Beginning Notes: This is my novel (currently unfinished, and this is the rough version) that I hope to have finished by Halloween at the latest. It's almost done now, but I want to give myself as much time as possible.
A small summary: Demitri "Demi" O'Malley had strictly planned out his life earlier than most. Those who aged only ended up unhappy, so what was the point? An easy decision back then, but now Demi has to learn that it's not as simple to "never grow up" in high school.
Rating: PG for some upsetting moments later in the story.
I really want to keep this all in one thread. It's just easier for me.
---
Callow Conviction -Prologue
It was just past nine PM in the small town of Greenville, Massachusetts. Unlike the downtown area, whose lights would continue flashing well into the night, the smaller suburbs just at the edge of town resembled a painting of a peaceful haven for those who did not care to live too close to the excitement of the city.
However, just because most of Crescent Road was silent when looked at from afar did not quite mean that all was well.
This story centers on the source of that rare din of angry voices, a small house at the end of the street. The illusion of flawless serenity has been shattered by this one house, but had only disrupted the life of one small child.
And how this affected his life is a very interesting story to tell.
Demitri O’Malley was not an ignorant little boy. He knew very well that people thought he was, and he never bothered to prove them wrong. The seven year old found that his life was better if he just kept his mouth shut, and that was what he was doing at this moment. There was no one to talk to anyway.
“Do not tell me that I don’t know about hard work, Jonathan! Don’t you dare tell me that!”
“All I was saying is that you don’t seem to understand that I know about hard work! That’s all I was--”
“I know what you were saying!”
“I don’t think you ever will if you keep interrupting me!”
All Demitri could do curl up and wait it out. His bedtime was eight-thirty. This one was a long one.
Finally, the voices died down enough so that Demitri could only hear unintelligible murmurs, tinged with bitterness but none of the malice that the previous shouting match had contained. Still Demitri could only cower until he was sure it was over, his hazel eyes watering with frightened tears. He pulled his pillow over his head to drown out any additional noise.
This had been happening for as long as the little boy could remember. His parents, bitter and overworked, tended to take out their stress on one another unbearable bickering, leading one to believe that the love in their marriage -- if there had been any at all -- had faded away shortly after Demitri was born, prompting his mother to get a second job and his father to work longer hours.
Despite this, Jonathan and Elizabeth O’Malley gave whatever love and affection they had left in them to their son, and tried to keep their problems to themselves. Demitri hadn’t the heart to tell them they weren’t succeeding.
They told him how wonderfully he was growing up, and when he turned seven he was terrified of hearing those comments, not that he would say anything. Growing up, growing up to be like his parents. His parents were so stressed and unhappy, they were angry all the time. And though poor Demitri tried to convince himself otherwise, he knew he was going to end up the same way. Unless, of course, he did something about it.
At that very revelation, it was decided. Demitri O’Malley was never going to end up like his parents, no matter how old he got. He wasn’t going to be unhappy anymore, he wasn’t going to let any of those arguments get to him, he wasn’t going to be bitter for the rest of his life.
He would do as he pleased and have as much fun as he could, and convince himself that he had all the time in the world to enjoy his life.
Demitri O’Malley wasn’t, under any circumstances, going to let himself grow up.
---
Post-Note: I know there is no such town as Greenville, Massachusetts. Sort of a portmanteau of Greenfield and Granville.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Hey Phantom =]
I'm sorry that it's taken me this long to review this for you, but I've been taking a month long break from YWS. This may explain why this review is so short - I can't honestly find any mistakes. That maybe either because there simply aren't any, or that I've forgotten how to pick mistakes out lol I think it's the first, though.
I like the new character, Charlotte. I like the way she interacts with Demi at first and I think she'll be an interesting character to follow.
Sorry for the short review. I'm looking forward to the next part =]
xDudettex
All right, here is chapter two.
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Chapter Two
School: So Far, So Grotesque
The first day of school went by exactly as it always had since the school system began: children gave up any free time they had to learn things that they were most likely not remotely interested in. However, there were the select few who actually enjoyed being at school, if only because it gave them something to do.
And thus, Charlotte Benson was taking this day to a new extreme.
At the end of her eighth grade year, she had applied to be on the Greenville High newspaper. Lucky for all those involved, she got the ‘job’ and as soon as she set foot in the school, she was at work. It was only the first day, she knew that very well, but there was always a story somewhere. Charlotte was going to find it if it killed her.
Charlotte Benson always, always, always gets her scoop.
With her sleek Sony Cybershot hanging safely from her wrist, Charlotte had been inconspicuously searching for anything to photograph or write down that wasn’t just mindless gossip. No, she needed something of merit, something that would show that editor exactly what she was capable of.
