The reflection of the ripe, transfixing moon lay translucent within the dark, watery,charcoal eyes of Freya Spence. Its rays painting grey glimmers in the tufts of long, black hair that tumbled over her uncovered shoulders. The soft, bitter breeze from the ajar window softly nipping at her pale-white skin, barley covered by the loose, over-sized t-shirt that hung limp over her thin, fine body, exposing most of her neck and shoulders. Breathing in broken quivers, she wiped the hot thick tears from her freezing skin, that felt like acid as they rolled down her rosy, frost bitten cheeks.
It wasn't her fault. He said he'd never hurt her, that he loved her. Could you imagine her surprise when the fair-haired, blue eyed diamond in the debris turned out to be just another scrap of common stone, except this stone had his tongue half way down Jessica Whitmore's throat by fourth period. add this to the list of worst Valentines Days ever. But it wasn't about Valentines Day, not Jessica, not even fourth period history class. This was about him. His unkempt promises, the fact that she would blame herself before turning on him.
Freya lent forward, Reaching for the old, weathered handle, perched on the side of the window frame that hung weighty over the daunting drop from her second story bedroom, but was interrupted by an angry gurgle accompanied by a sharp pain in her stomach. She hadn't eaten for at least a day or two now and her body was punishing her.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well, that was quite the description there, it certainly got a lot into almost a poetic sense there with the level of imagery being used to describe this person here, and the way that you show that it appears they're suffering from something and is just standing out in a pretty cold place crying. It definitely gets your attention right away here with the comparisons you use especially for those tears there.
Hmm, well the crying appears to be something to do with a bit of a love affair here, well, I was kind of expecting something a bit more serious with the intensity of the suffering being depicted, but well, I suppose this could always be something more than it appears to be on the surface. And well, adding to that particular idea is that last line where she says she may end up blaming herself instead whoever ruined her day for this here issue soo...that's definitely mentioning something deeper hidden in there. At any rate, this is pretty intriguing so far.
Oh well, ending off by adding some bad news to the table there. Going hungry is never really a good sign in situations like this one. You can certainly see that this person is being very strongly affected by the things going on here...and well its a powerful image you've created right at the beginning.
This manages to definitely get a reader's attention here, this is certainly a story that I would continue to read in order to see what this all might lead back to here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
You can be a great witer one day may be one of the best. I read the whole stuff. But i want something more. I understood the you basically dealt with the girl's emotion. But the little addition of love and circumstances will bring more shine in this story. I enjoyed but could have enjoyed more if her emotions turn out into an interesting story. You know you to write but think and work more on your creativity. People always enjoy a movie than episodes. Episodes turn at last into a complete story. Always prefer stories rather than focussing on just a part. I have a feeling that you can be good writer but work out on your thoughts. Thoughts are always powerful than description. Remember thoughts move people rather than words.
Be creative.
Other than this i like your sentence structure. Your descriptions are impressive. You are really good. Keep it up.
I haven't even read the whole thing yet. And I already think you're a better writer than I am.
Though I will say you missed a couple of spaces. Somewhere.
And you have one too many spaces. Somewhere.
Ok, NOW I have read the whole thing. And I have to say. It's quite interesting. Keep it up.
I seriously think you have a problem with these smiley faces.
...Meh.
You should also know that, well, I don't give the best advice ever so... yeah. Just ignore everything I say. That's what people usually do anyway.
But I meant it when I said this is interesting. Though I would question why she hasn't eaten for a day or two, well, I'm guessing you'll explain that in the next chapter. You ARE writing the next chapter right? I mean, I understand if you don't. I'm lazy like that too.
I seriously think that 90% of all your reviews are taken up by your rambling.
...Shut up.
Anyway. But what I will question is... how would she not know for how long she hasn't eaten?
...I barely understood that sentence.
JUST SHUT UP!
Anyway. I mean. I get that your brain doesn't function as well without food and water and oxygen and... energy. But I would at least know how long I've gone without food. Just saying.
I think that's it. Sorry for all my rambling.
Also. PLEASE TELL ME YOU GOT THE NAME FREYA FROM THE TV SHOW MERLIN! THAT SHOW IS THE BEST!
But anyway. Bye! And happy writing! You'll be much better than me someday. Maybe you already are.
She already is.
Yeah I know...
ThePhoenix has signed off.
OMG. What happens next?
Hey, Will here.
Chills. Sorry, I need to go get a blanket. *grabs blanket* *re-reads short*
What have I done?
This piece of writing tho. I NEED MORE. DON'T LEAVE ME HANGING. This is like, dramatic, suspenseful, unpredictable. At the same time, it also resembles that people actually do this nowadays. Oh, my boyfriend cheated on me. Now, I will die. It's a true problem in society.
So since it was a bit confusing, I'll just list out what I thought the main storyline was. Correct me if I'm wrong.
She is standing on the window sill, looking at the moon, thinking about what had happened that day (and that day was Valentine's Day.)
She loved a boy, which she thought loved him back, as he said he'd never hurt her and that he loved her.
Yet in fourth period, he cheated on her.
Now she was going to jump from her bedroom window, but her stomach stopped her (yes!)
Yeah. That's what I got from this story. Something's I will tell you to improve on.
Never ever put a whole chunk of description at the start of your story. It can be too much for the reader sometimes, and the reader will, therefore, not remember any of it. Instead, weave it into the book. Let me give you an example (it's not that hard.)
So let's take a sentence from your (really good, may I add) description:
Breathing in broken quivers, she wiped the hot thick tears from her freezing skin, that felt like acid as they rolled down her rosy, frost bitten cheeks.
Okay, now we could move it anywhere in the story to
1. Make it more dramatic and
2. Reduce the amount of description at the start.
I think a good place to put this sentence would simply be after the second paragraph, or before the third.
But it wasn't about Valentines Day, not Jessica, not even fourth period history class. This was about him. His unkempt promises, the fact that she would blame herself before turning on him. Breathing in broken quivers, she wiped the hot thick tears from her freezing skin, that felt like acid as they rolled down her rosy, frost bitten cheeks.
or
Breathing in broken quivers, she wiped the hot thick tears from her freezing skin, that felt like acid as they rolled down her rosy, frost bitten cheeks. Freya lent forward, Reaching for the old, weathered handle, perched on the side of the window frame...
Just a simple move like that can change a lot.
Secondly, grammar and spelling.
...within the dark, watery, charcoal eyes of Freya Spence...
...nipping at her pale-white skin, barely covered by the loose...
...down her rose, frost-bitten cheeks...
...the fair-haired, blue-eyed diamond in the debris...
...not Jessica, not even fourth-period history class...[/quote]
[i]Freya leant forward, reaching for the old, weathered handle...
...drop from her second-story bedroom, but was...
Phew. That was a lot of work.
Anyways, I really loved the story. Is there going to be any more parts to this? Hopefully there is. In fact, *follows just to see if you post anymore*
-willachilles