Young Writers Society

My story in process: It's a fantasy/comedy/romance type (mainly fantasy) and I could seriously use some critisim on it, the kind that picks it apart to shreds (so I can make it better).

And so, I give you the first chapter of Second Stall From the Right.

Kayton boarding school: the proud, prestigious, and elegant educational facility that was dedicated to refining the minds of youth. At the same time, this highly ranked school was complete hell for one specific student that resided in it.

It was the beginning of the second year of high school. Now, under some circumstances and (more often than not) you will often find mixed messages regarding this genre of education. It is sometimes acclaimed to be ‘the best years of your life’ or perhaps it’s ‘a chance to show your true potential’: the general statement that gets a vast amount of people to believe that the prime of their life will be spent there. Arella Trinington was one of many that were the exception to the rule. Never in her young life did she imagine that her daily routine would involve consistent trips to the most obscure places just to keep away from the unruly and brash students that seemed to surround her wherever she traveled.

Yet, here she was inside the janitor’s closet, sandwiched between a mop and a mound of old rags that smelled highly unpleasant, and looked as though they hadn’t been washed for quite some time. Though the mop was the closest thing she had to a friend in years.

Arella sighed, her breath scattering the dust in the air. Sure the cobwebs and high content of dust weren’t welcoming, the musty rotting smell of chemicals and small dead rodents wasn’t accommodating, but it sure beat being chastised by those higher on the food chain than one’s self.

“Then again, everything is higher on the food chain than me,” she thought solemnly. She sighed heavily again and buried her face into her dark fleece sweater, emerald green eyes clamped shut. She had been sitting here for a good hour or so, skipping gym rather than facing her problems.

Not that Arella minded - gym was the last thing on her list of favorite things. In fact, it wasn’t on the list at all; it was buried far, far away in the deep recesses of her mind.

Ever since the troubled little brunette moved into to this hellhole of a school, her life had been miserable. Going to Kayton boarding school was the last thing on her mind when she had been in middle school, when her grades were above average, when she had friends…

She shook her head abruptly, dispersing the painful memories from her head. Why this school still decided to keep her around was a mystery to Arella. She had a bad habit of skipping gym and math every day, although she was exceedingly talented in the area of history, arts, and languages, she had nothing else to her pathetic name. Even her beauty was washed away from her confidence for no boy had even looked at her, despite the fact that she was incredibly attractive. The upperclassmen girls had seen to that.

And as if by magic, a thunderous knock on the door interrupted Arella’s train of thought. She recoiled, folding into herself.

“Two guesses as to who it is,” she muttered.

“Hey freak, come out of the closet! Not that you need to, because you couldn’t catch a guy or a girl if they jumped right to you!”

Fits of laughter ensued from outside the door, and Arella was unsure of whether to laugh from the sheer stupidity of the comment, or cry because she had been found. She compromised by swearing under her breath. How had they found her? She must have been a wretched person in her past life to deserve this.

“I exist – therefore I offend,” she joked sarcastically in her mind.

Perhaps they’d go away. It really wasn’t too difficult to sit there and hope to whatever divine being above that they’d just leave her alone…

The sound of banging and dinging answered her prayer. Oh no, they weren’t just going to sit outside and destroy her self worth with mean and nasty language; they were going to pick the lock and do something to her.

Arella mentally crossed off ‘waiting it out’ inside her head and bit her lip as she struggled for a plan of action.

What could she possibly do? They were outside, waiting to pounce on her like some wild beasts. She needed out. PDQ. ASAP. Remembering to inhale, she envisioned the entire layout of the school inside her head. Photographic memory: a perk of hers that she had inherited from her father, down to the exact position of every little thing inside a room. She ran it through her mind at inhumane speed: the dorms, the lockers, the halls, the bathrooms-THE BATHROOMS! That was it! The schools bathrooms were incredibly luxurious, like having a home bathroom in a procession of stalls with a full door and handle that had no outside lock.

It was brilliant, no, more than brilliant! But it had to be fast. So without hesitation, she leapt up and eased her way to the door, grasping the icy bronze handle firmly in her sweaty palm.

With rapid movement, she twisted the knob open and thrust the door open, knocking the band of adolescent girls flat on their butts, thereby pissing them off even further.

This did two things. One: it embarrassed the hell out of the girls which was some considerable payback for Arella and two: it gave Arella some leeway to run as fast as humanly possible away from the scene.

She rushed forward at full speed down the corridor, making sharp turns to try and rid her of the predators that pursued her. In spite of herself, she laughed slightly at the thought of her being fast enough to join the track team.

“If only I didn’t detest running…”

“You’re dead!”

At the sound of the screech, Arella doubled her pace and hung a left at end of the hall. She sprinted madly in the next one, and finally darted into the girl’s lavatory.

The washroom was eerily silent. Marble counters and porcelain skins gleamed neatly as she pushed past them. Nearly ramming into the powder blue walls, she fumbled with the handle and tripped into the second stall from the right. Arella jumped to her feet, and slapped the door shut behind her.

And then it happened.

A monstrous howl emanated the surroundings of the cubicle and flooded her senses with utter shock. The brunette screamed as the pearly white tile fell away and everything slipped into darkness.

She was falling. Fast. Faster and faster she tumbled down into the void, not knowing how or why. It felt like an eternity of slipping into everlasting darkness.

All of a sudden, it was over. She was kneeling on the white tile in front of the commode. Arella loosened her grip on her sleeves and shakily stood.

“What the hell was that?” she shrieked mentally, “Did I faint? Did I hit my head on the bowl when I fell?”

Question upon question flooded her head, but what ever had happened, it wasn’t safe to assume that she was fine now. Arella’s doubt marched to the front of the line as she listened around her.

There was nothing. Silence. She had expected to hear the revolting voices of the girls that had chased her but she could hear no cries outside the door. Perhaps they were purposely being quiet though, just to trick her to come out.

Arella pressed an ear to the door and waited. Still nothing. Maybe she had blacked out, and then they had just left. Though she must have been out an awful long time if they had decided to leave.

Still unsure of what to do, she grasped the handle, and gently pushed the door open.

“No response,” she thought after awhile, and decided to poke her head outside.

What she saw nearly put her into cardiac arrest. Although the bands of girls were not standing outside her stall, neither was the bathroom. In fact, the school was completely gone, the whole surrounding area gone. What stood before her was unimaginable and very difficult to comprehend.

In front of her eyes lay a staircase leading all the way up to the platform the broken off stall was standing on. Lying at the foot was a mass of people, wearing very unusual looking clothes and very unusual looking expressions. The air was cleaner, the entirety of the scenery more vibrant and full of color and life. There were odd colored birds in the air, flying in twisting and complex patterns, and the sky was blue: real sky blue, stacked with fluffy cream clouds that slightly blocked out the sun.

Then someone approached. It was a man of an ancient face, but proud and walking as though he had never lost a day of his youth. His sapphire robes were draped loosely over his weathered form. They were elegant, but seemed not to be made of a pricey fabric. His moonlight beard gleamed, and his hair pinned to his back. The lines on his face gave him a fierce look, and he had the most piercing onyx eyes. He stood eye to eye with Arella, and then gave a half smile and turned to the crowd.

“I give you the chosen! Warrior of the kingdom of Caridon and the one who will save us from the great evil that has been brought upon us!”

The crowd roared. And at that exact moment, Arella fainted.

This is my first time posting a work to be critizized, so please DON'T go easy.