Yes.” I said back.
I talked to her about what my grandma said. She laughed. “I’m serious.” I said. She believed me and went back inside her dome with her mother to finish her blanket for the winter. I ran back home to grandma. She was making pie and chicken soup for dinner and dessert. “ Grandma?” I asked.
“Yes dear?” She answered.
“Why do we have to worry about all this right now. We will be at least dead by the time something happens to Africa. Its just rain. In other states and countries there as been millions of rain forecasts before. Why should we worry about it?” I asked again.
“Because Khaki, many people in this world wish that their cities, countries and states would not disappear. We are lucky that this won’t happen for a long time. And this place hold precious memories.” She said.
But I knew it would not happen.
I went over to the baboon tree next to Church. I took out water. And poured the water on the tree. The sun glistened with light as a dark clouds passed above the sky. “Khaki!!!! Khaki where are you? Come here right this second a storm is coming!!!” My grandmother yelled. I
whent as fast as I could to pour the water over the baboon tree. I finished and ran as fast as I could over to grandmother’s Dome. She was searching for me in the back yard. “I’m here Grandmother!!” I yelled.
We both ran into the Dome in distress. It started to pour rain. There was no more light to share in Africa.
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,847 Reviews
#0000BF ">Overall I thought the story was a good idea but you need to work on developing it into something that speaks for itself, the imagery and descriptions of the characters surroundings need to have some work done. But I really did like the idea of the story!
Peace,
Snickerdooly
Hello!
First off with the nitpicks...
I'm no grammar expert but my suggestion is to make this all one sentence, have a comma after branches and a semi colon after animals.
No comma after birds. Also, you could say "like birds flying across the sky", in my opinion that sounds better and more concise.
Good writing is always a mix of different length sentences. I loved your use of short sentences in the beginning and the description was beautiful, however, as you get further on the short sentences sound redundant and choppy.
Do you see how that sounds a bit choppy? Try something like, "The sky was getting dark and the air was getting colder. Everyone went inside as the trees started to sway and a thunderstorm grew in the skies" Something along those lines, at least. It also seemed like a report of information rather than a narration.
Numbers should be written as words, three lanterns, two candles, etc.
Very repetitious, change the sentences so they do not all start with the same word.
Overall, it was a very beautiful story. I got a sense of the heritage and culture. There aren't many stories that take place in Africa and make it seem authentic. I loved the last line. Nice job!
You have so many short phrases back to back and I think you made them short for emphasis. But I think they would sound better if you merge a few of them together. If short phrases become a lot in the same paragraph, even if intending emphasis, might lose your readers their concentration.
Just an insignificant typo: "She" instead of "s e".
There are way too many "put" words in this paragraph. Try to merge the first two sentences and make it something like this "She put a cloth over each of the lanterns on the oak wood table." See? less "put" words.
"spread" instead of "spreaded". The past tense is "spread".
A new paragraph.
A new paragraph.
-Omit the red "we" there.
-Put a coma after "danger" and make the letter "s" in "She" a small letter. So, it will be: (...danger," she said.)
New paragraph.
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Alright! Let's start with the actual review.
I was interested in reading about Africa, seeing great potential in such a setting to learn about the culture and the traditions. I still think you can insert so many interesting facts and details about their town.
But, I think you need to rewrite and proofread this piece, because you have a few mistakes there. Let's go over them bit by bit:
1-Your paragraphs, I noticed, were mostly very short and that would be something your reader might not like. Sometimes, you need to put a thought in your sentence, not break it up to many phrases. Short phrases are sometimes great to show the reader how important a certain point or thought is, but I don't think it sounds good to overuse short sentences. Try, if you wish, to make your sentences a little longer.
2-New paragraphs: You need to make a new paragraph every time a new person speaks. For example, you let your MC and the grandmother speak and make quotations all in the same paragraph. Well, I do have to add here that you were amazing in adding voices to the characters, which was very great. Nevertheless, remember to separate the quotations.
3-In such a short piece, you put so many scenes. It was raining, her grandmother explained her fears, your MC went to speak with that girl and then went back to the house and then went to the baboon tree and another storm hit Africa. Think about it. Don't you think these are too many scenes, crammed in such a short chapter? Some of those scenes could be omitted or delayed and they wouldn't affect this chapter greatly.
4-We don't know much about the MC. You told us so many details about Africa but your novel can't be only about Africa. We want to know about the character and you need to let her have an inner conflict and an actual personality that would make us attached to her.
at the end, I had to rush because I did not know what to say, Any thoughts?
~Pixie2~