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Young Writers Society



Operation Oblivion

by Pingu


Jiro sat atop the projection in silence, smoking his cigarette and staring blankly into the sea of lights that was Orbis city. His young face was blank and expressionless, as usual, though his eyes were gleaming with anticipation. It was calm and serene were he was sitting, upon the outskirts of Orbis, the grass was emerald green and there was a thick forest just behind him. He just sat there, letting the wind flicker his shoulder length brown hair as he listened to the trees sway. Though he had a lot on his mind he still managed to find time to just sit and watch the metropolis in front of him. It was like nothing he had seen before. It was ambient, the city looked like a giant shadow bouncing off the navy night sky. Thousands and thousands of massive buildings as far as the eye could see, with street lamps like stars and huge beams of light travelling seemingly from one end of the city to the other. Jiro removed the cigarette tucked between his lips with a gloved hand and doused it out on the dew kissed grass. Though the entire city was a sight to behold, there was one building that the eye could not avoid. One gargantuan and vast structure sat in the centre of the city and it seemed to touch the heavens. Its thousands and thousands of lights looked like scales on the stomach of a serpent, though the main eye catcher was the buildings tip. A giant satellite shot out of an army of iron rods, all pointing in different directions. It made an epic finale to the already demonic looking complex.

Before Jiro could appreciate the sight any further, he heard twigs snapping in the forest. His hand, by force of habit, shot into his thin pale green coat and played with the holster of his modified handgun. His eyes thinned as he scanned the area, seeing only falling leaves and swaying grass. The tip of his finger scratched the grip of the gun, anticipating an attack.

“Chill out there hot shot, its only me..” came a feminine voice.

Jiro hung his head and sighed in annoyance. It wasn’t an enemy or a spy, he didn’t have the luck. He slowly turned his head around to catch the eye of a beautiful young woman. She stood in front of him, with both hands

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behind her back. Her shiny red hair fell over one side of her face and her big blue eyes shone playfully. She strolled over towards him casually, humming a tune.

“What do you want?” asked Jiro, his youthful tone had a tinge of irritation to it. The girl knelt down next to where he was sitting and hugged her knees.

“Just came to check up on ya!” she replied, knowing that her saying that would piss him off greatly.

“You think I need to be checked on? I’m not a child, I can take care of myself Hitomi” he said removing his hand from his jacket and placing it on the wet grass.

Hitomi cocked her head and smiled.

“What age are you again?” She asked with a mischievous grin playing across her face. Jiro’s eyes turned in another direction and he dropped his head once more looking down at his sneakers. “Seventeen..”.

“Awwwh, lil’ baby. See, that’s why I have to look after you! You might get hurt!” she teased, delighted with herself.

Jiro drew a cigarette from his coat pocket and slid it between his lips, silent in defeat while Hitomi knelt staring at him, as if she were looking through him. The flame from his brass lighter flickered in the night wind, barely igniting and sparking up the well rolled cigarette protruding from his mouth. He took one drag before looking back at Hitomi, who was still inspecting him with her eyes squinted.

“Is there something you want? or can you please go away?” He snorted,

brushing his hair away from his face and blowing smoke from the corner of his mouth. Hitomi rolled her eyes and sighed.

“I just wanted to know if you were alright. Tonight isn’t exactly going to be pretty...” she sighed, before turning her head towards the city lights. Jiro didn’t bother trying to reassure her, he also knew it wasn’t going to be a walk in the park. He also wasn’t very good at relaxing people, optimism

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was not his forte. Instead he just smoked his cigarette and joined Hitomi in staring aimlessly at the behemoth that was the city of Orbis, capital of Vjorbis. The city was so thick that you couldn’t see anything past it, as if it spanned all the way to the end of Sarial. The flickering lights from the buildings afar provided some kind of idea as to how far the city actually went, though dimmer lights behind them almost insulted you for your weak estimation.

“Jiro?”

“What now?”

“What are you going to do when this is all over?” she asked nosily. Jiro took a minute to consider her question, he had never really thought about it. He wasn’t much for thinking ahead.

“I don’t know. How do you know it will end tonight? or if it will end in our favour?” He replied, oblivious to how negative he sounded. Hitomi shook her head slowly leaving his question unanswered. The breeze blew her hair over her face, hiding her saddened eyes. She turned her head away from the city and smiled at Jiro.

“You shouldn’t be smoking those ya know. Its really bad for your health” she informed, changing the subject completely. At hearing this challenge, Jiro immediately took a drag from his cigarette in defiance.

“You act like my mother sometimes. You are only two years older than me.” He retorted.

