The Elemental Warriors Ch2

Yochi bowed to the small maple tree and took a deep breath. Keeping his feet shoulder width he took his fist back and hit the trunk square in the middle. A few seconds passed before he heard a satisfying crack as the tree broke off at the point of impact and crashed to the ground. Bowing again to the fallen tree he said, "Thank you brother for providing me with wood. I will use you honorabley."

He took Tsuchi, his katana, from his belt and placed it on the ground next to his horse, Iriu, who was tethered to a another tree some distance away in the vast forest of Hayashi. Picking up the axe from his bags he returned to the tree and started chopping it into firewood. And as he chopped he remembered Uncle telling him of his mission.

"You are called to war, nephew," Uncle had said. "I agree that you are young for war, but they have called for the Warriors and you must answer their call.”

“Who is this war against?” he asked.

“The Yoijians. I'm sure you would honor your parent's spirits if you fought this war."

Yochi couldn't help it then to remember his parents who were killed by a man. They were walking on a trail just outside the city of Hokubu in the very forest he was in now when large, muscular man appeared before them, demanding their money and his mother. His father would've given the man all his money to protect him and his mother, but he would not let anyone dishonor his wife. So, the man pulled a knife and killed him before turning on his mother, but she fought back and was eventually killed too. That was when the man turned to Yochi and smiled at him evilly.

Yochi remembered every detail of that man as he stared at him. Hair that was as black as the abyss, black bloodshot eyes, there were many scars that covered his face and arms, but the one thing he’ll remember about that man the most was the tattoo on his forearms was a dark green bear’s paw, the symbol of the Bear Warrior. Though he did not know this at the moment.

The man pulled back his arm and just as he was about to plunge his blade into Yochi’s throat a shout had come from behind of him. The man had turned and fled through the trees. Soon after that he learned that the man was the Bear Warrior who had dishonored the Warrior Code, and a few days after that he was informed that the man fled into Yoijian territory. From then on Yochi swore he would become the new Bear Warrior and find the man to avenge his parents.

He wiped the sweat from his brow as he split the last log and set on the small pile of other logs. Leaning the axe against a tree he picked up several logs and set them in a stone circle away previously made away from the trees. With some steel and flint the set fire to the logs and prepared up himself a soup with the vegetables and spices he had brought with him.

While the water boiled he brought the rest of the logs over and fed the fire slowly making it large enough to stay the winter cold. He ate his soup while it was still warm and listened to the sounds of the forest. Finally he resigned himself to taking out his bedroll and sleeping.

***

I would like to clear a few things. First off this will not take place in Japan or China, it will reside in it's own fantasy world. The names for my characters, their blades and som places are Japanese. Here are the translations:

Mizu + Umi: Sea (from Ch.1)

Yochi + Tsuchi: Earth

Hayashi: Forest

Hokubu: North

The other people and places are all fictional names created by me. I hope this cleared some things up on the names. If you have any more questions about the story feel free to pm me. I will check back with you the next time I return.

Comments & reviews · 5
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
Bloo
Review
Bloo wrote a review · Tue Mar 03, 2009 12:53 am

well grammar has not only been taken but i can't do grammar so lets skip that.

likes-
it was interesting
some what drawing
kind of actioning

dislike-
a bit confusing
kind of boring

all in all: it was okay, not the best but still an okay read.

User avatar
Meow
Comment

Pretty good!

I can't think of anything wrong with this story other than those mentioned above, and overall, it's a great story!

Well, keep writing!

User avatar
Rosendorn
Review

Hiya! Nice to see the next chapter is up!

Keeping his feet shoulder width he took his fist back and hit the trunk square in the middle.


Put "apart" after "width" to have this make a little more sense. I would also add a comma after "apart" to make it clearer.

He took Tsuchi, his katana, from his belt and placed it on the ground next to his horse, Iriu, who was tethered to a another tree some distance away in the vast forest of Hayashi.


You have a lot of proper names here. Putting too many in one shot can clog a sentence, and when they're unusual like this they can turn a reader off. Try to keep the number of proper names per sentence to one or two and find a way to introduce the others later.

