Chapter 1: A Dying Man’s Final Wish
The morning was gloomy, a heavy fog had descended from the mountains, rolling down the slopes. The fog was still and the leaves of the trees were quiet, no rustling. The earth smelled of damp. The peeking heads of mushrooms had erupted from the soil, brought on by the damp coolness in the last few days. A solitary figure could be seen walking up the gentle slopes. He had large ears that rose from either side of his head like pyramids, he had short whiskers protruding from either side of his face. His forehead above his large eyes was populated by intricate birthmarks. His whole body was coated in dark brown fur. His head resembled that of what you might call a large cat. His breath creating mist as it touched the frigid air.
The figure walked for 10 minutes before stopping to admire the view from the top of the hill, somewhat hindered by the fog. He was the only one awake at such an hour of the morning, in the summer it became light very early. He predicted that today would be a miserable day. The meat he had left to dry would no doubt still be damp. As he pondered the weather atop the hill, he started to feel a great sense of foreshadowing, like today was going to be different from the days before. He was very bored in life. He had been living his mundane but peaceful life in these rolling hills for years, and even though he could have left anytime, he knew that responsibilities tied him down.The community was small and he was a supposedly important member of it. All he ever did was dry and prepare meats for storage. He was among a group of 5 food preparers. Thinking himself to have no real talent or intelligence, he had practically thrown himself into the easiest job.
But today felt different. A new energy was in the misty morning air. Jhag decided to pick himself up and walk where his feet felt like taking him. The morning was still young and he could return to his duties later. After walking for some time past trees and rolling green slopes he came to the foot of a mountain, as a child he had called these mountains the dragon’s teeth, for they were almost impossible to climb and quite tall, he decided to follow the base of the mountain around. The rock face was sheer in some parts, and in others it was more of a gentle slope. finding nothing of any interest other than a small stream which he decided to drink from, Jhag started walking back to the town, he didn’t realise how far he had come and realised that he probably wouldn’t get back until noon. He knew the elders would be angry with him for leaving his duties but today was too wet for the meat to dry. He wondered what would happen if he were to stay here and not return. He knew he had to go back. Letting out a sigh he began to trudge back to Lugendrom, the hometown of his people the Felingol. As he turned he heard a distant moan.
He was unsure whether he had imagined the sound or not it so he held his breath and perked his ears in the direction of the noise. He heard it once again, barely audible to his ears but a real sound nonetheless. A species with smaller ears might not have been able to hear it but his ears fanned upwards either side of his head, he had excellent hearing and there could be no doubt about the moan carried on the gentle northern wind. He began to piece together where the sound was coming from, it was emanating from somewhere north-east of him, this would take him even further from home, but someone could be in trouble. Excited at the prospect of an adventure he set off towards where he thought the noise was coming from, after a few minutes he came across a gap valley in between two of the larger peaks, he couldn’t see the snow capped peaks of the mountains from below, but from a distance they were easily visible. He must have traveled about 4 miles to get from his hometown to the dragon teeth mountains.
In the shadows of the valley he could see the vaguely outlined shape of a body, it was hidden in the shadows of an overhang some 50 feet ahead of him, when he heard the moan again it was surely enough coming from the figure. He broke into a sprint towards the shadowy silhouetted body. Pebbles on the valley floor were scattered as he ran. As he neared the rocky overhang
the moaning became clearer and more defined “c...c..come to me” the body visibly shook as if it took a great effort to mumble those words then it uttered a gasp and a rasping cough, it sounded wet, like he was gargling water. Jhag had reached the body when it started to speak again, he recognised it as a male golengol, his mother had told him tales of the men with the beast legs but this was his first time seeing one. He once again drew a heavy breath and opened his mouth, a red trickle dribbled down from his lip “b..bring my message to the king in..” another bout of coughing erupts from his mouth and a fine red spray of what Jhag assumed had to be blood stained the air red. It took Jhag a second to realise the blood stain running down the side of the golen’s tunic, he was clad with armour made of red steel, a chest plate with an insignia that he assumed was that of the Golengol forces. “bring it to the king in the south, the stone walls of falendyme...the king of men awaits” he stops to catch a deep breath “tell him the armies of the frozen north are amassing at the gates of Ankendyme and march to Laygendyme as we speak” He gasped one final time and his eyes seemed to drift upwards. Jhag was in a state of shock, the world seemed to be tilting to one side.
