z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

A Straw Man On Rolling Tides

by Pernicus


A lone flaming torch lights the darkened street. Cobbled stone on the road cast thin and jittery shadows across the ground. The sea’s scent is clear through the smoke and smell of hay. A straw man stands, arms spread, illuminated by torchlight. He stares out into the rolling waves and white foam of the churned ocean. His beady lifeless button eyes reflect the torchlight. The post he is fastened to has been hammered deep into the sandy roadside. The ragged straw man’s second hand clothing ripples in the sandy seaside wind. His sack head bears no straw hat, for that is worn by his tormentor.

The man’s bony cheeks and pointed nose are made apparent by the darkness around them. His pale blue irises pierce the night. The straw man is locked in his steadfast gaze. He holds the torch up to the overflowing brim of the straw man’s shirt. Instantly the tinderous substance is lit. The individual straw strands blacken and flicker with orange flame at first. Then they ignite with vigorous speed. Flame spreads beneath the once white shirt, now stained by all manner of ungodly substances. Fiery fury erupts from within the straw man’s chest, illuminating him like a lantern.

Inside the straw man, a boy awakens.He struggled with his bindings, all his efforts are to no effect. His guttural screeches of pain are seemingly unheard by the man, who simply smiles in reply. The tufts of pale green grass that sprout from the brown seaside sand reverberate with his echoing cries. The mountains and valleys that border the other side of the cobbled street are silenced by the pained wails. All forms of nature from the resolute oak tree to the humble squirrel cease their every movement. Even the ocean’s tumbling waters seem muted to the single cacophonous cry. The smoke and sea are joined by a third smell, burning meat. The smell, normally related with the best of times, is poisoned and stained by the moment.

The screams reach a crescendo before subsiding to final silent sobs. Then complete cessation overcomes the boy’s body. Him and the straw around him continue to burn. The button eyes begin to melt, dribbling black tears of sorrow down the straw man’s face. The silence the scream created remains. Only the gentle crackling of the inferno is audible now. The strawman’s embroidered smile unravels in flame, the cloth comes apart, and his sack of a head begins to shout fire as the roaring of the smoke and trapped flame bursts out of the artificial maw. A plume of turgid smoke rises into the air.

A grin begins to peak on the corners of the man’s mouth. His eyes glint subtle madness. He had completed it, his life’s work had come to fruition. Just as the flames engulfed the straw man a great wind swept in from the sea.It extinguished the fire and the torch and swept away the rags that fed it, leaving a charred little skeleton with blackened flesh still clinging to it. The ocean began to pull out, the lapping of waves replaced by the running of water. The gale from the ocean with it carried a stench, the reek of a thousand dying men drowning in their own retch. It was the smell of extinction.

As the windy malestrom swept over the now dark cobbled road, it found the trees. Their leaves were nigh torn from the their branches, the grass waved in synchronization. The wind petrified the wildlife, whom scurried not to their dens, but in opposition to the ocean. Regardless of whether or not the animal next to them were predator or prey they all fled in unison from the retreating ocean. The man’s grin stayed etched on his face, he had succeeded where a thousand before him had failed. On the distant horizon something large and monstrous could be seen. It peaked out of the vast swathes of retreating ocean. It’s size was beyond compare, even by silhouette it invoked fear beyond all reason in the man. His urge to run from the godforsaken shore was overpowering, but he held steady.

In the nearby town infants cried kicked, awaking their frustrated parents who tried to soothe them. Church bells rang as the tides of despair rolled over the town. The man stood staring out at the distant behemoth that grew closer by the second, revealing more and more of it’s grotesque figure. The ocean deep could contain it no longer. It was awake. He gave a final baleful smile before pulling the trigger of the small flintlock pistol that he held to his chin. His blood wouldn’t be the last to spill that night.


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Points: 437
Reviews: 4

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Wed Mar 16, 2016 1:54 am
HannahBanana01 wrote a review...



I love the amount of detail that is in this story and it is so well written! I love how the sights and sounds are described! The only things that I would include next time is dialogue and maybe a more complex location. Otherwise great job! My favorite sentence in your story is "He stares out into the rolling waves and white foam of the ocean.". This sentence is my favorite because you managed to put so much detail and information all into one sentence. I would definitely encourage you to keep writing amazing stories like this one! I am really intrigued to read what your other posts are like!




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Points: 1438
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Sun Mar 13, 2016 5:23 pm
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deleted21 wrote a review...



Hello, Pernicus! So, as you've picked this nice story for me to review, I'm here to do so. :) I'm sorry for my inexperienced approach though.

So, the story what you claim to be quite disturbing and based on lovecraftian horror, is very interesting indeed. Though I'll have to say that I didn't understand it much. Reasons: I read horror stories rarely because I simply don't find many to read. So, I think I'll just focus on the writing style (Or format, whichever you prefer to call) here than the plot because, I might not sound relevant there.

First, your descriptive style is stunning. It's exactly the opposite of me. I just sit and stumble while I write something, be it a poetry or story or simply when I talk. I don't know why that happens but it just does. But, you have nailed it there, my friend and that's applaudable and I think you've been told that before. Second, your word choices are brilliant as well. It doesn't sound boring while reading your story when, I suffer from repetitive-word-using-syndrome.

I'm not sure if it's a constructive feedback at all but just few words of appreciation and encouragement. I surely did like the ending very much, it's such a dramatic way to finish, leading to more suspense.

So, very good job indeed. I do hope I'll be able to write like you someday. All the best.




Pernicus says...


Thanks for the feedback, and for the compliments :D
I really went all in on the description here, throwing out any concepts of dialogue or plot, just all description. My normal writings aren't nearly as descriptive. I'm happy to see that going all in on description seems to work quite well. Glad you liked it : D



Pernicus says...


Oh also it doesn't have much of a plot or anything, it's just a guy performing a ritual sacrifice to summon something scary from the sea.



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Reviews: 43

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Sat Mar 12, 2016 7:59 pm
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anniegirl123 wrote a review...



Hey Annie here for a review!

I loved this story! You had so many vivid descriptions and the gruesome deaths of the characters were so well written. And I wonder what exactly the thing coming from the sea is... Really amazing job on this, just a few minor grammar errors I found:

This sentence, "A straw man stands, arms spread, illuminated by torchlight, he stares out into the rolling waves and white foam of the churned ocean." feels like a run on, like it would sound better if separated into two sentences, maybe like, "A straw man stands, arms spread, illuminated by torchlight. He stares out into the rolling waves and white foam of the churned ocean."

Where you wrote "second hand", it should be one word, "secondhand."

In the sentence, "He struggled with his bindings, to no avail." you used past tense when you've been writing in present tense for the whole story so struggled should be struggles.

Again, great work and keep writing! :)




Pernicus says...


thanks for the feedback, glad you liked it and I'll touch up on those errors right away.




I can't understand why people are frightened by new ideas. I'm frightened of old ones.
— John Cage