Cursed Hunter Chronicles

Hey Xavier. I actually read this over once for him in real life. I gave him minor tips. Although, he doesn't always listen to me! Right, Xavier?

Hey. I usually just annotate the story using my initial thoughts. I hope I don't come across as harsh. I'm just letting you know what I'm thinking as your reader.

"I sat down in the tavern in my True Rathalos Armor waiting for my friends to get their supplies needed for the Quest we were about to go on. A quest that will change my life forever."

--I think you could cut out "needed for the quest we were about to go on" and "A quest that will change my life forever". When I read that, I thought, "yeah, yeah. We know . . ." It just seemed like a lousy way of building suspense or whatever you wanted that to do. I remember the first story I ever wrote contained that very line in the first paragraph, almost word for word! Anyway, the sentences would flow better if that part wasn't there. What would the reader stand to lose? Knowing your protagonist is about to go on a life-changing quest? If they can't deduce that for themselves very early on then doom on them, I say.

"I anxiously stared at the great sword that i had chosen to bring on the Cursed Rathalos quest we were about to go on"

--So you should know what I am going to say. I read on and you mentioned the quest in the adjacent sentence. Cut the last 7 words, or even close that sentence after "chosen".

"Cursed Rathalos' were the g- rank Urgent Quests that everyone went on to be able to move onto the A- Ranked Quests that were the hardest of all of them. They mainly consisted of Elder Dragons that were Stronger than anyone would imagine."

--Take out all of this. Way too much talk of quests. It's also majorly halting your story. Always ask yourself, "do my readers need to know this RIGHT NOW?" If they don't (and be honest), cut the infodumps and let the reader gather the information along the way. Just as an example of how disruptive your infodumps can be, read this.

"I sat down in the tavern in my True Rathalos Armor waiting for my friends to get their supplies. I anxiously stared at the great sword that i had chosen. The Akantor great sword pulsed with power that soon would be released."

--These are the only sentences in your opening paragraph that give your readers story. The rest is education, things you think your reader needs to know now, but they don't. I can't speak for all writers, but I can safely say that a lot of them make this mistake from time to time. We all want our readers to know and understand the worlds we create, but it really does have to happen at a gradual pace, or you'll risk scaring your readers away.

"It Takes time to be ready for a Cursed Rathalos. You get poisoned by that thing and you're a monster to everyone in the city." My friend Icy (Also known as Lewis) snapped."

--Maybe this is just my personal preference, but when a line of dialog is lengthy I think it's better to add your tag "Icy snapped" somewhere near the beginning, because the reader would just read that in a normal tone of voice and not have a clue who is talking / how it's being said until the end. Perhaps a brief description of body language before the dialog to build up his character a little before he talks may help you out here, too. For that matter, what are they even wearing, exactly? You said armor and that it took them three hours to put it on, but what kind of armor? I'm guessing fans from whatever this is based on will know but I can't picture anything besides the general knight's armor you see in movies. Oh, one last thing about this section. Cut out the part in parenthesis. It's unacceptable to give a character two names off the bat unless it's absolutely pivotal.

"I don't see any difference between cursed hunters and normal ones; we all breath the same air, and bleed the same blood." His girlfriend Verity Chirped

--I like this dialog. I'm unsure why, exactly. It's just awesome.

" Icy was using a Thundermaelstrom long sword made from Lagiacrus and Jinouga parts. He was fully equipped with Deviljho armor that pulsed with Demonic Strength. You could feel a force pushing you away whenever you were close to him. Verity was wearing her Sand Barioth armor with a Yama Tsukami bow strapped to her back;the quiver strapped to her waist for fast loading"

--There we go. This is what I wanted. Now I have an image of those two. I especially like the description of the force coming from Icy's armor. Nice. I don't so much mind the funky names, either. That's what fanfics are all about, really. I wouldn't recommend bogging the story down with such names in original pieces but since you expect your readers to have at least a basic knowledge of this world, you can bend the rules.

""But you have to think about it... have any of the Cursed hunters done any good? I heard one of them destroyed a guild hall!" Icy said turning to Verity."

--Again with the long dialog and the tag at the end. You have to reach the end to find out what's going on. Once we become familiar with each character's speech patterns and body language, this wont be so much of a problem. Right now it's confusing. Also, build on the body language. A lot of the time that tells us way more about the character than their dialog! Simply having the character turn to another after dialog is weak and gives us nothing.

""Where's Sarah?"I asked in an impatient tone."

--Again, weak. You can do better than flat out telling us he spoke in an impatient tone.

"Shes getting her dual swords sharpened and having armor gemmed for the up coming hunt." Icy said in my same tone.

--Remove "for the up coming hunt", he would assume they know that, and you should assume your readers will, too. And again, weak tag.

"I let out a low groan and started strapping mt great sword to my back"

--There are a lot of strange errors in your writing, things that should easily be caught even by just reading through slowly. I must advise you to check your work more carefully before you share it with others, simply because if you seem like you don't really care about your work (I'm not saying that's the case), then people might be reluctant to read your writing or even review it.

I have to go and do something now, but I will read the rest later and keep an eye out for another update from you. Keep at it

Evil

Okay: I try to be constructive in my reviews, but sorry if I'm a bit . . . harsh?

This story gives me the feeling that it's got something to do with a video game/computer game of some sort, what with all the fancy names and all.
It leaves a lot of space open at the beginning . . . like this is in the middle of a book, but the way Icy's introduced makes me think it isn't, actually the way they're all introduced.

Okay, I'm assuming this is your first time writing, if it isn't, then I assume that it's very near that.

Any way you put it, it's well done. Your grammar and spelling are really nice, and your style keeps me thinking of a really good writer friend of mine . . .

The story seems interesting, though I'm afraid that I don't understand what the whole 'fan fic' part is . . . sorry, I live under a rock.

But living under a rock is irrelevant, I can write! And that's important.

Overall, for one of your first tries(Which I am assuming this is) this is really good, a lot better than my first/ second / third tried . . . Ugh, where those embarrassing or what?!

Good work. I'd advise a bit more . . . detail, and it would be great.


Wanna know a secret to make it so that your writing doesn't seem like it was written by an inexperienced writer . . . ?
Put in detail. A beginning writer tends to speed things up too much, and the action becomes confusing. But don't let that discourage you, all writers go through that stage . . . one day you may be a great writer, just keep working, and who knows!