J&R- Chapter One

J&R: Chapter One

Most stories end with two people falling in love, then getting married, and then having as many flawless children as you can imagine.

Well, that’s not how my story goes. It starts with hard times, and good times, and then ends in a tragedy, but comes back later to stun you more then you could even think. I mean, I’m not crazy. People think I am, but I just want to tell you a little story about myself and Jay. That’s what I call him.

You see, Jay thought he was from another planet, Avalia. But really…he was a demigod, like me. And that’s where our story starts. Two demigods just trying to find a place in this world.

Even if it seems completely impossible.

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“Ray, can we please talk? My father did it again…” Jace’s voice says slowly through my phone. My feet dangling high from the ground in a big willow, I bite my glossed lip before jumping down and responding.

“Sure. Where?” I ask, starting to walk wherever. I mean, Mount Olympus is a big place. It takes a lot of skill to know exactly where everything is in this land. My father, Poseidon, says he doesn’t even know where some stuff is located.

“Um…Wherever is fine,” he tells me, slightly sounding ticked off. Sighing, I see the battlegrounds across from the woods. Bringing the phone to my ear again, I take a deep breath and nod.

“Okay. Meet me by the battlegrounds, pronto. You know where that is,” I say quickly before hanging up and sprinting there. The rich, lathery grass crunches beneath my boots and I get there around five minutes later. Finding a huge boulder, I take a deep breath before sitting before it, leaning on it instead.

Jace appears minutes later and his face flushes when he sees me. Flashing a smile, I pat the spot next to me and look at him, “What happened this time?”

He hesitates before sitting beside me, glancing at me as he plays with some of the dirt beneath us, “My father says that I need to fix my Attitude. Whatever that means…” He mutters.

I glance at him as well before looking up at the sky, “Hermes is a complete psychopath, Jay. You can’t let him boss you around like that.”

He looks at me with a straight face and I study him shrugging.

“You seriously think it’s that easy, Rayah? I’m already on the third warning. One more and I won’t be able to leave my house for good,” He says.

I groan and face him, “Okay. This is what you do. Just go against the rules.”

He raises an eyebrow, “That’s easy for you to say. I mean, your parents are barely around you. Aphrodite is always gone, and your father is usually in meetings with mine. Who knows, they could be talking about our behavior. They could be planning something. Like, you could be on the third strike too, Ray.”

I chuckle at him and turn forward again, “Hah, yeah, right. Jace, I would’ve already been on my, like, tenth strike by now if they were planning something.”

He shrugs and moves a little bit, shaking out his ankle like something was biting on his jeans from behind. I study him again, “S’just…Hermes thought it was funny to give me a little babysitter,” he mumbles.

He reveals a baby Pegasus and I practically faint, running to it and hugging it like it was my own.

“His name is Gus. He can be a pain in the a*s sometimes. Just…ugh,” He mutters.

I smile at Gus and sigh, “I could follow you around all day, Jay, if I knew you had this little guy before.”

“Actually, I wouldn’t mind—I mean, uh, yeah. He’s…new,” He scratches the back of his head.

Gus licks my face and I laugh, falling backwards before looking at Jace, “Oh.”

He nods and pulls Gus back, yawning. I take a deep breath and calm down, “Will you help me with homework? I didn’t pay attention is history.”

He chuckles, “What a surprise…”

I punch him in the arm playfully and he smiles, nodding, “Of course. Just text me.”

I stare at him, “You know I’m not good with reading, right?”

He nods, “Yeah…”

I nod slowly and stand, “I’mma head home. I’ll call you if I need answers.”

“Help,” he laughs, “if you need HELP.”

I shake my head at him and just walk off and to my house back in the city part of Olympus.

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Fri Nov 16, 2012 1:09 pm

Caesar wrote a review...

So, uh, hi, Pix. Ita here to review, since I haven't reviewed anything properly in a while.

I will take advantage of this piece to discuss about your characters, call it my little Foedus ad Rayahae , ahaha.

My first impression, I'll be frank, was, 'ugh, not another Rayah novel.' Really, though, I get she's your favorite and archetypal character, but, it seems all your stories are always about Rayah. Always. When the character isn't named Rayah, she seems to be a weak copy of this character. Who comes off as a tad boring, really -- she's a superpowerful demigod but at the same time your average teen, blah blah. Though, this may just be my tainted impression of her, since I've seen her pop around everywhere, usually in a one-liner in some chit-chat on YWS. And on that note, Willing Suspension of Disbelief allowed, the chance of Poseidon, Poseidon of all gods, conceiving a child with the goddess Aphrodite? There's a pretty slim chance of that happening, if you've read Percy Jackson you'll know what I mean. Now, maybe the daughter of Ares and Aphrodite, yes, that'd be more likely and more interesting, seeing as the two gods are pretty much opposites. Then again, it's your novel, you do what you will with it. Keep in mind this is just my opinion.
On a broader note, it seems Rayah, and all your characters, are just pure teen angst, fused with a fantasy element because gods are cool, coalesced into one borderline Mary-Sue. They have troubled parents, their lives are hard and tragic, blah blah. I quote this as my example

Most stories end with two people falling in love, then getting married, and then having as many flawless children as you can imagine.

