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Chapter 1
We Are The Warriors
We’re stuck, hanging by our fingers as rabid dogs bite at us. Magic is not on our side today, thanks to Elijah. Aliah is hanging here next to me off of the side of a dock. Bill is on my other side and Elijah is pulling himself up. With adrenaline pumping through my veins, I close my eyes envisioning the dogs laying still, dead. The barking stops and Aliah uses her element and forces us up. Pain darts up my leg and into my lower back. I look to the source of the pain, my foot. The dog had bitten my foot and it was bleeding profusely. Elijah bandages me up and we have to leave.
You’re probable a bit lost…
You know the elements right, Water, Air, Fire, Earth, Time? Yeah, well this is the story of the warriors of these elements. I know, I know, your probably like ‘wait what?’ You always here stories of them and how they’re not real, but I assure you, they are very real. “How do I know?” You ask, well I am one of the seven warriors of elements.
As I said, there are seven warriors. The First warrior to be known of is Elijah. He is 17, tall, skinny, has naturally dark hair, with piercing blue eyes, a beautiful British accent like me, and he is 6’2. Elijah has been fighting since he was 5. I know, thats a long time. Although he has been fighting for almost as long as he can remember, almost everyday he is using a new technique in sparring. Elijah was known as a warrior because when he was three, his parents were killed and he had been perfectly fine. Almost like the story of Harry Potter, except he didn't leave with a scar like lightning on his forehead. He was taken in by the foster care system but he was always getting in too much trouble, and was constantly between homes. On his fifth birthday he was taken away by Gastrin, who I’ll introduce to you soon enough. No one knew where he had gone. It had been days, no weeks before someone decided that he’s just gone, dead most likely. Only they were wrong he had started training almost immediately. Elijah soon discovered his element, Earth. I know its simple but its also a very big deal.
Earth has controls with many elements, and no the elements are not limited to just Fire, Earth, Air, and Time. The elements are a vast range of many things. Death, Fear, so on and so forth. I know if you were to search it only those four would show up, but trust me there are many more.
The second warrior was me, Sarin. My story is long so I won’t explain it all. I’m not a normal Warrior. I have more than one element. Which is nearly unknown of. I have been a warrior since 6. I’m 5’8, 16 years old, long blue hair with black ends, silver eyes and I’m extremely hyper thanks to my ADHD. As I said earlier, I too have a British accent. I first started training when I was seven. Gastrin was a friend of my father’s and when he was killed, he took me in. Gastrin is almost the same as my father, when he smiles he has a lopsided face. His laugh is hearty and its obvious when its a false laugh. When I’m in trouble the same glare appears in his eyes. When he took me in, he explained to me the kind of person I was. He taught me how to fight, and survive. Gastrin also taught me how to tell if someone else is like me, a warrior. I am the successor of Gastrin if he were to die. Every secret Gastrin has ever had, will be given to me to know. I would train new warriors and find new ways to survive. Until then though, I must be quiet, no one else knows about this. I found my element at 8. It hit me like a boulder. I am the warrior of fear and death with the exception of divination. I can see into the future thanks to Gastrin. My father’s death was because of me, his fear was losing me and being killed. I was angry at my father the night he died, he died because of me. I didn't even think about it, it just happened. Remember when your parents would tell you to, “Be careful of what you wish for!” Please remember that when your angry, because you wouldn't want to actually loose that person. Trust me, if I could go back and be seven, I would.
