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The Sands

by Physarumpolycephalum


The Sands

Inside me sits a little spark

Crosslegged, shining in the dark

It strums the strings of golden lute

And whistles songs on silver flute

§

Across it looms a dark red mass

Beating mahogany brass

It’s underlit by waning flame

And tells the spark my every name

§

The spark mulls over beaten words

And, giving throats to little birds,

Sings the looming mass a song

Bright and gentle; fleeting, long

§

Behind the wall of dark red mass

Songs' vibrations caught in glass

Are passed over from hand to hand

Above soundless, still, endless sand

§

But! From time to time / that sand does drift

And down my face / its salt does slip


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21 Reviews

Points: 739
Reviews: 21

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Thu Feb 15, 2024 4:48 pm
Lullaby wrote a review...



Hello! I read your poem and really wanted to write my thoughts on the piece. First, I want to thank you for having the courage to share your poetry online, it takes a lot to share that part of your mind with strangers who can pick it apart. I will begin with things I found favorable in my eyes before moving on to any suggestions (if I have any). Let’s begin!

→ This poem begins really well-written. I enjoy the image of the “spark” sitting and playing instruments that give off that elegant sound.
→ The second stanza contrasts this light imagery with a “dark red mass” which goes very well together! I can tell that a story is beginning to be told through the poem. This stanza is where the rhyme came alive to me. The two lines

Across it looms a dark red mass
Beating mahogany brass
read so beautifully together.
→ Onto the third stanza, the wording of this is wonderful. Words such as: mull, looming, and fleeting give the poem so much color and life. The phrase “giving throats” is so unique and definitely a type of phrase I’d like to learn to incorporate into my own poetry. Also the song imagery, which ties back to the first stanza makes the story and content of the poem feel very cohesive.
→ The fourth stanza the story evolves with images like, “caught in glass” and “passed over from hand to hand.” These images drive the poem forward and prepare the reader for the ending couplet. The wording matches the tone of the other stanzas
→ It’s interesting that the ending of the poem ends in a couplet rather than a full four-lined stanza like the rest. This effect gives the feeling of something ending rather quickly. It fits really well at the ending of this poem, giving the poem a strong, clean, and nice ending.
→ The rhyme of this poem is really well done, even if it can seem to be simplistic because of the single-syllable words. I think reading this poem out loud was really satisfying from beginning to end. You did a great job of painting an image, using the senses to your advantage in strengthening the tone of the poem, and conveying an emotion of melancholy and almost sad yet hopeful!
→ I have no critiques!

As always, keep writing and never give up on the things you feel passionate about.
- Lullaby *ੈ✩‧₊˚




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Points: 200
Reviews: 0

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Sat Feb 10, 2024 1:48 pm
caseyjo1a says...



Excellent poem great write would love to read more




Random avatar

Points: 200
Reviews: 0

Donate
Sat Feb 10, 2024 1:47 pm
caseyjo1a says...



Excellent poem great write would love to read more




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15 Reviews

Points: 252
Reviews: 15

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Sat Feb 10, 2024 1:45 pm
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Cozmo2024 wrote a review...



Hi! Cozmo here to give you a short and sweet review!

To start off, wow this poem is very enchanting! The language is very descriptive. What really made me impressed was how I was instantly hooked in right away. The first lines: "Inside me sits a little spark

Crosslegged, shining in the dark

It strums the strings of golden lute

And whistles songs on silver flute"

Had me immediately imagining a fantasy setting, and I love it! The descriptions of the lute and flute (great rhyme!) have me in a chokehold!
My favorite lines in this poem is probably: "Across it looms a dark red mass

Beating mahogany brass

It’s underlit by waning flame

And tells the spark my every name"

I don't see any errors! Awesome work!
Bye bye!
- Cozmo :)




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75 Reviews

Points: 350
Reviews: 75

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Wed Feb 07, 2024 10:16 pm
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Leya wrote a review...



Hello! Ley here for a short review on this wonderful poem!

I just wanted to start of by saying this is a super well-written poem, with descriptive language! It kind of reminded me, as a fantasy writer, as some sort of prophecy that my character's would receive from the Oracles. XD Now, let's get right into the review!

Let's start with my favorite thing, or the most enjoyable part of this poem:
Like I said above, the descriptive language was mind-blowing. You were really able to draw some imagination out of me, as I was forming these pictures in my head of what you were saying. Some of my favorite lines were:

Across it looms a dark red mass

Beating mahogany brass

It’s underlit by waning flame

And tells the spark my every name


This stanza specifically has a euphoric and melancholy feel to it.

Another thing that's worth praising is your ability to seamlessly piece this poem together, line by line. The rhyming was absolutely flawless!

As for errors, I didn't see any! It flowed smoothly, and the formatting was on-point. Overall, this was a wonderful poem! I hope to read more of your work in the future! Have a wonderful Wednesday.

With Love,
Ley <3





gonna be honest, i dont believe in the moon
— sheyren