Hitomi grinned, before carefully swiping the cigarette from him and taking a drag for herself. Jiro looked on in shock, wondering if he should ask for it back or just act cool and uncaring. She wiggled her freckled nose and winked at him, before flicking the cigarette off the edge of the hill and standing back up to stretch her legs.

“I hope Tatsu is doing alright. Without him this whole thing could blow right back in our faces. I mean, level with me here, you’re a rookie and I have never done anything like this before, ever!” She said, putting her

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hands behind her head and balancing on her heels. Jiro looked up at her with a frown on his face, clearly displeased at her referring to him as a “rookie”.

“Tatsu will be okay, and as for me being a ‘rookie’, I’m the one with a gun here. You couldn’t be trusted with a weapon, you’d probably try and scratch your nose with an assault rifle with the safety off” he spat with a half smile on his face.

“Was that a joke? A hint of humour from Mr. teenage angst?” she said in mock surprise. Hitomi knelt back down next to Jiro and ensnared him in a hug, pushing his head against her chest.

“Awwwh, all grown up! look at you! who’s a big boy?” She teased him, swaying back and forth still holding him in the embrace. Jiro pushed her away and she fell back on her side, still grinning she began to giggle uncontrollably. Jiro didn’t see the hilarity in it and returned to his original position.

“Fuck you..” he sighed.

Hitomi’s giggle fit continued and Jiro’s unimpressed expression was slowly turning to one of irritation. But before Jiro could finish imagining pushing Hitomi off the edge of the cliff, two rounded beams of light illuminated the scene with a click. A green minivan with its lights turned on full drove towards them, then reversed and parked so that the side of the vehicle was facing them. Hitomi’s fit ceased and her face suddenly became serious, she sat up and coughed out of embarrassment. The door of the van clicked open and a booted foot stepped out, Jiro got to his feet and stood to attention and Hitomi mimicked him almost immediately. From out of the vehicle, stood a man built like a weight lifter. He was tall and had a shaved head, revealing white scars on his scalp and on his eyebrow. He looked about 30, maybe older. He wore camouflage pants and a green sleeveless shirt, his arms riddled with tattoos. He looked Hitomi and Jiro up and down with his stern, unsmiling face.

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“I got the transport..” The man smiled, shaking a pair of car keys. Hitomi relaxed her stance and yawned.

“How did you get it Tatsu?” she asked.

“I eh, borrowed it from an uncle..” he replied.

“You mean you stole it?”

“Basically...”

“I thought we were supposed to keep our heads down!” Hitomi scolded. Tatsu screwed his face up and bent his wrists.

“Well sorry for going against your wishes. Maybe I should have asked this stranger for his van first and told him I’d give it back later!” He laughed.

Hitomi put her hands on her hips and shot her head down, this act of grand theft auto doing absolutely nothing to calm her nerves. Jiro just stared sternly at Tatsu, as if he were about to ask a question.

“So, are we ready for the briefing or do you two want to continue exploring the realms of teenage sexuality?” Tatsu smiled, returning Jiro’s stern expression with a light hearted grin.

“Gather round troops, I’ll fill you in on good ol’ captain Kaijo’s orders for tonight.” He gestured for Jiro and Hitomi to come closer. Tatsu eyes shone like a proud father as they approached him.

“So this will be the first time either of you have done any REAL work for the U.A.O.S, a pretty big deal. This isn’t like working at the headquarters or scoping out Tower corp from a computer. This is real battle, or at least being on a battle field.” Tatsu’s voice suddenly became very sober. His eyes darted from Jiro to Hitomi, making sure both of them were listening carefully.

“By Kaijo’s orders, we are to be team G, in order of relevance to this mission. Team A are to infiltrate the Tower corp main complex, as in that big mother fucker right behind you” Tatsu pointed forward and identified the mammoth building in the centre of the city as Tower corporations

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headquarters, Hitomi immediately looked over to Jiro expecting to exchange a look a puzzlement with him, but he stood still and silent.

“Now, Team A are to carry out a search and destroy mission on entry. They will be blowing that place to bits, these guys and gals are the best in the business, so they should do some damage. Getting in is going to be a bitch but that’s Team B’s problem for now. To put it short, if all goes to plan the entire building will be in smithereens and the main branch of Tower corporation AND its entire board of management will be dead.”

“..and what about us?” asked Jiro, his vacant tone matching his expression. Tatsu, with his trademark grin, put his hand on Jiro’s shoulder.

“We have two things to do, both with its own scenario. I’ll get to that now. Scenario one, the original idea. We drive around the building, scoping out the scene, giving Teams A, B and C cover. Now, if Team A should fail their mission at any point, we will be notified via radio to go on in and just do as much damage as we can, if we cant destroy the whole building, we can at least send a message to them.” He said as if he were miming the words of Keijo himself. Tatsu lifted his hand from Jiro’s shoulder and rested it in his pants pocket.

