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Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

Star Shade, Chapter 1: Oblivion On The Horizon

by Pernicus


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Chapter 1

The arrival of the newest customer was announced by the icy wind which chased the potential buyer through the now open stone doorway. Garett spared a glance up from his work long enough to recognise the woman. It was the elderly Thelonian who had never successfully bargained a price down, yet tried again every week. She wore a blue robe-like dress that had a hair lined collar, Wulve hair by the looks of it. A common liner for the clothing on the rocky ice planet. Being a Thelonian she had a matching pale blue tint to her skin, which he knew from past experience with thelonians would be cold to the touch. Their outer layers of flesh were capable of great transformation in terms of temperature and form based on their surroundings.

One might question the usefulness of a jacket in such a situation but it was probably more for comfort than necessity. It could’ve been for the sake of fashion even, but a Thelonian was ugly to everything but another Thelonian. Their bluish bruised looking skin looked bad enough, but it was also semi-transparent and riddled with veins and capillaries that almost seemed to be sentient in of themselves. It was said that the veins would rearrange around any flesh wounds instead of having clotting blood. Having known her for a long time however Garett knew the worst part of her was her personality, selfish. She had an self centred arrogance typical of Thelonians, proven by the fact that she’d left the door open once again.

“Mrs Zaire, would you mind shutting the door?” She threw him a look almost as cold as the wind she’d so carelessly let in.

“I can ensure you Mr Garett,” she paused to shut the door before continuing “that I enjoy the cold no more than you do,” She said in a thick but well enunciated Thelo accent, it was deep and bassy in sound, but a muted bass as opposed to a loud thrum.

“You’ve been looking worse for wear these past months Mr Garett” She remarked as she entered the workshop. Garett noted this was a peculiarly considerate thing for her to say, she must want something.

“Yes well perhaps I’m sick” He replied after a second of consideration. He was sick, but not with any disease. He was sick of living.

No sooner than had she finished speaking she started to rummage around, sifting through the various bits and pieces. He opened his mouth to speak before deciding better of it, and looked back down to the solder he’d been doing. He was fixing an old AI-221 motherboard, a task that had proven more challenging than rewarding. Some called him a scrapper but he preferred to think of himself as a technician, he did requested repairs from time to time. He gave up on the little motherboard, placing it on the pile of scrap. The AI-221 was pretty much worthless anyway. Mrs Zaire seemed to have finally settled on an odd little piece of metal. She began to dawdle over to him, still clasping it firmly in her rather disgusting hands.

“What’re you trying to swindle me out of this time?” He said, his eyes trying to peer between her tightly knit fingers, he caught naught but a glimpse of a dull metal. She unclasped her hands to reveal the old lithium repeater battery.

“Thirty plats,” she said before he could so much as open his mouth. This was what she called negotiation.

“Now Mrs Zaire, I think you’re jumping the gun a little, we both know the standard price for a 240 volt lithium repeater b-ba-battery unit is fifty plats, even if it is a little beaten up” He said with his stalwart and tenacious anti bargaining voice. He had to sound like he would give no ground back, to hide the slightest hint of uncertainty, such was the business.

She admitted defeat, maybe even a little prematurely. Handing over the fifty plats and turning to walk out. He smirked as he returned to his seat, another small victory. He pocketed the money and sat down. She came around to his small albeit well stocked parts shop on a bi weekly basis, from the parts she bought he would’ve guessed she was perhaps building or upgrading a propellant engine of some kind. To those not educated about Thelonian biology (which he reckoned he now had considerable firsthand experience with) she would’ve looked young. Most beings got smaller or more decrepit in appearance with age, but Thelonians simply stayed the same. The only way for one to die was if it was killed, and if the myths held any water that was notoriously hard to do, nothing short of a direct hit from a plasma beam. As the door closed behind her, the room fell silent once more. The wind’s distant whistling could not compensate for the little shop’s vacancy.

He decided to turn on the tachyon-transmitter to try and fix the silence. It crackled into life, it was tuned to a strange audio channel he’d never heard before. The sound coming through the speaker was tinny and metallic,it was distorted in the same way it often was after being converted from audio into tachyons and back. The varying voices of the galaxy were available through a tachyon transmitter, and Garett often relied on them to find sleep in the restless night. He didn’t like the silence.

Since the discovery of the faster than light particle a few hundred years ago interstellar travel and communication had become foreseeably faster. As for what the channel was broadcasting, it was an alien language he’d never heard before, one that sounded quite similar to the screeching highs and grumbly lows of Tertian or Cossundri, it almost sounded like music. He somehow didn’t think it was though, over the years he’d learned that every species out there had a very different idea of what music was supposed to be. Many could even hear and speak in frequencies too high for humans. In the famous Golari opera performances only about half the sounds were auditory to humans. He remembered being utterly disappointed after being told of the amazing singing performances, he’d arrived to the equivalent watching a broadcast while randomly muting and unmuting it. And the parts he could hear were painful to hear.

He decided a channel change was definitely in order, he flicked through a few that he didn’t like the sound of before coming upon one in common-speak, which was the agreed language for interspecies communication. The accent was odd but he couldn’t quite pinpoint it. It was something of a news report, he was only half listening until he heard mention of the Starshade militia. He remembered just last week Zaire herself had been prattling on about how the Starshade militia would spell doom for the galaxy, their unexpected and swift assaults on peaceful planets, their month long crusades. He knew the whole thing would never really escalate, the media were just being sensationalist. Nothing would ever reach their little corner of the galaxy.