. Yes, teen angst sells, but if it's done well, which it rarely is because usually angsty teens are writing it, and not somebody that can dissect and present the genre in an original way. So, you may want to try toning down the angst, trying for a different character, maybe. And I agree with TLT on this, the 'prologue' in the beginning isn't necessary. Show, don't tell. That's important. Show us Rayah's 'troubled life'.
So, yeah, to recap -- diversify, play around with different types of characters, and for the love of god, no more stories which revolve around the same character and plot, only they have different names. Please. You can do better things than that, I'm sure.

And, as for the chapter itself, well. If somebody that had no idea who Rayah is and the myriad events surrounding her (I'm sure you could start a wikia on just her life), would they, after reading this, continue to finish the novel? Well, they might, but, what I'm trying to say is that this just doesn't cut it. You don't grab our attention enough. Have you any idea how many PJO-style novels there are out there? Far too many, is the answer. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing, I'm just saying, they need that extra little kick to make them stand out. Which this is lacking, but never fear, it could be remedied! Furthermore, there's really not a lot of description in this. Wait, nope, there's none at all. Because, your target audience (or most of it) already knows what Rayah looks like, has already RPd with her in Mount Olympus. Others -- like me -- have no idea what she looks like and no idea what Mount Olympus, in your novel, does, and this chapter hasn't exactly helped. So, remember, not all who read this know what you're going on about.

Now, onto the grammatical nit-picks. Congrats, there actually weren't any major typos here I could spot!
But, to nit-pick, here are some things that could be edited:

“You seriously think it’s that easy, Rayah? I’m already on the third warning. One more and I won’t be able to leave my house for good,” He says.

That's a comma there, no need to capitalize 'h'. This mistake is made multiple times. Like here

He reveals a baby Pegasus and I practically faint, running to it and hugging it like it was my own.
“His name is Gus. He can be a pain in the a*s sometimes. Just…ugh,” He mutters.

, and yet you don't make it in other places, like here

“S’just…Hermes thought it was funny to give me a little babysitter,” he mumbles.

. Formatting error, or...? Also, the fact you censored ass made me chuckle. Swear-words aren't usually censored, unless that's another formatting bug or something similar.

I shake my head at him and just walk off and to my house back in the city part of Olympus.

WHERE is the description???

But hey, apart from the above, this isn't one of your worst pieces.

Hope this helped~
Ita

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Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:52 pm

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TheClosetKidnapper wrote a review...

PIX!

I've decided to catch up on some reviewing and saw that this chapter was lonely when it came to that, so here I am.

For starters, this was great. As I told you before, I couldn't stop smiling while reading it. Jace <3 Ahem. Uh.. anyways. Down to the reviewing.

The Intro:

I liked the idea of this, but I don't necessarily see the need for it. Everything you said in it, you can say otherwise throughout the story. I mean, it's not a prologue or a preface and it's just in the beginning of the first chapter. I see why you did it, but, as I said, there are easier ways...more appealing ways to do so. For example, when you describe Jace later on, you can add in a blurb about how he thought he was an Avalian but ended up being just like Rayah. Maybe... if you don't get rid of it completely, you could use the intro as one of those hooks at the back of the book, if you know what I mean. 'Cause it sounds like one of those too.

The Story:

- Content-- Really good. The only thing I think you could add is a description of the characters. You start the story off as if everyone already knows who Jace and Rayah are, which I do all the time as well. But you have to move past that and help the reader out. Their imagination only goes so far. Oh, and one more nitpick that fits in this section. You say:

My father, Poseidon, says he doesn’t even know where some stuff is located.

I would personally change that word. It implies that you don't know what you're talking about, even if you really do.

- Grammar-- There isn't much to say about this. You've done really well in this category. The only thing I see is when you capitalize the word 'help' at the end of the story. It's not necessary. To put emphasis on a word, you could try italicizing it instead, though I'm not sure whether that's a rule set in stone.

Anyway! Overall, this was great and I can't wait for you to post the next one!

~ Rocky

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Sun Sep 30, 2012 9:58 am

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ShakespeareWallah wrote a review...

Hey Pix,

I confess I am a fan of your prose. they are detailed, lovely and fresh. You are a very good writer and I've been meaning to try my hand in reviewing something of yours. So here goes,

Introduction/ Prologue/That-part-in-italic

I do not like this. It robs off pretty much everything. I do NOT want the protagonist telling me what this is about and what this isn't about. I want to discover MYSELF what the story is. The whole thing just acts as a spoiler. Nothing else.

Story

I've previously mentioned my love for your prose but no matter how good the writing seems to me, the story looks like it's been done a hundreds times before. it's quite common. Cool teenage demigods, mistreated by parents, falling in love...I've seen these stuff many times. They are not original and only downgrade the work.

I know these comment will not come to much help to you but they're just my thoughts.

Hope to read more from you,
Puck.

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J&R- Chapter One

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