Night visitor part 8

Hi :) sorry it took a while, I've had a ton of coursework to do :( I haven't been able to go over it much so I'm not very happy with it- any suggestions on improvement would be great! Especially on the last part. Well anyway, hope you like it! :D

Zahra looked up and allowed a new grin to slowly stretch across her face, twisting her features. “This will all change tonight!”

End of part 7

*

The noise was deafening, unnaturaly so. Holly squeezed her hands over her ears and gaped at the strangers yelling and cheering before her.

I’m not going to be taken in by this- this can’t be right… It just can’t be!

She wanted so hard to believe herself, to forget everything Zahra had just said- but she could feel the icy numbness of the awful truth crawling through her veins. She felt like she was going to collapse. This was all too much. Pinpricks of light hovered before her eyes and sweat broke out on her forehead.

Not real… Not real…

Zahra was still holding Holly’s arm as she was sick. She managed to keep her standing through her pincer grip and shushed the crowd with a warning glance- still smiling though.

“It would seem that our friend here is a little overwhelmed, it’s a shame she doesn’t have longer to adjust.” A few onlookers laughed, some grinning unpleasantly. “Now, lets get her on the seat shall we?”

At Zahra’s words, the audience parted to allow two skeletal members to walk through from the back of the clearing- a heavy, ornate gold chair hoisted onto their shoulders. What should have crippled them rested lightly in their arms, proving to be little trouble at all.

Zahra propelled Holly forwards, as the two men set the chair down dangerously close to the crackling bonfire. Joseph took hold of Holly’s other arm, his hold less tight but with the same icy feel as Zahra’s.

“You people are mad…” Holly whispered as she shook her head, trying to shake off the scene before her.

“Mad? Well, if that makes you feel any more comfortable then your welcome to think it.” Zahra’s voice was smug- that of someone who was confident of their win.

Joseph and Zahra turned Holly to face the fire and pulled her up in one swift movement on to the throne like chair. The heat was intense and she shrunk as far back into her seat as possible. “Too… hot…” She mumbled, knowing that saying her thoughts loudly would make no difference whatsoever. Zahra left her, to where Holly could not see. Joseph and another zombie-like observer were pinning her wrists to the arm rests of the chair, winding thick rope around her and securing it tightly with complicated knots- as if it were possible for her to escape. She felt the cord bite into her skin, pressing down on her veins. Holly’s eyes met Josephs for a second before he looked away uncomfortably. He seemed to be the one person out of everyone there that showed any signs of uneasiness.

“Get the drums!” Zahra’s command sounded from the other side of the fire and was followed by a click of her fingers.

There were more flitters of movement on the edge of Holly’s vision- but she couldn’t focus on a thing with the searing flame flooding her sight. She squeezed her eyes shut but still she saw the flashes of red, invading the darkness of her closed lids.

The steady beat of drums reached Holly from all sides of the clearing. The thumping was marking the lead up to something big, building on the anticipation.

Zahra said they push people out… Its ridiculous- impossible, but what if it works? What if I’m shoved out of this - my- body?

It was all happening too quickly. Holly twisted her face to the side; Jospeh and the other boy had moved onto tying her legs- cutting into the circulation of her feet. She stared at Joseph.

“Please,” she croaked, her breath rasping.

He kept his gaze firmly fixed on the rope.

“Don’t…” It was no use. He wouldn’t listen to her pleading- none of them would.

“Filo!” Zahra’s voice rose over the pulse of the drums, sharp and authoritive.

“Here it is,” Holly didn’t need to see Filo’s face to know it was him- his strange gruff tone wasn’t one she would soon forget.

“Perfect. Now lets begin!”

I won’t give up, I’ll fight whatever happens.

She kept the thought at the front of her mind as Zahra came into her line of sight, stalking around the fire. The flames were reflected back in her eyes, making her very soul seem alight. Holly could see something glinting in her hands- a knife? She tried to break free of the rope constricting her but there was no way out. She was completely trapped.

Closer and closer Zahra came, the drums tempo increased as Holly’s heart quickened. In one hand Zahra held a long, curved and very sharp looking, blade. In the other she held a small blue bottle, a cork in its top, pinched between her thumb and forefinger. The liquid behind the tinted glass looked thick and black, filled three-quarters of the way up.

I won’t scream, I won’t scream…

The uselessness of fighting her binds forced Holly to sit rigidly as Zahra towered over her. Triumph was stamped clearly upon Zahra’s features and Holly grit her teeth together to prevent the pleas for mercy escaping- she knew they would fall upon dead ears.

“Silly, stupid girl. You are about to become something great.” Zahra’s voice was a hiss as she bent down, pointing the knife at the crook of Holly’s elbow.

Despite her best attempts to remain silent, a muffled moan escaped Holly’s lips as the metal sliced downwards. It was not a quick movement- Zahra was deliberately slow, tracing the sharp ridge across her skin with a consistant pressure that drew a line of blood in its wake. The tears rose to Holly’s eyes and she tried to blink them back fiercely.

She wants a reaction, she wants to see me in pain.

Zahra showed no signs of hesitancy, only glee. Still the drums thumped, louder, faster.