“Basically this is going to be a suicide mission guys, live it up while you can!” Tatsu spoke jokingly, chuckling as Hitomi went pale as the moon. Jiro’s expression stayed the same, as though he were oblivious as to what Tatsu had just told him. This made Tatsu feel uneasy, he may have been a terrorist, but he couldn’t understand why one so young had such a lack of self importance. He stroked the stubble on his wrinkled face and looked down at the ground.

“You guys take a break. I’m going to get on the phone to our informer. The guy is paranoid as fuck! Hiding in a bathroom stall in some restaurant in the city! Waiting for us to collect him!” Tatsu laughed nervously, still clearly troubled by Jiro’s display of apathy for life. He then winked at the young Hitomi and strolled back to the vehicle to take care of business. As

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the door of the van clicked shut, Hitomi immediately relaxed herself once more and began fiddling with her plaid skirt, trying to avoid a still and awkward silence with Jiro, who was now flipping his brass lighter sporadically. Though she was trying to keep herself as composed as possible, meeting Jiro’s eyes was as unnerving as having a gun cocked to the back of your head.

“Well, that was a very brief briefing eh?” snickered Hitomi, breaking the terrible silence. Jiro didn’t care to answer her, though he nodded in agreement. Hitomi, still desperate to break through Jiro’s evident defensive shell, play punched him in the arm and smiled.

“So Jiro, we have known each other since this morning at HQ! Its our twelve hour anniversary!” she said with a friendly arm around the shoulder. “Tell me about yourself!”.

Jiro turned his head to hers, their noses almost meeting, and squinted his eyes in a perplexed fashion.

“What could you possibly gain from knowing anything about me or what I do” he said removing her arm from around him and leaning up against the vans tinted window.

“I just want to get to know the guy that I’m probably going to be fighting alongside tonight! Why are you so callous!?” She argued, now vexed by him. The wind played with Jiro’s hair, hiding the satisfaction on his face.

“Okay, how about this. I will tell you something about me. If you tell me why a helpless little girl like you is in leagues with a paramilitary group like the one we are working with right now?” He asked. Hitomi looked taken back, her eyes widened with disbelief.

“Helpless little girl!?”

“Are you going to answer my question or not?”

“Fine!”

Hitomi groaned and tilted her head. She paused for a moment and locked eyes with Jiro who looked pleased with himself thinking he had put Hitomi

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in her place. Seeing that there was no let up in the stare down, Hitomi sighed.

“I have known Kaijo all my life. My father was a member of the U.A.O.S way back when. He would often visit us, usually just looking for my father to give him a new contract, but none the less he always looked out for him.” Hitomi’s vexed expression turned to a reminiscent smile.

“When my father died, Kaijo would send me and my mother money and looked out for us. He must have felt to blame for my dad’s death, but he was always so generous and caring. He didn’t have to do all that, my dad was under contract and it was all business, but still Kaijo made sure we were okay.”

“So Kaijo cashed in on your loyalty then?” interrupted Jiro.

“No! it was nothing like that! let me finish!” she retorted hastily.

“Eventually we lost contact with Kaijo, we never complained, he had done everything in his power to make sure we were looked after. After my mother passed away I travelled up to Fijjus to go to a college there, I studied media and wanted to become a journalist.”

Jiro looked almost bored by what he thought was going to be her “life story”, though he continued to listen without complaint.

“Anyway, after staying there for four months I started to settle in. Though I was struggling, I had all the qualifications, but my families history in the U.A.O.S was evident and nobody wanted to employ a young ‘terrorist’ girl. Then one day Kaijo showed up at the school, recruiting people to join up to the U.A.O.S. I was really happy to see him, it was the first time I had spoken to him in four years. I told him about my struggle with getting accepted into an office. He told me that if I went with him, he would put me on the pay roll and give me a desk job at the U.A.O.S, digging up information on Tower corporation and stuff on the Xesmantic conspiracies in Vendansil.”

“So what you are saying is, he duped you into joining?” Jiro interrupted rudely once again.

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“You don’t get it! I wanted to help! So I joined up. I was your age and was doing research up until tonight. Kaijo doesn’t even know I’m here right now. Tatsu knew I wanted to do this because I’ve been training with him since, without Kaijo’s knowledge of course.”

Hitomi looked content with herself, she folded her arms.

“Now, your turn hot shot” she grinned.

Jiro tilted his head back against the van window and stared up at the stars that hung from the night sky. He considered ignoring Hitomi and going against his word, but for some reason unknown to him, his mouth opened and he began to speak. Still staring into the sky.

