Published February 12, 2010
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129,613 Literary Works • 671,509 Reviews
All right, as the biggest Killers fan on earth, I appreciated your little song "snippets" or whispers.Just make sure you credit them, as you kinda have. I liked this, it was a nice, fast read. I couldn't find any stand-out errors, and your plot was good. Nice job overall. Keep writing!
--Dreamy
I really liked this. It capturedher emotions perfectly. First it was sadness then astonishment when he came back. I think this could go far. hat could be a prolgue, then for the story you could explain the breakup/ dissappearance of him.
Hope i helped.
Biffle1
Hi
The critic before me already talked about grammar problems (which is good because I'm not very good at correcting grammar). However, I do agree with him or her in that I didn't exactly get a full picture of what was happening or where the story was heading. But, I still liked it a lot and (at the risk of sounding cliche) it was well written. You did a good job of trying to put your vision on paper...or on computer screen.
I think I fixed most of those problems just now. That "orantabby" typo isn't showing up on my computer. ._. Strange.
And, I've owned a tabby that was quite orange.
Spoiler
Kind of like this.
When I edited the story just now, I changed the word orange to ginger.
Sorry about the switching persons. At first, I was writing it in first person and I guess I missed that sentence.
Hai!
It might be better if you combined these two sentences, as when I read “other sounds” and was brought up short by the full stop, I was already wondering why you hadn’t said what the other sounds were. If you joined them by a dash or a colon it would be less disjointed, I think.
Also, you switch persons with “my own heavy breathing” – shouldn’t that be “her own heavy breathing”?
Is it vital to the story for us to know her eye colour? This feels like you’re just throwing this in because you want us to know what colour her eyes are, just for the sake of knowing what colour her eyes are.
Also, “watching her world crash” is incredibly vague. More details, more specific descriptions of the death, doom and destruction would be nice; and less melodramatic.
Cats = cat’s
Very tell-y. You could make it more subtle by taking out the first part and making it like, “She saw a strange tabby sitting in front of her as though nothing was happening.”
I assume you mean “orange tabby”? Tabbies aren’t orange; they’re more brown or grey.
Doors knob = doorknob
~
This was very short – too short to really see where it’s going, but it was quite well written and very easy to read. ^_^
However, I did feel that there was a great lack of description. You’re the only one who can see the story in your head, so you have to describe it to us. It was quite a way through the story that I realised the house was on fire; you kept on saying that her world was crumbling, her doom was coming, and all, but you didn’t specify what. It could have been an alien princess watching the Death Star drawing close before pulverising her home planet, or whatever. You were too vague in the beginning, and too obvious in other places.
Don’t say that Natalie’s parents were away from home when Natalie’s in the fire; it’s a crucial moment in the story, so you want the reader’s attention to be focused on the important stuff, viz. Will Natalie Get Out Of There Alive? You can explain things in more detail later on. It’s good to have a priority in each scene so your writing doesn’t ramble.
I hope this helped!
-twit