Then we have Bill. He has been fighting with us for five years. I helped find him. Gastrin knew of a young Warrior who could control time. Let me tell you he was hard to find. His father lived off grid so it was almost nearly impossible. His father was always afraid of some cyber attack or something so he was never using credit cards, internet, nothing like that. He had no footprints to lead up to him. I didn't even know what he look like at the time. Eventually, we found Bill. I used all databases and did a satellite scan. Although I did not know what he looked like, when he was born I found records of him as a child. Using Satellite scan I could scan the record of him which included his kindergarten photo his father posted online before disappearing. Using the scan I upgraded three years to when he was eight which is how old he was, and scanned areas to find any similar person. However, through photos you can’t see an aura. In order to find him before he moved to a new location I had to leave with Elijah and Gastrin and scout specific areas. Once we found Bill, we basically had to explain this to his father, because I could sense his father’s worry and fear of losing BIll, I had to promise that he’d be okay. He would be training with someone extremely gifted because I knew his element already. Time, one of the most delicate elements of all. If you change simple things in time, it could destroy the entire universe. As the doctor once stated, “People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect but actually from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it’s more like a big ball of Wibbly Wobbly… Time-y Wimey…stuff.” Think of it as a rug, remove strands of the rugs and you create holes. Holes that aren’t quite the same once their fixed. Anyway, he is to be trained with Elijah on Saturday, Monday, Tuesday, on Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays, he trains with me.
Time cannot be controlled by a simple idea or progression, but by a more complex secondary thought.
The fourth warrior is Aliah. Aliah is exceptional at her training, she usually is sparring with the advanced though. When she spars with more advanced such as Elijah who is nearly perfect she seems less advanced than she is. However, when she fights with people with similar capabilities she is like basically the Elijah of her group. She is 15 years old, 5’5, platinum blonde hair, and she is pretty skinny. She has been fighting for only a couple years. I found her, about two years ago. She was fighting with her mom when all of a sudden a ghastly cold force of air knocked through her house nearly breaking her windows. If it hadn’t been that obvious, you still have her aura that glow when she is angry. Invisible to the naked eye though, she is usually not glowing with her aura. Most of the time it’s impossible for a warrior as myself to see the Aura, however as I said Gastrin has taught me a lot. As I was the only one who knew Aliah’s element, I was forbidden to tell anyone. Finding your element is like opening a gift on Christmas morning. If I were to tell her, not only would she not be excited or surprised, but I could loose nearly all of my training. When Aliah found her element-air- it was the most excited I had ever seen anybody over an element. She also has the ability to summon lightning. This is not a second element, because if you think about it electricity is just the rubbing of air particles at a rapid pace. No she can’t control electricity, but if you were wondering I was hoping she could.
The other warriors, well no one knows them. However you may believe it is time to introduce Gastrin. Gastrin is 66, medium height, long grey hair, faded eyes that show nearly constant sadness, and he is very wrinkly. Gastrin is not a warrior of any element. He is the overseer. HE can see far into the future and far into the past. HE has been told the things he needs to do as far as training us goes. However, he never knows who is going to be his next warrior. HE is forbidden to see it. Gastrin is a fighter, if you tell him he can’t do something, he finds a way to do it. Where do you think I got it? Life for him is Fading, I worry of losing him because he is using so much energy to train us. In a few months, Elijah and I are to take over training him, until my private training is complete with Gastrin. After we take over, Gastrin is to watch us and well, decide if I’m ready to work alone. Basically, Gastrin is the founder of the warriors.
The warriors have been introduced, so maybe it’s time to explain the predicament we’re in at the moment. We are a few of the seven warriors. Well, what should be seven. The others have yet to be found. Anyway, we have to find the others before they get to old to be trained. So we were on a quest. The quest was simple, find another warrior and bring them back safe. We tried, someone or maybe even something is trying to stop us.
Think of it as a chess game, think ahead. Simple right? Wrong, time is not only limited, but I don’t know who is trying to stop us so I can’t figure out how to distract them with fear. Bill can’t stop time yet, well because the one trying to stop us is very overwhelming with magic.
Elijah has become entirely to tired for his powers. HE has been using his element to protect us. Aliah was now in full advance with a swirling vortex of air engulfing us to bring to our spot of investigation. Air rushes around us as we settle into place. Our hair is everywhere, and Elijah runs his fingers through his hair and puts a hood on. I glance down to my black hoodie. It had White letters on the arm that said Black Veil Brides and the Right arm said Army. I Throw my hood up copying Elijah.