“The terrorist group known as the Starshade militia has threatened attacks on the Kolamkar festivals taking place on Hyridia, where president Coreil of ISPC is due to attend. As a result security has been heightened and ISPC troops are being pulled in from where they aren’t as needed to ensure the safety of president Coreil.”

He breathed in a huge sigh of relief upon hearing how far away the potential danger was. Hyridia was on the other side of the galaxy, and he very much doubted any conflict which could happen there would reach this little corner of the galaxy. The militia themselves were known for their brutal executions of members of the Interstellar Peace Coalition or the ISPC. The group had risen from the ashes of the Cobalt wars, claiming vengeance for one thing or another. The way he saw it, war was war and any casualties along the way were collateral damage for their respective governments, if you were to engage in war you should expect no less.

At twenty-seven his outlook was still abnormally cynical, and had been since he was twelve. He’d been so low he couldn’t fall any further. He had ran from his abusive parents whose alcohol driven beatings were administered weekly and without fail. He decided it was enough one night and he was gone by morning. He had packed up what he little he owned and made away for an Interstellar Freighter on which he stowed away for a few days.

Getting off on the on the Ferdina port of the icy planet called Yujar. The planetscape was dominated by vast expanses of water and ice, rocky mesas and plateaus jutted up from the southern plains, and in the north solid mountains of sharp stone dotted the landscape of cavernous valleys and crenelated ranges.

His first months here had been hard, working for the previous owner of the shop, who at the time had been a elderly Crendow with short horns named Pekson. Pekson was someone who believed in just reward for success, but a fair punishment for failure. He had been adopted into the ramshackle business when he was found begging. Pekson would later remark that it would’ve been a waste of a pair of working hands, and he was inclined to agree there. At first he had been suspicious of the old man’s motives, he later grew to understand that Pek (as he was nicknamed) had no living family members and no inheritor for the dusty old shop. Perhaps it had been matter of passing on his legacy, or perhaps he couldn’t bear to think of the old place demolished after his passing. Whatever the reasons they hadn’t been in spite of Garett. The old man himself had passed only two years prior. To the many that “knew” him, he was a stern, selfish and cold hearted old thing, to the few who really knew him, he was a fair but firm person with a mild temperament and little patience for fools.

They had developed an almost father-son relationship in the almost thirteen years they’d known each other. In the more recent years his age had started to take effect on his work, his hands were sometimes too shaky to weld the smaller circuits, he couldn’t always read the fine print even with visual aid. He had sat beside him on his final day, they had both known what was coming, but he was endearing til his last breath. They had both agreed it would be better not to feel, so Garett waited until he had passed to show any signs of grief.

There was a part of him which wanted to cry, but he couldn’t summon even the smallest of tears to his eyes. The loneliness was the hardest part now, he felt hollow without the daily interaction. If he were to go without a customer for an entire day he doubted he would speak at all. And what little conversation he could drum up with a customer was bland or subversively hostile. Garett wasn’t a person who needed social interaction to thrive, but he felt as if he was going slowly insane without it.

While lost in thought he hadn’t noticed the silence was back. The tachyon-transmitter’s channel had gone dull, a very slight fuzzy static. Intrigued he changed the channel a few times only to find all the channels broadcasting the same light static. At random single words would become audible through the white noise, or only part of words. He couldn’t really make any single word out but on the channel that had been broadcasting the news, a single sentence was repeating. While it was in common-speak it was too distorted to be made out clearly, and the words were too infrequent. It was slightly unnerving to listen to.

He guessed it must’ve been a problem with the audio output. Upon opening the back panel and gazing over the wiring and circuit boards with his keen eye, he could find no fault with the output or the signal receiver. The problem seemed to be with the system itself, which would be a more than concerning development. If it was broken here it would likely be broken planetwide. Yujar was no corporate giant of a planet but it was resource rich, it was a big entity in the interstellar mineral trading and any local communications breakdown could be a disaster. He decided it might be for the best to shut down the shop and go for a brief walk. He needed to restock on solder metal and probably some food too.

He pocketed forty plats of change and headed for the door feeling the metallic chips rattle in his pocket, this would be enough for a few weeks of food and a good metre of solder.

He donned his favourite brown thermophobic jacket to keep him warm in the below zero temperatures that awaited him outside the door. His shoes and pant bottoms however would provide little protection from the stinging air, but he could manage. He stepped out onto the thermic tiled road, the tiles were heated once a day from underneath and would retain that heat for hours. Now however they had cooled off faster than normal, still warmer than the surrounding air but too cold for comfort.

The first thing he noticed was the complete lack of ISPC soldiers outside the outpost. The ISPC soldiers had outposts on every planet that was part of the coalition. And Ferdina port was one of the larger spaceport towns in the southern expanse, and it was conveniently central to the surrounding gas mining towns, making it somewhat of a hub of activity. Normally the ISPC soldiers would be stationed outside the outpost itself in the tens, now it was single figures. He remembered the announcement on the tachyon-receiver before it broke, that a lot of soldiers were being temporarily repositioned to protect the ISPC president from the suspected terrorist attacks. It only took him a second to count all five of the ISPC soldiers who stood outside the outpost.

They stood huddled in the cold, their armour apparently not designed for the cold. From the his twenty metre vantage point he couldn’t make out their individual features, but from their disparity in heights and sizes some looked to be human and the others were close to human if not.