Sadly, though, nothing of the sort had come her way yet. When the bell rang for lunch, Charlotte almost sprinted to her locker to put her books away. If anything is going to happen, it’s going to happen in the cafeteria, she thought.
Entering the combination, Charlotte opened the locker and realized she’d have to put her camera down in order to stuff her bulky binder into the damn thing. She gently set it down on the pale peach tiles of the school and finished her task, and when reaching for it again she felt…nothing.
Someone had stolen her camera!
Turning around frantically, she received a horribly bright flash right in her face. The red head lifted up her glasses to rub her eyes.
“Surprise!” Damn. It was that kid from the bus stop. As soon as she could see clearly, Charlotte’s face went red.
“You little freak!” She screeched, “give that back!”
“I’s just lookin’ at it.” The boy gave her an innocent, hazel stare before turning the camera over in his hands. “It’s neat.”
Charlotte held out her hand and gave him a hard stare. “Give it.”
The boy frowned, but gave it to her and crossed his arms. “You’re a poor sport.”
“Yeah?” Charlotte didn’t even know why she was still talking to this guy. She didn’t even know his name, as he’d never told her and he wasn’t in any of her classes. “How would you like it if I took your hat?”
The boy grabbed said hat immediately and took it off, revealing a mass of shaggy black hair. He stared at the accessory before looking back at her with that innocent face of his. “Did you want to see it?”
Charlotte let out a sigh of exasperation. Was it just her, or did he completely miss her point?
“No,” she sighed, “look, uh…”
“Demi,” he told her.
“Right.” Like she cared. “Anyway, Demi, I really have to go to lunch now, all right? I need some breaking news ASAP. So put your hat back on, and go do…whatever it is that you do, hm?”
Demi seemed to think for a second. “Well I’mma go eat lunch too. Kinda necessary for survival, y’know?”
Charlotte inwardly groaned. “Well, you go do that, okay? I have work to do.” And with that, she stalked off, but she wasn’t quite sure whether it was towards her story, or just far, far away from him.
---
The thing about school food is that apparently it’s quantity, not quality that counts. As Demi looked at his oddly colored Macaroni and Cheese, he really wondered who was going to eat who. Just to ensure his safety, he stabbed it thoroughly before taking a bite.
He grimaced and spit it out in a napkin, deciding that it had deserved to die. It tasted like feet.
“I think I’ll bring my lunch from now on,” he muttered, picking up his tray and walking over to the trash cans. The only food item he spared was an apple, the one thing on his tray that he was certain the lunch lady hadn’t made herself. He stuffed the fruit in his pocket as he got closer to the garbage, or at least he thought he did. Turns out it didn’t quite make it in, and at that moment a sophomore stepped on it, tripping unexpectedly until he landed face down on the floor. Luckily, his lunch tray had saved his face, cushioning it with the entrée of the day.
The angry sophomore heaved himself off the ground, and when Demi saw his face, he laughed slightly.
Demi realized at that moment that that was a very, very stupid thing to do.
“You laughing at me, freshman?” The sophomore stood up, and Demi realized how much taller the boy was. He gulped.
“No,” Demi said quietly, “no I am not.”
“Sure sounded like you were laughing.” The sophomore only grew more intimidating, and Demi shrank back. “Were you?”
“Maybe a little…” This marked Demi’s second big mistake of the day.
“Well then,” the sophomore smirked, “let’s see if this stuff looks as amusing on you as it does on me, shall we?”
And that exchange was why Demi O’Malley now found himself in the bathroom, trying to pick Macaroni and Mashed potatoes out of his hair. At least the guy had been kind enough to take off the hat first. His parents would massacre him if it got covered in school food.
As he was picking the last glob of potatoes from his bangs, he heard a series of beeps that marked the end of lunch. He deflated.
He was covered in his lunch, and he was late for class. This was just fantastic.
---
And another character introduction has now taken place. Meet Charlotte.
You may now have noticed that Demi's not very...articulate? In his speech, I mean. He sort of blends/slurs his words together.
Heya! I haven't read Dudette's review so sorry if I repeat anything ^_^
So if you actually read this sentence, the 'that' would refer to 'getting out of bed at 7:45' which doesn't make sense. So to fix that, you could replace 'that' with 'sleeping in.' Or something.
*which hat
*hat
Again it's not clear what 'that' is referring to, especially in the next sentence. I'd rephrase so that it's clear exactly what his mother hates.
Is it Jeffries or Jefferies? You used both at least twice.
Yeah...I don't like the last sentence either. I'd even suggest cutting it out, and ending on "Here!" (at least for now.)
Anyway, I like Demi - he's weird enough to be different, but he's also very sympathetic which is good; it's almost impossible not to want him to succeed in everything he does. I think this was a nice way of introducing the setting as well. What I think your main problem is is the actual wording. Sometimes it sounds a little off, or phrased awkwardly, or whatever, so I suggest checking it over (I'm sure you did this many times, but you can never do it too much) and even reading it out loud, because sometimes if you're reading it in your head you see what you expect to see, whereas when you're actually forcing your mouth to say the words you can hear what sounds good and what doesn't.