To our left is a small set of houses, five or six. To our right trees surround a huge lake. The lake has a dock that drops in to the lake. Below the dock is a tiny platform. Wind starts swirling around us, for a second we think it’s Aliah. I glance at her but she is confused as to what’s happening. She collapses to the ground and writhes in pain.
Something happened, everything had stopped and was standing eerily still. Bill was frozen, Aliah was frozen, Elijah was frozen. Everyone except me was frozen. Next thing I see is Bill moving. I was positive he was frozen a moment ago. Now he is moving freely. He walks over to me, and the look in his eyes tells me that he not in control of his body. He forces his hands out to me. For a moment, I thought he was going to slap me. Next thing I feel is my entire body burning as if I was in a furnace.
The next second I’m on the ground and everything is blackened.
I wake, and I try to move but a hand pushes me down. I follow the arm, Aliah and Elijah are standing there watching me. I grim expression plastered all over Elijah’s face. He pulls out a letter from his pocket and hands it to me. I don’t open it immediately, instead I look around for Bill. I remember what happened and I was afraid he wasn’t going to gain control again.
I look over seeing Bill in the corner with his head in his hands. I became worried and asked Elijah what had happened.
“Time stopped, it’s as if everything in the world was being paused. Life had stopped, and the only one who could have done it was Bill.”
“What do you mean time stopped, like nothing was happening at all?”
“Exactly, when everything continued you were on the ground collapsed and Bill was a few feet away hyperventilating,”
Pain darts up my side and I double over. Elijah presses his hand and more pain darts up my side, then it turns into a dull throb.
“Uh, thanks.” I blush and stand up.
I walk over to Bill and sit down. He glances up and apologizes immediately. Sorrow fills his eyes and he tucks his head back into his knees.
“What exactly happened earlier?” I questioned, still not being able to remember it fully.
“I-I don’t know, I just- I- It felt like I wasn’t in control anymore. It was as if my body hand been controlled by those stupid helicopter controllers. Ooh! Speaking of which I had one of those when I was like five, my dad had bought it for me. I had never had one before so I would fly it into my sister’s room to annoy her.” He finishes.
“Ookay…”
We laugh and he starts on another random topic.
“You know time is so delicate kinda like a butterfly, oh wait. I don’t really like butterflies, the are just over cheerful moths, and one time I was bitten by a moth.”
“Bitten by a moth?” I question.
“Uh, yeah…You probably don’t want to know…”
He and I stand up and walk over to the rest of the people, that being Elijah and Aliah. We interrupt their conversation which was something along the lines of which element is better. I step forward between the two and glare at Elijah. A smirks plasters on his face as I shoot up in the air, the ground on which I was standing had been launched up.
I freeze. Nothing is moving except my mind,it’s buzzing, it’s as if time had stopped. I try to move my hand but I can’t. Next thing I know I’m on the ground and able to move. However, no one else is except Bill. His is laughing slightly. I quickly pick up on what I’m supposed to do. In my head I’m trying to figure out how I can move, I mean I’m not touching Bill, so why can I move and see everything? I drop the topic for now and I move behind Aliah ready to strike fear.
Everything is moving again as Elijah screams and Aliah falls into a hole, the hole leads up to the sky which there is another hole which is going to create a lasting loop. One her many fears falling from a height
Screams echo around Aliah as she falls in a repeating loop,
“This” Whoosh
“Is” Whoosh
“Just” Whoosh
“Like” Whoosh
“portal!!!” Whoosh Whoosh Whoosh. Aliah is screaming as she flies through the holes over and over again.
I close the bottom hole and in place is some cushioning so she won’t die when she lands. When she hits the ground with Elijah, who was still screaming as he went higher, Bill and I are on the ground laughing. Aliah’s hair is everywhere and Elijah’s is somehow perfect. Well in my opinion.
Aliah and Elijah stand up, fear obvious on their face. When they stand up, a wild look appears into their eyes. “If-you-ever-do-that-again-I-will-kill-you.” Aliah says so quickly it’s hard to understand what she said.