Losing interest he turned and started his steady brisk paced walk to the market in the centre of town. During these foggy windy weeks people seldom made unnecessary journeys through the jeering cold which nipped at the extremities of the body. Garett was no exception, it didn’t take him long after starting the walk to start regretting not investing in more insulated shoes.

As he arrived at the little market square it started to feel warmer. In the cold with even less insulation than him stood the elderly lady whom he felt he’d become an acquainted with, she was a deaf-mute. Since he’d first arrived she had been hospitable and welcoming, in his younger years giving him the occasional free fruit or canned good. Which may not seem much to an outsider but in this part of this planet kindness wasn’t often favoured over profit. Now around her stood an array of multicoloured fruit and vegetables, behind her on the shelves of her stall there were canned meals of all varieties.

She had always been deaf-mute, and she hadn’t aged a single day in the thirteen years they’d been acquainted, her grey hair and wrinkled skin hadn’t gotten any greyer or wrinklier. Her skin was mottled with spots of age, her hair was unkempt and frizzy. She had hair typical of the human hair on Yujar, it had seen many a freezing gale and was often curled by the cold. He, unlike her, had jet black hair that was curled at slight, not like her grey rolling locks. He didn’t know her name, he doubted anyone knew her name including her. Pekson had said that she had always been deaf-mute and there wasn’t much point in her having a name if she couldn’t respond to it. Now he was greeted with one of her toothless smiles which said all that needed to be said. He reached into his pockets and rummaged, his hand coming up with exactly twenty plats grasped tight. It was in two five plat chips and one ten plat chip. At his first introduction to the currency he found it hard to tell them apart in his pocket, but soon he learned to distinguish them by weight alone. The haggard old lady examined the plats in his hand with her scrutinous gaze for a few seconds before taking handing him the bag of goods. He checked the contents of the bag briefly before paying.

They exchanged a nod before he continued his walk deeper into the market. His attendance to the near empty market square had not gone un-noticed by the vendors of all trades that were sparsely littered about the square. When setting up their temporary stands they had obviously decided that being closer together would decrease their revenue, so they had spaced themselves as far as possible from one another. He muttered under his breath, probably more concerned about the mild inconvenience than he should’ve been. He didn’t need to check the contents of the bag to know what would be inside it, it felt the right weight in his hands. It was his food for the week, and he had a set arrangement with the old lady. It had been incredibly hard to orchestrate, seeing as they had no real means of communication other than poorly acted miming which had garnered some laughter.

His vision shifted northwards towards the now rapidly clearing sky. The fog was lifting and already the distant mountain peaks were visible, the sun had penetrated the haze and was already creating glare from the snowcapped mountains. Already he felt all the warmer for it. He glanced back at the old lady, to perhaps try and gauge her reaction, maybe catch a smile which was always pleasant. Instead he saw that she was surveying the sky with a puzzled look etched onto her age riddled face. A rapid clearing of the sky wasn’t that unusual, not such as to justify a manner of bewilderment such as that. He noticed fast that she was staring at something in particular. Trying to guess where she was looking by instinct, he turned and reviewed the horizon. At first it was hard to register, made no easier by the remainder of the fog that still clung to the now static air. If you looked northwest to the more distant peaks you could spot several dozen black dots silhouetted against the late morning sunshine.

Heads turned in the square as those who had been meandering among the stalls and indeed the sellers themselves noticed the ominous dots. People had started coming out of their homes in appraisal of the now sunny and clear weather only to notice the far more interesting sight. The real chatter began as someone yelled out that they were growing closer. Indeed they had increased noticeably in size since their discovery only a few seconds before.

“What hell are those?” an old Tertian man grumbled to Garett’s left.

“Probably more of the bloody ISPC come to tax us” replied a human man from next to him. Now a real crowd had formed. A dozen more appeared over the horizon.

“Mummy, why are all those spaceships coming?” a little boy said tugging on his mother’s blue dress ahead of Garett. The mother’s response was made inaudible by the surrounding chatter.



The foremost ships did something strange, they started a rapid ascent almost vertically into the clouds where they were lost from sight. At this point a slow realisation was dawning on Garett and the crowd alike. The black ships came soaring down on their visibly large glider wings and faster than ever. To the few who had seen the news, the ships were now easily recognisable. This type of gliding high speed velocity based craft was infamous galaxywide, The Starshade militia were here.


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Thu Jun 16, 2016 9:48 pm
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Pompadour wrote a review...



As promised~

Sorry for the lateness! I started writing this review, but life tossed me into a trainwreck and I completely forgot to complete it. (As a result, this review may be a little disjointed from my having worked on it in little bits and pieces--apologies for that~)

I skimmed through this once, but I'll be reviewing as I read. I can say off the bat, however, that one thing you need to work on is varying your syntax. Right now, you're following a rigid subject + verb + object word order that makes your prose stiff and difficult to get through. You have some really lovely sentences, but you need to shuffle them up and vary sentence length in order to make this more engaging.

