Story go bye bye?
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Ok, because of formatting I have attached my screenplay start as a PDF. Critiques welcome.
((note: because of th format I do not expect you do go into depth with word choice etc... General story comments, your personal liking to the screenplay etc. are very much welcomed))
Yeah, the title page is yet to be edited.
I agree with all your points. Ill be sure to make adjustments. I think the Prisoner Character needs well.. characterizing more. At the moment hes a little mixed up. I like some of your suggestions and will experiment.
I liked this, and I'd really like to see it worked out better because I think I'd enjoy it, I just have some questions and a few pointers.
Is this intended for a movie, or a TV show? (You really do have to think of the median.) Is this intended for reading enjoyment, or only for watching enjoyment? I've always enjoyed reading classical plays, they really do have some beauty to them in the way they are written, along with the way they were done on stage. If you can succede in both, it will improve your script.
For now, as a reader, it was semi enjoyable. The ideas behind it were nice, but some of the setup was bumpy. We started in a really random place, and it didn't seem like a good opening scene for a movie or a TV show IMHO, and so I think that could be altered in some ways.
The dialog was good, but the actions weren't as enjoyable to read. If reading enjoyment doesn't matter to you, leave it as is.
There are two sections I'd like to comment on.
The PRISONER reached for TERRY’s hand.
PRISONER (CONT'D)
I have a spare bed in my cell.
A prison guard takes him and drags him away, screaming with
laughter. We see TERRY, fear in his eyes.
MARVUS steps out of the darkness to the prisoner, his hand
glowing with fire. We see the back of him and a hand
plunging down to the sleeping PRISONER with cries of pain.
Points: 8413
Reviews: 816
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