Hey Chrissy, I'm here to review! Thank you so much for tagging me! I just feel bad that I couldn't review as soon as I saw the tag. But I'm here now and ready to go! I'll try to make this review as orderly as possible. c:
So I see you've revised this chapter. Your writing seems stronger in this chapter. Clean and crisp. I like it a lot. In this version, things also seem to be moving fast. There's no mention of Nyx, but I'm guessing it's because you're saving him for later or cut him out completely. Eric's already in their possession, which is interesting. I'm especially interested in just how and why Eric is being swept up in Chimera! I'm assuming this is stuff we're going to find out later, and I can't wait This version's pretty cool. What I will say is that there was a bit less description in this one than the last. A ton of description isn't necessary and I feel like I personally suffer from writing too much description, but just a little would be enough. For example, when describing the surroundings, adding a bit more would help give us readers more of an idea of where this is all taking place.
You've kept the story in present tense. There was only one sentence you wrote in past tense, and it's this one:
Fire flared in his eyes, turning the dark brown black with hatred.
This wouldn't be an issue if this entire story was written in past tense, but it's not. The first part of the sentence should go, "Fire flares in his eyes." It might have just been a misspelling here. "D" and "S" are literally next to each other on the keyboard, so it's understandable.
His name leaves a foul taste in my mouth, despite how long it was been since he died. A memory I can never be rid of, a ghost that will always haunt. The man who dragged me into this hellhole.
I REALLY like this. I don't know how to explain it, but the way you wrote this was so . . . real? Like saying Python's name is a memory I can't get rid of - ever; a haunting ghost. Wow. Gives me a really chilly feeling, and that's what I love about these lines. It really gives us an idea of just how simply saying Python's names brings back memories. And what kind of effect it has on Pheonix. I especially like the line I made bold. Something about it . . . pretty writing.
“Who is Python?” Eric asks, carefully, catching the flicker of thought as it flashes over my face. “A friend?”`
An extra character after the last quotation mark here. I'd remove it!
“Not him, No!” I snap. “Over my dead body! And you don’t have friends in this line of work. You have associates.”
I don't think you meant to capitalize the "n" in "No!" I think you should leave it in small caps or make to two separate sentences out of that part. Like, "Not him -- no!" I snap. or "Not him. No!" I snap. It is totally up to you!
A smile snakes its way round to cover my mouth. “He’s the agent you are going to have the honor of replacing. You’re working with me. Do you have any,” I raise one eyebrow. “Other questions?”
I think you should rewrite this bold sentence. I just feel like the punctuation is a bit off. Maybe, Do you have any," I say, raising one eyebrow, "other questions?" I think you're trying to emphasize just how much Phoenix wants Eric to move on from the Python topic, and she raises her eyebrow when saying "other." And that's okay. I feel like it's a nice visual, and it really adds to her thoughts/character/etc. I just think rearranging the words/punctuation/etc. would make for a smoother read.
He nods again, shifting on his feet. “You’ve referred to the government agency several times without actually saying its name. Could you give it a name for me?”
I'm going to have to agree with FireBird99 when it comes to this. About the government agency's name not being mentioned -- at least for us to see! Maybe have Phoenix slip something a couple lines before this. Something like, "The agency has use for you." It doesn't have to be that specific line, but I think you know what's trying to be said! If not, let me know!
He freezes every muscle clenching.
I think a comma needs to after "freezes." So it's, He freezes, every muscle clenching.
A mere slip of a woman I might be, but everyone is dangerous with a gun in their hands.
Wow, wow, wow. I really like this line. Because you're right; everyone is dangerous with a gun in their hand, no matter their build. Nice.
I don’t think he will turn on me, too smart for that.
I think you should rewrite this sentence. There's something a bit off about it. Maybe, I don't think he will turn on me; he seems to be too smart for that.? Or I don't think he will turn on me; he has to be too smart for that. Not these exact suggestions, per say, but similar. Up to you!
And that's it for nitpicks and such. I have to say, things are only a bit different. The story seems the same. Chimera is a little bit more of a mystery here than before. Before, Phoenix gave us some backinfo on Chimera, which I personally thought was okay. It wasn't overwhelming backinfo. But, Phoenix is still pretty badass, and I feel bad for Eric -- she's intimidating. I wonder what'll happen next. Where are they headed? To the Chimera boss or something? Where is Nyx? Is Eric replacing Python? So many questions, but I'm sure they'll be answered later. I can't wait to read the next chapters! Please tag me again, if you don't mind! I'd love to keep up with this story. Nicely done! I hope this has been helpful c:
-comrie
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Reviews: 104
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