z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Phoenix Inferno 1.1 (revised)

by PickledChrissy


His chest rises and falls, a steady rhythm under his coat. Pulling the syringe from his arm, I wrap it in the plastic bag, and toss it in the corner. My fingers go to his arms, and touch the cuffs fixed over them. Satisfied, I look at his face.

“Hello, my friend,” I whisper. “Ready to go?” A slight shudder runs up his frame, and his eyelids flicker in response to my words. I step back slightly, my hands retreating from his skin.

His lids open, and he raises his head. His dark eyes flit around the room, taking in the see-through walls, and the thin cracks that give away the position of the doors. Then they land on me. He blinks, and some of the fog clears. “Where am I?”

“It’s alright, Eric,” I say, laying my hand on his arm and keeping my voice gentle. “You’re safe.”

He flexes his arms, pressing against the restraints pinning him down. His expression clears, awareness flooding over him. “I was drugged.”

“It was necessary,” I say, keeping my voice soothing, with just a hint of an apology. He doesn’t have to think of me as an enemy, yet.

“Eric, you have been recruited, chosen, to be part of the most powerful organization in the world. You kill who you are told to, when you are told to, or you die.” I shrug. “It’s that simple.”

Fire flared in his eyes, turning the dark brown black with hatred. Menacingly, I let my hand drop down to rest on the stock of my gun, caressing the cool metal.

He follows my movement, and his shoulders slump, life leaving his eyes. Better, a reaction with less rebellion. Easier to control. It seems that softness and persuasion won’t work on him. Time to change tactics.

“Get to your feet,” I order, adding steel to my tone. “It’s time to go.”

Reluctantly, he pushes himself up with difficulty, lacking the leverage from his hands. Once on his feet, he faces me, having to bend his neck to look me in the eye. “One more thing.”

Taking a step back to keep him from towering over me, I bite back a curse. Sometimes being slim and small isn’t such a blessing. “And what is it this time?”

“What is your name?” he says, his tone neutral, somewhat lacking in emotion. Still in shock then.

“Phoenix,” I say, my fingers drumming against the hard stock of my gun. “Phoenix Inferno, agent sixty-nine.”

“It suits you,” he says, inclining his head towards me slightly.

I run a quick hand through my hair, glancing at one red strand as it curls through my fingers. “I suppose it does.” I throw it over my shoulders, turning my attention fully to him. “We all get a new name when we join. Python gave me mine.”

His name leaves a foul taste in my mouth, despite how long it was been since he died. A memory I can never be rid of, a ghost that will always haunt. The man who dragged me into this hellhole.

“Who is Python?” Eric asks, carefully, catching the flicker of thought as it flashes over my face. “A friend?”`

“Not him, No!” I snap. “Over my dead body! And you don’t have friends in this line of work. You have associates.”

He nods, but his expression isn’t satisfied. “You didn’t answer my question,” he notices. “Who is Python?”

A smile snakes its way round to cover my mouth. “He’s the agent you are going to have the honor of replacing. You’re working with me. Do you have any,” I raise one eyebrow. “Other questions?”

He nods again, shifting on his feet. “You’ve referred to the government agency several times without actually saying its name. Could you give it a name for me?”

“Chimera,” I say, the word flashing golden in my mind. “A three pronged attack. One in the field, two in computer.” I throw my head back, my midnight eyes mocking him. “Welcome to the team.”

Turning, not even waiting for his answer, I slap my hand against the glass. The cool surface kisses my sweaty palm, and a thin green light sweep up, scanning it. Recognizing my hand, the glass wall separates at the crack, and the door swings out.

Drawing my gun, I gesture for him to go first. Shaking his head, he steps through. I fall into step behind him as he does, and stick the barrel of my gun into his back. He freezes every muscle clenching.

“Don’t think I’m not watching you,” I whisper, leaning in until my lips are inches from his ears, my free hand resting on his shoulder. “Or that you’d have a chance if you try. You’d be dead in a moment. With a hole in your chest.”

He swallows, and I can feel a tremor run through him in response to my tone. A mere slip of a woman I might be, but everyone is dangerous with a gun in their hands. “I understand.”

