Prologue
“So where’s the sight? Where’s the tears? Where’s the monster that feeds your fears?”
--“S/h/r/e/d/d/e/d”, by Ending, The Happy
Once upon a time, there was me. And once upon this other time, I was a Hero, or a Heroine if you want to be so technical. This is a story in itself.
And once upon another time, I had two friends named Ryan Bloodgood and Paul Kingston, both of whom were also Heroes. Best friends. Bandmates. School children playing with me in the dust after the P.E. teacher [finally] resigned. So this might be a fairy tale with a happy ending after all, if the pot lasts long enough.
When you live so differently from everyone, your perspective changes too. You catch yourself wondering how humans could live their whole life without a ‘blessing’ and still manage to direct their lives with the drama of a soap opera, or not. Things from outside the window look different than being on the inside, but the only thing is, they’ve locked me out of the house altogether.
Paul, Ryan and I call ourselves blessed because saying that we have magic, well, seems a bit too pompous. So we’ve got our little talents, and we’re happy with what we have. Who needs a lie detector when you can see someone’s memories and erase them? But that’s kind of like asking a writer to choose one: the pen cap or the ink pen? Both has their perks, you can say.
I’m like Ryan, but where he sees the past, I see someone’s present. Like being a human camera, but handier.
Poor Paul feels so left out.
When he touches an object, or a human, he sees the thing that touched it last. We call it pyschometry. Kind of useful for figuring out who snuck into the secret supply of macaroni and sausage, but that’s all he really uses it for anyways.
They call us different. I think we’re talented. They see us as dangerous.
I say we’re in for one helluva ride, and that we’re crashing without the car.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Okay. Thank you!
I've changed my focus to another story, quite sadly. XD But the voice is a lot like the new prologue, just a bit more thoughtful and in a style like Sarah Dessen's.
But I can trust you to be honest with me, so you'll be one of the first to see Chapter One of the new story.
Thank you so much!
Did you actually mean the pot or did you mean the plot? Personally I think pot makes it more exciting...but just wondering if this is a typo haha.
Try not to use "you" so much. "You" makes it too.......blah? I don't even know how to explain it, but you really shouldn't use you because it's not about the reader, it's about the narrator.
All in all, I think this is a much more understandable piece than the first draft (which was completely different). The only thing I liked more about the first one was the depth found in the words. It was very wishy...like..you had to think about it. This is very explained, very teenybopper diary kind of. I think there is a mid point between not understandable at all and too understandable that it's just not quite hitting yet.
Good luck, though!
Happy Editing! (again)
Hi Perf.
I'm going to nitpick first, :]
I didn't like the first part of this. I feel like it was a lot of information that didn't need to be shared....an attempted to make the reader learn something they just don't care about. If the information was important to the story (that 317 am is important, that it was storming, blah blah) it would be a different story. And especially because it says it's deserted, and then the next line says it's not (there is "one").
Choose a differen word for "light". Also this is a run-on, I'd reword and put a period somewhere.
Choose a different word for call. Having "call" and "ring" right next to each other makes the reader think "PHONE!" rather than song. Also the second sentence is confusing, reword.
How do wide eyes look like dimly-lit violet lamps?
Did you mean "he" or "she"? Just like it at frail, or find another way to say that she looked frail without saying she looked frail. Like....skinny arms or something.
It does not matter what size her feet are. Watch for run-ons.
All in all, I think the concept is okay, but it's a bit too flighty for my taste. It's not to the point at all, everything is abstract and those things are contradictory. The first thing that was stated was that it was deserted....but the whole thing is about three people...even though it's deserted. Be careful with your words, it's easy on something like this to get tongue tied without even knowing it.
Hope this helped, happy editing!
V