A Faded Memory
Are you standing beside me?
Or
A million miles away?
So here is your body
But where
Is your soul?
I wonder if it floated away
To glisten amongst the stars
And was replaced with
A monstrous creature
Twisted by hate.
I look into your eyes
Peer through the window
See if i can sieze a glimpse
Of what used to shine there.
But all that i can see
Is a faded memory.
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Canary word: Present
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In general, I thought the ideas of this first bit were a little too obvious; there wasn't much to chew on the second time through. I love the idea of a faded memory inside a person otherwise empty, but I think you can take it one step further and make it a little more abstract. I think it would be interesting if you spent more time literally talking about peering through someone's eyes; that's where the strong, gut-wrenching imagery can come from.
There seem to be three parts to this:
-Lines one through six appear to question where the missing person has gone
-Lines seven through eleven talk about the soul being replaced by something bad
-Lines twelve to the end seem to talk about looking through the person's eyes to see that they're empty inside, with just the faded memory of a soul.
The second part in the list above doesn't seem to fit; it contradicts the others because the first and third parts allude that nothing more than a shadow is left in the person, yet the second part seems to be saying that there is something evil there instead. I don't like the first part so much because it's all questions, which don't give as much an idea of the feeling behind them.
Personally, I think it would be interesting to take just the part:
And see how you can expandthat itself into a poem. (You might also want to run the whole thing through a spell check and capitalize the word "I"; another quick note on formatting, the italics of the whole poem are interesting, but a tad unnecessary, and might be better reserved for emphasis rather than generality. But that's just my opinion ^_^)
feel free to PM me if you have any questions!
-Amelia