Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: This is a pretty decent start here. I do think the cliche level here is a bit too high and you have to look towards making things a bit more different and the exposition is also a bit off the charts, the ending though I think was pretty good, its a decent cliffhanger, that is certainly expected and you found yourself wanting to read on and find out why.
Anyway let's get right to it,
I awoke to the sound of my alarm ticking off. I couldn't have felt more sleepy then this. The rain was pounding on my window. Not the best day ever I thought to myself. I dragged myself out of my bed. I can't get much sleep at night but i can see why, knowing that i am a vampire. Yea it's a surprise for you but not for me, seeing that it is my usual thing. I take a long, hot shower to wake me up. I put on my sunblock so I wouldn't burn. I go downstairs to the smell of hot melted blood. "Aw good old breakfast. Can't wait to eat it Aunt Nelly.! Well drink it, you can say.." I say. Aunt Nelly replies with the usual "Yea I know. It takes a lot to steal the blood from the hospital for you." I don't reply knowing she might snap. Not a good way to start of the day. I'll tell you about myself like all other narrators do in their life story. So, I'm a normal person that hides the fact that I'm a vampire from other people. But my family nows I am. I'm not an usual vampire you hear about. I'm half human half vampire. No difference at all. My parents....I don't want to mention but they are no longer living. Died in a mystery way. But off that subject we'll get back to that later. I forget to mention my name is Vlad.
Okayy...I have to say right off the bat, this is a very on the nose. Some of the details and declaration just feel like their just a bit too much and not really needed for us to realize who this is and what they're daily routine is like. I think it would be much cooler to be subtle about the whole vampire part of things rather than shove it in the reader's face because that leads to just a little bit of cringe I think. So...interesting start, but I think you could do with toning down some of this exposition just a little.
My best friend is a dude named Henry. He walks to school with me and is the one friend who knows I'm a vampire. Assuming the fact that i bite him when we was eight but he asked me to since he didn't believe me at the time. Its a new school year. finally in ninth grade but, it slays. Everything is still the same. Today was the usual day routine I spend. I have some bullies that like to pick on me since I'm like the most unpopular kid at school. Did I mention that Henry is the MOST popular kid at school!?! Yes it is weird that I'm best friends with him but it just happens like all other stuff do. The bullies , Tom and Billy came to my locker today. Unfortunately, Henry is not with me when I actually need him.
Okayy...this bit of exposition continues here. A little bit of information on the background of a character or the setting is helpful in a story and can be quite nice but something like this just doesn't quite work I think. There is simply too much information just being fed to us here.
Tom slams me against the locker. " Hey Goth boy. Nice to see you again." said Tom. Billy, his little sidekick, says to me " Yea. I can't wait to pound this Goth boy back into a little pieces, just like last year." I look at them two with no fear in my eyes. Bullies hate when you look at them like that. But them two are easily angered. By mistake I read Tom's mind. ( an ability us vampires have. ) I find some very interesting information.! I say to Tom " You better hurry Ballet boy. Your mom is outside with your stockings you left at home." Tom lets go of his grip he had on me. He stands there, shock at what he heard. I knew I hit the nail with that expression he has on his face.! Billy hits Tom in the arm. Tom pulls Billy away and they walk down the hall with Billy whispering in Tom's ear. I bet I know what they are talking about.!
Okay...that part was perhaps the best one of the lot although once again a bit cliche there. This one is a little riddled with those and has been from about the start I think. You're going to have to consider that one for a bit I think because you do have to make this is a little more original somehow. Well let's see how this ends I suppose.
Henry shows up at lunch time. He sits down next to me and says " So did you get a chance to talk to Meredith yet?" I blush a bit. " No I didn't talk to her yet...Whats up though no "hey dude" What happened you meet a girl you like?" I say back. " You need to get some courage. Maybe I did maybe I didn't but she is a cutie.!" Henry says. I turn away and say " Whatever." I open my lunch bag. A sandwich all jelly or that's what some people think I'm eating. Instead of jelly its blood. I eat it with ease. Delicious!
The day goes on with great ease until I come to my Homeroom last period. Instead of my favorite teacher at the desk I see a tall, pale, and dressed in all black man. What's going on. Our teacher is never absent why is this dude here instead of Mr.Craig? I don't ask any questions I just calmly walk to my seat. The new teacher speaks. " Good Afternoon class. You see me before you because your teacher has gone missing. I have to replace him till farther notice." What Mr.Craig is MISSING?!? What is going on.!?!
Hmm, well the ending is at least a little bit interesting I think. That manages to save this somewhat because it does make for a fairly entertaining cliffhanger I think with the whole teacher is missing thing especially because of the whole vampire situation surrounding this story here. At any rate, this does make me want to know what happens next here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this wasn't a bad first chapter, there's certainly some good ideas on display here, it just needs a bit of a rethink in a coupe of places for it to really reach its full potential here. There's a couple of things here that don't quite work out.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 254788
Reviews: 4107
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