Camp horizon 1 and 2

Camp horizon 1

As Ronny was walking out of his blue tent, Skylar made confusion on when the schedule was due to camp Horizon. Camp Horizon was not just any camp It was sure to teach you about courage and responsibility in life, at work, at most hard times. I based my whole life on camp Horizon. I had learned much. Anyway, Skylar did not mention any schedule to the people of camp Horizon. But Ronny was the counselor of half of the camp; even know he is only 10 years old in age. He is responsible and he knows how to do everything in this camps schedule, like, fishing, art, history, language, electronics, clothes, time, wood and animals, and the things we should stay away from. THINGS WE SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM. That’s THE MOST IMPORTANT deed to his heart he would always say. “I am enough trouble. Ye get out of this camp if ye can’t take the commoners. Urban Commoners ye are, always on the look out.” That is the way he would speak. Then I made a vow that day promising that I would never trust commoners and the urban and that I will never go near one.

But then I met Anne. She was tiny and bony and needed help fast. She had a disease. Ran away from home and ended up at our campsite hungry to death so I helped her. We became best friends and she spent the next 3 weeks at camp horizon learning about wisdom. Today she was picking at her food and would not eat it. I told her that she needed some protein and if she did not eat her disease would get way worse.

She did not care and for 4 days strait she only drank water and ended up fine. But then on a Sunday, I was practicing my sewing in dressing class when I heard an announcement for me to meet a doctor at the camp hospital immediately as she needed to tell me a horrible, horrible statement. Anne was dead. I walked into her room and held her hand tight as wires were connected to her head and fingers. She had her eyes closed and she had no pulse. I could not believe it. One minute alive and then one minute dead? It’s impossible to hear such terror happening to a 13-year-old girl.

“What happened to her, murdered?” I asked.

“No, starvation. When she had pulse and she was still alive we checked her status and well…she had not eaten a crumb in 4 days. We tried to put some food in her mouth put she refused and would rather die than suffer. She asked me to call you immediately but then it was too late.” The doctor said with a frown on her face.

“Oh.” I said as a whisper.

I could have wished for a better life. Perhaps a better camp or a better family. But none of this nonsense is suppose to happen to my best friend. If only I could have encouraged her most her disease would have healed and she would have been a normal girl, but I suppose know one is perfect or normal. I am not perfect either.

At last Anne’s funeral was taken to state. I kneeled down on my knees and prayed that this was just a horrible dream. A nightmare. But, no. It was real; a tear ran down my eye’s I was looking at Anne in her coffin it reminded me of all the fun times we has swinging from ropes into the lake, camping out next to the boys and eating smores at 2:30 in the morning.

Then I touched her heart. A necklace was peering out of her cotton dress. It had a gold star connected to the medal long flat square. Nothing was on it so I ripped it off her neck to keep as a reminder of her.

I got back to my cabin. I grabbed the necklace from Anne out of my pocket; I looked at the side I saw in her coffin. I flipped it over. Then there were words. Small words printed on it. This is what they said, “proud to be Urban.” I could not believe my eyes. I vowed. But Anne was my best friend. Does that make a exeption? No it simply does not. I am ashamed of my self.

Check out my second series of “camp Horizon” And find out what happens to Gabby when the counselors find out she has been hanging out with a Urban person in “Camp Horizon 2, Gabby’s confession.”

Camp horizon 2-Gabbys confession

I walked into my bunk bed shared by 2 of my other friends, Rhonda and Jessie. They have jobs at the café next to our camp church. Jessie is a watrice and Rhonda is a cashier. Next to our camp tent are a boy’s tent that belongs to 3 boys named, Kyle, Harrison, and Tyler. Sometimes they play horrible pranks on us that get them in trouble. Perhaps they do that because they need someone to hang with. I jumped onto the chair and twirled around in circles next to our desk. “Gabby, Ummmm….. I wanted to just say I am sorry that Anne died.” Jessie said calmly. My face froze and I stopped spinning. Guilt streamed through my body remembering about my vow. “Gabby are you ok?” Rhonda asked. “yeah I’m fine.” I said. “and its ok, I warned her anyways about starvation but she didn’t listen.”

Rhonda ran to get me a tissue as a tear ran down my face, it was cold and frozen just like my body. I grabbed the tissue and wiped away the frozen tear. My blue eyes glistened in the moonlight and my body shivered with guilt. My wavy brown hair despised it all and made me irresistible. Rhonda’s wavy brown hair was is a high bun but as beautiful as could be. Jessie lay there hopelessly with a tear also running down her cheek her curly blond hair was covering her eyes and she cried and turned.

I still could not believe what terror I had gone through. My camp director burst through the door. Her face as red as an apple. I had plans that day but in that split second I canceled it. “Gabby. I heard you met a girl about a week ago that died in about a week. I just wanted to know, who was she and where did she come from?” she said deeply. “Well umm…. Her name was Anne Laurence and umm. She came from Arizona.” I said with fear. “By any chance do you have a remembrance of Anne Laurence?” She asked. Should I tell her about the necklace? “Yes I do.” I said. “Well give it over,” She said back. I reached inside my pocket and a gold necklace was held in my grip. I handed it over to her. She tossed and turned it and stared at the words on the back. “You know what you have done. You have been disqualified from this camp. No talking to Urban or hanging with Urban.” She said. I was done.

