Published August 25, 2015
I see the sky darkens above,
the clouds knit together.
The first wind sweeps in,
weaves between the blades of grass.
I watch the grass sway in the field,
as the soft wind whistles through it.
I see the first drop hit the window,
it slithers down glass like a snake.
Then the second,
repeating the suicidal dive from the clouds.
The third, fourth and fifth.
At first it is a drizzle,
a pitter patter of precipitation.
The turbulent wind shakes the trees,
the water lashes at the window.
The thunder rolls around the city.
In the distance lightning illuminates the dimming sky for a mere instant.
The monsoon has begun.
The voices of my classmates are distant and muffled,
as if I were on the other side of the glass.
I want to walk out of the classroom.
I want to leave and never come back.
I don’t care about the rain and lightning.
If anything will kill me,
its algebra review.
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138,940 Literary Works • 672,331 Reviews
Hey! ChocolateCello here (Again)!
Happy review day!
This poem was fantastic. Your descriptions were beautiful, really pulling the reader in and adding to the atmosphere. I could practically hear the storm. The similes and metaphors were wonderful too. They didn't seem like a stretch, but instead they were very relatable and really added to the descriptions.
The flow was really smooth and everything read nicely. Nothing felt forced or out of place and all the vocabulary tied in nicely with the story.
The ending was by far the best though. It was a bit unexpected (Apart from the title) And I couldn't help but smile.
Keep up all of this amazing work and I really hope to see some new works out from you soon!
-ChocolateCello
Heya Pernicus. This is my first attempt at a review so bear with me.
Let me first say that I really enjoyed the piece. It really felt like I was following the character's thoughts as they came with the way you jumped between short and long sentences, some flowing together while others seemed discordant. Some of the word choices also made it feel a lot more like a personal account than an objective one, which contributes to a very engaging atmosphere. Another thing that may or may not be intentional was the use of personal pronouns. There's a lot of self-reference in the first few lines, which then falls away as the character seems to get lost in his surroundings more and more. It comes back later on as awareness returns, straight after what could be seen as the climax of the character's mental jaunt.
Overall, I feel like you engaged very well with the idea of the stream of consciousness to make an interesting poem.
-Noldor
Hi Pernicus!
I'm glad to see you in the poetry section!
Alright, so I'm going to try to review for you today. First off, I like this kind of poetry because a lot of people can relate to it and I like to see their reactions. Lol. And, second, I want to congratulate you on the imagery; it can keep one quite entertained and that is good, especially when it comes to poetry. However, I think your poem could be improved with a few nitpicks. I noticed how your poetry can sound repetitive at times... not the poetry, but the wording ("I see", "I watched", "I want", "I don't")... There's nothing wrong with using the pronoun "I", at all, but it can surely draw a lot of attention the wrong way; the reader might notice that "I" is doing stuff, and get distracted from the actual message... And, since this is a topic a lot of people can relate to,I would suggest you avoid using "I" as a technique to get the reader to actually have a more personal experience with your poetry. xD
As a second note, I would recommend for you to use stanzas, even though I just read it was on purpose. Because it gives the reader a moment to breathe and take each line more seriously... as in, it gets them to analyze them in depth. I think you're good! Those are just two observations. So I hope it helps somehow, even if it only gets you to think of something else and not what I'm actually trying to express! xD Hahaha. Keep writing!
-Sol
Hi there, Luata here for a review!
Honestly, I know how you feel! It's the second day of high school here and to be quite honest, I am so overwhelmed! But, onto the review!
I really like the way that you spread out the poem with the small things, like the drops of rain hitting against the window and you didn't immediately start out with describing the big picture. That was a really good way to draw readers in.
I also liked the spacing that you used for your poem and how everything seemed to flow pretty well. Unlike deathwave1 I think that a no-stanza style of writing was perfect for this poem and made it just seam together without fault.
Since I am not very good at English I don't do English reviews but I think the emotion presented by this piece is highly relatable. Great work!
-Luata
I like this one. It describes a miserable situation I think we can all relate to in a creative way. I loved how you set it up, with the description of the raging storm. The line about raindrops making "suicidal dives from the clouds" really jumped out at me as excellent imagery. Near the end, when you mention your classmates, the line about muffled voices was another good one.
I would, however, recommend splitting the poem into stanzas. As it is, the work isn't too long to read and comprehend, but it would definitely be an easier read if it was split up. Stanzas also add a sense of organization to your work, and make reviewing easier.
All in all, this is a well-written, relatable poem.
Thank you, I must say the lack of stanzas was on purpose, I have recently been trying to incorporate the format into the theme. It was sort of meant to be tedious and maybe a little disorienting to read just like algebra review. Sounds like a lame excuse but it's true.