I write this at midnight because that's when most of my thoughts come out of hiding. At this time I'm realizing that because I'm so spacey and also hard of hearing, that I don't let myself trust my eyes and ears. If I see or hear something that's amazing or explanatory of other happenings in my life, I dismiss them as my imagination because I know I’m probably just fooling myself, in a daydream of false hope.
I find that if I don't want to respond to something, or if don’t hear something, I pretend not to have heard it. But I realize that i’m so good at pretending I don’t hear things, and it’s so believable to me and everyone around me that I don’t hear things, that I believe I really didn't hear it, or that I made it up, though what I've actually heard could help me prove to myself what's really going on around me. But I forget that I actually heard it for real because I'm pretending I didn't and I believe I didn't... I don't know what's real and what's my imagination. Do I make up everything or do I imagine that I make up everything!?
From across the room, he turns away from me. He whispers something in the ear of the kid on his left. The kid smiles and turns to him, I can't see the look on his face. But I didn't see any of that. He looks at me. He turns the the kid on his right. Whispers something to him. The kid smiles at him, says something: "I think she'll say yes," but I didn't hear that. They both turn to me. I'm still looking at them. They both put on guilty faces of surprise, I quickly move my eyes up the wall. I'm in space. I didn't see that. They glance at each other, relieved. I stay in space a while, and when I come back, I come back from nowhere. I don't analyze what happened because I wasn't supposed to see it, wasn't supposed to hear it... It didn't happen, So I imagined it... I imagined it because it would make sense of his actions before... But I can't count it as evidence... Because I don't remember it. I hadn’t, until now really.
If it happens again, I'll know I imagined it, because I imagined it before, right? It's just another peice of the story in my mind. Right?...
I feel like I’m psychotic but I can’t tell if I’m actually psychotic or if I’m imagining I’m psychotic - which would make me psychotic in either sense, right?