White Wash

Intriguing and very descriptive. An enjoyable read. I'm looking forward to the rest of it.

Sorry if this is a bit repetitive, but I decided to give this piece an in-depth review. The lengend is:
Red= Comments, suggestions
Bold = words that I think would work better than the ones I deleted. Sometimes I'll strikethrough words and put what I think would sound better next to them.
Here we go

Perra wrote:For my 555th post here (and with an even 60 reviews..), I decided to finally post something I wrote!
This is the first chapter of my NaNoWriMo, that's the only explanation I shall give at the moment.

Enjoy!

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Darkness ruled her. She felt nothing, heard nothing, saw nothing, smelt nothing, tasted nothing. Her senses were numbed, rendered useless. I love the whole nothing theme, but going through all of the senses is a bit overwhelming. Maybe just keep in the heard and felt part, take out the rest. Then say Her senses... All she knew that existed was the black emptiness around her [s]and Seira herself[/s]. New paragraph here Then, light began seeping into the world. Soft, wonderful, white light caressed her face. She could feel it, see it behind the lids of her eyes. Since she seems to be seeing for the first time, this should be way more dramatic. Maybe her eyes have trouble focusing, maybe she feels blinder with having the light than she did when she was in darkness. Keep in mind that darkness seems to be the only thing she's known so light would be a completely different experience They were closed? No wonder she couldn’t see anything. She opened them. Now she was no longer the only thing in existence. There was ground beneath her. Moving her hand, she felt the bumps and lumps, bits of dirt, rock, and leaves. She inhaled and fresh, clean air swelled into her lungs. Her ears picked up the reassuring sound of her sigh. With a deep breath she brought herself upright. The light touched everything now, and she could see that she was surrounded by pine trees that towered above her. Their smell was wonderful and green. She stood up. The colors of this world seemed to be whitewashed At first it seems though when you say green and everything, that there is color. Maybe instead say something like how everything was so bright it seemed to be bathed in white light, [s]but it did not matter[/s]. She began walking, her blue skirt rubbing up against her ankles.

Time did not matter to her here. She had no where to be and the sun, if there was a sun, was motionless and cast no shadows. It was as though time didn’t exist. [s]but life did[/s]. Squirrels and chipmunks ran around on the forest floor in front of Seira and cardinals and robins flew above her. The creatures cared not What didn't they care about? About time? be more specific. , and neither did Seria. Whatever was going on, it was separate from her and her existence here.

She stopped and listened. Running water. She moved towards the sound and found a quaint little brook. Okay, going back to the beginning, since she never heard anything or saw anything before this, she should act like a new born child. Clumsy, curious. Maybe instead of saying running water, say something tickled her ear. She swiveled her eyes around trying to find the source of the new sound... Then describe the water. Act as though you have just been born Bending down, she dipped her finger tips in the water, feeling the current brush against them. There was a rustle and she looked up. It just must be another critter[s]Just a bush[/s], she looked back to the water and her reflection Maybe have her fall back, away from the stream because she's surprised by her reflection. She doesn't know it's her because I assume she's never seen herself in a mirror. Maybe have her approach the river cautiously after she's fallen back in surprise and stare into the water, admiring the girl's (the one staring back at her) features. Straight brown hair framed a delicate face accentuated by hazel and blue irises. Her fingers played through her reflection’s hair. Another rustle, this one more urgent came from the bush across from her. She looked back up [s]at the bush[/s] alarmed. It was the same as before. She looked around her; no one, nothing but plants. She returned her attention to the brook and heard the rustle again, this time it was violent and prolonged. Looking up, she saw the bush shaking, trembling as if about to burst from some force building inside of it. This paragraph is very long. I would try and split it up into separate ideas if I were you

Startled, Seira fell backwards and caught herself with her elbow. As she backed away from the brook [s]and the bush on the other side [/s]her world turned darker. The whitewash colors [s]became blackwashed[/s] faded. [s]Now [/s] Leaves started falling from the bush as the rustling within escalated. Seira backed into a tree, and she [s]quickly stood and [/s]cowered behind the trunk, trying to keep her rapid breath silent. A new sound joined the rustling, a fierce, other worldly snarl punctuated by leaves flying away as if ripped off and [s]tossed away[/s] discarded by an unseen being. Seira clung to the pine’s trunk, wanting to run but [s]knowing whatever was in the bush would chase her down and rip her like those leaves in a second[/s]frozen by fear[/b]. She couldn’t even look away or blink; her eyes were wide with terror.

The water of the brook began to bubble [s]with the bush[/s]. Everything seemed to shake and Siera couldn’t hold in her whimpers anymore. Suddenly, an unseen force whipped from the bush like a gust of wind and lashed at the ground before her and her tree. She flinched and tears ran from her eyes. The force lashed out again and hit her tree, creating a gash in the trunk level to Seira’s head [s]that had now fallen with [/s]Her body crumpled into a pathetic weeping girl.

“SEIRA!” bellowed a [s]concerned[/s] voice. If the voice is concerned, it wouldn't bellow

She screamed and bolted upright, nearly missing the head of her friend, the source of the bellow, Selené. Seira’s frightened eyes locked with her friend’s concern - filled ones. [color=red] Wait, what friend...She has a friend?

She leaned into her friend, who embraced her, and cried.

Strong starting sentence, good. Nice word choice (rendered, framing). Oh, and I really like the title.

More more more!

This was very good! It caught my attention in the beginning, and although you lost my attention somewhere in the middle with slight repetitiveness, the ending caught my attention once again and held it. It makes me very curious as to what happens next...very curious indeed.

KEEP WRITING!

This was pretty good. You have good description and I enjoyed the beginning of the plot. You kept it moving, which is also good. I caught nothing to point out, and I'm sorry. Keep writing.

That was really great! I loved the sort of shadowy imagery, with the descriptions of running water and time not mattering. Dark and mysterious. The only thing I'd like to see would be more!

This was really good! Just a few things though:

She felt nothing, heard nothing, saw nothing, smelt nothing, tasted nothing.

There was a rustle and she looked up. Just a bush,

She couldn't even look away or blink; her eyes were wide with terror.

creating a gash in the trunk level to Seira's head that had now fallen with her body into a crumpled, pathetic weeping girl.