I draw away, keeping the gun where it is, but removing my hand and taking a step back. “Good for you. Then let’s go.”

He makes as if to go, but hesitates, affronted by a corridor that heads in both directions. I push him towards the right, my hand landing on his back. He stumbles, my nudge catching him by surprise.

“Right,” I say, pinning a curse onto the end of the word. “That way.” My fingers jab into a back as hard and stubborn as can be. I can feel the individual muscles clenching against my touch.

Bending his head, he starts down the hall, passing silent rooms with closed doors. I press the barrel harder into his back, urging him on. His head goes lower, and his step quickens.

The sound of our feet echoes through the white halls, filling the air. The only noise to be heard, besides the echoes that spring up from the distance. Their faint voices remind me of the far off sound of children playing, a sound never heard here.

Frowning, I thrust the thought from me. Now isn’t the time for it. I’m on a mission; I shouldn’t be wasting time with daydreaming. I glance at the man in front of me. Not if I want to live.

We turn a corner, and I touch Eric’s shoulder. “Stop,” I order, quietly. He halts, half turning towards me.

“Yes?” he says, his voice even quieter. “What do I do now?”

Startled by his tone, I throw him a wary look. He stares back, his expression remote and frozen. Not a flicker of life in his eyes, matching the deadened tone of his voice. And that’s good. Very good. But, then what is bothering me?

Stepping farther into his view, I nod towards the elevator settled about five feet in front of us. “See the monitor perched off by the side?” I nod towards the small computer screen nestled in the wall.

“I see it,” he says, his eyes going to it. He cranes his neck and looks at me, long hair falling in his face. “And?”

“Go stand next to it,” I direct, blowing a stray strand of hair out of my face. “I need to open the doors, and don’t want to die while I’m doing it.”

He lowers his head, and does as he’s told, but I can see his hands as he does. Both of them are clenched tightly, the nails driven into the skin. He is holding his pride or whatever is giving him fits, down as tight as he can, but that can only last so long.

I wait until he stands, submissively, besides the door, before coming forward myself. I don’t think he will turn on me, too smart for that. If he does it will be later, when he has a better feel for his surroundings. But it doesn’t hurt to be careful .

Lowering my gun, though not holstering it, I brush my left hand off on my jumpsuit, ridding it of the sweaty layer of dirt. Satisfied, I place it, gently, on the scanner. The green line sweeps over it, and disappears. I pull my hand back, and step away from it.

A hum travels through the ground, vibrating up my legs. The elevator slides open, revealing the bare inside of the concrete container. Without waiting for a word, Eric steps inside, and I follow him through, skipping over the crack in the ground.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
104 Reviews


Points: 4429
Reviews: 104

Donate
Wed Aug 05, 2015 12:16 am
View Likes
comrie wrote a review...



Hey Chrissy, I'm here to review! Thank you so much for tagging me! I just feel bad that I couldn't review as soon as I saw the tag. But I'm here now and ready to go! I'll try to make this review as orderly as possible. c:

So I see you've revised this chapter. Your writing seems stronger in this chapter. Clean and crisp. I like it a lot. In this version, things also seem to be moving fast. There's no mention of Nyx, but I'm guessing it's because you're saving him for later or cut him out completely. Eric's already in their possession, which is interesting. I'm especially interested in just how and why Eric is being swept up in Chimera! I'm assuming this is stuff we're going to find out later, and I can't wait :) This version's pretty cool. What I will say is that there was a bit less description in this one than the last. A ton of description isn't necessary and I feel like I personally suffer from writing too much description, but just a little would be enough. For example, when describing the surroundings, adding a bit more would help give us readers more of an idea of where this is all taking place.

You've kept the story in present tense. There was only one sentence you wrote in past tense, and it's this one:

Fire flared in his eyes, turning the dark brown black with hatred.


This wouldn't be an issue if this entire story was written in past tense, but it's not. The first part of the sentence should go, "Fire flares in his eyes." It might have just been a misspelling here. "D" and "S" are literally next to each other on the keyboard, so it's understandable.

His name leaves a foul taste in my mouth, despite how long it was been since he died. A memory I can never be rid of, a ghost that will always haunt. The man who dragged me into this hellhole.