“I joined for one reason Hitomi, and its not to save anyone.” He spoke in an uncharacteristically soft tone. His eyes still pointed at the stars, this made Hitomi question if he were paying attention to her at all.

“Have you ever thought of what you are protecting? the democracy you are fighting to maintain? or are you naive enough to believe that these people will make the right decision when the time comes for change”. Hitomi crinkled her nose to Jiro’s last sentence. “What do you mean?” She asked.

“The U.A.S are dying to retain democracy for Sarial, taking on the big bad Tower Corporation who are conspiring to take seats in the government and rule with an iron fist. but ask yourself? even if they did take over, would it be such a bad thing? The people of Sarial are idiots, they will be their own downfall. So are they really worth protecting?” Jiro’s soft tone now becoming more of a rant. Hitomi wore a snubbed expression on her face, she went to speak but couldn’t find the words.

“Of course they are! they don’t know anything about Towers plans!” She stuttered , gripping the side of her plaid skirt like a stress reliever. “What if Tower took over and the freedom of speech was lost?”.

Jiro removed his himself from the stars and looked Hitomi right in the eye. His expression said everything, but still he continued.

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“I wouldn’t care” he spoke, with venom on his tongue. He folded his arms and continued his stare down of Hitomi, who looked as though she had just encountered a serial rapist. Her lip quivered. She had never heard such apathy in her entire life and it frightened her.

“Then why do you fight?” she responded in disbelief, her lip still shaking. There was a terrible silence and time seemed to cease. Jiro had just offended Hitomi like she had never been before, and he had done it in such a calm and natural manner. Moments ago there was a light hearted feeling in the air, but now it had been killed and it only seemed to affect Hitomi, as Jiro just leaned on the van as relaxed as he could be at a time such as this.

“Why do you fight!?” She echoed irately, her open hands turning to fists. Though almost poetically, before Jiro could reply, the van door swung open and Tatsu’s hairless head peeped out from inside. He raised and eyebrow to both of them and wore a comical expression of exaggurated surprise on his face which matched his tone of voice.

“Sorry kids, did I interrupt something?” He mock whispered . Hitomi took one look at Jiro and turned her head.

“No” she replied, “are we ready to go?”

“We are indeed carrot top! just hop on in!” Tatsu smiled clicking open the passenger seat.

“It’s time to kick some ass kids! do me proud!”.

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Sat Jun 28, 2008 12:16 am
sokool15 wrote a review...



I agree...don't post character summaries! In a well-written book we should be able to tell one character from another by the writing itself. It's kind of like posting a picture of your character instead of working a description into the story...lazy.

I also agree - take out the page numbers. It's confusing, especially when it breaks up the sentence. But that's just formatting for this particular website.

As for the rest...it's been covered pretty thoroughly by the other critiquers. Do what they said and you'll be awesome. :P

Au revoir
MademoiselleKool 8)




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Fri Jun 27, 2008 3:00 am
Clo says...



Whoa! Jiro does remind me of Cloud. High-five for everyone, FF7 is my one true love. :D

Anyway... I don't recommend posting character summaries. I think your characters should be able to be understood simply by the reader reading through your story.




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Thu Jun 26, 2008 11:23 pm
GryphonFledgling wrote a review...



A couple of technical nitpicks before your story:

- This should probably be rated 'R' for use of the f-bomb. The ratings are there for a reason and they are a big help, especially for this, a site for young writers. I'm okay with the swearing, but I like to have a bit of a warning beforehand...

- The "page numbers" that are scattered in there are a little distracting, since they split up sentences and paragraphs. They help out on paper, but here in the scroll-down web format, there is no need.

And on to your story!

Tatra's pretty much covered all the grammatical iffyness, so I'll skip right to the fun stuff.

Your characters were interesting, but I was a little confused by Hitomi. She seemed to be acting a little immature to be (as it appears to me thus far) a more senior member of the party (she's at least known about it for a long time). Maybe she could buckle down and do what needs to be done, but as of right now, she seems a bit flighty. But that's just based on this chapter. That impression may change as the story progresses, but it is important to remember in your writing that first impressions are lasting impressions. Unless you want the betrayal shock as the love interest turns out to be the eeeeevil villain out to conquer the world (hypothetical example, obviously) it is best to set the character up as what they are going to be the rest of the story.

I agree with MidnightGladius: Jiro reminds me a bit of Cloud. It's just the angsting super operative, methinks. Or that I just watched the movie. But the resemblance is not a bad thing.

Anyway, this seemed like it is going to be interesting! Would you PM when you post the next part? I'd like to see where this thing goes!

