he sun was out as we walked home, my dad and I, but It was cold. My ears and fingers were numb, but it was a good feeling. I wondered if I’d always feel like this. I look down at my feet. I feel things change with each step. Milk expires within three weeks, I wonder when moments expire. I noticed my purple converse, and wonder if my feet will always be this size. I wonder how long I will wear these shoes.
I look up at my dad. He looks young. I wonder how long he’d look like that. What will it be like when I’m not with him anymore? I think it will feel different. I look at the houses on the street. I wonder where I’ll live when I’m older. I pick out a house that I like, small and stucco, under a maple tree, and I Imagine living there. I look in the porch and imagine myself looking out. The patch of dirt in the yard seems to be just exactly where it should. If I lived there, would I have kids of my own? I see them playing in the side yard. The view from the stoop is nice, I can see the art on the side of a yoga studio one house away. I look in the window as we pass it.
Than my dad talks to me, and its like he’s been reading my mind this whole time. He says his grandpa used to run a dentists office in that building where the yoga studio is, and whenever he went to get his teeth cleaned as a kid he would cross the street and get an Ice-cream cone, he says there used to be dairy queen where that restaurant is now. I imagine the dairy queen filling up that lot. it would fit nicely. “I used to play outside that building,” he says, “and here we are walking around, thirty, forty years later…” I wonder what thirty, forty years later will look like for us, now. We turn into our alley, and I look at all the things that are comforting and familiar to me now, and I wonder if I’ll remember them the same then.
I've heard that every time you think of a memory, you change something about it in your head. So, memories you think of more often are the ones you remember less accurately. I realize this moment has expired. I’ll try no to think about it anymore. I want to remember it the same.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,832 Reviews
Hi, Hope! Here's a review for your work.
That's a cool name - The shelf life of a moment. Pretty one. I really loved it. It sounded a bit unique to me. And the story is unique,too. You have got a great line of thinking, dude!
I think, the story would be greater if you changed some things in it. These things are- Punctuation, Grammar, Tense, Spacing, Appropriate words.
You have to give correct the mistakes in grammar, specially in tense. Also, the story sounded a bit confusing to me. I could picture that a girl and her father were having a walk. But I thought,the picture wasn't so clear either. Also, the description about the things that the girl saw and thought of, it seemed a bit misarranged. I just felt, that the description was forced or it just came out of the blue. Just enlarge the description so that the ideas come together well. So that they don't look like they were placed there forcibly.
And the last para was amazing. I mean, you just portrait the meaning of the whole story there. I really loved the line, "So, memories....less accurately" However, I couldn't get the next lines. At first. Then, after reading the second time, I got that. But, I think, you should explain it a little bit more, not much more or it will not sound good, the last things that you said.
That's all from me. Hope it helps.
There are a couple typos that really mess up the flow of the story. Especially the small amount of dialogue you have. I think your syntax (sentence structure could use some work. Your first sentence:
"The sun was out as we walked home, my dad and I, but It was cold."
This sentence could be said like so:
"The sun was out as my dad and I slowly strolled home. A warm breeze brushed past but I shivered nonetheless."
A good idea while writing is to show rather than tell. You say "...but it was cold." Which is telling. As opposed to that, to show something would be to say how the character sees it or what he\she feels at that moment.
Another thing you need to fix is the dialogue. You need to space it out, just try to indent each line, capitalize the beginning of each line, all that good stuff.
I like the imagery you use. I like the flow of the story. I like the subtle hints of emotion you use.