One long line of red stretching from elbow to the tip of her finger marked the knife’s path. Zahra handed the glistening knife to someone awaiting behind her and uncorked the small bottle. A pungent aroma rose as the stopper came free but Zahra seemed untroubled by it, her grin remaining fixed in place. “Goodbye.”

She dipped her hand, tilting the phial so that droplets leaked from the top and fell onto the gaping cut running down Holly’s arm. The mud-like consistency dropped heavily to mingle with her blood, waiting a moment before spreading and seeping into the wound.

Fire. Blind agony.

Holly realised she was screaming after a few seconds, but could not work out how to stop. She no longer cared- dignity was nothing. The pain consumed all. It felt like someone had poured liquid flame onto her skin, it ran through her bloodstream, a red hot poker that seared through to her bone. Were the drums still beating? Holly could not hear. Zahra’s face had dissolved from her vision, all that was left was red. It was everywhere, the burning was in every cell of her body, the tips of her hair, the tears she now wept, her screaming tongue. She couldn’t tell if she was still sitting- surely her writhing body was in the bonfire and not on the chair. It was incomprehensible, this awful feeling that ate at her soul. Time was nothing- seconds, days, it would be all the same.

Then everything stopped. Silence. It was like someone had pressed a mute button, blocking out all sound and feeling.

A light appeared. A white, soft light that Holly could sense more than see.

It was above Holly, calling to her. It offered a way out- it offered freedom. A refuge from the twisted body her spirit was confined to. If she were to shun it, she knew the pain would return- perhaps it would kill her. Holly had an overwhelming urge to leave, to float up and out and be released. She wanted it, more than she had ever wanted anything in her life before. There was something pushing her towards it, ushering her towards peace and calm.

No…

Thanx for reading!:D

Comments & reviews · 6
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User avatar
asxz
Comment

OMG! Make this a book... and I will buy it! Seriously... I don't care if I've already read it! Great work!

User avatar
SheepMonoxide
Review

Thank you for the PM.
<3_<3 I love you! I love Night Visitor !
WOW.
Just wow. Wow wow wow wow. xD So creepy and scary(ish) and awesome and I'm falling off my chair. I really am.
I can't wait wait wait wait wait wait wait for the next bit! Sorry, I'm a bit excited. XD

..... That was really creepy... But totally awesome! My skin was crawling! Nuf said! It was great! Who cares about grammer when the story is awesome! Sorry, I'm being too hyper and enthusiastic, but I really do think it's great! Can't wait for the rest.

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Rosendorn
Review

*Shudders* I said I'd get to this today, didn't I? Good gosh this was Creeeepy.

Zahra said they push people out


I don't remember this from past chapters.....

In one hand Zahra held a long, curved and very sharp looking, blade.


I would nix the comma after "looking" to this was a list. It's a touch confusing the way it is now.

tilting the phial so that


"Vile" instead of "phial."

The mud-like consistency dropped heavily to mingle with her blood, waiting a moment before spreading and seeping into the wound.


I wasn't quiet sure where the stuff landed. Was it just above the wound or right in it? Make that a little clearer.

~~

Oh-kay, that's all I noticed in the creep-zone.

Overall- I didn't really notice anything wrong here, other then a few nit-picks which Meadow has already pointed out, along with mine.

Although I do have to ask, how will Holly get out of this? I thought you said she wouldn't end up possessed!

~Rosey

User avatar
xDudettex
Review

Hey =]

Thanks for the PM!

Oh my God - I absolutely loved it. The way you described everything made it seem as if i was right there with Holly. I felt so sorry for her. It was truly terrifying and really creepy. Zahra is evil!
I like how you made Joseph a little less evil than the rest of them though - it gave the plot a little something else - just to know that he doesn't 100% agree with whats going on. I did kinda get that impression though from when she was still under the effects of the pill and he was watching her in one of the earlier parts.

I'm totally gripped! Can't wait for the next part =]

Gold star :D

xDudettex

User avatar
MeadowLark
Review

Heya Pippie! Another wonderful chapter!

This one had me sitting on the edge of my seat, no doubt about it. It was sort of creepy. Let's see if I can find anything to critic on.

She felt like she was going to collapse, this was all too much.


Hmm...Perhaps ending the sentence at collapse and "this was all too much" be a new sentence. It may sound better.

Zahra was still holding Holly’s arm as she was sick.


I knew what you meant here, but I got confused at the sick part. It took my awhile to get it (but it's probably just me). :)

Holly’s eyes met Josephs for a second before he looked away uncomfortably- he seemed to be the one person out of everyone there that showed any signs of uneasiness.


Perhaps instead of a dash there, you could put a period and capitilize he. It wouldn't so long.

As the metal sliced downwards a muffled moan escaped Holly’s lips, despite her best attempts to remain silent.


I have two suggestions for this line.

First: Put a comma after downwards. It just seems natural to stop there. Reading sentences out loud help you tell where there is a natural pause.

Second: Rewrite it (here's an example) Despite her best attempts to remain silent, a muffled moan escaped Holly's lips as the metal sliced downwards.

It's entirely up to you though. :)

Overall: This really gave me the chills. I enjoyed this part greatly. At first I thought they were going to burn her alive...Thank goodness they didn't. Good job and I hoped I helped ^_^

Happy Writing!

Meadow



No matter what happens I'll always know there's a quote of mine in the YWS quote generator.
— looseleaf