*thumbs up*

~GryphonFledgling




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Thu Jun 26, 2008 10:11 pm
Pingu says...



Maybe I should have posted up the Character summaries first. As for the questions relating to Tatsu. He was fighting at their age, his personality contrasts with his appearance and his is rather "dim" to say the least, though experienced.

The U.A.O.S is "the Unofficial Army of Sarial" basically a paramilitary group with a healthy mixture of young and old. Like the I.R.A used to be here in Ireland.




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Thu Jun 26, 2008 9:54 pm
Pingu says...



Thank you for your feedback. Thank you Tatra for those corrections! I'll be sure to work on that! As for some of Midnightgladius' comments. I'll try and clear this up.

It is not set in the future. Rather an entire different world altogether. No "Flying vehicles" or "teleportation devices".

I may not have made it clear enough before, but Orbis is part metropolitan and part Industrial. So I see nothing wrong with having a forest on a hill in its outskirts. Like I said, its not based in the future. Rather the present of Sarial. It isn't a highly advanced city.

As for the incongruity. Thats my style I suppose. You still know what they are doing and how they are doing it. If I spent too much time on realism it wouldn't be fantasy, the way I see it.

As for the situation between the three. Which will be revealed later. Tatsu has known Hitomi for years. He has known Jiro for about a week. Jiro and Hitomi only meet that morning.

Tatsu's late breifing...again...will be explained.

THanks for everyones feedback anyway! I will try and avoid Info-dumping and sentance running.lol

CHEERS! :D:D:D:D




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Thu Jun 26, 2008 9:09 pm
Tatra wrote a review...



I'm afraid I'm going to have to give you another warning, but it's easy enough to correct. This story should be rated with an R, because of F-word. Just click the edit button, and you should be able to fix the rating. :D

The story is interesting, though, it really reminds me of an anime with the way the characters are described. I like the terrorist plot, and your mix of characters who are the terrorists. :D Very fun.

The way you have this formatted is a bit hard to read, with the page numbers inserted every few paragraphs. While in an actual book we don't notice the page numbers, it's very easy to get distracted by page numbers when your scrolling down a website. So, could you please go through and fix up all the page numbers? It would be a lot easier to read. :D

But, I love the title. The title is what drew me into the story, what made me click and read it. :D

Jiro sat atop the projection in silence, smoking a [s]his[/s] cigarette and staring blankly into the sea of lights that was Orbis city. His [s]young[/s] face was blank and expressionless, [s]as usual,[/s] though his eyes [s]were[/s] gleamed with anticipation. First paragraph split. Since he smokes more than one cigarette, and he's the only one really smoking, 'his' can become 'a.' Then, we'll find out he's young in a minute and, really, having a young face doesn't quite mean that you are young. Also, we don't know what's usual for him, so I really don't think you need to tell us that. We'll see soon enough. Then, for a second I thought you were writing in present tense, and you aren't. So, the last sentence is better in the active voice.

It was calm and serene were he was sitting upon the outskirts of Orbis, the grass was emerald green and there was a thick forest just behind him. He just sat there, letting the wind flicker his shoulder length [s]brown[/s] hair [s]as he listened[/s] and listening to the trees sway. Second paragraph split. The first sentence sounded a lot better without the comma, although it's also on the verge of being a run-on sentence. So, you might want to look at it, and see if you can split it up into two or more sentences. I deleted the brown because that part could sound like an info-dump. Let your information trickle through slowly. Then, I changed the next part to match the first part. Otherwise, you could delete the 'just sat there' part, and say something like :He let the wind play with his hair as he listened...'

Though he had a lot on his mind, he still managed to find time to just sit and watch the metropolis in front of him. It was like nothing he had seen before. It was ambient, the city looked like a giant shadow bouncing off the navy night sky. Thousands and thousands of massive buildings as far as the eye could see; with street lamps like stars and huge beams of light traveling [s]seemingly[/s] from one end of the city to the other. Third paragraph split. Commas added, misspellings fixed, and semicolon added. I'm also not quite sure if watching the city really fits his character, but you would know more than I would. Also, I'm not sure what the second underline is really saying, and if it's really needed. I think the description stands up well enough on its own. But, that part got a bit wordy, so I took out a word.

Jiro removed the cigarette tucked between his lips with a gloved hand and doused it out on the dew kissed grass. Though the entire city was a sight to behold, there was one building that the eye could not avoid. One gargantuan and vast structure sat in the centre of the city, [s]and it seemed[/s] seeming to touch the heavens. Its thousands and thousands of lights looked like scales on the stomach of a serpent, though the main eye catcher was the building's tip. A giant satellite shot out of an army of iron rods, all pointing in different directions. It made an epic finale to the already demonic looking complex. Fourth paragraph split. First, watch the purple prose, it could come back and bite you. Also, make sure of those two adjectives aren't too closely related. Apostrophe added.