I REALLY like this. I don't know how to explain it, but the way you wrote this was so . . . real? Like saying Python's name is a memory I can't get rid of - ever; a haunting ghost. Wow. Gives me a really chilly feeling, and that's what I love about these lines. It really gives us an idea of just how simply saying Python's names brings back memories. And what kind of effect it has on Pheonix. I especially like the line I made bold. Something about it . . . pretty writing.

“Who is Python?” Eric asks, carefully, catching the flicker of thought as it flashes over my face. “A friend?”`


An extra character after the last quotation mark here. I'd remove it!

“Not him, No!” I snap. “Over my dead body! And you don’t have friends in this line of work. You have associates.”


I don't think you meant to capitalize the "n" in "No!" I think you should leave it in small caps or make to two separate sentences out of that part. Like, "Not him -- no!" I snap. or "Not him. No!" I snap. It is totally up to you!

A smile snakes its way round to cover my mouth. “He’s the agent you are going to have the honor of replacing. You’re working with me. Do you have any,” I raise one eyebrow. “Other questions?”


I think you should rewrite this bold sentence. I just feel like the punctuation is a bit off. Maybe, Do you have any," I say, raising one eyebrow, "other questions?" I think you're trying to emphasize just how much Phoenix wants Eric to move on from the Python topic, and she raises her eyebrow when saying "other." And that's okay. I feel like it's a nice visual, and it really adds to her thoughts/character/etc. I just think rearranging the words/punctuation/etc. would make for a smoother read.

He nods again, shifting on his feet. “You’ve referred to the government agency several times without actually saying its name. Could you give it a name for me?”


I'm going to have to agree with FireBird99 when it comes to this. About the government agency's name not being mentioned -- at least for us to see! Maybe have Phoenix slip something a couple lines before this. Something like, "The agency has use for you." It doesn't have to be that specific line, but I think you know what's trying to be said! If not, let me know!

He freezes every muscle clenching.


I think a comma needs to after "freezes." So it's, He freezes, every muscle clenching.

A mere slip of a woman I might be, but everyone is dangerous with a gun in their hands.


Wow, wow, wow. I really like this line. Because you're right; everyone is dangerous with a gun in their hand, no matter their build. Nice.

I don’t think he will turn on me, too smart for that.


I think you should rewrite this sentence. There's something a bit off about it. Maybe, I don't think he will turn on me; he seems to be too smart for that.? Or I don't think he will turn on me; he has to be too smart for that. Not these exact suggestions, per say, but similar. Up to you!

And that's it for nitpicks and such. I have to say, things are only a bit different. The story seems the same. Chimera is a little bit more of a mystery here than before. Before, Phoenix gave us some backinfo on Chimera, which I personally thought was okay. It wasn't overwhelming backinfo. But, Phoenix is still pretty badass, and I feel bad for Eric -- she's intimidating. I wonder what'll happen next. Where are they headed? To the Chimera boss or something? Where is Nyx? Is Eric replacing Python? So many questions, but I'm sure they'll be answered later. I can't wait to read the next chapters! Please tag me again, if you don't mind! I'd love to keep up with this story. Nicely done! I hope this has been helpful c:

-comrie






Thanks, comrie!About that slip up with the government agency. Would it work if he called it a organization? She does mention one.

Actually, I took Nyx completely out. I tried finding a place for him, but he couldn't fit anywhere. It's a shame, cause I kinda liked him.



comrie says...


No problem, and I think using organization would work, because, like you said, she does mention an organization!



User avatar
91 Reviews


Points: 3238
Reviews: 91

Donate
Mon Aug 03, 2015 5:36 pm
View Likes
FireBird99 wrote a review...



Hey! FireBird99 here for a review!

Thoughts~

The first thing I noticed when I was reading this novel was that you have improved in your writing a lot since your last one. Its not that your other ones weren't good-they were, its just that I found this one more of an easier read. It flowed well, you gave the perfect amount of description of their actions. The only thing I suggest is to describe their surroundings more. I had a clear picture of every action they did but it was in hazy surroundings. After you mentioned the glass walls there wasn't much to go on and I was left wondering- what color were the walls? Were there any decorations of some kind? Or was it plain and simple? Or was it still glass?