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User avatar
matthewmazer
Review

As Ronny was walking out of his blue tent, Skylar made confusion on when the schedule was due to camp Horizon. Camp Horizon was not just any camp It was sure to teach you about courage and responsibility in life, at work, at most hard times. I based my whole life on camp Horizon. I had learned much. Anyway, Skylar did not mention any schedule to the people of camp Horizon. But Ronny was the counselor of half of the camp; even know he is only 10 years old in age. He is responsible and he knows how to do everything in this camps schedule, like, fishing, art, history, language, electronics, clothes, time, wood and animals, and the things we should stay away from. THINGS WE SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM. That’s THE MOST IMPORTANT deed to his heart he would always say. “I am enough trouble. Ye get out of this camp if ye can’t take the commoners. Urban Commoners ye are, always on the look out.” That is the way he would speak. Then I made a vow that day promising that I would never trust commoners and the urban and that I will never go near one.

Right in this chapter there are mostly alot of missing puncuation. You could also add or rearrange words to make the sentences understand, especially the first one, and this goes with most of your paragraphs.
I would like to say that I do like your story, and the idea behind it.

If you need help with anything like punctuation just send me a message or something.

User avatar
PixieStix
Comment

Thanks!!


~pixie~
Liv,laugh,love :D

User avatar
stargazer9927
Review

I think this is a great idea but it needs a lot of work. I'll start by saying the whole thing was a bit confusing. You attempted to sum everything up in a paragraph at the beginning, but all that did was confuse me. Remember detail is extremely important and I think the first paragraph was using a lot of tell rather than show. Making it show a bit more would really help your reader not to be so confused and will also add more to the story as a whole and allow the reader to get interested. The first paragraph is usually the first thing that decides whether the reader wants to read the rest of the story.

I'm am way lost to what urbans are and why they're so important to this story. And what exactly is this girl's background story? And you kind of just mentioned her name so suddenly without really even adding it into the story. I don't remember reading anything about her except a little bit of her personally and she was so determined to stay away from urbans that she thought she was a horrible person for having her best friend. What disease did Anne have? Was it something to do with eating, like a disorder, or did it hurt to eat so that's why she wouldn't?

She did not care and for 4 days #FF0000 ">straightshe only drank water and ended up fine.

Remember if the number is less than 100 you need to spell it out.

when I heard an announcement for me to meet a doctor at the camp hospital immediately as she needed to tell me a horrible, horrible statement.

Was this like an annocement over a loudspeaker? What kind of camp would say that in front of everyone?

“Oh.” I said as a whisper.

It's supposed to read, "Oh," I said as a whisper. I said as a whisper isn't a full sentence so the two of them are supposed to be connected with a comma rather than a period. It's a rule of dialogue. You have a lot of these in your story, but I'm only going to point out this one.

At last Anne’s funeral was taken to state. I kneeled down on my knees and prayed that this was just a horrible dream. A nightmare. But, no. It was real; a tear ran down my eye’s I was looking at Anne in her coffin it reminded me of all the fun times we has swinging from ropes into the lake, camping out next to the boys and eating smores at 2:30 in the morning.

Great use of emotion. I could feel her pain here.

“Gabby#FF0000 ">[Comma] are you ok?” Rhonda asked.


Rhonda ran to get me a tissue as a tear ran down my face, it was cold and frozen just like my body. I grabbed the tissue and wiped away the frozen tear. My blue eyes glistened in the moonlight and my body shivered with guilt. My wavy brown hair despised it all and made me irresistible. Rhonda’s wavy brown hair was is a high bun but as beautiful as could be. Jessie lay there hopelessly with a tear also running down her cheek her curly blond hair was covering her eyes and she cried and turned.

Great use of detail and describing her. This is great writing!

I walked into my bunk bed shared by 2 of my other friends, Rhonda and Jessie. They have jobs at the café next to our camp church. Jessie is a watrice and Rhonda is a cashier. Next to our camp tent are a boy’s tent that belongs to 3 boys named, Kyle, Harrison, and Tyler. Sometimes they play horrible pranks on us that get them in trouble. Perhaps they do that because they need someone to hang with. I jumped onto the chair and twirled around in circles next to our desk. “Gabby, Ummmm….. I wanted to just say I am sorry that Anne died.” Jessie said calmly. My face froze and I stopped spinning. Guilt streamed through my body remembering about my vow. “Gabby are you ok?” Rhonda asked. “yeah I’m fine.” I said. “and its ok, I warned her anyways about starvation but she didn’t listen.”

Remember that you need to start a new paragraph whenever someone knew is talking so it doesn't get confusing.

I still could not believe what terror I had gone through. My camp director burst through the door. Her face as red as an apple. I had plans that day but in that split second I canceled it. “Gabby. I heard you met a girl about a week ago that died in about a week. I just wanted to know, who was she and where did she come from?” she said deeply. “Well umm…. Her name was Anne Laurence and umm. She came from Arizona.” I said with fear. “By any chance do you have a remembrance of Anne Laurence?” She asked. Should I tell her about the necklace? “Yes I do.” I said. “Well give it over,” She said back. I reached inside my pocket and a gold necklace was held in my grip. I handed it over to her. She tossed and turned it and stared at the words on the back. “You know what you have done. You have been disqualified from this camp. No talking to Urban or hanging with Urban.” She said. I was done.

Why didn't the camp director suspect anything before now? Did the death suddenly bring it to her attention?

Like I said before, I think this a great idea and I think with a little more detail and less confusion it could be a really good story. My suggestion would be to go back and proof read it because I noticed a lot of grammar errors when I was reading it. Especially watch your commonly confused words.

I would also suggest splitting this into two parts rather than just the one. It makes it sound better rather than just combining them.



Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think all the time. Just like that rainforest scare a few years back: our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn't they?
— Homer Simpson