This paragraph is a bit hard to read, especially as it's all descriptions of the city. Breaking it up will draw the readers into the story better, as they'll be able to make sense of the great descriptions. Since I was breaking it up into different paragraphs, I added the comments to the quote so that you could see what I was talking about.

His hand, by force of habit, shot into his thin pale green coat and played with the holster of his modified handgun.

If it's a force of habit, shouldn't he be gripping the handgun, ready to use it?

His eyes [s]thinned[/s] narrowed as he scanned the area, seeing only falling leaves and swaying grass. The tip of his finger scratched the grip of the gun, anticipating an attack.

Narrowed is a better word for what you're trying to convey, I think. Then, I'm not sure if you really want him to be scratching the gun with his finger tip, even if you don't specify which finder is doing this. I would think, as I haven't learned how to use a gun, that one would want to keep their hands steady, maybe with a finger on the trigger and some other hold on the safety? Or, maybe the safety is turned off (which might not be the word for it...) as he hears the person off in the woods. Even if you have modified the gun, which could be really cool depending on what it does, make sure that you know how it's different than a regular gun.

“Chill out there, hot shot, its only me..” came a feminine voice.

Comma, and I'm also unsure if that's in the correct tense or not... Also, don't forget about his gun!

“What do you want?” asked Jiro, his youthful tone had a tinge of irritation to it.

I agree with the correction that Clograbby suggested, and I also think that you should take out the 'youthful' again. Since you do go over his age later on.

“Just came to check up on ya!” she replied, knowing that [s]her[/s] saying that would piss him off [s]greatly[/s].

I don't think you need those two words.

I’m not a child, I can take care of myself, Hitomi,

Comma, and ending punctuation.

“What age are you again?” She asked with a mischievous grin playing across her face. Jiro’s eyes turned in another direction and he dropped his head once more looking down at his sneakers. “Seventeen..”.

New paragraphs for new speakers. Also, I'm not sure how bashful Jiro would be about his age, especially with how apathetic he turns out to be later in the chapter. You might want to look over how he's acting, and see if you can find a consistent manner for him.

“Awwwh, lil’ baby. See, that’s why I have to look after you! You might get hurt!” she teased, delighted with herself.

I don't think that you need quite so many exclamation marks for ending punctuation, and I also don't think you need the underlined part. Snoink wrote a great article on dialogue grammar: here

Jiro drew another cigarette from his coat pocket and slid it between his lips, silent in defeat while Hitomi knelt staring at him, as if she were looking through him.

The bold word is just a nitpick, as he already smoked one cigarette. Then, this sentence is a bit of a run-on, if you split it up it might make more sense.

“Is there something you want? Or, could [s]can[/s] you please go away?” He snorted, brushing his hair away from his face and blowing smoke from the corner of his mouth. Hitomi rolled her eyes and sighed.

Sentence makes more sense that way, just reads better.

Instead he just smoked his cigarette and joined Hitomi in staring aimlessly at the behemoth that was the city of Orbis, capital of Vjorbis.

You've kind of already described the city, right now this seems like a bit of an info-dump. Maybe save this description, and use it later on in the story?

What are you going to do when this is all over?” she asked nosily.

I'm not too fond of 'nosily' at the end of this sentence. You might find a better way of showing this, instead of telling. Or, let the sentence stand on its own.

Hitomi shook her head, slowly leaving his question unanswered.

Comma. Although, I'd also be aware of how many times you use 'ing' verbs.

Jiro looked on in shock, wondering if he should ask for it back or just act cool and uncaring.

This part doesn't seem to fit. I mean, if he's smoking, why is he surprised that some one two years older than him is smoking? And, if it's her character, also keep in mind that she's a terrorist, like he is.

She wiggled her freckled nose and winked at him, before flicking the cigarette off the edge of the hill and standing back up to stretch her legs.

A bit of a run-on.

Jiro looked up at her with a frown on his face, clearly displeased at her referring to him as a “rookie”.

Of course, she also just called herself a rookie...

Hitomi knelt back down next to Jiro and ensnared him in a hug, pushing his head against her chest.

Snicker, I like this part. This is the part that reminded me of anime, maybe FLCL. (Fooly Cooly seems to fit...)

Jiro pushed her away and she fell back on her side, still grinning she began to giggle uncontrollably.

Shorter sentences to clarify actions, please.

two rounded beams of light illuminated the scene with a click.