-Mars
How in the world did I miss that? I checked over it like, four times! XDD
These mistakes you're pointing out are so simple it's embarrassing. Ugh.
And yeah my description of settings and background characters are lacking (to put it mildly).
But I'm glad you like Demi! I tried to keep that little-kid mentality as much as I could, but he straddles between immature and downright weird.
I surely will! Thanks for the review~
Hey Phanny =]
Thanks for the PM!
I'm going to go through this as I read, okay?
Now - onto the review!
I think you should add in 'had' after 'he' or make 'he' - 'he'd'
I think 'had' should be 'hat'
Instead of writing 'that' I think it would be better if you actually wrote what his mother hated, i.e. him using jesus's and God's names in vain.
I don't know if it's just me or the fact that I'm British, but this sentence read a little awkwardly to me. I would suggest perhaps re-wording it to something along the lines of; 'Demi got to his stop just in time, having ran and then gone into a headfirst slide on the last stretch of sidewalk.' Of course you may choose to totally ignore me - sometimes I pick up on things and make them worse
I think 'at' would be better as 'to'
So...
I really liked this!
I hope that this review has been of some help to you
Once again, can you please PM me when you post the next chapter?
Thanks!
xDudettex
Thanks for the help, all of you!
I've decided to put one actual chapter up before leaving it be for a good few days. Chapter one has more character introduction than anything else, and I think it'll help give a full feel of what the story is going to be like.
After this chapter, I'll go ahead and wait a few days/a week before I post again. I don't wanna flood the forum or anything.
---
Chapter One
Demi O’Malley: Full Of Childlike Wonder
Once again, Crescent Road awoke from a peaceful evening, and the bustle of activity that followed was pretty much the same as every other day, save for the fact that it was the very first day of school. Now, most kids weren’t even out of bed at seven forty-five in the morning, but for the select few that had an early bus to catch, that was a luxury they no longer had. However, just because those kids were awake did not mean they were actually ready for school.
“Demitri O’Malley! You get down here before you miss your bus!”
Demi semi-ignored his mother’s call as he looked through his closet, finally deciding what hat he would wear that day: the cap his grandfather had when he was in the Navy. It had a few ribbons and odd adornments that he could never identify, and when he’d asked his grandpa about them, he started to tell him, but then rambled on about how much coal mine workers made in 1942.
Demi adjusted his had to an angle that suited him, and checked over himself once again.
“Demitri, I swear if you miss that bus you are walking to school!” Demi heard his mother’s footsteps coming up the stairs, and part of him began to panic. If he didn’t leave right now he was going to get it for sure.
That, and the high school was twenty blocks away from his house.
“I’m coming! Jesus…” He muttered as he met his mother on the stairs.
“What was that?” Elizabeth O’Malley raised a thin black eyebrow and gazed at her son with hazel eyes that matched the boy’s perfectly.
“Uh…nothing.” Demi bit his tongue, berating himself for saying that in front of his mother. He knew how she hated that.
Elizabeth shook her head. “Just get to the bus stop,” she told him, “you’ve got…” Elizabeth looked at her watch. “Five minutes.”
Demi’s eyes widened. He couldn’t be late for his first day of high school! He rushed down the stairs, almost tripping over his own feet.
“Don’t run on the--” His mother called after him, but Demi had already left the house. “--stairs.”
The woman let out a tired sigh, especially after Demi bolted back into the house.
“Forgot my backpack!” He shouted as he left again.
‘Oh, Demi.’ Elizabeth thought, frustrated ‘what am I going to do with you?’
---
Demi got to his stop just in time, having run there and going into a headfirst slide on the last stretch of sidewalk. As he heard the school bus wheeze down the road, he saw that his nose was inches away from a pair of pink (and rather worn out) converse shoes. He hauled himself off the ground and met the eyes of the owner of said shoes, and saw that she was looking at him as though he had a second head.
“Hi!” Demi said, ignoring the startled look on the girl’s face, “what’s your name, huh?”
“Uhm,” the girl paused before giving him an answer, looking a little afraid. “Charlotte.”
“Charlotte,” Demi repeated the name of the frizzy-haired redhead, “I like it.”
“Great.” The girl said, turning away from him. Demi deflated a bit, but recovered in an instant.
“So,” Demi looked at the object around the girl’s neck, “what’s the camera for?”
Before Charlotte could answer, the bus finally arrived at the stop and screeched to a halt. The doors swung open, and Charlotte let out what almost sounded like a sigh of relief.