Jhag sat down for a minute to let his head clear, he glanced over at the corpse next to him and winced at the sight. He had never seen a dead body before and he cursed himself under his breath for asking for an adventure, the peaceful rolling hills didn’t seem too bad. He sat there for a minute, trying to catch up with his own train of thought. He had been asked to do a lot, the words echoed in his head “the king in the south” he said to himself. Who was this army in the frozen north? He suspected the elders might know.
He spent the walk back to Lugendrom thinking about what to do, he was faced with a predicament, go out into the wide unknown at the wish of a dying man to deliver a message to the king in the south, the king of Falendyme. He had never heard of Falendyme but unlike his small town it was a dyme, this meant it was a kingdom capital.The capital of the kingdom of men no less. He passed the same trees that he had merely a few hours ago, when life was simple. it struck him how quickly life could change. He hadn’t even learnt the name of the one who sent him on this quest with his dying breath. Jhag found himself questioning why it had to be him, he was wishing he had stayed in bed, underneath his warm duvets.
He arrived back at Lugendrom to the sight of a sunny sky shining above. An almost ironic contrast to the trials he had faced earlier that morning. The townspeople were busy at work with their daily tasks, Jhag observed them for a minute before stepping into sight, no-one had noticed him, he found this both pleasing and disappointing because now he knew he was right about his unimportance to the village. He walked through the marketplace and down the hill and into his small but satisfactory little home. It had a distinct emerald green door that swung inwards, inside it had an oak wood dressing table and bed, along with a small storage chest in which he kept his valuables. His most prized possession was a golden stopwatch handed down to him by his father, and his father’s father before that. He shut the door behind him and slumped down onto the bed. It creaked as he sank into the feather bag that functioned his bedding. He let out a sigh. He tried to think about the task ahead, how much food would he need to bring? would he go alone? how long would it take? His head began to hurt as drifted into sleep.
He awoke in the dark, it took him a second to realise that he was in his room and then the memories flooded back to him, the body of the Golen and his dying wish. He fumbled through the darkness until he found his door handle, he opened it to a starry night sky. There wasn’t any sign of movement other than a flickering light to the left of his door He turned to see a few of his close friends sat around a fire they had made at the border of the woods nearby. He tried to forget about the Golen for now. he plodded up to them and sat heavily down in between two of them. To his left was Frri, a white furred male with a long thick coat of fur, slightly taller than average height. To his right was Grehnri a striped male who was smaller than average size, almost a full head shorter than Jhag. “Greetings friend” said Frri, he said it slowly as if too lazy to speak properly. Jhag exchanged greeting with the circle of friends 6 in total. One new one, he had arrived a few days ago after being rescued from the Falengol in the frozen north, the Estrengol were good friends of Felins and did rescues when they could.
His name was Keltas and he was still recovering from the experience in the north. Right now Keltas was telling a story of his life in the Falengol dungeons of Ankendyme. He tuned his mind to block out the noise and wondered if he should tell them of what had happened early that morning. He deliberated for a while before deciding to keep it to himself for the time being.
Jhag returned to his bed after some more conversation. He awoke to sound of crackling timber as the town burned around him, through the window he could see various corpses, to whom they belonged he could no longer tell for the burns. He could hear the screams of his people as the inferno tore through the hills and trees, in the background he could hear the sound of an army marching in perfect rhythm along with the voice of the golen “The armies of the frozen north” it whispered into Jhag’s ears. The marching got louder and louder as they approached.
Jhag awoke in a cold sweat, it took him a minute to register that he had woken up, and that it had just been a nightmare. It had felt so real, he felt the heat, smelt the smoke and sickening smell of meat burning and he had heard the screams of his people as they burned in the raging inferno. It was impossible, the mist had soaked everything and it was impossible for a forest fire to have started. Jhag remembered what the golen had muttered “the armies of the frozen north are amassing at the gates of ankendyme” he felt a sense of urgency in the air, and a more subtle yet more foreboding sense of a fast approaching doom.
