Forgotten: Chapter One:
~Ten years later~
Ruby sits at her desk in her room, her pure black hair clipped neatly to the side with a red ribbon. Her delicate hands type on her laptop, homework her first priority. Her blue, almost white eyes scan over the words, her pure red lips mouthing what she has so far.
“Ruby,” A man says from behind her, “We have visitors.”
The small teenager nods before carefully closing the top of her laptop, but not shutting it down completely. Ruby turns off her small desk lamp before spinning around in her rolling chair, fixing her pretty, small, blue dress that cuts off at her knees. Her country boots reach up to the back of her legs, the sewing pattern finished by her mother, “Yes father.”
Glancing at her old stuffed teddy bear that she keeps placed on her pink twin bed, she puts her fingers together and kisses them carefully, before putting that hand to the stuffed animal’s tiny head. Seeing as her father had walked out, she makes sure she looks absolutely perfect for the interview. A first job…Something she’d never been able to pull off without her father’s help.
Ruby paces herself downstairs, smiling all the while. Once she reaches the bottom, a lady with a long green dress on practically stares her down, making Ruby take a small step back and she looks at the ground, “Is…Is there something wrong Mrs. Ramirez?” She asks, in her small, country accent.
“No, darling,” the old woman replies, a slight smile flickering across her thin lips, “You just look absolutely beautiful, is all.”
Ruby can’t help but blush at this. She’s never been called beautiful before, “Thank you.”
The teenager’s father leads the trio to the couches in their apartment, the lady glancing around and observing almost every object in the room.
Ruby’s father speaks after a minute of awkward silence, “Ruby is a straight A student. Has never gotten a grade lower and does not have any record of criminal activity—,"
“I have not come to speak to you, Joseph,” The lady spats, before smiling warmly at the young teenager, who is staring at the ceiling, “I have come to speak to Ms. Lost-in-her-thoughts over here.”
The annoyed and shamelessly irritated man elbows his daughter; his eyes flickering to her and then the old woman, hoping she’d know what to say…practiced what to say if it had to come to this.
“Mrs. Ramirez…” Ruby starts, a pinch of hostility in her tiny, soft voice, “As my father says, I am a straight A student. I haven’t done anything wrong in my life, and ever since my mother had passed away, I’ve been good for her sake. I promise you, I’ve been going to County Church every Sunday, and pray every night.”
The woman waits for more, not allowing that little of information to woo her just yet.
Ruby hesitates, “And with experience…I’ve been great with money ever since I was little. Great with math.”
The woman throws her heavy briefcase onto the table, “If you want to work at our bank…than you must fill out this form. You have the job,” She hands over a thin piece of paper before making her way out. Ruby smiles, unable to stop, and hugs her father tightly, “Thank you.”
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139,639 Literary Works • 672,637 Reviews
Heya Pix, as promised, Ita here to review.
Again, let me start off by saying I couldn't spot any grammatical errors in this, so kudos to you.
Now, onto the novel. My general impression, is wow, this is a really, really short chapter. Shorter than your prologue, if I'm not mistaken. It's like, a scene from a chapter, the introduction to more important events. So Ruby has a job at the bank, that's nice, good for Ruby. However, it's can't be it. That just can't be it. Nothing else of importance happens? I mean, okay, I've seen kids books (like what my little brother reads) that have a chapter last about five pages, and yet running this through Microsoft Word, it's 548 words, barely a page. That might be worked on.
And now onto nit-picks.
I've noticed that you tend to describe a character, or an object in general, by using a 'word adjective word adjective' ( eg noun adjective verb adverb) schematic. Which is fine, really, but tends to be a little unsettling -- at least in my opinion -- when done constantly, as you do. You may want to attempt different methods of description, if only for variety's sake.
You see, in cases like this:
You get, or can get, this and this. What I'm saying is, either tone it down or, no, better yet, change the way which you describe things.
Now onto grammatical nit-picks.
No need for capitalization, as I've no doubt mentioned when reviewing other of your pieces. No full stop, see what I mean?
Another issue that keeps popping up, in cases like those above, you need a full stop, not a comma. Again, example ). Based on what I know, I may be wrong (due to lack of knowledge or legal loophole in the country where the character lives), but usually working at a bank is a full-time job, and as such you have to be an adult? Unless she's sixteen and doesn't go to school anymore, but I believe there's still that age problem.
But yeah, this wasn't terrible! Keep writing.
Hope this helped
~Ita
The tiny fix I have is this - before someone's speaking, the commas should be replaced with periods unless it's something along the lines of "Ruby said, ' [insert comment here].'" Like in the sentence, "Ruby hesitates(.) 'And with with experience...'"
Does that make sense? That felt like a clumsy explanation, but it's just a little grammar thing. Anyway, I think that this is compelling, your characters seem good-natured and like people that I want to know more about, and in general I want to know more. That being said, it would also be nice to have this be extended further so that we could get more detail into the personalities of these people - but that also comes with time. I'm eager to keep reading, so keep writing!
The dad seems... distant from his daughter? Is this true? I know he helped her get a job and everything. Ruby also sounds very sweet and beautiful with the great descriptions that you have given. I love this and I am already hooked! I'm going to have to follow you. Please write more soon!!!!! XD
The dad seems... distant from his daughter? Is this true? I know he helped her get a job and everything. Ruby also sounds very sweet and beautiful with the great descriptions that you have given. I love this and I am already hooked! I'm going to have to follow you. Please write more soon!!!!! XD