I'd also advise on cutting down on some of the worldbuilding, seeing as it acts as an impediment in the way of the overall scene. Don't get me wrong--it's excellent, the way you've laid out so many details of this world, but it's something that the reader can only tolerate in small doses. It was hard for me to remember where we were--the shop, and that Garrett was talking to Mrs Zaire--because my focus shifted from scene to backstory so often. Some of the backstory, also, does not directly connect to the main scene, so it is A) an abrupt switch, and B) looks sloppy, because it seems as if the narrator is spewing information out simply for the sake of it. Even if you were going for a Tolkien-esque approach, be careful not to stray too far from a scene, because all that achieves is a great deal of confusion.

- On the beginning: there is no 'hook'; nothing compels me to read further as soon as the narrator lapses into a detailed description of the Thelonian, Mrs Zaire. The narrator merely grazes that hint of mystery that this 'customer' brought into the shop with them--it is, instead, weighted down by what seems to me to be an unnecessary description, seeing as what I want to know is not the appearance of a character I do not care for (nor do I care for the details of their species, particularly, at this moment).

The arrival of the newest customer was announced by the icy wind which chased the potential buyer through the now open stone doorway.


Wordy. It's not a strong opening and you can condense it greatly to achieve the same effect. 'Icy wind' is generally a cliché opening--it symbolises cold, and is typical of many novels, but we don't really focus on the elements except for the occasional mention of 'the wind'. and this creates a slightly artificial, unbalanced feel every time we flit back to the scene at hand.

A quick tip on describing character appearances: use action to your advantage. Character A moves in close? Have Character B react in a manner that unveils certain details regarding A's appearance. When attached to an action, information is more easily remembered. As it is, by the time we returned to Garrett's point-of-view, I'd forgotten we'd already been introduced to him in the first place.

“I can ensure you, Mr Garett,.” she paused to shut the door before continuing “that I enjoy the cold no more than you do,” She said in a thick but well enunciated Thelo accent, it was deep and bassy in sound, but a muted bass as opposed to a loud thrum.


~ 'ensure' -- I think you meant 'assure' here?

~ When addressing a person, place a comma before their name, be this in dialogue or plain narrative; e.g: 'My neighbour, Mr Bern, was the nicest man alive', and '"Why, Mr Bern, that's so nice!"'

~The comma before 'she paused' ought to be a period--'she paused' illustrates an action; it is not a dialogue tag, therefore the 's' in 'she' should also be capitalised. Take a look at this article~

No sooner than had she finished speaking she started to rummage around, sifting through the various bits and pieces.


Bits and pieces of what? Machinery? Tech? Discarded doorknockers? You've clarified this in the next paragraph, but the context is required here.

Some called him a scrapper but he preferred to think of himself as a technician, he did requested repairs from time to time.


~ Comma splice. There are a few more instances of this, but if you read through this once, I'm sure you'll spot them for yourself.

Garrett's stuttering leaves me unconvinced of the fact that he finds Mrs Zaire even slightly intimidating. His speech is otherwise eloquent and he seems composed, although this may be because the narrator is externally-focussed most of the time. We rarely explore Garrett's feelings and his reactions towards Mrs Zaire, other than the fact that he finds her 'disgusting'. Someone who is frightened of their customer will not outright state that they're trying to 'swindle' them--the actions don't match up, and the characterisation is inconsistent, seeing as we really don't get to know Garrett much at all. He's afraid of her, yet he smirks at his successful bargain as he walks away? Garrett is playing a simultaneous role of timid shopkeeper, nerdy tech junkie, and badbutt mechanic: I really don't know what to make of him, and he flits from one role to another so quickly that it's pretty ... disengaging.

Also, for a large portion of the chapter, his only purpose appears to be to introduce certain concepts, such as the way the tachyon transmitter and such work. What I can appreciate is that in order to introduce these concepts, you have your character actively engage with them, but it's a little ... dry. It doesn't capture me. It doesn't make me want to read on.

Which, at this point, is not a good thing.

So far, the ailment. I'd suggest incorporating some sensory description and imagery into your writing, to linger on the actions themselves rather than the results they'd engender. The point-of-view this is written in echoes strongly of third-person-objective rather than third-person-limited, and I think the issue with the objective perspective for this chapter is that it gets ... mundane very easily, and is emotionless. There's nothing for the reader to latch onto emotion-wise; the main character is one with whom I share no reader-character connection. I do not care for him. This is not a good thing, because if the plot is the novel's highway, the setting and external description its terrain, then the character is the vehicle that trundles along it.

I think the biggest issue this chapter faces, as a whole, is emotional output. Notice that I used the word 'external' description with the setting; when we're getting to know a character, the description, the writing, is largely internal. It's explored through those thoughts and, more than that, in the way your character responds to their environment, both internally (in their head), and externally (through their actions).

An example, before this ramble gets too long-winded, would be:

Nothing would ever reach their little corner of the galaxy.


I was waiting for Garrett's reactions after that little fact was uttered oh-so-glibly by some omniscient narrator. Was he glad? Did he sigh in relief? Did his nerves relax? Was he ever worried in the first place? Is he hunched over the transmitter as he listens to the news, is he leaning back in a chair, or is he standing rigidly by it while listening anxiously? TELL US. We want to know. Everything else, all the information surrounding his past and certain details the narrator may consider important in the telling, can be conveyed in snippets. In fact, it is better and more efficient if they are conveyed in snippets, because blocks of information thrown our way can be difficult to digest.

