Published November 11, 2006
Thanks to the website link snoink gave me ive cracked down on grammatical errors please alert me if i have any .
its only the prolouge but hopefully its alright
Jonathan Witts
Prologue
Life and death.. what does it matter, we all die eventually but none seem to care our lifes are just pieces on the chess board of evolution but what if there was a way? A way to be alive forever and not even the gods themselves can harm us , the universe to rule for ourselves selfish dreams lived well.. some did dream of that and they followed it .
Once in a far off land of Britaimerica was born a child of pure magic, no faults nothing lived up to her immense power . From a young age she ruled a few tribes but as she grew and her power increased she became a priestess . The one thing she ever wished for that wasn't in her powers was a little girl, she was not able to have a child as her powers restricted it so she made on from her power taking DNA from her lover and her own and forged it in the fires on the volcano of mexikesh. When the child was not what she wanted the priestess banished it to a prison here is the little girls story
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There is a dire need for commas in the entire story. Try breaking sentences up into smaller ones.
Toward the end, bad need of commas. Plus, the colon in the last sentence. Revise your grammar.
Read the piece. Whenever you naturally pause stick in a comma (which is a rough guide, but it gives you an idea).
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I think the story itself is okay, but you need to concentrate on your writing style (mostly punctuation and flow).
I partially agree with Trident on the mixing genres thing. The word (well, acronym) DNA seems out of place - perhaps use something more fantasy sounding, such as blood?
Keep on writing
hehe worse than i thought *slaps head*
Ill revise it and have a new version up in a few days
thanks for the help
I ditto trident here. The grammar makes the piece clumsy and almost unreadable. It has no fluidity for me to catch and ride. Also, the content is pretty cliche, especially the opening - the thing that's supposed to wow me. The whole 'care cares, we all die' threw me, and kind of set a bad mood for me for the rest of the piece.
I think you need to read more. Read a lot. Read for a year without writing a thing, if you can, then write again. It should teach you a thing or two about writing, and what to avoid cliche-wise.
-Fantasy
Okay, first of all, the grammar is horrendous. It makes this piece almost impossible to read. You need to study up on comma usage.
The beginning is... bad, emo bad. The only thing that is worth salvaging is the idea that there is possibly a way to live forever. And that is the only thing I would save. Cut the rest of the cliched "chess board" crap.
Britaimerica is neither cute nor clever; it's simply confusing. You should never name a fictional place after a real place (or a mixture of two real places) just so you can have a clever name. Unless the story itself has some sort of metaphorical relationship with that place, then it shouldn't be there.
The girl in the second paragraph is about as interesting as me looking at my left foot right now. In fact, I think my foot might be just a tad more interesting.
You're mixing genres when you mention DNA and the fires of a volcano in the same sentence. Mixing genres can be okay, but definitely not here. It makes your whole story sound like some kind of horrible religion. Oh wait, they already have that. It's called Scientology.