Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
I breathed heavily. Where was I? It didn't seem like it was somewhere familiar. My toes felt the ground, but my eyes couldn’t observe anything below me. Not even myself. Am I hallucinating? I asked myself. I patted my thigh. I felt it. I felt every inch of my body until I decided i wasn’t hallucinating. And that I had no clothes on. The ground suddenly shook as a platform rose up. Why is it so blocky? I asked myself. That's when I realized…
“Am I in a Video Game?”
Chapter 1: Processing…
I looked down at my feet. I realized I now had a uniform on. The tag above my head read, [player one]. Huh. I guess I’m player one. I look around to realize there are three more people around me. Player 2, 3, and 4. Just as I was about to call out to Player two, a giant face floated over. It looked quite like a theater mask, but white. “Greetings, Players!” It boomed. “I am Director, and welcome to Pixel Matrix!” Us players looked at one another. “This first round is platform. Try getting across this simple course.” “Easy!” Player four said, rubbing his hands together. Just then, the ground shook. “HOLY—” Player Two said, clutching her own platform for dear life. “Nonono! I do not accept ANY OF THAT FOUL LANGUAGE!” Director said, turning red. The shaking stopped. I looked around, my vision still shaking. “Game, START!”
Overwhelming fast paced music blasted into my ears. I jumped onto the first platform. Then another. Then another. I was at the second last platform when Player Three yelled out, “Last Jump!” I looked over, and she was preparing. I quietly muttered a prayer and jumped to the last platform. Suddenly, my head rang with a painful high-pitched sound. I watched Player Three, who had just been there, fail her jump. I slumped down. I bit down on my lips. Dont cry, dont cry… I rose and made the last jump. Then I collapsed to the ground, my lip bleeding.. “Player One has collapsed! Would you, Players Two and Four, like to heal him?” Director said. Player Four hesitated, and Two shyly nodded. A tune, more relaxed, started to play. I slowly rose to my feet against my will. I touched my lip. It wasn't bleeding. My head still had the ghost of that headache, but it was like… muffled, I guess. “Break time! Charge up your energy for Round Two: Climbing!!” Director said, then he pixelated and dissolved away. I walked over to Player Two. “Hey, thanks for saving me back there,” I said. “You’re welcome,” she said. “Call me Two.” I reached out my hand to shake hers. “I have no idea how I got here. Or when,” I admitted. “Me neither.” she said. “Rrround TWO!” Director yelled, shoving his face into mine. “Climb-The-WALL!” he yelled. A rock climbing wall arose. “Huh,” I said. “This should be easy.” The director went through about ten colors before saying, “There are some holds that your hand will phase right through!” “Oh, shoot.” I said, kicking a pebble.he "phasing through" mechanic is a classic "ruthless" video game move. It turns a simple physical challenge into a terrifying game of Russian Roulette with every grip you take."Easy, huh?" Two whispered, her eyes scanning the towering wall. It was a jagged mess of neon-colored handholds, some glowing steady and others flickering like dying lightbulbs. "He’s trying to psych us out. Stay close to me, One.""Game... START!" Director screamed, his voice distorting into a high-pitched squeal.I grabbed the first hold—a solid, jagged orange block. It felt real enough. I pulled myself up, my muscles straining. Just a few feet away, Player Four was already scrambling upward like a frantic squirrel. He reached for a bright blue grip, his fingers closing around it with a confident grin.Then his hand went right through it."Whoa!" Player Four shrieked as his balance shifted. He barely caught himself on a lower ledge, his legs dangling over the abyss. The blue grip he had reached for wasn't a solid object at all; it was just a holographic projection, a ghost hold."Watch the refresh rate!" I yelled up at him. "The fake ones flicker faster than the real ones!"I reached for a green hold, but as my hand got close, the air around it rippled. The music, which had been upbeat, suddenly dropped into a deep, vibrating hum that made my teeth ache."Two! Don't go for the pink ones!" I warned, but she was already moving.
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This is great! I love how expressive everything is! Although this is one of the best ones I’ve seen, there are a few things to tweak.
For example, paragraphs!
When a new person talks, it’s easier to press enter so people can tell!
Another thing is that the whole thing seems a bit tight and rushed. Give more room to breathe!
Overall, I loved this, please make a sequel!
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the gory S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - A guy wakes up in a video game environment with three other people. He is only called “Player One” and he has to pass the rounds with the others, as The Director has said. Hopefully he can survive…
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I think that the challenges that happen are a little rushed, especially with Player Three’s death, but that is just one little thing.
Chocolate Bar - I like how the video game rounds are, it feels like an actual video game. I also like how The Director is described, he’s very spooky and definitely an antagonist with how his face is. Another thing I enjoyed with this is how Player One and Player Two connected. They may not know who they are or why they’re there but at least they have each other.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a lovely first draft! If you ever want to continue this, then I will be sure to read it. I enjoyed reading this draft and seeing all of the video game elements. With that in mind…
I wish you a dazzling day/night! ^v^
Okay so I just read through your draft and honestly? It's pretty cool. Like the whole waking-up-and-not-being-able-to-see-yourself thing is genuinely creepy and I was immediately hooked. That's a solid way to start.
The video game trap concept works really well here. Director is giving me major villain vibes with the whole theater mask thing and the way he freaks out about swearing - that's actually kind of funny in a dark way. I'm curious what his deal is.
But yeah, there's definitely some stuff that needs work. You've got some typos and capitalization issues scattered throughout (like "i" instead of "I", "Dont" instead of "Don't"). Also you're jumping between past and present tense in a few spots which gets a little confusing. And obviously the chapter just... stops mid-sentence at the end there.
I really wish you'd slowed down when Player Three dies. Like that's a HUGE moment - someone just died right in front of them - and Player One just kind of... moves on? I feel like that deserves more emotional weight, you know? Even if he's in shock, show us that shock. Let him freak out a little.
The players themselves are kind of hard to tell apart right now except for Player Two. I'd add description, what they sound like and what they look like.
So overall you've got a REALLY strong draft here, please keep writing, can't wait for a sequel x
HAI HAI YWS MEMBER!!!!!!!
I am actually transfixed by this opening! :O! It is like I was right there on the flickering platforms with you! I am genuinely electrified by the atmosphere you built, from that first disorienting moment in the void to the absolute chaos of the platforming round.Your vocabulary is so great for setting the scene! You used words like pixelated, distorting, holographic, and rippled to give the piece such a techy, ominous edge. I love the choice of words like abyss and menacing because they show how scary this game actually is! It’s rare to see a writer balance gaming action with words that make the environment feel so physical. The way you write the budding trust between One and Two feels so honest and moving.The action is so visceral!
Tip!!! - To enhance or express it even more, try adding more words with deep feeling during the scary parts! Instead of just a "painful sound," you could describe it as a piercing shriek that felt like glass splintering in the brain. LOVE ITTT!!!
-Klee 2.0 Kaboom :3Nataleee
Thank you so much<3