Why is the van clicking? Or, why was it driving without its lights, and only now decided to turn on its lights?

A green minivan, with its lights turned on full, drove towards them. It then reversed and parked so that the side of the vehicle was facing them.

Commas for the appositive, and then broke the sentence up. Also, start a new paragraph after that.

From out of the vehicle, stood a man built like a weight lifter. He was tall and had a shaved head, revealing white scars on his scalp and on his eyebrow. He looked about 30, maybe older. He wore camouflage pants and a green sleeveless shirt, his arms riddled with tattoos. He looked Hitomi and Jiro up and down with his stern, unsmiling face.

Watch the info-dump. Also, the gruffness of him makes his 'proud smiles' and teasing seem a bit out of character, so you might want to watch that.

“How did you get it, Tatsu?” she asked.

Comma.

Tatsu screwed his face up and bent his wrists.

Bit of confusing action. Also, we do kind of think that Tatsu's in charge, and not Hitomi. See what I meant about the gruffness?

“So this will be the first time either of you have done any REAL work for the U.A.O.S, a pretty big deal.

One, I don't like all caps for emphasis, there are better ways of doing so. Then, what does the abbreviation mean?

Tatsu pointed forward and identified the mammoth building in the centre of the city as Tower corporations headquarters, Hitomi immediately looked over to Jiro expecting to exchange a look a puzzlement with him, but he stood still and silent.

Run on sentence.

Now, if Team A should fail their mission at any point, we will be notified via radio to go on in and just do as much damage as we can, if we cant destroy the whole building, we can at least send a message to them.”

Run on sentence.

“Basically this is going to be a suicide mission guys, live it up while you can!” Tatsu spoke jokingly, chuckling as Hitomi went pale as the moon.

Why on earth is he joking about sending a 17 year old and a 19 year old out on a suicide mission? Why is he even letting these kids go on this mission, and why is his boss letting these kids go?

This made Tatsu feel uneasy, he may have been a terrorist, but he couldn’t understand why one so young had such a lack of self importance.

Shouldn't he be used to Jiro by now? And why is Jiro suddenly as flat as cardboard? Where are his emotions?

Though she was trying to keep herself as composed as possible, meeting Jiro’s eyes was as unnerving as having a gun cocked to the back of your head.

Watch the brief foray into second person. Maybe: ...one's head. Also, watch the run on sentences in this area.

“So Jiro, we have known each other since this morning at HQ! Its our twelve hour anniversary!

Two things about them only knowing each other for twelve hours. Would they really send in people who've only known one another for that short of time? I know they are terrorists, but that's even more of a reason they would want to trust the people at their backs. Second, they really do act as though they've known each other for a while, all three of them. The proud looks in Tatsu's eyes, the worry he and Hitomi feel for Jiro, and Hitomi's lack of formality really don't make sense if they've only known each other for a short time.

“I have known Kaijo all my life. My father was a member of the U.A.O.S way back when. He would often visit us, usually just looking for my father to give him a new contract, but none the less he always looked out for him.”

This kind of reads as a bit of an info-dump. At the very least, it's a bit random where it is.

“Have you ever thought of what you are protecting? the democracy you are fighting to maintain? or are you naive enough to believe that these people will make the right decision when the time comes for change”. Hitomi crinkled her nose to Jiro’s last sentence. “What do you mean?” She asked.

New paragraphs for new speakers, I thought this was Hitomi ranting to Jiro.

I would like it if you would connect the reader to Jiro more, show us why we're following after him. Show us why Jiro is the protagonist, and why he is the way he is.

All in all, it's a great start of what seems to be an interesting novel. I like the glimpses of the broken world, and also the fact that we don't really know how it is broken. We see the terrorist's point of view, or even just the 17 year old's point of view, about how bad the world is. I like that the protagonist is young, although you might want to watch that he doesn't seem older than he is, as that will lend to a greater adventure.

PM me if you have questions about this review, and good luck with your writing!




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Thu Jun 26, 2008 8:41 pm
MidnightGladius wrote a review...



Clograbby has already made several good points, and I'll expand on a few broader questions and comments. This will ramble a bit, and it'll probably end as a slightly collected stream-of-consciousness.

-----

A neo-metropolitan city bordering a forest... Hmm, seems like that could invite logistical problems. Looks like a government building to me. Only they'd be able to reasonably afford something so majestic. Militaristic, too.

Jiro and Hitomi seem to have an odd relationship to one another. They obviously know and are familiar with each other. Co-conspirators? Fellow terrorists? Disgruntled relatives? Guess not. They're discussing an operation, but the scale is worrying me. Jiro hasn't mentioned coordinating anything, and it's just the two of them in the scene so far. Hmm.

