I find myself, against the crimson tapestries carpeting an art gallery, unchanged from the fetal position I assumed to persuade my earned sleep after a finished portrait the night before. The broad hall, which lies in front of me, had paintings travelling through every tapestry-covered wall, up to the very corners.
From the two doors at the two opposite corners, people barge in, and everyone, whether alone or in company, moves to a painting. A couple near me to observe a painting of a lady holding on dear to her hat against the upright current of the wind. The couple consists of a pale brunette woman in a fit red dress that reaches her ankles and a man in a suit, creating a strong contrast with my light blue nightshirt. And loose from the waist down, same colour trousers, they haven’t snapped nor shot at me, yet the look of I’m a trespasser, and they were the unlucky victims. Instead, I’m just a ghost to their evening connoisseur; they finish scrutinising every stroke and retreat from the painting.
After them comes a stream of people admiring the painting or other nearby works.
People gather in a huddle in the centre of the room. Must be a burden on the cleaners for the marks from the heels of the black leather shoes concentrates on the crimson carpet. You’ll imagine attendees of a prestigious museum keep their shoes clean, but you never know. In front of the tens of attendees, a man with push-back brown hair in a black suit paired with black trousers took his place behind a glass stand and a mic. The man stands tall with his chin raised; he keeps his confidence in control of the crowd, even in his posture.
‘’Ladies and gentlemen, you will be presented with a new piece. We have a new piece you will be able to bid on.’’ The man, as you could imagine, articulates each word, and the words come on command, clear and gentle, with a slight bass.
Two men carry a painting with a veil. Each man held the painting with his right hand above and with their left on the bottom frame, wrist tight on the frame, with every few steps. Afraid of the painting falling. I wouldn’t want to get fired from this job, either it seems to pay well. I’d love to wring out that painting too.
‘‘The piece is from the contemporary artist Wisley.’’
It can’t be that Wisley!
The painting is about to reach the stand. Lift the veil. Come on. Every second the speaker takes to reveal the painting drags my patience, which is annoyed by the desire to know, keeping its push on me.
‘’Now you can lift the veil. " Says the presenter to the two assistants, pointing at them with his right hand. They finally lift the veil. The painting depicts an old couple in their late 70s. The man had a shaved head. And the woman kept her hair in a straw hat. The couple my parents. So, it is the right Wisleys.
‘’ the painting was painted by the related artist. Annette Winslet sent by her. After recovering the finished painting from Andre Winsley's possession. Made in 1999. Which one of you would raise a bid? ‘’
I sob in the corner, perch upon myself. I made it.
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139,505 Literary Works • 672,592 Reviews
Hey Pinko!
First things first - I can 100% see the vision, and I think you've made a commendable effort in trying to realise it. But, you've fallen prey to some early roadblocks and mistakes. That's fine! I'm just going to quote some, and offer solutions that - I hope - will help.
The most striking issue most immediately is the opening.
A general rule of thumb is that the FIRST LINE is among the MOST IMPORTANT that you'll ever write. Your first line asks too much and is too confusing. "I found myself, against the crimson tapestries carpeting an art gallery" makes no sense, unfortunately. "I found myself against the crimson tapestries" is fine without the comma - very unorthodox, unclear imagery, but fine. Then, "carpeting an art gallery" makes no sense. A tapestry cannot carpet; "to carpet" is to cover a flat, horizontal surface. A tapestry hangs from the ceiling. Then, the sentence closes "I assumed to persuade my earned sleep after a finished portrait the night before". This makes no sense - I have no idea what you're trying to say.
The tenses here are ALLLL over the place. It's confusing and it's also a VERY common mistake. Choose ONE tense and stick to it for the whole story. Only very experienced writers can make multi-tense stories work, and that usually needs a lot of formal experimentation.
This sentence is exemplar of all your other multi-clausal sentences. I appreciate the effort, and I can tell you're really trying, but this sentence - like most of your multi-clausal sentences - is all over the place. Crafting a multi-clausal sentence is best thought of as writing how someone would speak, or think. But, before you can do that, you need to learn where to use commas, en-dashes (different to em-dashes), and how to use asides properly.
In short:
I can see the vision, I can feel - in places - the emotions, and I can see that you've got the potential. Just keep practicing!
Looking forward to reading the revisions
thank you for the feedback. i will follow the revision advice.
hi pinto, happy thursday. The deacription of your short story caught my eyes. Let's jump in.
Catapulted, perched, and fetal position, all give very different ideas as to how the protagonist finds themself. I would use clearer language as to how they find themselves here and in what position they are.
I think you mean drew or was drawn to a painting.
Ankles sounds more natural than "ankle".
This is so confusing to read First off I think putting "Im a trespasser" in quotes or italics would help to show us that it's a thought of what the protagonist is feeling they are saying.
Then, you need a period after "victims" and "connoisseur".
"Finished to scrurinize" should be finished scrutinizing, and "retract" should be retracted.
We are in first person pov, so put this in italics as a thought bubble or put an I at the beginning of the sentence.
This is clunky, especially the second sentence. Something like "we have a new piece to present, which you will be able to bid on", is smoother and clearer.
Veils are conceleants so no reason to say "concealed".
Again, we are in 1st person pov. Either put this in dialogue or italics as a thought expression.
First off while the premise is interesting, there are so many grammatical errors that it's incredibly hard to follow. We need to stay in either present or past tense. Thoughts she be expressed on new lines and in italics.
As for the story itself it's got some appeal, and the thought about the janitors.gives us some inclination as to who our main character is, but what this point is, I cant exactly say. The description seems to imply that the MC painted this and gets to enjoy.the reveal of it in their lifetime, but A. this is not.unusual for artists who can literally submit their art for museusms, and B. we don't get to see why it means so much or why the MC is in the museum since they seem shocked at the painting reveal.
Sorry if this all comes across a bit harsh, I hope it is clear and helpful feedback.
~Messy
Thank you for the feedback. and i will rework the story with you feeback thank you.
This piece had an interesting angle to it. The fact that the narrator wakes up in an art gallery creates a mysterious atmosphere right away since the reader is not sure what is going on and how the character got there. All of the observations that the narrator provides create a somewhat eerie atmosphere that suits the situation perfectly.
The revelation that the painting represents the parents of the narrator is one of the most compelling elements of the story. Until then, Wisley was just the name of the artist known to the narrator, but all of that suddenly changes, making everything personal. Moreover, the last line – “I made it” – works great since it leaves people wondering what happened to the narrator and why he or she is witnessing the auctioning of their painting.
I also liked the small details that appear in the work, such as observing clothes of the couple and wondering about cleaners. These details serve as a character creation method during a time when the narrator is figuring out what is going on.
In my opinion, the writing should become clearer since there are some instances where the reader cannot fully understand what is going on. For instance, the paragraph that describes the couple consists of several ideas that might have been broken down into shorter sentences, thus preserving the atmosphere of mystery.
All in all, this is a very interesting piece. It looks like the start of a mystery revolving around the narrator, his or her parents, and the painting. Moreover, the ending of this piece definitely makes the reader want to learn more about what happened. It is impressive how much information you managed to convey without explaining the central mystery. <333
Thank you for the feedback.