z

Young Writers Society



Desire

by PersephonesGarden


I see the ocean,

and I long to drink.

To take part in some new communion:

salty and just as holy as blood.

God, I want to devour,

For the world to drip down my throat,

pomegranate seeds clinging to my teeth:

raw and crimson.

Why did you put me in these bones?

They are only mine half the time, a cage the other, and

my heart- a bird trapped beneath my ribs.

I can feel it, the wings pulsing against my veins.

Sometimes I forget.

Forget why I am here,

along with this bird in my lungs.

but the world is a gift,

and consummation is the prize.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
82 Reviews

Points: 923
Reviews: 82

Donate
Fri Dec 15, 2023 1:00 am
View Likes
Ley wrote a review...



Hiya! Ley here to review.<3

First impressions... I saw the description of this poem, so I clicked it right away. I don't think you're even remotely crazy from this poem, either, by the way! :D My initial thought was that this poem flowed insanely smooth while I was reading it.

When I was reading this I felt... Ethereal, longing for more, kinda sad. This poem put me through so many different emotions-- but I was mostly focused on the word play and the descriptive language!

My favorite line/quote is...

my heart- a bird trapped beneath my ribs.

I can feel it, the wings pulsing against my veins.


I chose these two lines because you actually had me picturing a bird in someone's chest, flapping it's wings to make the chest rise and fall. It was the perfect way to enhance the dramatic theme you have going in this poem. Once again, the descriptive language is amazing!

Some things I would change would be...Not much, honestly. I wouldn't change anything written in the poem, but I do believe that it could benefit from some format and punctuation changes! I think in order to keep the same flow going you should either stick to lower-case or upper-case for the first words of each line! It would look way better, in my opinion.

I would also split the poem up into a few stanzas to make the reader pause and think after you get a point across! :)

Overall... This was an awesome read and I'm super glad you shared it with us! I can't wait to read more of your work in the future! Happy Writing~

With Love,
Leya






Thank you so much for the encouragement! I also love your suggestions for revision! I hadn%u2019t previously considered the capitalization of the lines, but I agree that it could really elevate the poem to have them be cohesive. Definitely something I%u2019ll keep in mind as I continue to write! Thank you!



User avatar
81 Reviews

Points: 308
Reviews: 81

Donate
Fri Dec 08, 2023 3:23 am
View Likes
ariah347 wrote a review...



Hey there persephonesgarden! Thanks again for the reviews on my novel. I'll start with saying I love your username and welcome again to YSW! Hope you enjoy it here! Poetry is my bread and butter so let's get into my commentary.

For starters, your poetic expression beautifully captures the paradox of existence, blending the desire for immersion in the vastness of the ocean with a yearning for a profound, almost spiritual connection. The metaphor of the ocean as a communion, both salty and holy, suggests a thirst for experience that goes beyond the physical. The imagery of devouring the world, with pomegranate seeds as vivid symbols, evokes a visceral and raw engagement with life.

The questioning about the constraints of the physical form, described as bones that are only momentarily yours, reflects a struggle with the limitations of the human experience. The metaphor of the heart as a caged bird beneath your ribs adds a poignant layer, capturing the tension between freedom and constraint. The sensation of wings against veins conveys a yearning for freedom..

The forgetting and rediscovery of purpose is described well here, and it is intertwined with the metaphorical bird in your lungs. The acknowledgment that the world is a gift at the end underscores a recognition of the inherent beauty in existence. The concluding idea of consummation as the prize implies a quest for fulfillment, a journey of savoring and fully embracing the richness of life.

This poem resonates with a deep undertone. It is very soul-searching like and had me reflecting on the meaning of life. Bravo! This has been dubbed with the term "wordery" (wizardry + words). Keep writing! Wishing you well wherever you are in the world,

╔═.♥.══════╗
With love, a
╚══════.♥.═╝






Thank so much for your review! I love the way you analyze the themes of the poem- it helps me to know I%u2019m actually communicating what I want to! I love getting reviews from you! Hope you have a nice day:D




sometimes i don't consider myself a poet but then i remember that i literally write poetry
— chikara