I understand the world is complex to develop, and that poses more of a challenge to you as a writer, because you must retain the reader's attention WHILE building this complex world. But be stingy with information in places that require it; info should be dispensed according to what importance it serves in a particular situation. Like, talking about the starshade militia? Then focus less on Garrett's past and on individual character descriptions. The tone acquires a slight urgency nearing the end, which is good, but it's not the kind of urgency that I think the situation demands, and the kind of urgency that would actually make me shiver with anticipation. This is because we need more internal transition to support the external pacing, the atmosphere of the cold streets and the history you've dispensed.

On the subject of Garrett's history, I'd recommend not giving all of it away in the first chapter, and also keeping the mention of Pekson to yourself until a later chapter, like perhaps when (if?) he returns to the shop. I think that would guarantee a moment of reflection on his ownership of it, yes? (Although however you choose to part with this information is up to you! I'm just offering suggestions! XD)

Again, apologies for the late review! I'm very much in awe at how thoroughly you've taken building this world to task; I just think it needs slimmer, more-careful execution. Also, be careful of run-ons! Otherwise, it's a wonderful idea, and a concept I would love to see more of. (I'll check the next two chapters out as soon as I can!)

Keep writing! Ping me if you have any questions, and I hope this review helped~

Cheers.

~Pomp c:




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Wed Mar 16, 2016 8:43 am
Ehtaniel wrote a review...



Interesting first chapter.
On the writing itself, it could use a bit of correction, like removing some useless words, but I haven't seen much of this.
The universe looks interesting and full of details, that's a thing I like in univers like space-opera or fantasy : a good worldbuiding. I just think you could lighten a bit about the explanation about the Thelonian. You can still give some info on them but perhaps a bit less. Here's two options :
- We never meet that character nor any other Thelonian in the story, then you don't need to give too much details about them.
- We'll meet that character or any other Thelonian later, then you'll have other opportunity to add informations about them. A little bit more each time we meet Thelonian and it'll be ok.
The only thing I feel a bit odd is about the moving of ISPC force to protect the president. It looks like they depleted half their force accross the whole galaxy (as the president thing is supposed to be at the other end of the galaxy) just to protected the president. Then their whole galaxy number might be really low if they need to move so many force each time the president appears somewhere.
I know it looks like I'm focusing on a tiny detail, but if you're going to write a military/action space opera, I'd like to be a bit rational/logical on the military/force/strategy side. If I want to believe in the ISPC force that is going to be an important part of the story, I need them to act a bit logically and here it doesn't looked that way.
Then, perhaps there's another explanation about that depleting of forces that we'll discover later, I don't know, but if it just the sake of protection of a single individual, even a very important one, at the other end of the galaxy, that looks a bit too much to me. :-)
Otherwise, that first chapter start to build the main character and the main setting in a good way. There's enough details, sure not many dialogue but I don't believe dialogue are the answer to anything, I even find them often an artificial way of providing information to the reader. As for the length of the chapter, it's pretty good to me. There's no need to do really short chapters. To me the average length length would be ten to fifteen pages in a book. And Peter F. Hamilton, one of the best space opera writer of the last 20 years, often write 50 pages chapters. ;-)
If you feel to ask specific question, you're free to message me.




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Tue Mar 15, 2016 1:10 pm
steampowered wrote a review...



Hello Pernicus, steampowered here with a review as requested! Sorry I took so long to get to this – I’ve been really busy lately and just haven’t found the time to do it. Before I start I should probably say that I haven’t read the other reviews.

Overall impressions first: I understand that this is a sci-fi, but you might want to reconsider the amount of information you work into your first chapter as it feels like you’ve given the reader a ton of information. For example:

“The terrorist group known as the Starshadow militia has threatened attacks on the Kolamkar festivals taking place on Hyridia, where president Coreil of ISPC is due to attend. As a result security has been heightened and ISPC troops are being pulled in from where they aren’t as needed to ensure the safety of president Coreil.”


There’s a lot of stuff in this paragraph alone – the reader’s only just started reading and they’ve been confronted with loads of unfamiliar elements of the world. Starshadow… Kolamkar… Hyridia… Coreil and ISPC – these are elements you can play around with to create some fantastic worldbuilding but working too much into the first chapter is likely to be off-putting to many readers. I do like the way you introduce the conflict at the end of the chapter, thus hooking the reader and making the novel feel fast-paced and action-packed.

Maybe you could introduce the Starshadow militia sooner – why not have Garett have a conversation about it before he hears the announcement? When I read the bit about the announcement I just thought, “cool” and moved on. As it is, the Starshadows’ arrival at the end of this chapter didn’t really bother me because there wasn’t enough foreshadowing. This is just a suggestion, but perhaps Garett and Mrs Zaire could have a conversation which replaces the announcement, or when the announcement comes on Mrs Zaire could still be in the shop and say something like, “Hyridia’s on the other side of the galaxy – I don’t care what planet’s being attacked so long as those criminals are far away from us.” That way you could show Garett’s relief, rather than telling us in a later paragraph, and you could show a little more of Mrs Zaire’s character. But that’s just a suggestion.

Other than that, I thought it was an interesting start. I’d like to see what happens when the militia arrives, although I feel you could really make something of the build-up. How does Garett react to their arrival? How do the crowds react? Is there a stampede, a panic? You also have little in the way of dialogue in this chapter, so perhaps you could have some kind of ominous muttering amongst the onlookers.

A final suggestion I have is a formatting suggestion – some of your paragraphs are pretty long. Your reader won’t want to be confronted with an enormous wall of text, so I’d advise splitting your longer paragraphs up so you have three or four sentences in each.

