Published April 8, 2011
May your lips land on mine
as we sit in the theater, not yet ready?Thats fine.
My ear hears an echo of your smooth Candy lips
I listen even more as the movie started to flip.
My eyes and hallow heart glisted with magic
as I held up my phone that was held in a casket.
My last total glismp was you and my dad
fighting over if he was a true careful lad.
But you tried and tried and gave up at 9.
Met me at school the next day and asked if I was fine.
I said I was but really was not
Until my tear whent down, I found I was caught.
You gave me a hug and left for class
as I looked at my necklace made of glass.
It was a photo of you and me
Finally together, Finally free.
I broke it and threw it away
as my hair started to gently sway.
You walked down the stairs and looked at me with is big blue eyes
As I knew that he wondered, How were mine?
You made me feel better and nor never sad
But you still were a enemy of my dear mean dad.
I found out that boys were just like trends.
and that it was fine just being freinds.
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140,596 Literary Works • 673,545 Reviews
I really enoyed your poem one of my favorites, i have like a gillion of them but hey i'm a girl i'm aloud to be complicated keep going at it.
Hi, Pix. Here to review.
I'm pretty sure that it would be earsin this part.
I'm not sure how movies flip... >.>
Your phone is held by a casket? Also, it would be hold, because this poem is in the now.
you changed from who you were talking about. To me. you called him 'you' in the line before, then jumped to 'he'.
tried what? To call you?
This poem confused me. It also, as usual had a lot of mistakes. You didn't explain what it was about, didn't give us any hints. All I got was that your dad didn't like this dude. At the beginning I got the feeling that you were talking about a kiss, and that's what the title says. To me, the title has nothing to do with a kiss or candy. Step back and think about it. I basically just rewrote your poem. You had some misspellings and wrong punctuation.
I fixed that though.
It's also, dreadfully cliche'. I understand, writing cliche is hard to get out of. Believe me, I've written some really cliche bad pieces. It's something you outgrow, but Pix, you've been here since May. There should have been some improvment. I've reviewed My Fly, and this one is def better, but, it's not that much. You still don't understand about proofreading. That's something I cannot stress to you enough. Everyone here has to get a big wake up call about proofreading and writing rules. There are lots. I don't know them all, and I'm hardly a master at any of them. But, I go and look them up if I'm not sure. So, this is what I'm going to do for you. I'm going to link you some great links that are writing resources, and explain the rules really well. If you read them, I'm sure that they can help you.
topic49052.html
topic35798.html
topic19432.html
topic44752.html
topic57938.html
topic19834.html
Not all of these have to do with this paticular poem. This is basically what I saw and went "Hmm, Pix needs work on that."
there are plently more of these where this came from.
Go to All Community forums,
then take a right (metphorically) at Knowledge Base
Then just swing into a sub forum
i.e. Grammar and Research, Misc., Poetry tutorials, Writing tutorials, YWS.
They help a lot. I swear it.
~Drama
There are some grammar and spelling mistakes that were kinda distracting to the poem. I don't think glisted is a word. It's a pretty good poem, though. I like poems that tell a story, and your's definitely did. It had good rhythm through the entire poem, which is good because usually I find a verse that doesn't have as much flow as the rest, but your's all seem to have the same beat and stuff, so good job on that. The one confusing thing was, at the beginning, I wasn't sure if it was from a girl's POV or a guy's, so maybe you could make that more obvious right away. Also, I don't really get what you mean by the movie flipping. That's probably just me being stupid, though. All in all, a decent piece. Good job.
-tgirly
Thanks alot.I thought the same thing!
- Pixie2~
This is really good! Keep writing! I can't wait to read more of your writing!
-Titan
I thought that it was one of the best poems I had ever written!!!
Pixie2