He stumbled out of his home feeling nauseous, he vomited onto the grassy hill collapsed in heap. He pulled himself up as the sudden feeling of nausea started to fade away, he knew he had to take action he ran up to tent where the elders lived and threw himself into it, they looked at him eyes wide with questioning glares. He told them of the dead golen’s wish and his dream. They seemed to look wistfully at him, they began to debate in the tongue of elders, it was a language for the village elders alone. After a nervous wait one of them finally spoke “we will send you and Keltas to Falendyme to warn the king of men” after saying this the elder stepped back and seemed to invite a response “wait what? why me? why Keltas? send the hunters” Jhag was confused, he has no experience outside of the rolling hills of the local region, and Keltas was recovering from trauma. “we send you because fate chose you to be the one, and Keltas because he has experience outside of these mountains, and he has befriended the estrengol who may help you” Jhag sighed “It's not fate, I was merely taking a stroll when I heard the faint murmur”. The elder sighed and shook his head
“everything happens for a reason Jhag, now go, I will summon Keltas and inform him of his duties” Jhag stood there for a minute his head swimming with revelations. Him and Keltas didn’t stand a chance, the silent forest was between them and the far south, and the forest was easily a 8 week walk to get through, and to use horses was out of the question, for the forest gets dense and thick further in and horses would be hard pressed to get past that. where would they get food and water? The elder turned to leave the tent but stopped halfway. “do not take me a for an old fool young Jhag, you will face many a trial but you will persevere”
The words sent a shiver down his spine, he did not like the sound of facing “many a trial”. Despite the stress present in his mind he was able to form a few concise thoughts, and decided to go and pack some food for the long journey ahead of him.
He gathered some meat and bone flour bread, the meat was dried so it would last a few months which would probably be necessary. He selected the largest leather carry-pack he could find and filled it to the brim with meats wrapped in spice and papyrus for preservation. He was aware of the irony seeing as he was most likely the one who had dried and spiced these meats in the first place, he never anticipated needing them. While he was searching for anything else he might need he felt as if he accepted the quest with more haste than he should’ve. Perhaps it would have been better to consider it carefully, and the implications it might have. But he knew that he would have to leave eventually so he decided that it would be for the best to leave as soon as possible and get the journey started.
He heard the rapping of knuckles at his door, he opened it to see the one of the elders holding a satin cloth with something wrapped in it “whats in it?” he inquired “take it and see for yourself” said the elder smiling as if he knew something Jhag didn’t, which Jhag had no doubt was true. He took the package reluctantly, it felt heavy in his hands, he unwrapped the cloth and as the package opened he caught a glimpse of shining metal. After a minute or so of opening he now held a gleaming short-sword in his hand, it was a double edged steel blade with an intricate carving of a dragon on the pommel, despite being a short sword it was large in his hand, a short sword for a short creature. “why do I need this?” he asked, the fear was audible in his voice. “Just in case of any encounters you might have with less than friendly creatures” The elder grinned a devilish grin once again, it made Jhag feel uneasy.
“What do you mean less than friendly?” he asked having a bad feeling about what the reply might be. “Erkengol, Falengol and the creatures of the silent forest are all dangerous, especially to small ones like us” Jhag held the blade at arm length from him, he couldn’t help but swing it a few times, he had to admit he liked the feel of it in his hand. “this sword is the sword forged in dragon-fire, used by the founder of this our town laygendyme to free us from the Falengol dungeons in Ankendyme” Jhag’s eyes widened in awe as he looked upon the blade in a new light, he imagined his ancestors being led to their freedom by this sword. He thanked the elder and closed the door, he marveled at the blade, it thinned towards the end into a tapering tip, the edges looked razor sharp. He had never used a sword before and he prayed he would never have to. He folded the satin cloth into a sheath and attached it to his carry pack, he then sheathed the sword in it. He slung the pack of meat over his back and grunted, it was a deal heavier than he expected, who knew meat was so heavy. Then he had the comforting thought that as they went the pack would probably get lighter, this of course had its obvious downsides because they would have less food as well. He had figured if they ate one strip of meat a day each, they could last 4 months, which was more than long enough to go there and back, or at least he hoped so.
It had begun to pelt down with heavy rain outside, the heavens opened up and it was if Yttra himself was crying down upon the earth, there was still no wind to accompany the torrential downpour. Jhag walked out into the rain to meet back at the elders tent, he tried to shelter the pack with his hands because he didn’t want the meat to get wet and start to sour. Under his feet grass turned to mud as it was thoroughly soaked by the rock sized droplets of freezing cold rain. The most coherent thing Jhag could think over the noise was that at least it wasn’t hail, it would have to be much colder though. He shivered in garments, his fur was soaked through to the skin.
