The Infamous Leader
By: Philip Langreck
In 621, two years after the Tang Dynasty was established, a baby boy was born. Peng (Philip), that was his name, nobody never knew his last name but everyone knew the rest of his story. The family that adopted him said that they found Peng outside of a burning house crying and crying. They carried him away from the burning house, well, it wasn’t really a house it was more of a hut. So the family adopted him. They wanted to have a kid but they knew it was unlikely that the birth would be successful. Peng’s new parent’s were Zhang Wei (his dad) and Zhang Liling (his mom) and of course they named him, Zhang Peng. They weren’t rich but they weren’t poor. They fed him and gave him a warm and cozy house. Peng had brown eyes and blackish brown hair. They practiced Buddhism daily by meditating a lot. They would let Peng also practice at certain times, they would have him mediate some times and they told him not to desire things, don’t be selfish, and don’t lie. They also told him the story of Prince Siddhartha. Lastly, they told Peng to not gossip or make rumors (those are the main ways of Buddhism).
Seven Years Later…
“Wake up, you’ll be late!” his mom said, “Coming!” Peng said rushing to his mom. “Sorry mom, just getting ready”, “It’s fine” his mom said. Then he walked to the door and said bye, he was heading to school. At school he learned about some of the history in China, like, a clock. He learned that the clock tells the time depending on the position of the sun (this was a recent invention). He also learned that the Great Wall of China was built in 206 A.D and it took 200 years to build, he also learned that iron was made by melting pig-iron so they could make tools and other stuff. Then during lunch Peng went to his friend (Ran) and said,”Hey what’s up?”, “Nothing just eating lunch, hey, did you know that rice was made in 4000 B.C!” Ran replied. “No, I didn’t, but man, that’s a long time ago.” Peng said. “Yeah”. After school when he got back home he ate some ox and some turnips on the wood dining table. Then his dad came in the room, “Hey son, what are you doing?”, “Nothing dad, why were you and mom out for so long, and where’s mom?” Peng said “She’s out getting her feet bounded.” His dad replied. “What?! She’s getting her feet bounded?!” “Yes, her mom made her, your grandma.” “Ok”. And that was that, many women would bound their feet because it was the beauty back then.
4 Weeks Later…
“Hi dad, what’s wrong?” Peng said, “I have something I need to tell you” his dad replied. “Yeah” Peng said nervously, “Mom died because of an infection in her left ankle.” his dad said while sobbing. He also told Peng that he was adopted and that he wasn’t his real dad and his mom wasn’t his real mom. Peng wanted to ask a lot of questions but he was so sad that his second mom died. Hours later, Peng didn’t want to be depressed because he knew that this day was going to change his life forever, so he was going to start working as hard as possible in school. After school he became a philosopher in science and his first job was to try and make a drink of immortality and he invented gunpowder. He realized that if gunpowder can explode, then you can shoot metal balls if you design the shooter (gun) well. About a month later he created a bamboo gun that would shoot a metal ball really quickly and it would even go through some pieces of metal. During that time there was a lot of floods and rain, so people decided to overthrow the emperor because of all the floods. But word was getting out in China that Peng invented a gun and fireworks so they decided to make him emperor because they thought Peng would make the God’s happy. After they made him emperor there weren’t any more floods and there was rain when it was necessary. He was so rich that he could eat anything he had a lot of sheep because he was a little skinny. He also had a lot of free time trying to push Buddhism to everyone in China, he would ask them to at least meditate from time to time. Peng was a kind and humble man.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,115 Literary Works • 673,019 Reviews
Well that took a turn near the end. "Your mom died and you're adopted". A little harsh. Anyways, I really like the story. The ending especially, when he becomes a philosopher, and then the people over throw the king and him ruler. I also really like how there were a lot facts just thrown in there. I wonder if you could maybe not sound so forced when you mention the facts, because I don't think eight year olds talk about the great wall of china, and clocks. I also wonder if you could have mentioned who they overthrew, because that would have been really easy, and it would have counted as another fact. Other than those two wonders, I really liked the story.
Hey, this was really good. A few things I want to point out, you might want to use more flowing words and making the sentences longer instead of keeping them all blocked up in short sentences. Also, I would recommend you not use the word "So" so much, hehe. And another thing, when two or more people are talking, you need to separate the people's sentences into separate paragraphs. Anyways, nice work!
I wonder if each time there is new dialogue you could space it out so we could see it more clearly. I wonder if you could make your first sentence,"In 621, two years after the Tang Dynasty was established, a baby boy was born." ,More hooking, like so it draws me into the story making me want to read it. I like how well you put the historical facts into the story. I wonder if you could space out your paragraphs more because right now it just looks like clumps of words.
Hey there, first review!
So I'm not going to nitpick all your little things here because you seem to have had a few issues in terms of formatting your work. I don't know if that's due to copy and pasting issues, but all your text (especially speech) is very clumped together and doesn't really make a whole lot of sense. A couple of rules of speech for you when you go about editing this:
Every time a new person speaks you need a new line. Every single time
So basically this
should look like this.
See how much easier that is to read?
Also, if you haven't got exclamation marks after speech you need a comma, like this:
Full stops after speech should also be within the speech marks, not outside. This website is pretty helpful if you're finding you're not really sure how to edit this. http://writingwithaesop.blogspot.co.uk/ ... peech.html
The main problem other than formatting that I had here was that you're racing through this story at top speed. Stop, breathe, take a step back and work out what you want to tell people. Try and write at a slower pace and not race to get everything down on paper. I think this is great as a plan, but you could definitely try to build on it.
Hope this helps somewhat,
Icy.