Pausing before stepping on the bus himself, Demi cocked his head to the side curiously. Was it something he said? He clutched his binder to his chest and got on the bus without a word. She was probably boring anyway.
---
“Ogden?”
“Here!”
“Oliver?”
“Here!”
“O’Malley?” The teacher’s monotonous tone went unnoticed by Demi, who was currently spaced out in what he called “Demi-land“. He’d tuned the voice out as soon as he realized that he was going to fall asleep if he didn’t.
“Demitri O’Malley?” The teacher, Mr. Jeffries, called once more. It was only when Malcolm Shortman, a boy who had gone to the same middle school as Demi, kicked him in the shin to get his attention.
“Ow!” Demi glared at Malcolm, who pointed at the front of the class urgently. Demi muttered “jerk,” before looking at the front of the class to see the teacher looking right at him.
“Hello.” Demi said, causing some of the students to giggle quietly.
“Are you Mr. O’Malley?” Mr. Jeffries asked, not nearly as amused as his students.
“Yes, sir. Demi O’Malley,” Demi tipped his hat slightly. “At your service.”
“Well, Demi,” Mr. Jefferies uttered the name with a hint of irritation, “your services may start by taking off that hat.”
Demi was silent for a moment, then spoke, “can I not? I like this one the best.”
Mr. Jeffries quirked a brow, not ever having anyone refuse such a simple request.
“Just finish calling roll, Mister,” said a girl up front that Demi also knew from middle school, but her name escaped him. “He ain’t gonna take off the hat.”
Mr. Jefferies turned to Demi once again, and the boy grinned. Shaking his white-haired head, the teacher let out a resigned sigh. This kid was going to give him trouble, he just knew it. He looked back at his roll sheet, decided not to waste time lingering on the subject.
“Perez?”
“Here!”
And at this, Demi O’Malley’s first day of high school had but barely begun.
--
Gonna go ahead and say that the sentence that ended this chapter does not please me at all, but I'm stuck with it until I think of something better. Any ideas?
Note: Demi has a hat for every day, for every occassion. I don't think even he knows why.
Hello there!
I'll start by saying the same thing the others said: The beginning just isn't working.
Once you get to the actual story, it's pretty good. You have set this up very nicely for an interesting story. I would never be able to write this without him commiting suicide to prevent growing up. This has real potential and I look forward to reading the rest when it is released.
Yeah. Honestly, it's always kind of bothers me. too. Weird, I know. [Then why is it even in there?]
I don't exactly want to cut it until I've got something to replace it with, a little. My mom (a professional editor herself) told me just the thing you did. It just didn't feel right to me to jump into the story right away. I'm finding away to make a shorter sort of beginning, a much smoother one. If that's not possible, then I'll just take it out, it is rather unnecessary.
Thanks muchly, I think I'm getting it through my head. Just having my mother tell me didn't seem to be enough, so an outside source is what I needed.
And yes, it will take place in high school, but I couldn't just chuck the character in there right away with that Peter Pan-ish mindset without showing how he got that way.
xDudettex: Neat! I still watch it, because I have yet to be too mature for cartoons.
I'll be sure to PM you when I do. If you don't count the prologue, I have the first nine chapters typed up on my computer. Just need to look over them some more before I put them up.
Thank you both for the crits, I really needed 'em.
Hey PhantomInvador =]
Welcome to YWS!
I love your avatar - I used to love watching Danny Phantom
Anyway... I couldn't find any grammatical mistakes whilst reading this - so good job there =]
But I must say that I agree with Mars in that I don't know how much the style that you started with suits the story. This may just be because this is the prologue though - so I'll give the story the benefit of the doubt here.
I think you have succeeded in introducing 'Demi' and his parents well. I immediately felt sorry for him when I found out that his parents argue all the time.
So he doesn't ever want to grow up? Cool. Can't wait to see how that idea works out for him.
Can you please PM me when you post the first chapter?
Thanks for the read =]
xDudettex
Hey Phantom! Welcome to YWS!
Yeah. So. I really hate the 'this story' sort of set up. 'This story will...' It's boring, unnecessary and takes the reader out of the actual story. I'd cut it.
Also, it's a bit odd that this part is in present tense, unlike the parts before and after, which are in past tense. It should at least be 'The illusion of flawless serenity had been shattered, but had only...' I like the style that you're going for there - sort of like zooming in at the beginning of a movie - but it just doesn't work.
Otherwise, I think it was good; you've introduced Demitri and his parents well, and I like knowing what he was like as a little boy (as you've said that this will take place during high school?) and it was written well; actually, I'm interested to see how this plot develops. Peter Pan-ish. Resisting change is always unsuccessful...anyway, nice job!
PM me if you have questions or need anything.
-Mars
(Also, I definitely spent the majority of my summers around Greenfield, Mass.