He started his trek up the hill to elder tent, the mud was slippery and he felt like he was sliding back one step for every two he took. After a seemingly long and arduous climb he found himself at the entrance to large tent, the elders sat by a fire with a scared looking Keltas at their side one of them spoke “Keltas has been waiting for you to come, he is eager to leave” Jhag glanced questioningly at the Keltas “He does not look eager, if I may say so, he looks as scared as I am”. The elder replied in a calm manner “Yes he is scared, and so are you, but you are eager as well, I can read it in your face, as I can in his” Jhag muttered under his breath, he had to admit that was eager to leave, but only to get it started before he changed his mind.
He sat himself down next to Keltas. They were all silent for a long time, seemingly consumed by thought. Finally Keltas spoke “when do we leave?” “when the rain ceases” replied one of the elders. The elders were nameless, after becoming an elder their names were forgotten and they were known as an elder, no other title. An hour passed and the rain was showing no signs of slowing, let alone ceasing. The tent had begun to leak despite being made of fire silk, the strongest fabric known to the people of Yttra’su. Jhag spoke “is this a sign from Yttra that we should not go?”. The elder replied in with a ferocity in his voice ‘No. You must go.” The rain continued for another two hours before it started to calm down, by this time the elders had agreed that the party of two would leave tomorrow morning when the earth was dry once again.
They decided to spend the night in the elders tent so that they would not have to trek back to their homes.
Jhag had drifted into sleep on a mat that the elders had provided, In his sleep he dreamt of marching armies, a shadowy figure standing on a great stone wall, he saw the town burning, the people screaming, an army wielding giant iron axes tearing down the homes of lugendrom. Death was everywhere. He awoke to birds chirping in the distance. The sounds of the rain were gone, so Jhag assumed the rain clouds had finally dissipated. He rose from his back and set his feet upon the ground. Keltas was still in deep slumber his, eyelids pulsed and moved as if they were a creature of their own, a bad dream perhaps. He bend down and prodded Keltas’s forehead, his eyes fluttered open and his pupils widened as he rose into the rays of bright sunlight shining through the gap in the tent’s door, the sunlight seemed to shine through the fabric and illuminate the tent a bright orange.Jhag pulled him up by the hand until they stood face to face. The elder was sitting on the floor looking up at them both “the villagers have not been informed of your quest, I trust you to leave silently and not stir up any commotion”
They stepped out of the tent and they exchanged a brief nod before turning due south and starting to walk. As Jhag walked past some of the buildings he recognised, the tavern where he had spent a large portion of his life so far, and the library that was rarely used by anyone. Briefly he wondered if he would ever again see these buildings with their small wooden walls and roofs. He grew anxious as they neared the edge of the village, a few small boys were playing with a piece of timber as if it were a sword, this brought Jhag’s mind wandering to his own sword tucked into the carry pack upon his shoulders. They seemed to be having fun and Jhag remembered playing similar games as a child, but it seemed a lot more menacing now.
The enormity of his task was beginning to sink in as he saw the forest borders on the horizon. He and Keltas didn’t speak as they approached the forest, both of them mute with anticipation. The forest grew closer and closer and finally they found themselves at the edge, it was less menacing than it looked from a distance.
Jhag quickly realised this was the outskirts and was far less densely packed than the rest of it, so it was lighter here. A few select rays of sunlight shone down into the shadows, he took the first intrepid step. After nothing happened he continued to walk and keltas followed cautiously.
As they trekked Jhag noticed that Keltas had brandished his sword, he held it at his side and tried his best to look like he knew how use it. Jhag instinctively drew his blade as well and made a similar gesture with it. After a minute of standing still looking into the darkness that was the undergrowth of the forest, they both sheathed their swords and continued south-east through the trees. Before the village was lost from sight, Jhag turned and said one last goodbye, and for the first time since this had started, he felt the breeze at his back and let out a smile, Keltas saw him smiling and grinned. “Exciting isn’t it?” Keltas asked, as much as Jhag wanted to deny it he was getting a tingle down his spine at sight of the vast unknown stretching out ahead of him “Yes, it is exciting” they grinned at each other and exchanged glances as the morning sun rose in the sky. As the day passed and sun reached its high the shadows began to stretch as noon became night. They started humming a tune as the sun set over trees, it was a song that they had learnt as children, traditional it could be called.