“I swear Sarin, you’ll be the death of me.” Elijah smiles
“yeah, yeah, whatever.” I return back.
Elijah glances to Bill, who is still laughing, and uses the ground to tilt him forward so he falls flat on his face.
“Okay, Okay, fun’s over. We have got to keep moving.” I finally state after helping Bill up.
We start our trek again climbing and clambering and repeating. All of a sudden a Elijah collapses, he nearly hits the ground, but Aliah holds him up with the force of air. She slowly lowers him as lighting surrounds us. Streaks across the sky lighting up the now darkness.
Elijah stands up after a few moments passed. We had all stopped moving and were waiting for him, when he stood up the lighting stopped. It’s as if it had never even happened. His face darkens and he glances to me,
“Have you read the letter yet?” He questions as if it was a dangerous subject.
“Uh, no, n-not yet.” I stutter out. I don’t know why I was so afraid all of a sudden. It’s like heat struck me. My body burned and I couldn’t move, its kinda like being frozen in ice, except it burnt.
I can see everyone crowding me and next thing I feel is sleepiness, as if someone had put magnets on my eyelids and was forcing me to close my eyes. Power so strong it was physically hurting to keep my eyes open. My eyelids drop partially and so do I. As I fall to the ground, I feel a hand slid under me.
I manage my eyes open only to see that we had moved. He were now setting up camp by a dock. As soon as I saw the dock, my heard burned and I felt as if I was going to pass out again.
“Hey, careful there.” A voice oh so familiar reminds me.
I turn around and Elijah is sitting a few inches away from me. He has his sword laying next to him and a small fire next to us.
“Wh-what happened?” I question rubbing my head. Feeling my head buzz I pull my hand away.
“You collapsed, you’re magic from earlier weakened you. Your magic was supposed to be protected on this trip but you didn’t read that not. I enchanted the note sent from Gastrin so that we you read it, it was going to give you protection. You are one of the most talented warriors I have met, besides myself.” He winks with a laugh at his little joke.
“So you wrote whatever is in the letter?”
“No, Gastrin sent me a letter and he sent you a letter. I believe it has to do with training. You know, Gastrin grows weak right Sarin?”
“Yes, his eyes remind me of a torch when the batteries start to run out. It flickers with light and then fades. It hurts me to see him this way.”
“You know I am actually scared Sarin. I don’t know how the others will take it.” He whispers close to me.
I glance over a few yards away and the others are setting up some food, Aliah using her electricity to show off to Bill.
“When do you think They’ll start dating?” I question to Elijah.
“Oi! That would be priceless. However, they don’t seem interested in each other like that.” He laughs lightly on the last part. “Can I ask you something?”
“Yeah, sure, what do you need?”
“Are you scared? Like actually scared?”
“Yeah. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t think I am going to be able to handle it properly. He is well, he’s like my father. I don’t want to loose him again.”
“I don’t know how anyone of us are going to cope. I mean he has been with you and I from the start.”
“No, I was 6 when I started training.”
“Trust me you weren’t.” He adds a playful wink I try to ignore but a laugh escapes my lips.
“So, what happened?” I ask after our laughter ends.
“Your powers over elements has not been harnessed correctly, I noticed this early. That’s why I enchanted the letter.”
“Have you read your’s yet?” I glance nervousness spreading inside me.
“No, I think we should read them at the same time.”
I nod and he pulls out his letter.
“1..2..3”
We open our letters and unfold them, reading them together.
“What? What the heck is this supposed to mean!?” Elijah nearly screams grabbing the attention of Aliah and Bill.
They come over here just as I finish reading my letter. I let it sink into my brain as the letter slowly feels like it’s breaking. Not physically, but emotionally it breaks not itself, but me.
Gastrin died, he was gone. I knew I had seen something wrong with him. It’s as if he was trying to warn me, but I was to foolish to notice. I look over at Aliah and Bill who are trying to figure out what’s up with Elijah. He throws his letter at me pointing to the paper. By this time Aliah and Bill have left, figuring it would be best, and I couldn’t agree more.
