Year One - Chapter 1

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                                                                                     Chapter 1 - Fate

It was a very cold winter, possibly the coldest one that I could remember. I was 16, way too young to have my life change so severely. But I guess I’m getting ahead of things. Allow me to introduce myself, I’m Grant Viera, the only living vigilante in Mayfly city. This is a place riddled with crime and violence, crooked cops and politics funded by the local crime syndicate. The crime syndicate in question actually plays an important part in the beginning of my story; they’re called the “Armata De Ura”, roughly translated from Romanian it means “Army of Hate”. Their leader is Cornel Constatin. He is a hot tempered, skyscraper of a man who seems perfectly crafted to give Atlas a hand and take on the responsibility of holding up the Earth. So picture this, a snowy day in a sprawling and crime ridden city, a 16 Year old boy headed to school with his Nightwing t-shirt, blue jeans, coat and a hat that covered a trimmed head of hair. Here is where our story begins, where a hero rises and a villain becomes much more treacherous.

Not much was going through my head at the moment; I was just on a mission to get to school before the bell rang. It seemed like a normal day, it was just cold as hell. “Cold as hell”? That doesn’t make sense, does it? Whatever, so I was about 3 blocks away from my school when it happened. Out of nowhere some thugs from the Armata De Ura ran out of the bank that I was just about to pass, I was pushed over by one of them and all that I could recall was passing out. Eventually I found out that I hit my head on a fire hydrant. But when I passed out… I had this vision, the vision that started it all. I was sitting in a large area of nothingness. It seems that I existed inside of an endless and self-containing environment of different color lights. It reminded me of the Aurora Borealis phenomena. This place had no sense of a finite space. There were no floors, no walls, and, of course, no roofs. A man walked towards me. His face was scarred and horribly aged, his robe that glided just above the floor seemed to have blended in with his surroundings. We both looked at each other in silence. He seemed familiar with me, yet I had no idea who he was. He told me his name was Val-Ki. He had a message for me, “Young Grant Viera, today is a momentous day for all life on Earth. For this unworthy planet shall gain a hero… you are that hero. Today, you become the master of all mind and matter, time and space, energy and light. Eventually, you will become powerful beyond belief, but that day is not today. You shall train until you reach your highest potential, when that day comes, you will meet your greatest challenge ever. How you fair in that challenge shall decide the fate of this Earth and, eventually, the entire universe.  Sure, you may begin this journey as a fearful, fragile boy, but you shall become the greatest warrior in the galaxy. Trust my words for I’ve seen your future legacy.”

So many things ran through my head when he said that, I had so many questions but none of them could be answered. He disappeared just seconds after the last word left his mouth. He seemed to have faded into, what I can only assume was, infinity. I snapped out of the vision to see my mother and father hovering over me. I was lying in a hospital bed at Jefferson Memorial Hospital. This was the first time that I saw them together, and not fighting, in at least 2 years. Both of them looked worried like any decent parents would. My mother had tears in her eyes and my father’s expression was two clicks away from his normally stoic look towards concerned. They were talking to me, I can’t recall a thing they said, my mind was too preoccupied with what I had just seen. I wasn’t sure if it was a dream or reality. It seemed real, but it could’ve been an effect from the concussion I was in the hospital for. He said I was the master of mind and matter, time and space, energy and light… but I feel no different. Maybe it was all a dream. But it what if it was real?

I spent the next two weeks at home to recover. The doctor told me that if my head had hit the fire hydrant at just an inch to the right, I wouldn’t be here. I was lucky. Since my mother had to work during the week, I was home alone for most of the day. I spent that time researching “powers of the mind” because, if what I had dreamed up had any actual bearing in reality, then I could use my mind to manipulate reality. I ran over this website that discussed this man from the 18th century, he was telekinetic. He spent his entire life teaching others how to manipulate the world without ever touching things. He had countless books written up on the subject. The man who ran the website claimed to have been the great-great-great grandson of one of his students. He had a detailed explanation on how to “unlock your mind’s potential”; I looked at the method and copied it word by word.

1.     Find an object to manipulate.

2.     Create a clear picture of it in your head.

3.     Focus only on the object.

4.     In your mind, attempt to bend it.

Obviously I was skeptical. The website had a disclaimer, “Only those who train for years may be able to unlock this ability”. Yea, sure, that’s just a way to hide their bullshit. But even with all of my skepticism, I attempted this feat. I followed the technique faithfully.

1.     Find an object to manipulate. (I used this pen that was on my table)

2.     Create a clear picture of it in your head.

3.     Focus only on the object.

4.     In your mind, attempt to bend it.

My eyes were closed, and all I could hear was a snap. I opened my eyes to see it… the pen… the pen had been bent in half. It worked! With all of my joy and excitement, I didn’t realize all of the ink that had been splashed all over my computer screen. I realized that my vision was not a creation of my imagination, it was real, that man was real, and my powers are real! But suddenly this morbid thought hit me with a cold and unsettling shiver of my spine, “Every human being on this Earth relies on me, a 16 year old kid with the ability to break pens. Great…”

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StoryWeaver13
Review

Things I like:
-"He is a hot tempered, skyscraper of a man who seems perfectly crafted to give Atlas a hand and take on the responsibility of holding up the Earth." <-This line is great.

-"my father’s expression was two clicks away from his normally stoic look towards concerned." <-Again, I just love the wording for some reason. ^_^

-Plot-wise, this sounds really interesting, and I'd definitely be willing to read the next chapter.


Things that need work:

-Your introductory paragraph was pretty typical and cliche; it would've been nice to see you open this in a really different direction. It wasn't bad, but it was lackluster.

-You rush to give us background information and details. This is obviously an important thing to do when you're creating your own sort of world, but bring it into full light gradually, and through showing rather than telling.

-"Out of nowhere some thugs from the Armata De Ura ran out of the bank that I was just about to pass, I was pushed over by one of them and all that I could recall was passing out. Eventually I found out that I hit my head on a fire hydrant. But when I passed out… I had this vision, the vision that started it all. I was sitting in a large area of nothingness." <-Again, you're rushing, which also ruins the transition.

-Grammar. I can't stress this enough.

You rush, and that's your largest concern. If you manage to rein in what sounds like a very big and daunting story, it could potentially work out really well - but pace it. Don't dump everything into the first chapter, 'kay? ;)

Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

I needed somebody to tell me that it's okay to just spread things out. I'm always afraid that people will get bored or turned off by me being too wordy. And I'm a huge grammar freak but sometimes my internal grammar cop is off duty. But thank you so much for this review. I've already got the second chapter written so I'll be posting it soon after another revision. And I'll definitely add more details and allow the story to flow easier on this chapter.



There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
— William Shakespeare