“the sun falls from the darkening sky,
the grey moon rises up on the high,
the raindrops fall to make mud under paw,
the mist is a’rolling off the northernmost shore,
the snow is a fallin o’er the trees
from the land of the frozen northern seas
In winter or summer or autumn or spring
the mist will keep coming and rain it’ll bring
the sun falls from the darkening sky,
the grey moon rises up on the high,
the raindrops fall to make mud under paw,
the mist is a’rolling off the northernmost shore”
They chuckled and decided to eat before they slept for the night, they each climbed a tree and settled in a comfortable crook in the branches. Jhag stared up into the starry sunset sky above him, now it was beginning to get dark. He pulled a strip of dried meat from his carry pack, this one looked like beef, he bit into it and had soon ravenously devoured it, he was tempted to have another but he suppressed his desires. With a satisfied belly and a beautiful view Jhag let himself fall into the peace of sleep. For the first time Jhag awoke not to birdsong, but to a bird on the branch next to him. He watched it go about its business for a few minutes until he heard a yawn, in a tree nearby Keltas was rising from his slumber with a tired look in his eyes. They both clambered down from the heights and Jhag was pleased to set foot on solid ground despite enjoying the view from above.
A realisation that the journey was about to begin was dawning on them both, they each ate half a strip for morning lunch before packing up to the carry pack and using the sun to locate the south. They set off walking once again, the soles of Jhag’s feet were beginning to get sore but he persevered, the pines and various leaved crunched under the pads of Jhags feet.
Keltas also looked like he was getting tired so at noon they briefly stopped to sit down and rest their feet. Keltas brought out some poppy seed and sand grain ointment given to him by an elder, it was for hardening and numbing pads of the feet. They both applied it and let it sink into the skin of their pads before continuing. While Jhag was skeptical it did indeed numb his pads and he walked without discomfort.
Soon Jhag realised they would no longer be able to see the grasslands and rolling hills from the forest and they would be coming into an area of no return. The point at which they would have gone too far to consider returning until they were done. Jhag did not regret going for he had nothing left for him in the village. Neither did Keltas, Jhag wondered if this was the true reason the elders chose them instead of a more logical team, maybe they would have no problem leaving when others would turn back. Keltas pointed out that the trees had been growing closer together for the last few hours of walking, Jhag had begun to notice it earlier but didn’t say anything for fear that he was imagining it. But now that Keltas had brought it up Jhag realised that it was also getting dark despite it being only 4 PM in the summer, it took Jhag a second to realise this was a side effect of the canopy grower closer together, it blocked out the sunlight more. After a few more hours of walking they both craved rest.
They climbed the tree tops once again. Over the trees you could see the outlines of an entirely different mountain range than the point sharp tips of the dragon teeth mountains. The mountains looked much more less pointy, but a lot higher and they were in the south, the direction they were heading. He could still see the tips of the dragon teeth mountains in the north, and the faint glow of the village. He figured that if they kept up pace it would take them another week or so to reach those mountains, but the forest got a lot more dense before that and it might impede travel speed. He couldn’t sleep for a few hours, he lay awake staring up at the stars in the sky, he had never cared much for stars but now there was nothing else but them in the night sky, oddly the air seemed to be thinner and lighter, and he felt like he could float away into the endless sky at any time.
He woke up being shook, Keltas was shaking him “we need to go, the sun has been up for an hour” Jhag bolted to his feet and began to climb down the tree thanking Keltas for waking him.
When he neared the bottom of the tree he leapt the last part of the tree to the ground. He looked to the south and wondered if being one hour late would have any effect, a lot could happen in a hour. He decided to delay no further and set off into the forest with Keltas not far behind. They walked until noon when the shadows were flat on the earth. For a few minutes now Jhag had been catching stray glimpses of something moving in the corner of his eye. It started to unnerve him a great deal, for whatever or whoever it was he could never get a good look at it. It was best described as a strange sensation of something in corner of your eye, looking at you, but the moment he turned to see it… It was gone.
