Published August 6, 2011
Maybe one day i'll look down the memory lane
And say,
It was a teenage thing
But right now
It hurts so much i cant breath
Maybe one day i'll think
How childish i was, how naive
But right now
All i want is to hold you forever
Maybe one day i'll smile
And say
It was not worth the anger
But right now
The green monster of envy
Is eating my insides
Maybe one day, years later
I will say
It was just a teenage crush
But right now,
It feels like love.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,526 Literary Works • 672,041 Reviews
That is amazing! The whole point of it is great, It's a quite beautifull peice.
I like how you describe it as a story how in the future you will look back and think that was just a teeneage thing, and how it might just be a crush but right now it's love! Wow i love this poem!
Keep up the good work you have talent
Hey
Lovely written poem you got there!
But, you see, you really got to work on you're capitals! :S
Abilities of the poem:
*Amazing Poem.
*A meaningful Poem.
*It has a Strong Potential in it.
*Very touchy.
Corrections:
As I read down, the capitals were all correct.
Good Job.
* applause's*
=D
Keep writing!
Would give this a 8/10.
Cheers and Love,
Cookie or LM
P.S: Wall Post me when you've got new poems submitted and I shall be the first one to review it! xD
Aw! I think you've captured a great emotion and idea here. The feeling that teenage love isn't supposed to be anything, but feels like everything. I like the way you ended it, on love, it's a good way to end things.
I can only say.. As Frost says
I left you in the morning,
And in the morning glow,
You walked a way beside me
To make me sad to go.
Do you know me in the gloaming,
Gaunt and dusty gray with roaming?
Are you dumb because you know me not,
Or dumb because you know?
All for me? And not a question
For the faded flowers gay
That could take me from beside you
For the ages of a day?
They are yours, and be the measure
Of their worth for you to treasure,
The measure of the little while
That I've been long away.
Yeesh - Capitals dude!
No, that was a boring beginning, let's start with, Hi, I'm Demoness and I like capitals! Here comes a review;
Okay, so I like your idea, and the topic and all of that! You manage to deliver your message quite well, It could've been better though, more imagery for one! Some lines are quite poor and makes the read a little dull. I like the fact though, that the narrator feels like every emotion and every little thing is the biggest thing of the world, because that's really what it is to be a teenager - Everything is enlarged! So that's real good. I also like the ending, it was both sweet, sad and cute and hopeful at the sametime.
Oh, here comes another editable thing - Structure, this is my favorite subject to point out it seems, I'm bugged when lines differ in size, it bugs the flow to me so here I go; The lines differ in size!!! It bugs the flow!! You made a great job with this most of the part though so I won't be too harsh, but it's espacially the first two lines
Overall, Nice job, I like the idea, it just needs some polishing - you get 3/5 icky spiders (Y)
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
Phoenix23,
Feels like a bucket of barnyard slop to me.
This poem hardly sends a message. What is it about your love that makes you disregard your internal systems of logic, which are clearly warning you against it? What makes this relationship so special?
If this piece is designed to appeal to people who are 14 years old - not older, not younger - then congratulations, you have succeeded in alienating everyone else. Waxing endlessly about how much you love someone only bores the rest of us who have to waste five seconds of our life reading this dribbling. Make your theme appeal to more than a few select people. If you want to establish a sort of nostalgia, expand on how one's cultural consciousness and interactions change over time.
But not this. This is useless. Get rid of it.
Hope that helped,
Galerius
Damn, this was a good piece. I was just about to click "back", but then it dawned on me. This was a very good piece, well done and continue writing stuff like this!
Hi I'm apple
Okay I don't write poetry but I do enjoy reading it. I loved the poem, especially the last few lines, but did notice that the capitalisation needs to be edited.
Keep writing and I hope to read more of your work soon!
Hey Mikko thanks for the corrections. It will sure help me in the future.
A little dramatic at times but very insightful. When I first started I was like "Nooo" but then once I realised where it was going and the self awareness of the piece I really enjoyed it.
It reminded me of crushes I when I was younger, I don't remember feeling anywhere near that strongly, but I was always a fairly precocious child. I can certianly still relate.
Good stuff!
There. I just thought you needed to touch up on those little things. You didn't use much punctuation and it makes the poem seem errrm 'rhythmless' (is that even a word?) and you don't like capitalising your "I's". Last thing is that I thought seperating your poem into stanzas would give us a clearer picture because each "Maybe one day..." starts a new idea.
Apart from that, I can say you did a good job with the poem's feeling and tone and because I can relate to it.
Nice job and keep them coming!
Welcome to YWS by the way!
AWWW, I like it so much! You had a firm theme all throughout the poem, which was very clear and added a lot. I really can't find much wrong with it - except, maybe, for the whole capital I thing, that sort of bugged me. But the poem itself was just so... well, cute and naive and well written, that it didn't bother me all that much. I like how you repeated that line, but I loved the ending the most! Great job!!!
RedHead