z

Young Writers Society



Ramwick

by Pickwick


Karz shot his pretend air-gun at Ramwick across the orchard and watched merrily as his friend fell to the ground in a mock death. He ran up to Ramwick and helped him up. Little further did they play until an old apple tree offered them food and respite.

Karz was a young boy, practically in man-hood. He and Ramwick were both fifteen, clinging onto childhood with the many hours they spent in the orchard. A silence fell over the two boys and all laughter went away. Ramwick was too be married, decided by his guardians.

“I won’t be seeing you much,” Karz whispered, turning away slightly in embarrassment. “With the marriage and all.” The mood was awkward, this was the first Karz had said about the subject with Ramwick, he didn’t want to offend his peer. They were friends but also master and servant. Karz was Ramwick’s play servant, hired out by his guardians when they were both toddlers.

“Don’t speak of it, It shall not happen. I never want to be married.”

“You do. You’ll be an adult once you are married, your powers will come to you.”

Ramwick said nothing and began to eat an apple vigorously. Karz joined him but no more was said until Ramwick stood and looked through the trees towards the city lights.

“It is an awful thing, marriage. One has to become an adult – a filthy adult!” Ramwick’s voice had become a snarl, high pitched, almost scared.

Karz bit into his apple, “I can’t wait for my powers. I want fire—“ he continued no more because his friend had turned around with tears in his eyes, his face in semi-anger.

“Ra, why are you upset?” Karz approached him, placing a hand on his shoulders looking directly into his eyes. He saw only hatred.

“You know little about me friend,” Ramwick said, pushing him away. “This marriage will only end in hurt. Adult hood is not for me, I do not want an elemental power, I want to remain here, with you. We should carry on our play-fight.”

“Too late – I see that something is wrong. Tell me, trust me.”

Ramwick and Karz looked at each other for many long moments. Karz felt for his friend, he was silly, almost pathetic for not wanting his bride. The moment they kissed he would be a man, filled with one of the elements.

Ramwick’s tears dried up. “I can’t do it Karz, I just can’t. I don’t love her.”

“It is your guardian’s choice. Your Master chose her for you, I trust your guardian.”

“Don’t you feel it?”

“Feel what?”

Ramwick looked away desperately. “I don’t love her, I don’t love any woman.”

“There are many women, how can you not love one of them? How can you –“ Karz stopped and released his friend, backed away. “No, not you Ramwick, its not possible. The doctors can help.”

“It’s not an illness. Its joy – you are my love, it’s you that I want to marry.”

“You cannot marry a man. Ramwick, you don’t know what you are saying. You never said this. Come now, we should go back to the house, you need rest.”

Karz tried to pull him but Ramwick remained firm.

“No Karz. I mean it. I love men, I love you. I shall never be an adult because even If I marry, the powers will never come to me.”

Karz went white, looked around for some sort of excuse, stuttering possibilities but none came. His friend was filled with darkness, evil. He looked at him once more before running away, as fast as he could through the forest. He stopped until he could only hear the plants whispering. Sitting down, Karz began to cry. Ramwick had just ruined his own life, they wouldn’t be able to see each other again, Ramwick would never see his guardians again. He would be shown up at the marriage and would be taken away, forever and ever. Some said that unmarried people came to adulthood anyway at the age of twenty two, but no one risked it – just in case; infact Karz had never seen an unmarried adult.

Ruin. Utter ruin, but it was not Ramwick’s fault, the marriage would prove his evil anyway. The sad thing was that when Karz looked into his friend’s eyes, the love was reciprocated.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
6 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 6

Donate
Wed Feb 28, 2007 10:35 pm
Macky says...



OOOhh!nice!




User avatar
820 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 820

Donate
Tue Feb 27, 2007 10:46 am
Myth wrote a review...



Green = Comment/Correction
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review

*

Karz shot his pretend air-gun at Ramwick across the orchard and watched merrily as his friend fell to the ground in [a] mock death.


The sentence flows without the ‘a’ in there.

“It is an awful thing, marriage. One has to become an adult – a filthy adult!” Ramwick’s voice had become a snarl, [high pitched], almost scared.


I don’t know, but can a snarl be high pitched?

“No[,] Karz. I mean it. I love men, I love you. I shall never be an adult because even If I marry, the powers will never come to me.”


^^^ See quote

Some said that unmarried people came to adulthood anyway at the age of twenty two, but no one risked it – just in case; [infact] Karz had never seen an unmarried adult.


‘infact’ = in fact

*

Hello Pickwick!

Please remember to read the rules. You should make two critiques before posting your own work.

I wasn’t sure at first which boy was Master or Servant. I got the impression Ramwick was the Master, until I read towards the end, so maybe you could clear it up a little towards the beginning?

Sometimes the dialogue was... Well, it just didn’t seem to fit the characters. As a servant Ramwick would probably, I’m not saying it is definite, speak differently from his master. You know, the whole noble and servant thing. If you base it on people you know then it’ll be more realistic.

I think you need to show Karz opposing to Ramwick’s ‘illness’, the running away isn’t very original and even though he feels the same you could have him questioning himself too?

-- Myth




User avatar
657 Reviews


Points: 6523
Reviews: 657

Donate
Mon Feb 26, 2007 10:27 pm
Jennafina wrote a review...



Ramwick was too be married, decided by his guardians.

'To' instead of 'too'.

The mood was awkward, this was the first Karz had said about the subject with Ramwick, he didn’t want to offend his peer.

I think a semicolon would work better than a comma after 'Ramwick.'

“Don’t speak of it, It shall not happen.

The I in your second 'it' shouldn't be capitalized.

“No, not you Ramwick, its not possible. The doctors can help.”

“It’s not an illness. Its joy – you are my love, it’s you that I want to marry.”

It's, since it's a contraction for 'it is.'

The dialogue in this seems a little out of rhythm. I understand that it's in a fantasy world, and they wouldn't talk the same way, but it doesn't seem to flow the way you have it. Maybe you could invent some new words in a fantasy language, but keep the way they talk closer to the way we talk now? Just a suggestion.

I don't see a lot of difference between the boys. It would be cool if their personalities were further apart. Karz thinks homosexuality is a darkness, while Ramwick thinks it's a joy. If you wanted to make them more different, you could emphasize this.

The powers at manhood thing is a little cliché, but you made it original by having them come at the wedding ceremony. Good job with that!

Anyway, I'll look for the rest. Thanks for posting!
-Jenna




User avatar
49 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 49

Donate
Mon Feb 26, 2007 8:54 pm
Magyk wrote a review...



Ramwick was too be married

Ramwick was to be married. Only one 'o'.

I think you should try to include just a tiny bit more description but other than that I can't see any errors. I liked it. It's different but almost gripping. Carry on writing. I want to know more.

PM when you have updated it and I will read the rest.

-Jack




User avatar


Points: 890
Reviews: 4

Donate
Mon Feb 26, 2007 7:58 pm
Pickwick says...



A Note for Readers: This story deals with homosexuality in teens through fantasy. This is the beginning, I have a little more but a clear picture of wear I am going.

Reviews and Criticisms are welcomed.





The moral of Snow White is never eat apples.
— Lemony Snicket