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Fugitive:Barely the beginning

by PirateQueen


This is barely the beginning of this story, but I need to make sure it's a good idea for a story before i continue. Aslo does this make sense?

Thoughts of things done earlier that week were running through my mind. Screams of hysteric children after hearing the guns shots, still rang in my ears. Pictures of grown men begging for mercy, flashed before me. My brother being dragged off was still fresh in my mind. Tears burned my eyes as I held them back. Now wasn’t the time to cry I had to pack and leave. I had to put it all behind me. Looking at my hands I wondered how they could do such horrible things. Mine were still innocent. I haven’t ever been able to pull the trigger on my gun. Grabbing my backpack I slung it on my back and headed to the kitchen to put some snacks in.

The doorbell rang as I put in some apples. Opening the door I found a police officer staring back at me. “Are you Lilly Vinturry?” The officer asked. “Yes,” I responded. “You’re under arrest for…” He wasn’t able to continue because as he said this and started to handcuff me, I twirled out of his grasp. Realizing I wasn’t going down without a fight he charged. Barely avoiding him I pulled my gun out and did the unthinkable. I fired. The bulled hit its mark and the officer fell. I could see the blood on his chest and felt faint, but I wasn’t giving up now. Without considering the consequences I ran. I didn’t look back or think of what I had done, I just ran.




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Tue Mar 13, 2007 5:29 pm
Teague wrote a review...



I thought this was fairly decent, a few grammatical errors that could use some fixing. I'll point them out as I go along.

PirateQueen wrote:Thoughts of things done earlier that week were running through my mind. Screams of hysteric children after hearing the guns shots, still rang in my ears. Pictures of grown men begging for mercy, flashed before me. My brother being dragged off was still fresh in my mind.

The first sentence is a little confusing. I had to read it twice to understand. It needs some rewording, like "Thoughts of things that had happened earlier that week ran rampant through my mind" or something along those lines. Also, gunshots is one word, and you don't need the comma after it. Plus you don't need the comma after "mercy" in the next sentence. It's not a pause so the comma has no place there.

Tears burned my eyes as I held them back. Now wasn’t the time to cry I had to pack and leave. I had to put it all behind me. Looking at my hands I wondered how they could do such horrible things. Mine were still innocent. I haven’t ever been able to pull the trigger on my gun. Grabbing my backpack I slung it on my back and headed to the kitchen to put some snacks in.

This first sentence is also poorly worded. Something along the lines of "Tears burned my eyes, but I held them back" would be better. Comma after "hands," also. I like the whole talking-to-my-hands-as-if-they're-not-mine thing, but the 6th sentence is another badly worded one. "I've never been able to..." would be a better opener for that sentence. Also, some setting would be better to come earlier, because I was reading along and all the sudden there's a kitchen. What? Like say towards the beginning, in the thought part, that the speaker was thinking in their, say, living room or whatever. And do you mean put snacks in the backpack? Say so!

The doorbell rang as I put in some apples. Opening the door I found a police officer staring back at me. “Are you Lilly Vinturry?” The officer asked. “Yes,” I responded. “You’re under arrest for…” He wasn’t able to continue because as he said this and started to handcuff me, I twirled out of his grasp. Realizing I wasn’t going down without a fight he charged. Barely avoiding him I pulled my gun out and did the unthinkable. I fired. The bulled hit its mark and the officer fell. I could see the blood on his chest and felt faint, but I wasn’t giving up now. Without considering the consequences I ran. I didn’t look back or think of what I had done, I just ran.

If you mention the backpack thing or whatever earlier, the first sentence would be fine. "Door" needs a comma after it, too. "Staring back at me" seems sort of out of place, I'd put "standing on the other side" or something like that. Find another way to say "barely." -ly words are not good.Also, remember, whenever a new character speaks, it's a new paragraph. So it'd be:

blah blah blah..."Are you..."

"Yes..." blah blah blah

"You're under arrest..." blah blah blah. Make sense?

Anyway, I'm not sure what this is about so far, but it's a good intro and I'd like to see you expand on it a little more. This has promise and I'd like to read what's next. =)

-St. Razorblade





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