“Tell me what the HECK that is!” He shouts at me. He puts his finger on the page pointing to it.
“I’m so sorry Elijah, but as you know, I’ve been training you and Sarin to succeed me. However, I have been privately training Sarin to become the succeeder of me. As of you reading this letter I am dead.
Sarin is to take my place as trainer and you as her assistant. Do not feel as if this unfair. I have chosen carefully.” I finish reading with wonder in my mind. I look at my letter and compare it to my letter. My letter only says how he has died. Nothing about how I’ve been “chosen.” Did he know that I was going to read this? If so how?
“I-I don’t know Elijah. I was training for this. Just as you were.”
“I’ve been training for ages. I was working with Gastrin before my tenth birthday!”
“Listen, I” I was abruptly cut off when I started flying through the air.
As I shifted my body around while flailing, I see what threw me up. It was the ground. Just as before a couple hours ago when new were messing around. This time, Bill didn't joke around and stop time. I shut my eyes ignoring fear.
If I ignore the fear coursing in my veins burning like lemon on a wound, I can gain control of elements. Thinking hard on how to reverse my element, I relax. Next thing I feel is a slap. My back had hit the ground. I had tricked my body into ignoring any fear to help me reverse the attack.
I immediately move, glancing for Elijah. He was approaching quickly. Stones and dirt creating a swirling vortex of pain. I focus on him. My eyes closing as my hands raise from my sides.
My stomach lurched as I forced my hand forward. Feeling a forceful resistance signaling my attack was working. I hear a groan of pain as I open my eyes. Elijah had his back pinned to a large boulder. His face turning red from the strain. Unknown of what I had done I focus my eyes on his. Trying, searching for what fear was pulsing through his veins.
I quickly realize that it had been strangulation. I quickly remove the force and he collapses to the ground, but not before he whispers something under his breath barely audible.
Hello! This is my review:
Overall, this was a very good story and I'm very excited to see what happens next. I really liked how you didn't reveal your main character's power (Ability? Element?). It added a type of suspense (or mystery?) that makes a reader want to read more. (Or maybe you did and I completely missed it.) I like those types of stories.
Your descriptions are also really good.
However, there are a few grammar errors. But that's nothing a few good (not to mention hard) looks at each sentence.
I also found that describing the height of your characters was a bit... Unnecessary? But some writers have their own thing that they like to do. That's just my personal opinion.
On another note, the part of your story where you were talking about Gastrin was a little strange because you were spelling 'he' in capital letters. (HE!!!!!!!) Speaking critically, it seems a little pointless and like you're accusing him (HE broke little Jonny's leg! HE threw the dog in the barn! HE ran through Mrs. Gordon's clothesline!). Speaking as a reader, however, I am curious as to why it's like that. Is it a special kind of emphasis that will soon play out in future chapters? Or maybe that's just your writing style.
Lastly, I was a bit confused by the whole pain thing at the end. Could you have possibly explain (in greater detail, maybe?) what was happening? Will the whole scene play out for future chapters? I don't know!
Overall, (again) your story was very good and I enjoyed myself by reading this. I don't think I can wait for the next chapter. (Ok, I assume there will be more. One usually doesn't put 'Chapter 1' in the title if there won't be more.)
Good job!
Hey! I know a lot of people have already left reviews, but I liked your story, so I'll just leave one of my own.
First of all, in the beginning, you used long, somewhat confusing paragraphs. It's okay if that's just your style, but it was a little difficult to digest as a reader, and I sometimes ended up getting lost. Maybe break them down into smaller parts.
Another thing was how the story flowed. In introducing the characters and the setting, you kept backtracking and sidetracking a lot. This made the story kind of hard to follow. For example, while you were describing Elijah, you said you would get around to Gastrin. Then you moved on to the elements, then jumped to Sarin, back to Gastrin, back to Sarin, and eventually back to Gastrin. It may have been better to keep these people separated, just so the reader doesn't get lost, right?
