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Young Writers Society



Ghost of the Prophecy

by Pickle810


The cloaked woman hurried through the dark streets, bent protectively over the basket in her arms. A tall man strode swiftly beside her, his own footsteps muffled by the cloth over his shoes.

“Miriam, this is a terrible idea! The palace is guarded, for Dagger’s sake. What if you’re caught? Then what will happen to the baby? I beg you, come back! Do not risk your life over some prophecy half-fulfilled. Miriam, don’t ignore me! Your child will not prosper if you give it to the king!” Rasem’s whispered words had no effect on the darkly clad lady, who briskly hurried on.

“I’ve already broken a hundred laws, Rasem, what’s a few more? This child must live, don’t you understand? The fate of the kingdom depends upon this little girl! You can turn back if you feel the need, but I continue on in the face of this peril, for I have read the fire and the stars. Even the creatures of lore, who speak only to those of pure blood lines, agree. The time has come, and my child will change the future. She must live. No guards will kill her if she’s well hidden, and I must do my duty to the higher powers.” Rasem sighed softly, and glanced up at the moon. It was full, and pale. The Goddess was watching over them tonight.

“Fine, let the girl live. But why the palace? Why not leave her on the doorstep of some childless nobleman? The palace is a dangerous place in these times, more dangerous than even your Temple!” Miriam pursed her lips and shook her head. They were too close to the gates now to speak, lest the guards hear them and demand a reason for breaking curfew.

Miriam looked down into the basket, where a small infant slept peacefully. The girl would grow up into a magnificent destiny, with a burden unmatched upon her shoulders. Miriam could only hope that there would be enough time for the child to grow and learn before Fate cast the die. Goddess, she prayed softly, let this child be happy. Let her live. I implore you, Goddess, who I have served so faithfully, let my daughter live!

Rasem flinched as the back wing came into view. His mind was shouting for him to turn back, even to grab his headstrong sister and flee. He could put her on a ship, send her to some other place. Miriam was a strong woman, but he was a man. Though she was High Priestess, he could still control Miriam by the law, especially with the high rank he's scraped and scrounged and slandered for.

At last, Miriam and Rasem reached the small side door hidden by swinging ivy. A thought flitted across Miriam’s mind, disturbing enough to make her pause. Would she ever leave once she crossed this secret threshold? Rasem looked at her face, wondering why they had stopped, and she pulled forward again, determined to fulfill the prophecy even at the cost of her own life. She had, after all, offered up her life to the Goddess. If she must die in service, let it be so.

The door was not well oiled and creaked as Miriam dragged it open. Rasem winced, afraid. They were in a small antechamber, which Miriam knew led into the Library of the Palace. They wove their way through the rooms, watching scrolls and books slide by their lines of vision.

Miriam found a table, and gently placed the basket on top of it, leaning swiftly down to kiss the child on the forehead before straightening and turning her back, forcing the tears away from her eyes. She would not cry for doing her duty. But she could not leave the child without some sign, some hint of love, either.

Bending again, Miriam unfastened the finest necklace from her many prized chains, and laid it on the child’s body. The sleeping infant curled her chubby hand around the chain and smiled, the moon pendant resting on her stomach. Rasem tugged at Miriam’s arm, and led her from the chamber , seeming paranoid of every whisper of the breeze they made striding past pages and pages of writing.

The ivy door was just a hint ajar. Had they been so careless? Miriam felt the back of her neck tingle, and drew her dagger, but it was too late. Hands, strong and callused, gripped her arms, forcing her to stand straight and drop the silver blade. She turned, crying out, fear and horror overcoming her.

Rasem smiled bitterly, even sadly, at his almighty sister. He was unbound, untouched, and the guards were thanking him. Miriam felt the sharp sting of betrayal, and her face twisted and contorted in fury.

“Rasem!” Her voice was full of raw emotion, and for a second Rasem’s face seemed sad, wan. Then it cleared, and his eyes were blank, cruel. “How could you do this? I’m your sister, fool! We share the same blood!” His eyes closed for a moment, but then opened and met Miriam’s eyes.

“I serve the king before you, Miriam. You speak so much of duty, and I listened. I did my duty. You are a traitor, above being my sister. You will get what you deserve, Miriam.” But as the guards pulled her away so cruelly, a single shard of pain fled her heart. For leaning so close no one could hear but her, Rasem had given her a ray of hope. “The child will live. She is as of yet undiscovered, and I’ve spoken not of the prophecy, and I will not tell. My father’s grandchild will not be left to their mercy.”

Miriam’s resistance dropped, and she strode at equal pace with the guards, her head high with pride, her eyes blazing Rasem, the traitor, had spared her daughter’s life. If Aliya, her child, would live, she could die in peace. The Goddess would welcome her, and Miriam could watch her child from afar. From death, even.

__________________

“… And thus, it has been ordained that Miriam Swallow is convicted of betrayal of the king and kingdom, breaking curfew, and trespassing of the palace. It has been decided that the sentence for such crimes is death.” The speaker finished, and looked at the young woman he’d just announced was about to die. She was unkempt from months of living in a dungeon, but still had great beauty. It was really a pity she’d committed such crimes.