Hopefully this review makes sense – I’m worried it might be rambling because I’m writing this in a super noisy environment and I’m starting to lose my train of thought. Feel free to reply to this review if you don’t understand what I’m trying to say here, and I’ll attempt to clarify.

Keep writing!

-steam-




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Mon Mar 14, 2016 8:19 pm
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passenger wrote a review...



Hey there!

I'm about to be as honest with you as Gordon Ramsay in the kitchen ~

First, the nitpicky, little things. It might seem overwhelming, but I wanted to be thorough.

Spoiler! :
She wore a blue robe-like dress that had a hair lined collar, Wulve hair by the looks of it.


Your punctuation is slightly lacking here. I'd add a comma between "blue" and "robe-like". Also, the ending of this sentence is a little awkward. Instead of "...had a hair-lined collar, Wulve hair by the looks of it", try "had a collar lined with hair--Wulve hair, by the looks of it." You might not prefer this, but it does have a nicer flow, in my opinion.

Their bluish bruised looking skin looked bad enough


There should always be a comma between the descriptive characteristics--in this case "bluish" and "bruised". Also, I would just remove the first "looking". It sounds repetitive and awkward.

It was said that the veins would rearrange around any flesh wounds instead of having clotting blood.


I would get rid of the "instead of having clotting blood" bit, or at the very least rearrange the words a little. It just sounds a little strange to me. But, that being said, I don't have any fantastic alternatives besides just omitting the line, so don't mind me.

Having known her for a long time however Garett knew the worst part of her was her personality, selfish. She had an self centred arrogance typical of Thelonians, proven by the fact that she’d left the door open once again.


If you read the sentence aloud, and there's a slight pause between two words--in this case, between "however" and "Garett"--then throw a comma in there.

-->>> (It irks me when a work lacks commas, so I apologize if it seems like overkill whenever I point it out. I'll neglect from pointing out every single place where there should be punctuation, but while editing, I'd recommend that you go back through and fix it up a little bit. It's perfectly okay to have little mistakes, and even big ones, since this is your first draft.)

Delete the word "selfish" from that first sentence. You already explain her arrogance in the following sentence, so the addition to the first sentence is unnecessary. Also, "an self-centered" should be "a self-centered", since "self" begins with a consonant.

“I can ensure you Mr Garett,” she paused to shut the door before continuing “that I enjoy the cold no more than you do,” She said in a thick but well enunciated Thelo accent, it was deep and bassy in sound, but a muted bass as opposed to a loud thrum.


This is how I would fix this up: " 'I can ensure you, Mr. Garett,' she said, pausing to shut the door. "I enjoy the cold no more than you do," she said in a thick but well-enunciated Thelo accent. It was deep in sound; a muted bass as apposed to a loud thrum."

That way, it's a little less confusing to the reader. The way you worded it is like saying, "she said, 'hey,' she said." You used "she said" twice before and after the same line of dialogue. You know what I mean? I would steer clear of that.

No sooner than had she finished speaking she started to rummage around


The wording here is very strange. I think I'd just go with "She finished speaking, and then began to rummage around..." I know why you tried to restructure your sentence to be unique, and generally I would commend you. But here, it sounds overworked/awkward.

Mr Garett


Just a quick thing; there should always be a period after an English honorific (e.g. Mr., Mrs., and Ms.).

Some called him a scrapper but he preferred to think of himself as a technician, he did requested repairs from time to time.


You're trying to smush independent clauses together by placing a comma between them. Either split them into separate sentences, or put a semicolon between "technician" and "he". I would keep on the lookout for this throughout your chapter, and make sure to separate independent clauses accordingly. I can spot many instances where you just throw a comma in between them. It's a minor mistake, but also a prevalent one.

“What’re you trying to swindle me out of this time?" He said


After the last quotation mark, pronouns shouldn't be capitalized. Lowercase "h" in he, "s" in she, etc.

Another thing --->>> I noticed that you often use "he said" or "she said"; try to switch it up a little bit, just to add some variety. There are many different ways for one to say something (e.g. he replied, she intoned, he reprimanded, he yelled, she exclaimed, he mumbled, she muttered, etc. etc.) Using the same verb repeatedly becomes bland after awhile, and reinforcing your vocabulary may prove helpful in further characterizing a situation.

She came around to his small albeit well stocked parts shop on a bi weekly basis


"Well-stocked" should be written as so, as should "bi-weekly". Make sure to hyphenate double-word adjectives.


Okay, moving on ---->>>>

You write absolutely beautifully. The way you're able to craft the colors of the English language into a fine tapestry of a story is beyond me. Your descriptions are elaborate and specific, making it easy for me to imagine what's happening. You have a fantastic way of 'showing and not telling' for the most part, which keeps the story pleasantly real.

He said with his stalwart and tenacious anti bargaining voice. He had to sound like he would give no ground back, to hide the slightest hint of uncertainty, such was the business.


In explaining his "stalwart and tenacious anti-bargaining voice", you give me a good idea of who the MC is. This indirect characterization is great for pulling in your reader. Once I begin to have a sense of who your characters are, I can begin to connect with them and develop an interest in how they'll change over the course of the story. However, unfortunately--that's pretty much where you stop. After Garett's brief conversation with Mrs. Zaire, you only give me a few sentences about Garett's background:

At twenty-seven his outlook was still abnormally cynical, and had been since he was twelve. He’d been so low he couldn’t fall any further. He had ran from his abusive parents whose alcohol driven beatings were administered weekly and without fail.