As some others pointed out, you did fumble a little with the tenses. It can sometimes be difficult to keep track of tenses, especially if you are writing something in a different tense than you normally would. You just need to plan sentences before you write them is all.
While I do like getting to know the characters it's hard to keep your reader interested with blocky paragraphs. It would be better to introduce them slowly, one by one, and through actions rather than descriptions. Show their personalities by how they interact with one another. I know that can sometimes be hard, especially with Gastrin since he wasn't actually present, but try to explain characters as they become relevant. Focus on the story as you show us the characters, because that's the part everyone's interested in.
Another thing about the characters, you introduced a lot about their back stories, but not much on their personalities. It's nice to learn about a character through how they behave, not how they were trained.
Aside from that I noticed a few run-on sentences, but those are easy to correct.
I like where this is going and I can't wait to read more. Hope this helped!
Okay, this story is absolutely awesome and I enjoy it very, very much.
A few nitpicks though
You’re probable a bit lost…
This should have been "Probably," not "Probable."
You keep capitalizing "he." It looks like you are trying to make a point. If you are, use italics.
Why did you capitalize the "R" in "Right," when you were explaining your jacket?
Other then these few things, I absolutely loved, and enjoyed the story!
Keep writing!
Signing off
~FallForYou
Hey! So I'm back for the second part.
Honestly, not a lot to say.
Keep an eye on the tenses. You slipped up a few times.
Also, there's a lot of passing out/strange anomalies and nobody seems to care. Maybe just have someone run to check Elijah pulse when he falls or something. Idk, maybe I completely overlooked an explanation for this but-
Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello
Hey! ChocolateCello here for a requested review!
I've only read half of this so far but I'm running short on time and I want to give some suggestions while they're fresh in my head. (I'll come back and review the last part when I get the chance )
You’re probable a bit lost…
a beautiful British accent like me,
HE can see far into the future and far into the past. HE has been told the things he needs to do as far as training us goes. However, he never knows who is going to be his next warrior. HE is forbidden to see it.
It had White letters on the arm that said Black Veil Brides and the Right arm said Army. I Throw my hood up copying Elijah.
Hey, Perf. Joopeetah here for a lil' review!
I noticed in this chapter that you kept switching between present and past tense. You need to pick one, as not to confuse your readers. Examples of when you did this:
You’re probable a bit lost…
Yeah, well this is the story of the warriors of these elements.
As I said, there are seven warriors.
I know, thats a long time.
You mean: "It had been days, no, weeks" italicize the "weeks" and "days" to bring in emotion to those words.It had been days, no weeks before someone decided that he’s just gone, dead most likely.
I didn't even know what he look like at the time.
Holes that aren’t quite the same once their fixed.
but if you were wondering I was hoping she could.
Elijah has become entirely to tired for his powers
“portal!!!” Whoosh Whoosh Whoosh
A voice oh so familiar reminds me.
“You know I am actually scared Sarin.
Whoa, what a cliffhanger. Good note to end the chapter on--it leaves us with a little bit of a mystery (what did Elijah say? Is he going to die or did Sarin stop strangling him early enough to save him?), a little suspense.
However, earlier in the chapter you killed the suspense when you stopped in the middle of the action to give us a bunch of backstory. I'm talking about the part that starts with this:
You’re probable a bit lost…
Think of it as a chess game, think ahead. Simple right? Wrong, time is not only limited, but I don’t know who is trying to stop us so I can’t figure out how to distract them with fear. Bill can’t stop time yet, well because the one trying to stop us is very overwhelming with magic.
Hello there! I'm here to deliver a review. Now, I'm a really big fan when it comes to being able to control elements, and since you added the Doctor in there, well. I kinda freaked out. In a good way.
Anyway. Onto stuff.
By the way, I'm doing this as I read it since this is so long. One thing I will say is to split up your paragraphs. Yes, I know. A paragraph is supposed to contain one main idea and that's why it's so long. But it's acceptable to have two separate paragraphs that have the same idea. Does that make sense?
Stuff
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Reviews: 298
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