Published January 30, 2007
A sunset, gold and blue
A purple-silk wrapped debut
Tracks across the western sky
God in nature glorified
The ocean waves crest and wash
Against a line that's never crossed
A beach, a bulwark, made of sand
A line between the earth and land
Stalwart against a raging wind
Trees mourn for what might have been
Adding their wails to the breeze
Bemoaning the winter's early freeze
The sun now gone, I stand instead
With stars above a profane head
A cosmos stretching infinitely
Farther than human eyes can see
Too marvelous to manifest
And I, a speck of nothingness
Sit solemnly but bleary-eyed
Contemplating fratricide
(My brother took my ball)
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141,249 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
you have just made my day. I was sure that fratricide was a term for killing a sibling. I never dreamed I could be so lucky as to get a specific term! I know the rhyming's a bit bumpy, but when I did it with the same amount of syllables in the same pattern, it didn't sound right.
You have some very strong imagery here in this piece, but there were a few spots where I stumbled.
My first issue is that I could use a bit more consistency with your rhyme scheme. You tend to switch from rhyming the first couplet in one stanza to rhyming the second couplet in the first stanza, and it makes the poem feel a bit unpolished.
I also wonder about the ending. Fratricide is the killing of one's brother, and here you are talking about how "[your] sister took the ball." I might try "parricide" instead (the killing of a close relative), or perhaps "sororicide."
You have some really good imagery, and I do enjoy the witty and unexpected ending. Good job!
I really liked it! It flowed extremely well!