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E - Everyone Violence

Pirate Princess

by Pinkratgirl


I watch as she pins the little white and pink flowers in my blonde hair. To me, the flowers represent a new day, a new beginning. I stare at myself in the mirror when Mrs. Mary is finished decorating my hair, admiring the little yellow centers of the flowers. I hear a knock at my door and my mother walks in, her face red with rage,

“Get those stupid flowers out of her hair immediately!” She screams, staring me down with unforgiving eyes. Mrs. Mary sadly and slowly picks the flowers out of my hair and tossed them back in the basket we used to collect them from the royal garden. I watch as they fall into the basket, their petals overlapping each other’s yellow centers. I should have known mother would make Mrs. Mary pull them out of my hair, it represents the silliness of a child, and I am no child, I am only fifteen though. But my mother says I am practically an adult.

After all the flowers are picked out of my hair and burned in the fire place, my mother orders Mrs. Mary the get me dressed in my gown, it is my wedding day after all.

I grab the back of a chair to steady myself while Mrs. Mary tightens my corset, leaving no air to breath, let alone move. I have never met my to-be husband, the one I will marry and spend the rest of my life with. My mother says that he is a prince from somewhere in the northern region. He apparently likes to play chess, that’s what the letters that he sends me tell me. We are not allowed to see each other until the wedding day, it’s a tradition I am not very fond of. I deserve to see that man I will marry. My mother and father hate each other but they made me, didn’t they? So they must love each other at least a little bit. When Mrs. Mary is done with the corset or the torcher machine as I call it she helps me into my white dress for the wedding. She does my hair, and my makeup. My blush for my cheeks consists of crushed rose petals. She puts a veil in front of my face. The soft satin rubs against my legs making them itch. I think I may be allergic to satin, for every time I wear it I get red bumps wherever it had decided to rest. My mid-section is locked up tight in my corset, like this room I am in, a prison for me dwell in. My satin dress has a pretty lace that covers my arms and neck, letting my hands and face be the only things that show. My family is modest in all ways. Why are we so modest? You may want to ask my great grandmother for she is the one who invented to stupid tradition.

I run my hand over the leather seats of the carriage. My mother and father sit together across from me. We hit a rock and the carriage goes bump. The carriage stops and someone opens the door for me.

“Thank you.” I say under my breath. Only the richest kings and queens are allowed at the wedding, so I am surrounded by gifts of gold and silver. Every one fills into the chapel, leaving me and my father outside the doors. My father is the king; he can have someone excited with a wave of his hand. How do I know? I have seen him do it before.

“Chin up!” He says. At first I think he is asking me to not be so glum but then I realize he means it as a command. I do as he says and raise my chin, right as the doors open.

Rows of kings and queens are lined up along the side of the aisles. I step onto they rug which marks the straight line down the chapel that is the aisle. The chatter I heard is gone; it’s replaced by a deathly silence. Music fills the air as I take another step, a mixture of harps, flutes and pianos. I put on my best face, to mask my worry, even though no one can see me through the veil. Through the veil I can make out the shape of a plump man, as I come closer I see that he stands in a to-be husbands spot in front of the altar. He is my husband. When we reach the stage like platform my father drops my arm and goes to the right of the altar, along with my mother. The plump man is about the same age as I am. We say our vows. I can hear a hint of nervousness in his tone. He may as well be as afraid as I am. I lift up my veil slowly, savoring the last seconds I have as an independent woman, because after we kiss, we are bonded forever. I stare at him my veil gone. His green eyes stare back at me. He doesn’t lean in for the kiss, instead he starts to panic. I know I am not the most beautiful flower but I am still a flower.

Then I hear it. Gunfire mixed with screams of woman and men alike. The door to the chapel bursts open. Several men in ragged clothing stand in the entrance.The smell of smoke replaces the smell of red roses. My mother’s face is as pale as snow. My father’s face is red with rage, “How dare you enter this holy place during a wedding!’ he yells.

Multiple sounds of gun fire ring in my ears. Kings and queens lie dead on the floor, red blood escaping from their mortal wounds. Anyone who survived has backed up against the wall. My white dress is stained with my was-to-be husband’s blood. Two men grab my arms. I thrash and scream but they keep a rigid grip on me. They drag me outside. The buildings are burning, and people lie dead on the dirt streets. They take me to the docks. I have only been to the docks once. When I was a small child I happened to stumble into it. A man there showed me how to fish too. When I came back to mother with the fish I had caught it enraged her. She told me that fishing was too dirty of a sport for a princess. This time, Instead of fish I see a ship. Her sails remind me of dirtied white sheets. At the very top, a flag with a skull and bones on it flies. This is no regular ship like the ones I use to travel on, no, this is a pirate ship.


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Sun Jun 28, 2015 9:20 pm
Lael wrote a review...



Interesting! :)

You accidentally put a comma at the end of the last sentence of your first paragraph.

