Young Writers Society

Wow, I was trying to critique one of your things as repayment for you critiquing one of mine but this is really good. I'll try with the next poem you post.

i like this you really show the emotion

lulu

this is lovely i very rarely get to say that, but it truely is.

I’ve always been a cautious lover,
more justice than fortune, with an eye to the scales. [nice allusion to the justice system]
You should know then [maybe break the line here instead]
that I loved you [unbreak]from the first.
[break]I fought it, but you won. is there a better word for fought and won? maybe revolted (hense, American Revolution).
I feared heartbreak [s]again[/s], but you’ve lulled me,
spinning ghost stories and fairytales
out of the textbook sludge[good word], refining the dust
to sugar-webs and latticework
laid over white marble.

[s]Sometimes I think[/s] Perhaps you are the embodiment of Time.
[s]or that[/s] You are [s]some[/s] stone bamboo, or some foreign wood,
that a gardener [s]has[/s] hybridized until Gothic tracework
[s]springs[/s] sprung forth from steel bars, the perfect child
of old and new, structure and aesthetics.
There was always something dead about the others,
but there is muscle over your bone.

Whatever you are, I am never more alive
than when I am shooting through your veins,
pouring [im not sold on this word] color into your marble face and
wondering what it is you inhale.

I. i like the references to Washington's function.

II. ok, so we have structure that melts into embodyment, nice transition.

III. embodiment. i would've liked to hear something about the heart of Washington, but it's not neccessary.

Overall, great transition between stanzas, great imagry, and awesome poem.

Thank you both! ^^ I see what you both mean about the dash in the first line, and the second-verse-cum-run-on. I'll see what I can do when it comes to version ii, yes? ^^

That was beautiful. Lovely flow, excellent structure and pacing. I can safely say that's the best poem I've read today

In fact, I can't really find much to critique. I agree with Jabber that perhaps the first line should have a dash instead of a comma, to make the meaning plainer, although I think you should leave the comma in the second line as it needs a pause there. The second verse was something of a massive run-on sentence, so you could maybe fiddle with that a bit and see if you can't break it up a little. I also think there should be one more word in that last line; something like "wondering what it is that you inhale" just to keep with the rhythm.

Otherwise, an exceptional poem. Kudos

Cheers,
~bubbles

Hello, Phoebe, my friend! Sweet, I'm the first poster! I get first dibs!

I’ve always been a cautious lover,
more justice than fortune, with an eye to the scales.

You should know then that I loved you
from the first.

I fought it, but you won.

...refining the dust
to sugar-webs, and latticework
laid over white marble.

...Gothic tracework
springs forth from steel bars, the perfect child
of old and new, structure and aesthetics.

...pouring color into your marble face, and
wondering what it is you inhale.