Ok, because of formatting I have attached my screenplay start as a PDF. Critiques welcome.
((note: because of th format I do not expect you do go into depth with word choice etc... General story comments, your personal liking to the screenplay etc. are very much welcomed))
Yeah, the title page is yet to be edited.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Story go bye bye?
I've tried like 5 times to download it but it's not working.
I agree with all your points. Ill be sure to make adjustments. I think the Prisoner Character needs well.. characterizing more. At the moment hes a little mixed up. I like some of your suggestions and will experiment.
I liked this, and I'd really like to see it worked out better because I think I'd enjoy it, I just have some questions and a few pointers.
Is this intended for a movie, or a TV show? (You really do have to think of the median.) Is this intended for reading enjoyment, or only for watching enjoyment? I've always enjoyed reading classical plays, they really do have some beauty to them in the way they are written, along with the way they were done on stage. If you can succede in both, it will improve your script.
For now, as a reader, it was semi enjoyable. The ideas behind it were nice, but some of the setup was bumpy. We started in a really random place, and it didn't seem like a good opening scene for a movie or a TV show IMHO, and so I think that could be altered in some ways.
The dialog was good, but the actions weren't as enjoyable to read. If reading enjoyment doesn't matter to you, leave it as is.
There are two sections I'd like to comment on.
Was the prisoner being serious in this, actually making a proposition to Terry? I like the idea of it, because it gives off the expected 'lonely prisoner' vibe, but what bothered me the most was the part I underlined.
It seemed over dramatic, both to read and to imagine acted out, for the scene as it is written. Is something more dramatic happening that I am unaware of? The guard just suddenly grabs the prisoner and takes him away, it didn't work for me. Maybe if the guard says, "No touching!" and then the prisoner tries something again, more forceful, and so he gets taken away? It didn't make sense to me.
The action in this part didn't flow to well IMO, both written and imagined as on stage. His hand glowed with fire? Is his hand on fire, or is he holding fire? (Occult assumption on my part, for the latter.) The second part, "Plunging down..." it doesn't work, give more detail then that for it, that will improve reading, and the acting.
Hope this helped, I also hope to see more. Best of luck.