"I should have known mother would make Mrs. Mary pull them out of my hair, it represents the silliness of a child, and I am no child, I am only fifteen though. But my mother says I am practically an adult." These sentences could be worded a little better. Maybe like this: "I should have know Mother would make Mrs. Mary pull them out of my hair. They represent the silliness of childhood. Though I am no child, I am only fifteen. Despite this, my mother says I am practically an adult."

Also this: "After all the flowers are picked out of my hair and burned in the fire place, my mother orders Mrs. Mary the get me dressed in my gown, it is my wedding day after all." You should make everything after the second comma a new sentence. It will flow more smoothly. And you accidentally typed "the" instead of "to" for the "dressed in my gown" part.

"We are not allowed to see each other until the wedding day, it’s a tradition I am not very fond of." This could be worded like "We are not allowed to see each other until the wedding day, due to a tradition I am not very fond of."

"When Mrs. Mary is done with the corset or the torcher machine as I call it she helps me into my white dress for the wedding." "Torcher"? Do you mean "torture"? Also, you should add dashes between "corset" and "or" and then "it" and "she" to make it run more smoothly. Like this: "When Mrs. Mary is done with the corset--or the torture machine, as I call it--she helps me into my white wedding dress."

A unique story. ;) It would be nice to read a sequel to this. Keep it up! :)




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Sun Nov 30, 2014 9:26 pm
rissymay wrote a review...



hello... i have read your wonderful little story, and I shall now review it...

I really like the beginning, it gets me interested. On the topic of getting interested, good job with the title. I saw "Pirate Princess" and I was automatically interested... a good title is what pulls a reader in :)

I'm wondering how your MC feels about this all, because it's never stated and I think it should be. You can tell what a character is feeling by the actions he/she does- I think you could show what your MC is feeling through her behaviors and actions more. How does she feel about marrying a man she's never met, and how does she show it through her body language? Just something to think about.

I know I am not the most beautiful flower but I am still a flower.-- I can tell there is a meaning behind this sentence, but this sentence seems kind of strange in out there in the current situation. I'd suggest adding some other things about the symbolism of flowers to lead up to this important sentence, otherwise it's kinda random and sudden.

ooh, the end causes a lot of interest. Please don't tell me this is the end, and that there will be more after this.... XD now I'm really curious to find out what the pirates want with the princess...
Good job! I really liked this story and the idea. My last comment is that the action at the end seemed kinda rushed- don't be afraid to slow down and tell things in detail- make it suspenseful and intense >:D
So yeah... keep writing, and thanks for the read!
Happy November Review Day!
-rissymay




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Sun Nov 30, 2014 5:35 pm
Griffinkeeper wrote a review...



Grif here for your review. Let's just dive right in.

I hear a knock at my door and my mother walks in, her face red with rage,

“Get those stupid flowers out of her hair immediately!” She screams, staring me down with unforgiving eyes.


Mean mother cliche. What better way to complain about how unfair and irrational a mother is then to make her do unfair and irrational things? The problem is that it doesn't make sense; flowers are used in weddings because it enhances the beauty of the bride. The fact that these flowers are from the Royal Garden probably means that they are appropriate; if the Queen didn't like them, then why are they in the garden?

If you want to make the Queen look uncaring, have her focus on the benefits of the upcoming nuptials. If she is talking about how rich and wealthy her future son-in-law is; then the reader will infer that this wealth, and not her daughter's happiness, is the focus. Instead of having no flowers, her mom might want lots of flowers to cover up any imperfections she proceeds to point out.

Then I hear it. Gunfire mixed with screams of woman and men alike. The door to the chapel bursts open. Several men in ragged clothing stand in the entrance.The smell of smoke replaces the smell of red roses. My mother’s face is as pale as snow. My father’s face is red with rage, “How dare you enter this holy place during a wedding!’ he yells.


There is gunfire and screaming, and the King's first instinct is to yell: "How dare you?" Why doesn't he call for guards? Why doesn't he draw his own weapons? He deserved to die for the bad dialogue.

Speaking of which; where are the guards? If you have so many royal guests; then you're going to have a lot of security. Security would be more airtight than a corset. Assassinations are a definite risk when you're royalty, so you take precautions. A common one is to have a chapel in your castle. That way, some punks with pistols can't just walk in and kill everyone; they have to make a determined assault against entrenched defenders.

Putting this aside, why kill everyone there anyway? Wouldn't it be more profitable for the pirates to capture these Kings and Queens, for the purpose of ransom, instead of just gunning them down? The sense I got was that you just killed the guests was to evoke feelings of pity from the reader for the princess.

However, for us to respond with pity, the princess needs to have emotions for her guests. Her guests need to have character for us to care about them; but they had the character of a cardboard cut-out. The end result is that we don't care that all these people get killed; because we don't know any of them. They just stand there like cardboard cut-outs and die. Small wonder that, as she's being dragged towards the ship, she is reminiscing about how she learned to fish, instead of grieving for the people that just died.

