Every step planned, every movement precise,
like a perfectly executed dance.
Nothing out of place, out of ordinary,
everything is as it should be
And my life is perfect.
The path to be traveled, already laid out,
it's the path oft taken, clear and known.
No twists and turns along the way
I move on, without any hurdles
And my life is perfect.
Sensible decisions are taken, choices are made,
at the price of dreams and hopes,
which are burned and buried away.
I move on, doing the right thing.
And my life is perfect.
The dreams are gone, nothing remains,
but the emptiness of the soul
and perpetual darkness.
I move on, a hollow, lifeless shell.
And my life is perfect.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I liked this, you really managed to sum up what I think most teens dread to think about, yet find their minds dangerously wandering into the void that is the future. I actually really relate to this, especially when you're talking about how it's planned and how sensibility is often the deciding factor in our actions in place of morality. This poem holds a lot of relevant messages and ideas, even though it's quite simple. And despite what it's about and where you're coming from, in terms of my perspective, there's little to no 'cheese' involved. Very difficult to accomplish when talking about emotions.
Good job. Keep it up.
your work was on the sidelines of the website, and from all the wor's title, your stood out. LIFE IS PERFECT are the three rarest words in todays generation, and because of your title ( i salute you for that) i was immediately fascinated, and that's why i clicked to read it.
predictably, i wasn't disappointed by what i read.
this shows that you aren't living in a virtual world, but a world with obstacles and hurdles, and regardless of all that, you still have the courage to say *life is perfect*.
to sum up the whole review , your work is *perfect*.
*round of applause*!
I love this! It is great! Each line has it's own distinctive importance which I love, and your use of flow is really quite lovely so I can read the words very clearly. You also seem to have an amazing vocabulary that shines through every line. I think you that your use of metaphors, and other techniques, make this poem a memorable. I wish all poems on YWS are like this; it's such a nice little thing you got there. You have immense talent. You have demonstrated that talent.
Hiya! Here as requested =) I've put your poem into the spoiler.
Every step planned, every movement precise#0040FF ">,
).
Spoiler
like a perfectly executed dance.
Nothing #4040FF ">(is) out of place, out of ordinary,
everything is as it should be #0040FF ">; or -
And my life is perfect.
#FF0000 ">- I like the beginning, it's like seeing somebody check out notes on a list. I'm unsure about the comma uses at times however. The commas I think are not well placed are in blue color together with a few personal corrections. Just a note, it's my personal opinion and it might not sound the same to you, so don't take it to heart in case it goes against your way. I'm just trying to help by pointing out what I think =)
The path to be traveled#0040FF ">, (is) already laid out,
it's the path of#BF0000 ">t(?) taken, clear and known.
No twists and turns along the way#0040FF ">,
I #0040FF ">(just) move on#0040FF ">, without any hurdles#0040FF ">; or -
And my life is perfect.
Sensible decisions are taken, choices are made,
at the price of dreams and hopes, #0040FF ">- I feel bitter about the rhythm between the two verses here. The 'choices are made' seem to not be well placed or the second verse is just out of the set up rhythm.
which #0040FF ">(that) are burned and buried away.
I move on#0040FF ">, doing the right thing. #0040FF ">; or -
And my life is perfect.
The dreams are gone, nothing remains,
but the emptiness of the soul
and perpetual darkness.
I move on, a hollow, lifeless shell. #0000FF ">; or -
And my life is perfect.
#FF0000 ">- The conclusion you get to is actually good. Your verses are simple and very easy to understand, you move slowly and give us the conclusion of a lifeless shell and its perfection. I like the way you did this poem in comparison to the previous one I reviewed for you. Despite some of my corrections in blue (that are my own opinion about rhythm) you definitely got better, congratulations! =)
Actually, this is probably the best work I've seen from you up to date. Once again, congratulations on improving. There are a few places I didn't really feel happy about (hence the spoiler), but it's not bad at all and that's good in my dictionary =) I will wish you luck to keep improving and get my eyes on a work I'd admit is actually good (and good means great in my dictionary
Best regards,
~Shinda
It takes that 'godamn strength' to say that 'my life is awesome'. And this is a very brave poem.
At some point I also got the feeling that you were being sarcastic about 'a life without dreams being perfect' and meant to say that its easy to live a 'peaceful life' without taking that high road full of dreams and hopes, and avoiding the struggle in life by taking the easy way out.
So, I'm caught somewhere between these two interpretations of this poem. P.S : You have my applause
Heeeey phoenix!! *huggles*
How are you dear? =) I'm here to review this poem for you today (obviously, why else would I be writing in this thing OO)
Lol anyway, I haven't reviewed in quite a while so please excuse me if this isn't helpful at all or doesn't make sense. Okay so here I go (with an annoying brother next to me who just won't shut up!!!!!! OO) It's making my mind go all freaky OO But anyway I'm babbling too much again XD ahaha excuse my weirdness *ahem*
Okay so I want to start off with saying that I really liked this poem. It was deep for sure! XD So congratulations on that! I especially loved how you ended this poem.
<3
I love the idea behind this and you worked it out great. Couldn't find any grammatical errors nor things I'd change.
Great work and keep writing.
Hope this was a bit helpful XD
-qaralynn-
WOW! This was REALLY good! I loved how at the end, where the person's life is a 'lifeless shell' but it still says 'And my life is perfect'. I literally can't think of anything to make it better! The rhythm, the words and the idea were perfect. Basically, it seems like everything is perfect apart from the person's life. I really liked how the poem evolved over the four stanzas from something that seems totally normal (if not a bit too perfect) into something that was actually quite sad. It was great that you took a simple idea like that and made it into something more. Brilliant!
-Anna