Miriam stepped forward before the guard could drag her, and knelt down before the executioner. Her dark hair swung forward, and she pulled it back. There was no fear in her eyes, and she didn’t beg or plead like so many of the other prisoners. It was like she was happy dying.

A tall man among the noblemen stood higher, and stared. Rasem felt a sting of regret that he’d done this to Miriam, his only sister, but she had truly deserved it. She worshiped the Goddess, and listened to prophecies not made by the king’s oracle. Rasem had had to make a decision: him or Miriam. And he’d chosen.

The sword swung down with a sickening thud, and the light in Miriam’s eyes went out. Her body was hauled away by men in hoods and black garments, faces hidden from the public.

Rasem felt cold, sick. He gulped, but could not tear his eyes away from the head of his sister. His little sister, dead? Dead, with her blood on his hands, or as good as? [i][i][i][i]Mercy, Goddess! Please, I am sorry. Let Miriam, who served you to the end, be happy next to you, looking down at the child. [i]Let her forgive me, though I’ll never forgive myself.[/pre][/i][/i][/i][/i][/i]


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Tue Feb 26, 2008 1:47 am
Pickle810 says...



Thanks for the reviews! I've got another part written, so I'll probably post it this weekend if I'm not too busy!




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Mon Feb 25, 2008 9:28 pm
PerforatedxHearts wrote a review...



Interessttingg...

There's only one thing that bothers me, or for now. >.~

“Rasem!” Her voice was full of raw emotion, and for a second Rasem’s face seemed sad, wan. Then it cleared, and his eyes were blank, cruel. “How could you do this? I’m your sister, fool! We share the same blood!” His eyes closed for a moment, but then opened and met Miriam’s eyes.



I'm unsure as to who's speaking right now.

Otherwise, it's very intriguing. I'd like to read more of this. But I feel like you're leaving us waay behind in the dark, and that you should include just a tad bit more info about the story to lead the reader in the right path.




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Mon Feb 25, 2008 9:20 pm



Aww! How cute! I loved it, Pickle. I hope you're better and keep writing!

P.S I've written a post of thanks for my Sleeping Beauty story in which you're mentioned. I see you've also looked at my Victorian novel. The character of Pickle was just a simple random nickname i came up with for the character of Pippa. I hope you weren't offended. I'd be grateful if you sent me a review when you've finished.

Thanks, and keep writing, girl!

*lilmisswritergal* also known as Glinda the Good.




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Mon Feb 25, 2008 8:15 pm
StellaThomas wrote a review...



OMG I am ssoo changing my last name to Swallow... Miriam Swallow has such a pretty ring to it (although I prefer to be known as Stella...)

Actually I was a bit dubious about this. But I love the beginning, I love the style of showing how the main character ended up in whatever position it was in... I found it really good...

Looking forward to more!




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Mon Feb 25, 2008 2:26 am
vines-of-beauty says...



I don't like this story, I'm really sorry but it just didn't pop my bubble!
it's acctualy a REALLY good idea, but it's not writting well.
you can do soooo much better.

*keep rockin'*

-Meg




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Sun Feb 24, 2008 10:29 pm
Teague wrote a review...



Hi there! Don't think I've seen you around YWS before. My name is Saint, and I shall be your critiquer today! Woohoo! *throws confetti*

The girl would grow up into a magnificent destiny, with a burden unmatched upon her shoulders.

This line bugs me -- specifically, the clause following the comma. What's the burden unmatched by? It's a bit of an incomplete comparison if you know what I mean.

Goddess, she prayed softly, let this child be happy. Let her live. I implore you, Goddess, who I have served so faithfully, let my daughter live!

Thoughts should always be in italics, just to differentiate between thought and narration.

The High Priestess of the Goddess’s Temple, his younger sister, was still nothing to him, with that rank he’s scraped and slaved and slandered for.

This sentence is a bit awkward to me. Try something more like "His younger sister may have been the High Priestes of the Goddess's Temple, but she was still nothing to him. he had a rank he'd scraped and slavered and slandered for" or something to that effect.

Rasem tugged at Miriam’s arm, and led her from the chamber quickly,

"Quickly" there is kind of annyoing, and slightly detracts from your story.

but then opened and Rasem met Miriam’s eyes.

You don't really need to say "Rasem" there.

You had better continue this. This is really good, very well-written. It was a very enjoyable read. And if you don't write more, I'll have to bonk you on the head with a shovel. And I don't really want to do that. ;)

PM me when there's more, and if you have any questions!
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate :pirate3:




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Sun Feb 24, 2008 9:46 pm
Pickle810 says...



Thanks!

Anybody else reading this, feel free to crit. I can't decide whether or not I want to continue this storyline.




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Sun Feb 24, 2008 9:43 pm
*lilmisswritergal* wrote a review...



Wow! What a story, it could be the first chapter of something amazing. I couldn't find any grammatical errors however in the last paragraph you say Rasem felt sick, cold. It doesn't really make sense, however you could say Rasem felt sick with cold or guilt shot through him as he stared at his sister's severed head. To think, his poor little sister, dead.

Holly





The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.
— Stanislaw Jerszy Lec