My suggestion is to simplify the events that take place. From the sound of it; the important part is that the princess is captured by pirates. If that is the case, then I suggest changing the setting. Instead of setting it on land; where pirates are traditionally at a disadvantage; have the abduction take place at sea. She could be sailing to the other country to marry the prince; when her ship is taken over by pirates. Her ship may have had escorts; but a storm could have scattered the fleet.

These circumstances are much more believable than a single pirate ship overwhelming the defenses of a Kingdom.




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Sun Nov 30, 2014 4:12 pm
erilea wrote a review...



Hello!

Deep into the story, I see something that stands out. You need a comma after "corset", "machine", and "it", because this is a run-on sentence then. And, "torture" is spelled wrong, please fix that. It helps your looks of the piece.

"When Mrs. Mary is done with the corset or the torcher machine as I call it she helps me into my white dress for the wedding."

Next, I noticed this paragraph is very chopped up. I think you could connect some of these sentences with some commas, or a semicolon. It just stunned me at how cut-offy it was. You also need a comma after "legs". Instead of a comma after "in", you can make it a colon. And, lastly, put a comma after "grandmother".

"She does my hair, and my makeup. My blush for my cheeks consists of crushed rose petals. She puts a veil in front of my face. The soft satin rubs against my legs making them itch. I think I may be allergic to satin, for every time I wear it I get red bumps wherever it had decided to rest. My mid-section is locked up tight in my corset, like this room I am in, a prison for me dwell in. My satin dress has a pretty lace that covers my arms and neck, letting my hands and face be the only things that show. My family is modest in all ways. Why are we so modest? You may want to ask my great grandmother for she is the one who invented to stupid tradition."

So, "everyone" is one word. Connect the two seperate words you made, please. Many people make this mistake, but it exasperates me. "Excited", I think, should be "executed". Because "excited" is a feeling when you feel a little hopeful and happy about something coming up-not really what I think you meant.

"Every one fills into the chapel, leaving me and my father outside the doors. My father is the king; he can have someone excited with a wave of his hand."

"They", I suppose, should be "the". Put a comma after "rug".

"I step onto they rug which marks the straight line down the chapel that is the aisle."

Ooh, cliffhanger! Nice! I really am hoping for more from you. Have a great day, and keep writing!

-wisegirl22




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Sun Nov 16, 2014 1:18 am
Firelight wrote a review...



Overall, this story was amazing. It left on a cliffhanger, which I particularly enjoyed. I can't wait to see what happens next! Although, I did notice a few spelling errors. Maybe you should go back and edit a little. But other than that, it was a very exciting story. You could clearly picture the scene in your mind. The beginning sentence was a very good hook that grabbed my attention. The language and attitude is very appropriate for the time. You get a bit of an inkling of the time period without coming right out and saying it, which I liked. But, anyway, other than the few spelling and grammar errors, which I think you can fix on your own, it is a really good, well developed story. You should consider writing more about it.




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Thu Nov 13, 2014 5:35 pm
juliekate says...



Hi.
This is wonderful story. Your strong descriptions make feel like I am inside the story. I got worried like the bride and shocked by the gunshots.

I wish you would write more about what happened in the dock and pirate ship, as it would explain more about a Pirate princess, being the title.




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Thu Nov 13, 2014 3:05 pm
Shadowolf765 wrote a review...



Shadowolf here :D

Interesting story

"or the torcher machine as I call it" Torcher should be torture. As well as this being in between some parenthesizes or dashes.

"he can have someone excited with a wave" Is excited supposed to be the word used? Just a question.

Those are the only things I could find for you to edit. This is a wonderful start to a story and I do hope you continue. I must agree on Haven on one thing though, it could use a bit more too it when the scene switches from the wedding to the kidnapping. I enjoyed this story and hope you keep going :D




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Thu Nov 13, 2014 7:02 am
Lucia wrote a review...



This seems to be a prologue, and, if it is, the plot works brilliantly to create suspense. Good job! I am liking this story so far, and I think that you should definitely continue it.
You seem really young to be writing as well as this, just from my personal experience of people your age, so again, really good job!

Okay, so, the piece could use a spot of polishing up on punctuation, grammar, and spelling, but these are small fries I'm sure you can spot on your own. :)
I did notice that, sometimes, you wrote in a way that was... how should I put this... not common language? If you know what I mean? Here is an example: " and I am no child,".
So I can see what you were trying to do there, what with this being a historical piece and all, but the times when she actually speaks or thinks like that are few and far between. I think that you should make it a little more consistent, if you are going to have her talk that way at all.
I also noticed how quickly you jumped from the dressing scene to the wedding scene with little thoughts or actions in between. That is alright for a prologue, but a story needs more stuffing. :) So it all depends on whether this is a prologue or a story.

You did a really neat job on this, and I really like it! In my personal opinion, you should make this a prologue for a book, if you haven't been doing it already.
I really hope this review helps you in your writing! Keep me posted!
Cheers!





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