And then yes, you give us a little bit of an idea about Garett's relationship with Pekson. I know it seems like I'm contradicting myself by saying "oh, you don't have a lot of characterization" and then "well, you do have it here...and here...and here and here." But the problem is that, while I may know a little about Garett's tendencies as it relates to what I assume to be his job, and about his former relationship with Pekson, you don't give me anything that makes me care about him. He doesn't have to be portrayed as a hero or a villain right off the bat; in fact, I dislike throwing a character into one category or the other.

But he does have to have a personality. Something about him that makes him someone I want to follow. Give me more backstory, maybe, but also give him a quirk. Or something that he likes, or a habit that he can't shake. Give him something to work towards. Make him seem more like a person and less like a narrator. I know that this is only the first chapter; I'm mostly just warning you for chapters to come. I've found that knowing who my characters are--in the most literal sense--can really help me step into the story and live in their shoes. Like Deskro said in his previous review: make sure the characters tell us the story.

Oh, and not just Garett. I want to know about Zaire as well. And the deaf-mute lady. Descriptions are great; give me an image to hold on to in my mind. It's alright to give me room for interpretation, but don't be too vague. You can just list a defining feature. For example (since you told us how Zaire was young, I believe): "She was ageless and had long white-blonde hair that swept the ground as she walked." I have no idea if this is what she looks like, but that's just an example for you.

Okay, anyway.

It hurts me to tell you this, because I am an over-describer myself. But don't overload the story with unnecessary detail. I know, it's hard to convey a message to the reader, especially because you want what's in your head to be the same thing that's in theirs. And I fall into that trap myself, of going on and on and on. And you can give detail, just make sure you walk that fine line between "relatively detailed description" and Charles Dickens. This was something of a slow read for me.

I would also suggest breaking up your paragraphs. Like Lizzy said, there are a few that were difficult to get through. Particularly the one starting with "At twenty-seven..."

Speaking of that part in the chapter, I have to point out that there's a little bit of a tangent going on. You switch rapidly from talking about the origin of the ISPC, to giving backstory on Garett, to talking about the landscape of the planet, and then talking about Garett again. Don't hurry. It's okay. Give us time to breathe, work on smooth transitions between topics. On top of that, I'd suggest spreading out some of the background info throughout the first few chapters instead of dumping it on us all at once. Some readers might be driven away by the excess of information.

Okay. I have to give you a big round of applause for really knowing the world Garett is living in. You seem like you have a good sense of both the background of the planet, current events that're happening, and you know what you're talking about. That's commendable. Sometimes it's hard to keep track of the societal rules of a fictitious community, and you do this well. The better you know your way around, the better your reader will be able to follow without getting antsy.

Overall, I'd say that I like where this is headed. The ending leaves me wanting more, of course--I want to know what'll happen when the Starshade militia arrive. Hopefully sometime soon I can get to reviewing your chapter two; you deserve a second review from me. I owe you.

Hopefully this helped.

Best of wishes,
your personal Gordon Ramsay




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Fri Mar 11, 2016 8:40 am
writerkitty says...



This is amazing and interesting!!! I really like your dialogue and descriptions, the cliffhanger in the end was pretty cool too!! :D :D




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Thu Mar 10, 2016 4:05 pm
MyersTylerT wrote a review...



Oh my gosh! That was amazing! The way you started with the whole conversation between Garrett and Zaire was great and that cliffhanger has got me wanting more! Can't wait to see what's in store for Garrett!




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Thu Mar 10, 2016 9:43 am
Deskro wrote a review...



~Deskreview~

Before I begin, I want to mention that Lizzy has already touched on a lot of things that I would have also mentioned, specifically the size of your paragraphs and the overall length (though it is hypocritical of me to say the least... but this is about you not me :P)

I think your premise is interesting and your writing style is gripping, it seems to have improved a lot since your earlier work, especially with your grammar.

So, in order to keep this review short, I am going to limit the amount of complements in this review - not to say that there are more negatives than positives, but I believe that criticism is more useful to us as writers than (mindless) adoration.

And with that, let us proceed...

My first issue is actually to do with the presentation. The story is good, the characters feel alive but the story itself feels a bit two-dimensional. I see that you are intent on world building, which is great. This also comes across clearly and effectively. For a while.

Each paragraph read by itself is great. When they are read as a whole however, it comes across as quite a large and elaborate infodump. To me, the most interesting paragraph was the one with Garrett interacting with Zaire. It makes the whole situation feel more real. The characters are showing me what they are like, I'm on the outside looking in. The other paragraphs have the unfortunate effect of yanking me out of your world as I begin to realize the narrator is explaining things to me, rather than letting me discover it through characters.

I'll show you what I mean.

At the moment you have: "Heads turned in the square as those who had been meandering among the stalls and indeed the sellers themselves noticed the ominous dots. People had started coming out of their homes in appraisal of the now sunny and clear weather only to notice the far more interesting sight. The real chatter began as someone yelled out that they were growing closer. Indeed they had increased noticeably in size since their discovery only a few seconds before."

I suggest you break it up with dialogue and action. To make it feel like its happening, rather than you recounting it to us.

" "What's that?" cried a young girl as she pointed to the ominous black dots. The market began to hum with fear and curiosity. It wasn't long before people came out of their homes to see what all the fuss was about.