Yochi couldn't help it then to remember his parents who were killed by a man. They were walking on a trail just outside the city of Hokubu in the very forest he was in now when large, muscular man appeared before them, demanding their money and his mother. His father would've given the man all his money to protect him and his mother, but he would not let anyone dishonor his wife. So, the man pulled a knife and killed him before turning on his mother, but she fought back and was eventually killed too. That was when the man turned to Yochi and smiled at him evilly.


I thought "them" was referring to just his parents, ie- his mother and father. Things got confusing when you introduced the mother into this (is it Yochi's mother or his father's mother?) and because of this everything else is confusing.

Also, never use "evil" to describe something in prose. If it is character thoughts or dialogue it is acceptable, but not when describing something. It is flat and doesn't give us any real emotion. If you said something like:

That was when the man turned to Yochi, a menacing smile on his lips.

That's just an example; you can describe it however you want, just avoid "evilly" please.


the one thing he’ll remember about that man the most was the tattoo on his forearms was a dark green bear’s paw, the symbol of the Bear Warrior. Though he did not know this at the moment.


Hmm, you've changed to present tense here with the "he'll." To keep it in past tense you'd need to use "he'd."

Also, I would re-work the first part of this line into something a little clearer. Such as:

The one thing he'd remember about the man was the tattoo on his forearm: a dark green bear's paw, the symbol of the Bear Warrior.


Soon after that he learned that the man was the Bear Warrior who had dishonored the Warrior Code, and a few days after that he was informed that the man fled into Yoijian territory.


"He" could stand for either Yochi or the Warrior. Replace "he" with the proper name to avoid any confusion.

a stone circle away previously made away from the trees.


You could delete the "away" after "circle" since you've used "away" twice in one sentence.

While the water boiled he brought the rest of the logs over and fed the fire slowly making it large enough to stay the winter cold. He ate his soup while it was still warm and listened to the sounds of the forest. Finally he resigned himself to taking out his bedroll and sleeping.


I don't know, but I don't see a point to this paragraph other then to end the scene. Really, I'd like to see him brooding more about the war and wanting to avenge his parents. If you put that in, we'd need a slower end paragraph to "wind down" after the high emotion associated with the war and his parents. Right now, we don't need to see him getting ready for bed.

~

Emotion- I really don't feel much from this chapter. We get a high emotion scene with the flashback, but I found the flashback a little confusing. Therefore, it doesn't deliver the amount of emotion it could. Read this over (out loud is preferred, but if you don't want people to hear you wait a month after having written a new part to read it again) to catch any wonky descriptions.

This chapter also doesn't have any of Yochi's emotion about the war. He's been called to fight, he's young and the person who killed his parents is probably working for that side. What does he feel about finally being able to avenge them? Being sent so young (how old is he by the way)? Leaving his home? Ect.

World- In and of itself there isn't a ton here. I find it interesting how you are basing the world off of oriental countries (I said basing, not set it). It's something I haven't seen much. I'm interested to see how this will turn out. ^_^

Overall- I would work on emotion and clarity for this chapter. It can be hard to tell what your pronouns stand for (called the pronoun/antecedent relationship) and that makes things rather confusing. And add in more emotion tied into Yochi. I've gone into more depth on this above.

However, the idea is something I like very much. Element stories are something I love to read about, and this one looks original.

PM me if you have any questions, and when the next part is up!

~Rosey

User avatar
MeadowLark
Review

This was a little short. Oh well. Hmm...let me see if I can point out a few helpful...er...points. Hah, that sounds so weird (I'm in a happy mood).

Keeping his feet shoulder width he took his fist back and hit the trunk square in the middle


Perhaps your could put a comma after width. I don't know if that would help but when I say it out loud, I just seem to pause there.

A few seconds passed before he heard a satisfying crack as the tree broke off at the point of impact and crashed to the ground.


And this other sentence, it kinda loses some of its feeling. Maybe you should try splitting it into two. Like say: A few seconds passed before he heard a satisfying crack. The tree broke off at the point of impact and crashed to the ground. Okay, I don't know if that's a little better but it isn't so long.

And it isn't in Japan or China? I see. I suppose it was just the names that made me and Rosey assume that. Who knows? Well, good job and keep on writing. Can't wait to read more. This sounds exciting.



The best and most beautiful things in the world can not be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.
— Helen Keller