...So...incongruous. The tone is rather odd, swinging from tired and morose to a kind of quirky slant. Tatsu's appearance seems at odds with my perspective of the plot - if you're trying a covert operation, you don't make it obvious and you cut down on the number of traceable connections. Stealing a minivan? (Minivan? Contemporary technology, then, or near future)

Alright, so now there's mention of a greater organization, meaning that at least 30-40 people are involved (>7 teams, 3-4 each, plus command and control)... but there's no communication thus far from headquarters, or the other teams... how are they coordinating? How are they timing? Why is Tatsu going over the details just now? For something of this magnitude, everyone should know exactly what to do, and the last thing you do right before an op is talk about it. Bad for the nerves.

So Jiro is just 12 hours into the entire outfit. Wow. My interpretation of him has shifted to a rather cold but highly skilled mercenary - Cloud from FF7, with his seeming apathy.

Listening to Hitomi's story - I wouldn't want Kaijo running any of my operations - he doesn't even know she's there? That would mean that Group G would have consisted of all of two people, one of them a merc. Strange proportioning.

So the Tower's an oligarchical structure attempting to bring down a democratic government, with the people too ignorant of the situation to do much about it. Seems a bit familiar, and sensible enough. In that case, why don't the extremist left-wingers provide them with more formal support (unless they already are), and why isn't Tower doing more to suppress their activity? If the UAS (or UAOS, you use both) has been fighting the Tower for some years now, how can its leader have enough security to recruit on college campuses? At least the tone is more fitting, now.

Time to see how this operation proceeds. Looking forward to an utter fiasco :). As to Jiro's motivations, it's either money (or some other materialistic compensation) or personal revenge against something or other. He seems pretty aware politically - wonder about his past.

-----

Hope that helped :) I'll be waiting for the next submission.




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Thu Jun 26, 2008 7:01 pm
Pingu says...



Okay! No problem! I'll be sure to review more! I had been reading a few in the sci-fi section and had given a small review, but I'll make sure to add more quantity from now on. Thank you for your help!

I will also make the posts shorter and put use the spaces!




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Thu Jun 26, 2008 6:51 pm
Clo wrote a review...



Yay, here we go! *hugs*

Three major things:

1. RULES: According to the rules of this site, you need to review at least two pieces before you post your own writing. You already have 23 posts, and I know most of them aren't you posting pieces, but you still need to get reviewing other people's work. It's polite, AND it also helps you out greatly with your own work. :wink: So please, please do this so you can keep posting your writing and being reviewed yourself.

2. This is WAY long. It's perfectly okay for stories to be long. Just not posts. It just deters people from reviewing things, and I know reviews is the whole point of posting pieces, so just trying splitting up this into two posts for example to allow for readers to relax and read it. There ARE a lot of other things to read on this site, remember, and it's a lot easier when they're broken down into shorter segments!

3. Put spaces between EACH paragraph. As you see me doing here, in this post. It's easier on the eyes.

Okay, onto the reviewing... :D

It was calm and serene were he was sitting, upon the outskirts of Orbis, the grass was emerald green and there was a thick forest just behind him

"upon" sort of disrupts the flow of the sentence, and I think an "in" or something of the sort would suffice here. Also, were = where. AND... this paragraph should be split into several smaller paragraphs. Right now it's a big information block. It would read better if it was several paragraphs instead of one.

Its thousands and thousands of lights looked like scales on the stomach of a serpent, though the main eye catcher was the buildings tip

Lovely description of this place. :o

“What do you want?” asked Jiro, his youthful tone had a tinge of irritation to it.

This should be split into two sentences, or get rid of the "had". Example: "asked Jiro. His youthful tone had a tinge of irritation..." OR "asked Jiro, his youthful tone containing a tinge of irritation to it".

“Is there something you want? or can you please go away?” He
snorted

"Or" needs to be capitalized, as it IS the beginning of a new sentence. Also, "He" should not be capitalized, because it is not a pronoun and words after dialogue that are not pronouns remain in smaller case.

“Awwwh, all grown up! look at you! who’s a big boy?” She teased him

Same goes for this sentence, and several others.

And generally you make these little mistakes throughout the piece. Easy fixing, though! :D

Nitpicking aside, you write very good dialogue. It's not awkward and is fun and nice to read. The story has a good pace to it too, and the way you have it set up makes one wonder what's going to happen/whats's going on at all. Which encourages further reading.

One other nitpick though: this seems more of science fiction piece than a fantasy piece. Maybe fantasy comes into play, and then you can disregard this.

Okay! Overall, very nice writing. I just hope you heed my Three Major Points, and then one day post more. :wink:





Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
— Mark Twain