"Hey, wait a minute, they're getting bigger! Are they coming towards us?" The tension in the crowd rose, as did the volume.

But the man was right, they had got bigger and they were coming closer. By Garrett's calculations, it wouldn't be long until the spots would be completely visible. "

See what I mean? The second paragraph is a lot more diverse as it has more techniques going on, while less bogged down with words.

I think with this in mind you can exceed the potential that you have brewing in this epic story.


I won't go into grammar, because I think it's pedantic and silly mistakes can occur when you're writing a large amount. Such instances will be corrected in some way or another and as long as it doesn't detract too much from the story it isn't too important.

There is one minor issue however, and that is with your in-world details. In particular, currency.

The battery costs, '50 Plat'.
'40 Plat' can buy you a "few weeks worth of food and a metre of solder."
Garrett spends '20 Plat' for a week's worth of food.

Someone here is getting ripped off, but I'm not sure who.

Try and keep in-universe rules consistent, otherwise it can become an annoyance for the reader (though I agree developing your own currency is hard.)

In the end, these are just my opinons, so feel free to do what you wish. I won't be offended if you completely ignore me and I apologize if I came off as rude or condescending. It's late here for me and I just want to provide constructive criticism to help you make the best book you can.

Thanks for the enjoyable read, I look forward to reading Chapter 2!

Edit: Jeez, looks like I turned the review into an essay...

TL;DR: Great story, just need to make sure the characters tell us the story, not the author.




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Wed Mar 09, 2016 5:39 pm
Brigadier wrote a review...



Hey there Pernicus. It's just lizzy dropping by as requested, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

1. Even if you hadn't directed me towards your story, I was planning on reviewing it. The first time I read it, the title drew me because you did not just simply say Chapter 1. Most of the first chapters I have seen on YWS, don't have titles. They just simply say Chapter 1. Oblivion on the Horizon is certainly a gripping title and I can't wait to see what you come up with for the other chapters. I admit the Star Shade confused me until I learned that was the militia's name. It is a very fitting title for a very interesting idea.

2. I was trying decide if I should say something about length until I took a word count. Now I am sure I need to say something. Your chapter is a lot longer than the average chapter at around 3200 words. I didn't realize it was so long until I did the work count. So don't let the number seep in too far. Your story is a good length but you might want to split up the paragraphs. They are way too long. It was hard to concentrate and I lost my place repeatedly.

3. And here comes my two lines on spelling and grammar. I didn't find anything major in your story, just a little typo. I am pretty sure a hyphen is needed in between "father-son". Besides that there were just a couple of typos that I can no longer locate.

4. Now we are on to the fun part, the plot. Let me get a personal comment out of the way first off. Oh my god how did you manage such a good idea and it didn't sound overused or anything. Okay, enough with the dramatics but I will continue to praise the plot, something I don't do very often. I have a couple of suspicions to what the plot might be but I think I should read the next chapter first. You did a good job building up to the suspense and added a tad of humor where it was necessary. I also liked how you didn't really shove everything onto the reader as soon as possible. You started with the shop, then he was tinkering around with the radio, and discovered a mysterious channel. After that he has this sort of reflection and some humor comes in and lightens the mood. It was a great build up and a great ending. It didn't feel to rushed or too drawn out and moved along at a pretty good pace. And oh my god what a cliffhanger.

5. Well, that's about all I have for today. Sorry for such a quick review. Thanks for the follow. PM or chat me if you have any questions about the review or if you want anything else reviewed.
-lizzy

6. Okay so it not quite the weekend like I promised you but now I remember what I wanted to talk about. The characters. On some of the characters Garett interacted with, you went really into detail on others however the details were light or just focused on one aspect of that person's life. Take the old deaf-mute lady. All you said about her was that she was an old deaf mute. I can see where she is a familiar face to Garrett and perhaps he knows her so well she needs description. This still bothered on top of which Mrs. Zaire should be familiar too. Did you only mention her because her alien race had some interesting characteristics?

7. I also found all of those typos that I couldn't remember the placement of. After "Mrs" and before "Zaire" there needs to be a period because of the prefix. I know that some people don't put the periods because it's their style. I just think this way it would be easier to read. Now when Mrs. Zaire is talking to Garrett at first about the cold, a comma needs to go before Mr and a period needs to go after.

8. I didn't realize until I read it through two or three times that the little pieces of dialogue I was trying to fix, were the only ones that really existed. That's when the story was started to irritate me a bit because there was barely any interaction between characters. When it got to some characters, Garrett didn't say anything, he just thought it. T was just a series of flashbacks in his mind.




Pernicus says...


Thanks so much for the review, you're too kind ^-^
And as for the word count, I'm sorry to say it is my shortest chapter as of yet. As for paragraphs, I'm working on it haha. Thanks again !



Pernicus says...


thanks for the final review :D
I agree that I should have more dialogue in the first two chapters, which are balefully short on dialogue. I kinda wanted the audience to try and get to know Garett better in the beggining, especially seeing as a major point of the story is Garett's repressed guilt in chapter two onwards. As for describing the other character's is definitely a weakness when I write, I tend to disregard them a bit more than I should. Going through and making the old lady a bit more a character right now :D
this was all very helpful and I can't wait to read your review on chapter two or any of my future chapters.




Maybe our favorite quotations say more about us than about the stories and people we're quoting.
— John Green