I closed my locker, and looked to my left. Not too far downt he hallway stood the girl that had snagged my eye a year before. I took a deep breath, picked up my things, checked my pocket, and then walked up to her.
"Hey Sydney," I said with a smile. She turned around while closing her locker and smiled back at me warmly.
"Hi Ben." I pasued for a moment, then lowered my stuff, and reached into my pockets, wiping the sweat off my hands on the inside of my denim jeans. I took out two tickets.
"I was wondering if you'd like to go see The Hunger Games with me this Sunday after spending the afternoon down at the fair." I said it almost like a question, unconfident, with a mixture of exitement and distaste in my gut.
She opened her mouth, closed it, opened it again, then closed it again. She looked to her locker, back at me, smiled sweetly.
"I'd love to." She quickly put down her things, hugged me, then picked them back up. She backed up looking at me, turned around, then went to her friends.
~~~
Three days later I was standing by the cotton candy stand, waiting for my dream girl. She walked up to me, smiled and hugged me. I handed her a piece of my treat, and she happily accepted it.
We spent the days on rides, eating junk food, laughing, smiling, joking. At six o' clock that night my parents picked Sydney and I up. As we rode in the car my dad spread his usual humor as my mom relentlessly embarassed me in front of my girlfriend.
We got to the theater, and I bought us popcorn. We found ourselves seats in the very back, atop the rest of the viewers.
At the end of the movie I stood up but she pulled me back down. She said my name, and I looked at her.
"Thank you." Is all she said, then she leaned in and kissed me on the lips.
And then I woke up.
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140,098 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
I cracked up at the end.
Well this was a real dream, so heh :/
A nice mini-story, especially with the emotion and spontaneous ending. I'm not one for soppy-teenage romances, but this is a lot more realistic than that, a more tell-it-like-it-is. A few critiscisms however:
1. You had a few typos, just read-proof your work to avoid that.
2. You said "stood the girl that I had snagged my eye a year before."
Consider: "stood the girl that had snagged my eyes a year before"
3. I don't think your character was very... unique. His behaviour was very generic and predictable, even though this was a mini-story your characters should always have a bit of personal charm (or not so, depending on the scenario).
4. You used the word 'said' 4 times, which for 5 pieces of dialouge is too much. Try experimenting with more creative words such as 'whispered', 'giggled' or 'beamed'. Just generally show your knowledge of speech styles other than the boring old 'said'.
And then, of course the cynical and heartbreaking ending. Very nice. I like your realistic approach on real life, and as some people have put it on this thread I was very unbelieving of the direction in which this story was going. But great work, nevertheless. I might seem slightly over-critical, but its all for improving your writing style. If you'd like any more reviews, just PM me.
Regards
DNX
Thanks for the feeback
And about the descriptions; this was a real dream, so I told it how I dreamt it.
I like the voice in this, and that it's a true story! It takes guts to write about your love life. The reality of it was nice. The only part that I hated was ( and it's not your writing piece it's the actual story) this: And then I woke up.
I was like, NOOOOO..... It was a nice ending writing wise, but in real life it sucked!
Anyway, no problems with conventions or layout, so your good there.
My rating:4.9*s
Hope you get your girl!
w&w
Haha thank you
I hope I do to.
Wow! This is good! I really like it!
At the end I was like- "No!"
At first I thought it was real. I'll admit it.
I read the previous posts and I had realized this happened in real life and I feel for ya. That happens to me all the time just vise-versa.
Anyways, Overall. It's great. Keep it up.
~Katie.
Thanks a lot! And it does suck a bunch, because I've loved her on and off for the past 3 years... and she apparently loved me back last year, but my mom wouldn't let me date then -.- ugh.
I liked this -- a lot!
There was a spelling error, such as:
"Exitement" it is really spelled "Excitement"
But this was a really good story, and you put a good amount of dialouge in and you did the paragraphs real good, too!
Have a great day!
~Jenna
Thanks so much.
This is amazing! I love it.
Thank you
I really liked the piece,but I want more! Give more descriptions!
Your at a carnival! millions of descriptions there! How she reacted on a scary rollarcoaster, what she wore, did you hold hands? Your feelings? the colours, scenes ect! Describe!!
I do really like it though!:)
--Roxy
Thanks
this was a real dream though, vivid but brief. I can't explain it too well, because I only remember the gist.
oh no not a dream! anything but a dream! >.< I don't know if this was based on thruth or not, but it sucks when this happens.
but to get to the actual review.....
I really liked the mannerisms of the girl opening her mouth, then closing her mouth (etc) and then looking at her locker and then looking at the narrator. I don't know why, but I'm a sucker for mannerisms, if they're portrayed right xD
over all, I really liked this. keep up the good work!
~McKie
Hey thanks
and this was real... unfortunately 