The happenings continued for a the next hour or so before Jhag’s ability to ignore them ran out. “have you been noticing anything strange?” Jhag asked Keltas, as a way of avoiding directly mentioning the thing he had been seeing in case it was his imagination. “No, not really, why do you ask?” before Jhag could reply he felt a rush of air and a sudden pain in the back of his head
he stumbled and fell to his knees, his vision began to darken. He reached his hands to the back of his head and felt a wetness. The world faded to black entirely.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hey there Pernicus!
This reminds me of Lord of the Rings and Eragon. Do you know the books?
I think you've really captured the feel of a fantasy book and you're off to a great start. You've established the plot early on as well as your protagonist. Furthermore, in spite of some very similar things to well-know fantasy books like LOTR or Eragon, there are some pretty unique things here, particularly in terms of what thing Jhag is. It's not often that a protagonist isn't human or some type of humanoid. You seem to have a very creative mind which is a necessity for a fantasy writer!
Nevertheless, I think that there is definitely some room for improvement here, especially in terms of writing style, characterization, grammar, and plot development/flow. I'll go through these one at time so I'm as clear as possible
Style/Point of View/Narration
I get the feeling that you have a lot of ideas when writing because it's all here! That's not a bad thing, but everything in moderation. As it stands, the story is kind of like a list of all of Jhag's (and other characters') actions and observations. Of course, we need to know what is going on, but it is unfortunately limiting the potential of your great story. What readers are really interested in is getting to know the characters, but there isn't much here concerning a point of view that allows this. In fact, the story feels quite objective because all we're reading are what Jhag sees and what Jhag is doing – it's quite to know what Jhag is feeling beyond the surface level. I encourage you to adopt a much more personal point of view (third person omniscient, perhaps?) that will open up the narrative a bit more and encourage the reader to relate.
Everything sort of melds into everything because there is no time taken to really dwell on certain events, highlighting important aspects. This makes reading the story confusing and sometimes a bit dull, because, as the reader, I never feel like there are specific events that are particularly memorable. I think, by taking the time to let events roll out (more detail - but don't overload!), there won't be such a rushed feeling or feeling that this chapters is jam-packed full of things that could really be spread out over one or two or even five chapters.
That's the other thing: there is a lot happening here. There's no need to rush into things – I know, as a writer, it can tempting to just get the show on the road (because let's be honest, that can be the most fun part to write), but we also must be fair and think of our readership, who want to take the time to get used to new characters, new societies, and even new species (like Jhag!). I think you might enjoy spreading things out a bit more, taking the time to delve into their unique qualities to highlight importance – yes, it might take a little longer for Jhag to start his adventure, but it's important to set things up first. In LOTR and Eragon, it took both characters quite awhile before the fun stuff really started happening! It's important to develop character and setting beforehand.
Characterization
Speaking of characterization, I think this is one aspect that you can spend some more time on. I don't feel like I know Jhag all that well, even after all he's been through! Normally, when characters undergo pretty life-changing events, the reader gains insight into their personality and attributes (are they arrogant? are they weak? stubborn? selfish? thoughtless? impulsive? calculating?). By creating inner dialogues, your readership will be able to better understand and relate to your most important character. Jhag feels pretty flat right now, and I think this is mainly due to limited insight in the narration – but this is easily fixed (see point of view).
Plot/Flow
Usually, I wouldn't be these two together but in this case, they seem to be quite attached. As I mentioned before, the events in your first chapter are very rushed and also very many! There's not a problem in having an action-packed chapter but in the first chapter, it's important to set the stage a bit and introduce the new fictional world. Of course, you want to jump in right away but sometimes this can become tedious and have an alienating effect on the reader. When a character is constantly experiencing different things with no time for reflection, it creates a very objective point of view, which often isolates the reader from the story. I think this might have unfortunately occurred in this first chapter, but it's actually easily fixed. The way that you can improve this is by perhaps showing more of what Jhag is thinking, doing, and seeing, as opposed to telling it to the reader. The writer's cliché of "show, don't tell" can be a bit vague and confusing, so here is a link that might help lead you in the right direction.
Nitpicks
The fun part! (Not really – but a necessary evil.)
This is a grammatically incorrect sentence, called a comma splice. Where you have joined two independent clauses (separate sentences), there is a comma when, in fact, this doesn't work. The comma should be replaced with either a period or semi-colon or conjunction. For more clarity on comma splices, click here. I strongly encourage you to proofread your chapter for more of these because there's quite a few.
