Hazel-chapter 3

IM COMMENTING EVEN TOUGHT THERE NOTHING HERE. Y'KNOW WHY???????
CUZ IM EVIL

Ok, honestly I didn't even read the full story because it was getting to hard to read. The sentences seem jumbled together, you need to go back, look at them, rewrite, explain things that even though you as the writer know, the people reading wouldn't know, and slooooww doowwn....OK! ok. Also, you're making the sentence/thoughts way too complicated than what they need to be. Like with, " Every time the ivory handled brush stopped at her chin, Adalyn winced. That was something she wasn’t accustomed to(;something she would never get used to.). Aurialla said it had something to do with looking like a peasant. Why that was relevant, Adalyn had no clue(;why that was, Adalyn had no clue.) Fancy words are nice but you don't always need them.

Hiya! Luxy here with your review! Once again, red is grammar, purple is word choice, and blue is my commentary.

Sakuragirl1 wrote:Adalyn lay on the soft red couch, unable to sleep. She had a good day with Rapunzel, dressing in the pretty gowns she was accustomed to. Every time the ivory handled brush stopped at her chin, Adalyn winced. That was something she wasn’t accustomed to. Aurialla said it had something to do with looking like a peasant. Why that was relevant, Adalyn had no clue. AdalynI would change this to 'she'. It sounds awkward with her name again shuddered. She hated that Aurialla woman. The nerve of her, using her magic to sneak into her castle chamber, and after stealing baby Rapunzel fifteen years ago.I get what you are trying to say here, but the sentence doesn't make much sense. Try fixing it. Adalyn grew up with the stories of her lost sister, hearing over and over again from her nursemaid how crown princess Rapunzel had been stolen at her christing by the enchanting Lady Aurialla, teller of Gilmore.
"You're the crown princess now." she would remind Adalyn. "And your royal parents will never make that mistake again."
Apparently they didn’t need to for Aurialla to have Adalyn. Kidnapping would do. Adalyn never believed that the prophesy was true. It seemed to her that magic would have done the trick. A convincing prophesy couldn't be that hard for someone as good at magic as she was. Aurialla was good at it, and Adalyn hated all the magic. The incantation that kept her from speaking hurt, and she was still shaking the residue from her body. The only thing that hurt worse was when she tried to tell Rapunzel the truth. The words stopped in her throat and a fiery pain rushed through her body. I was so intense that Adalyn knew is she wasn't quiet, she would die. After that, she hinted at things as much as the spell would let her, but Rapunzel was terribly dense. She seemed stupid for a girl of fifteen. Of course, she lived her whole life without lessons. I love how you made this realistic with the no schooling thing! Its funny!
Maybe this won't be so bad thought Adalyn, remembering her strong hate for daily lessons with the boring Mr. Harrison and poise with the aloof lady Marentil. Besides, Aurialla must really love Hazel if she went through all this trouble just to keep her...
Adalyn snapped out of it. What an enchantment. One that could use Adalyn's own memories and logic against her, and did she say Hazel?
I need to be more careful she thought. If Aurialla was powerful enough to do that, than Adalyn did not want to test her wrath. Byren had come here and been denied, and he wasn't about to give up. Adalyn sighed. Byren was so tall and handsome. His brown hair fell over his forehead just so. He wasn't lanky, but not too broad. His eyes were the exact color of cut emeralds. He had a tendency to be jealous and hot-tempered, but not around Adalyn. Once again, Adalyn had to force herself out of an impossible fantasy. Byren Sanatera was engaged to her sister. The sister Adalyn had found.
Maybe if I returned Rapunzel, the entire kingdom would be eternally grateful and Mother and Father would marry me to Darius Sanatera, instead of sending me to a convent.
New paragraph.Adalyn automatically felt ashamed for all the times she wished Rapunzel would never come back, so Adalyn could marry Darius and escape the second daughters fate, the convent. Of course, the idea of ruling had always terrified Adalyn, and Darius wasn't exactly emperor material. Now, Adalyn wouldn't have to rule. She just hoped she wouldn't have to forsake love and be a nun, like a peasant daughter with no money to spare with a dowry. This was assuming Rapunzel and Adalyn would ever escape this cursed tower, which Adalyn had no absolutes about. Maybe Darius will save us Adalyn thought with a laugh. The younger Sanatera was handsome, though not as much as his brother. Close cropped blonde hair and brown eyes on Darius' part made the brothers opposites in appearance, but they were so alike in every other way except one. Darius had shown an interest in Adalyn, unlike his brother who barely noticed the young princess' existence. Darius had often asked to dance at the balls, and if Adalyn accepted, it was reluctant, preferring to pine for his older brother. Thinking back, Adalyn probably should have accepted more, now that her sister, Byren's fiancée, was found, and sure to marry him. Adalyn sighed, it wasn't her choice, and never had been. She had only been fooling herself. To riled to sleep, Adalyn pushed off the heavy goose-feather cover and wandered in the library in her nightgown. A scandalous thought in the castle, where a young boy could be wandering. But here, in this horrible tower, Adalyn doubted that any young dukes or visiting princes would see her, and the supposedly invisible servants posed no threats. The thought of invisible servants seemed farfetched, even in this magic tower. Adalyn picked up a yellowed paper and opened it. It was a wanted poster, for Aurialla. Adalyn wondered if the ransom would rise now that two crown princesses had been kidnapped. She had always felt like she was the second favorite, even though the first was far away, in a tower. It was hard to hate Rapunzel though. Hard, but not impossible. Adalyn knew she could do it if she tried, but her sister needed a friend, or at least someone to teach her about society. She had no idea about the world except what she got from her books, and books were rarely the truth. This girl needed reality, and Adalyn was going to be the one to give it to her.