Scattered Thoughts

[spoiler]These are not related, they simply came to me.[/spoiler]

[b]Dead Oak[/b]

A boy and a girl walked through the woods, the boy leading the way. He held a walking stick in his left hand, a pebble in the right. He flung the rock, bouncing it off the tiny creek ripples. He came to a fallen oak tree, the wood rotten, dead, and decayed. Ants and bugs writhered within. He stepped a'top it, and firmly stood the stick into the fleshy wood.

[i]"Let us run away."[/i]

[b]Mist South Dock[/b]

Alone she sat,
on the dock,
south of her house,
south of her heart.

Mist in her face,
gulls in her ear,
the sea spray danced,
the water pounced.

She held her hand,
out to her left,
to grasp the rose,
that lay in a crest.

Held to her face,
inhaled then sighed,
openly holding,
the rose over the abyss.

Then she let go.
Comments & reviews · 1
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LadyFreeWill
Review

Huh. Okay, well first I'm going to point out that your italics and bold-face words didn't show up right.

The first piece was kind of ... eh. You used the pronoun 'he' at the beginning of four out of six sentences, and it got a little repetitiveness.

The poem was considerably more interesting and worked nicely until the last two "stanza. It was mostly just the last stanza that had issues, though. There was really not poetic rhythm there and the lines were fragmented in a way I wasn't very fond of. "Held to her face" doesn't really make sense, and the next line should be "she inhaled then sighed" at best. If you put that 'she' in there, the "openly holding" part makes more sense, too. I would also take off the comma from the end of that line, as "openly holding the rose over the abyss" would be one clause.



I'll actually turning 100 soon
— Ari11