If you try sneak those little details in then we'll get a glimpse into the facility and from there we'll do our own imaging.

I kind of agree with Selina, although she has to keep guard and make sure he doesn't do any harm she doesn't have to be forceful. If you are trying to make their relationship not start off as a good one then you should try doing it from a different angle. Maybe if you are still wanting the whole gun scenario, than you could make it where she warns him not to cause trouble and he tries to overwhelm her and escape but it doesn't work and he figures out she isn't just a defenseless, petite lady that she appears to be. Then you could keep her directing him with her gun. Or you could just get her to keep her gun at her side with her hand on it the entire time like Selina said. Its just that in the beginning it doesn't appear right....:)

He nods again, shifting on his feet. “You’ve referred to the government agency several times without actually saying its name. Could you give it a name for me?”


Here you said she referred to a government agency...she didn't. She only talked about agents. She said nothing about them being with the government. =)

As for his questioning pace, I think it is fine. He could be one of those calm, abiding time sort of guys that keeps his emotions to himself. And he might not want to appear frightened.

Finishing Thoughts~

I was curious, is this a re-write of the beginning of the book again? I'm a little confused...:)

It is a interesting piece that captured my attention. I'm loving it! Keep up the awesome writing!
Fire






Yeah, it's a re-write of the beginning. Thanks for the review Annie! Oh, and about him being so calm. Just you wait.



FireBird99 says...


You're welcome. I'm guessing he has a bad temper when he gets mad? ;P





Yup, and more so.



FireBird99 says...


Yay! Can't wait. =)



User avatar
111 Reviews


Points: 1731
Reviews: 111

Donate
Mon Aug 03, 2015 4:17 pm
View Likes
TheSilentBagpipe wrote a review...



Hello there PickledChrissy! I have finally come to review your work! I tried to get to it as fast as I could =)

First off lets start with the mistakes that need fixing before we continue onto what I thought of your story.
Number 1 - I found that your story moved just a little to fast... it was more like a movie than a book. Do you get what I mean? If not then ask me in a message and I shall explain =)
Some things that I think should be fixed up just a bit - Ok so when Eric first wakes up I think he would be a little more confused and wanting answers than he was. Also if I woke up tied up and in a weird place I would probably want to know what was happening, who was kidnapping me ect. I doubt that anyone, no matter how calm, would not be a little freaked out and trying to get away.
Another thing was I think (keep in mind this is just a personal opinion) that she told him about everything way to early and fast. Yes she needed to tell him right away but maybe let him ask a couple questions and her tell him before she gets down to the point of why he is there. Its your choice mind, and your story. My personal opinion is not like you-need-to-change its just giving a suggestion =)
*If she is going to work with him for a long time, wouldn't she be a little more nice to him? Just a question. I get how she is very bad-ass type girl (which I think is cool) but maybe try showing that in a different way? Keep her smart alec comments and stuff but maybe she just keeps the gun at her waist with her hand on it, instead of pointing it at him. That way its more of a I'm-warning-you-not-to-act-up instead of forcing him into everything with gun power.
Number 2 - When you wrote this sentence it didn't really sound right -
'My fingers jab into a back as hard and stubborn as can be.'
Maybe try something like-
'My fingers jab into his back with a force that would probably have hurt a bit.'
Or something like that =)
Ok so that's what I have for you at the moment...

Onto what I thought of your story.

I liked the idea really well, and I am sure its going to be a really cool and action packed book when its finished. It just strikes me as one of those. Its kind of a mix of superhero and The Maze Runner. Very cool! I look forward to reading the next chapter once you have it up <3 Tag me or message me or something when you have it posted.

Awesome story, very cool writing style! Your writing has improved quite a bit since I last read your work! Keep it up Chrissy <3

~Selina






Thanks, Selina! Maybe I do need to make her a little nicer. She turning out a lot more vicious than I meant for her too be.





No problem, I know that sometimes when I want to make some one really cool and all I tend to overstep the line of 'cool' and 'mean'. I do it myself that's why I noticed it in your book xD If you need any help trying to switch her, PM me and I'll give you some ideas.





Will do.




I should infinitely prefer a book.
— Mary Bennet, Pride and Prejudice