Only a line or two before is the word "damp" used so it feels kind of weird to use it so soon again. This is just a matter of replacing a word.
Ten. Spell it out – you shouldn't usually use figures in prose. (There are some exceptions of course, but this isn't one of them.)
This is at a part where Jhag is having a look at the view from the top of a hill, but this view is obstructed by fog. One issue: the sentence implies that the hill, not the view, was hindered by the fog and I don't think this is what you meant.
When using the word "audible", it's already implicating the ears. It's redundant to add "to his ears", as there isn't another part of him that can hear (unless there is something you're not telling me).
The assumption is redundant. I think the description has more impact if you leave it at red spray – it's quite a vivid image and I think the reader would be able to infer that it is blood.
I don't know, but "duvet" just sounds out of place in the context of this story. It's too posh a word when compared to the sort of Middle Ages theme of your chapter. This is just a suggestion.
It would be cool to hear this story though a dialogue with Keltas. Remember, dialogue starts a paragraph and isn't hidden in the middle of one.
Overall, this is a good start. You've established the basic plot and the main characters, and now it's just a matter of developing that further and being aware of the effect it has on your readership. Remember to slow down, have fun writing, and take your time to elaborate on the important things, like characterization and key events.
If you have any questions/comments/concerns, please don't hesitate to shoot me a message!
Lav
Fantasydragon01 in the house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First off, I love fantasy to the very depths of my soul. You, here, created a wonderful fantasy story. It was well-written and very creative. You must have used a lot of imagination. The story was well-displayed. I encourage you to write more.
However, yes, that big fat 'however', I did see some mistakes. I saw some spelling errors. "Realise" or "Realisation" I think should have a "z". I may be wrong, but I would prefer that. It is up to you.
You also forgot to capitalize some stuff. Remember: all sentences and names of people and places, begin with a capital letter.
The punctuation was confusing. There were places that lacked commas and periods. Please look into it and fix those errors. There should be a comma after a quotation mark, like this:
...," he said. Something like that. That is very important.
Some side notes, if you write numbers like 8 or 7, maybe you should do "eight" or "seven". I think that would be better. Remember, a smooth story is the way to go. Everyone likes smooth stories.
Do not worry. No one is perfect. I am not perfect. I make mistakes. ( You should the reviews for some of my works---I really forgot to do something to my writing)
Overall, you made a wonderful story. I really enjoyed it.
If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I would be more than happy to answer.
Good luck and keep writing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Very truly yours,
fantasydragon01.
Hi there Pernicus! Well done with this story it was generally very very good and I enjoyed reading it! Maybe add 'fantasy' to the chapters genre.
Some things that I loved were your ideas. I enjoy fantasy that involves made up creatures, and not the classic elves, dwarves, etc. You did that very very well. I can see lots of potential in your created world, here. Your names sound slightly gaelic to me, but I still enjoyed them! I'm guesing Yttra is a god that they worship. Since Yttra appears to be the name of the book, will this god play a big part in the story?
You did a great job with description too. You harnessed lots of the five senses, particularly in the first chapter, that really gave me a proper feel for the wet mountainous environment.
However one thing you could improve on would be the storytelling, because it felt very sudden to me. Jhag starts walking away from this dying man and immediately assumes that this is a quest he's been sent on. Wouldn't he try to find out more about the dying man or why he could have died? Maybe the Elders should consider why these 'armies of the distant north' would be attacking instead of just chucking Jhag onto this quest? If you see what I'm talking about then try to improve on that.
There were a few nitpicks. You forgot to start with a capital letter on lots of the sentences so check for those. Also try to break your paragraphs a bit more! You had huge amounts of text that were fairly daunting to me!
Over all this chapter was very good, just needs a bit of going over. I'm looking forward to the rest of this story. Keep writing!
Thanks a lot man, I will be sure to go over it and check for those capital letters! and I also very much understand what you mean about the first chapter seeming to head into the action a bit too fast. I will definitely try to think of ways I could edit this and lengthen it with more dialogue and explanation. Also I know I didn't mention it but Yttra is the name of the world in which this is set. As for the huge amounts of text I will definitely be breaking those up soon! I will also be uploading a map image for reference to the story and such. Also I will be adding some information about the species to the folder in its own little document. And a very short explanation of the gods of this world in the form of a creation story is on the way. Thanks again